


My sunshine and  my rain

by Darktragicangel



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Comics), Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Christmas, College, Depression, Domestic Violence, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Loki Feels, Loki Has Issues, M/M, Party, Protective Thor, Slash, Suicidal Thoughts, Thanksgiving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-05-16 05:09:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 92,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5815450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darktragicangel/pseuds/Darktragicangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU/College. </p><p>«Loki hastily walked away and ignored Thor's voice as he called out for him only once. It lacked effort anyway. It hurt insanely. That Thor had such a power over him. Thor could brighten up his day entirely and ruin it a second later. Thor was his sunshine and his rain.»</p><p>Thor and Loki are best friends since children. Now they are students in college sharing an apartment. Thor senses a change in his friend who grows more distant, melancholic and even hostile by the day. Will their polarities separate them? Or will their bond grow stronger after unraveling Loki's darkest secret?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> So here's an introduction to our beloved characters in their Midgardian college versions.
> 
> The first chapter gives just a glimpse to this story, it's a kind of introdution. I hope it will make a good impression on you. Let me know what you think. Constructive critics are always welcome.
> 
> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

It was a typical warm sunny day of end august. The streets were empty as people chose to sit in the comfort of their house's interior or under the shade of trees in their garden. Thor's window was half open. The summer breeze perfumed his bedroom with the scent of dry grass. The sound of birds happy chirping filled the space. The blond was packing up his last personal belongings under his best friend's vigilant eyes. Today was an important day for Thor Golden. Today he would move out of his parents' home to start his independent life in college. It had been a great accomplishment to be accepted in Sport Counseling, something Thor couldn't believe possible two years ago. He was proud and enthusiastic with the start of his new life as a self-sufficient man, but he had mixed feelings. He was leaving behind the security and comfort of his home and of his parents. He was going to live four hours away from his birth town. But most of all, he was going to miss his best friend's daily company.

"Don't you dare and forget me!" Loki Frost demanded in a warning tone, while Thor closed the box. He looked up at his friend and knew Loki was hating his departure. He at least was sure he going to miss his dark-haired friend immensely.

"How could I ever forget you?" Thor said with a chuckle, but Loki didn't looked amused at all. The blond blinked a few times in surprise.

"You will meet new people, make new friends, be busy with papers and projects. It will be easy to forget. Believe me." Loki knowingly said and Thor understood his friend was basing himself in his experience with his older brothers. Thor stood up and sat next to his friend.

"I won't forget. I promise you." Thor said while he locked his gaze on the green eyes. Loki looked warily at him.

"Well, I guess we have facebook and skype to keep a closer contact." He said in a tone like if he didn't believe in his own words. Thor gave him a sympathetic look and smiled while he rested his hand on Loki's neck.

"I won't forget you. Neither will I replace you. So stop putting silly ideas in your clever mind." The blond said while he shifted his hand to Loki's head and gave it a playful nudge.

Loki released a sound between a giggle and a snort. Thor rested both his hands on his lap, looked at the last packed box and sighed heavily. It was time, but suddenly he was reluctant to leave. Loki hit his shoulder against Thor's teasingly to have the blond's attention.

"Come on. You've been waiting years for this. Go."

Thor gave him a hesitant smile, stood up, picked up the very last box and descended the stairs. Loki's smile died instantly and was replaced by a look of sorrow. He waited a few minutes before he followed his best friend.

…

Thor was hugging his mother when Loki finally climbed down the stairs. His blue eyes looked like two sapphires, shinning from emotion and they shifted to meet this friend's gaze. Thor and Loki contemplated each other before their farewell.

Thor was the son's mayor. His father, Odin Golden, was the most powerful man in town. Frigga, who also played an important role in Odin's council, was respected for her wisdom and kindness by their community. They had, years ago, had a younger son, Balder, who died as an infant. Frigga never wanted another child since then, her mourning for the little one scarring her heart forever. Thor was only three years old when his little brother died, and had therefore no memories of the infant.

Strangely enough, he missed his sibling. He liked to think he had found his lost brother in the person of his best friend Loki, son of Lauffey Frost. The man who succeeded, in mere fifteen years, to build an empire as head of a software company, but now witnessed its crumbling downfall. His mother Farbauti was originally head of the company's marketing sector, but had traded her job for a life as housewife some years ago. Loki was the youngest of three sons. Helblindi, the oldest, was fourteen years older than Loki while Býleistr was twelve years older. It was no secret that Loki had been an _accident_ , because he had been conceived in a period his mother thought she couldn't bear children anymore.

Thor was tall, had golden blond hair and sparkling blue eyes. He had a gorgeous well-built body that envied many men. Thor was the school's football start and also did triathlon competitions, winning prizes for both sports. All girls at school were in love with him and fantasized to marry with him some day. In short, he was the popular guy from High School due to his good looks and sociable character. As for his inseparable friend, Loki was his complete opposite. The teenager was a rebel with capital letters.

Thor was well aware Loki had lost his innocence long ago. In the last three years, Loki had already experienced more sex, drugs and alcohol in the crazy parties he went to than some people in a whole lifetime. The black eyeliner that had been contouring his eyes for the last years highlighted his jade-green eyes. He had long black hair that went a bit beyond his shoulders, which was straitened until it was silky and shiny like ravens feathers. His head was partly shaven on the right side so the row of small black piercings along the ear were always visible. His long fingers were decorated with basic silver and black rings, combining with the black polished nails. His clothes were mainly black, tight to his small and lean body. Loki's looks not only screamed out rebel, but made him unpredictably stylish and exotic.

It happened often that people at school asked Thor why he hanged out with Loki. Truth was that Loki was quite the anti-social. He rarely allowed anybody close to him, but when he did, he was extremely loyal. He was also well-known for his witty and poisonous words, using other's weaknesses and private lives as lethal weapons. Not to mention he loved to sow chaos in people's rotines with his tricks and mischiefs. Thor was sure Loki had collected quite some enemies during his years in Junior and High School, although, he was convinced he too had his own fair list, only for completely different reasons. Despite their opposite characters, Thor could not imagine his life without Loki. He was his comrade and his confident.

He still could remember the day a seven-year old boy moved with his family a few blocks away from Thor's house. The raven-haired child had been curious about the blond boy that was about his age when Odin and Frigga came to welcome the new family. They played the whole afternoon and the following and the following one too. While an unpleasant hostility and rivalry quickly developed between the Golden and the Frost families, the friendship between the boys grew stronger by the day.

The children shared a particular imagination and during their playtime they lived great adventures in dangerous lands with strange names. In their fantasy world, the boys were brothers (although Loki insisted he was adopted, or better kidnapped by Odin as a baby, because he already had two siblings in real life). They were princes of a realm called Asgard. Thor was the warrior, valiant and with the power of wielding thunder (and he would walk around with one of his father's hammers). Loki was the mage, clever and with great powers that defied the logic of the cosmos. Together they had the mission of protecting the nine realms (however, often it was Loki that endangered them by making strange alliances with enemies, just to piss off Thor). When they entered their puberty, their adventurous tales were replaced by celebrities, sports, music and girls. They were replaced by ideologies, ambitions and dreams. Thor became the athlete, Loki the artist. And maybe, it was exactly their divergent characters that united them this strongly. Because when they were together, they were never bored.

Thor released his mother from his embrace and, after a short hesitation, he wrapped his arms around Loki. The raven-haired boy chuckled awkwardly at the gesture while his heart cried desperately. Thor released him and Loki watched his best friend walk to the car, turn around to wave one last time, enter the vehicle and drive away. The black-haired teenager felt his heart contract painfully. He already missed his best friend. Thor liked to think of them as brothers but Loki had a very different view on the matter. He loved the blond dearly, but not as a brother. He loved in the way lovers do, a feeling that has developed naturally the last years. His heart broke as he watched Thor's car disappear at the end of the street. And wondered how long it would take for the blond to forget him.

**One year later**

It was with some apprehension that Thor moved into a small apartment with Loki. Despite the tension that always existed between the Golden and the Frost families, Loki's parents had recently and, quite unexpectedly, deposited a great deal of trust in Thor. It wasn't really surprising they would not allow their youngest son to move out and live alone, but Thor had never expected them to insist he should be the one to share the house with Loki.

"They want you to babysit me." Loki mockingly said while he carried a box up the stairs and entered the apartment.

Thor grimaced. He couldn't help but feel that way about the whole situation. Loki was a freshman, but Thor was certain his friend's parents weren't worried about their son's incapacity of self-sufficiency, on the contrary. Thor had the uncomfortable feeling Loki's parents expected him to protect Loki from himself. He was sure the Frosts were afraid their son would sink even deeper in his own self-created darkness. It was a fact. Loki was a danger to himself.

So, out of pity for Loki's parents, and above all, for the adoration he felt for his best friend, Thor accepted to share the apartment. Besides, this was a benefic situation for him. The Frosts were wealthy and bought an apartment large enough for two people, just a few blocks away from campus. Thor didn't have to pay rent anymore so if he wanted, he could quit his part-time job and focus more in his study and football training.

"Consider the babysitting as the payment for your rent." Loki added, while he entered Thor's bedroom, his sardonic tone becoming bitterer.

Loki was young, but he was far from being stupid. He sat on the older man's bed. "Why didn't your parents buy you an apartment anyway? They could at least have helped you with paying the rent." The younger man pointed out. It was true. Thor's parents had the financial possibilities to pay his rent and much more. Odin was after all the richest and most influential man in their town.

"My parents want me to learn to be independent and self-sufficient." Thor said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Yeah, and mine want to cage me." Loki said in a dark tone. He crossed his arms annoyed. "You don't need to worry about me, you know that. Just lead your own life and I'll lead mine. The last thing we both need is you controlling me."

"I'm not here to control you." Thor said while he crouched and started unpacking his box.

"You wouldn't succeed if you wanted." Loki said with a mischievous grin.

Thor froze. There was the defiance in his friend's tone he had come to hear more and more often. He hadn't seen Loki much for the last year, since he entered college, but it had been enough to notice a subtle change in the teenager. Despite Loki being friendly and playful around him like always, Thor sensed a gap had emerged between them, one that never existed before. There was a kind of distance and tension around Loki that was unfamiliar to Thor. He suspected his friend was upset with the lack of contact between them the previous year. Thor had truly done his best to talk and be with Loki as often as he could, but life in college simply didn't allow him. He figured out they would make up for the lost time now that they were sharing the same apartment. Yet, there was one thought that worried the blond greatly. What would Loki do with all the freedom that was offered to him in college?

"Just don't get yourself in trouble." Thor uneasily said while he unpacked a box and took out one of his trophies. He heard Loki snort, obviously finding Thor's last comment ridiculous. Only, the blond was being plain serious. He stood up, placed the trophy on a wall shelve and turned to Loki. "You do know I care for you, don't you?"

"I know that." Loki said with a surprising serious tone, his usual sarcasm absent. "But I'm all grown up now and can take care of myself, thank you very much." And the sarcasm was back.

Thor resisted the urge to chuckle and shook his head. Loki was always the cleverest of the two. He certainly could handle himself. Yet, it didn't mean the blond wouldn't keep an eye on him. Thor promised himself he would take care of his best friend.


	2. Welcome to campus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

Thor and Loki had moved in a week before classes started. Both used the time to finalize some of the university's last bureaucracies, but mostly, they were busy with all kind of academic events. Thor was, this year, a sophomore student and member of the Academic Sport Association. He was therefore expected to be present in a series of welcome events for the freshmen of his faculty, which he gladly participated.

Loki, on the other side, for being a freshman and for having an inquisitive nature, took the liberty of using his free time to explore the campus and its surroundings. He went to the freshmen events more out of curiosity and barely participated in them, finding the whole "getting-to-know-each-other" concept pathetic and childish. Because everything had been created with the purpose of socializing. And during the socializing, there was a lot of flirting and butt kissing. He made a scoffing sound as he realized college was nothing but the extension of High School. He decided he didn't want to make new friends in his context. No, he preferred to learn new people during classes, when they were being serious about their lives and future and not fussing around about trivialities like today.

Still, he enjoyed observing the new students interact. He watched them silently and alone, since the sophomore from his "friendship-group" had given up in joining him in the activities and had left him to be. Loki smirked and laughed internally at the ridiculous display of opportunism and selfish interests. The freshmen were desperately eager to make new friends and become popular. Everybody did their best to impress each other and there was an overflow of complimenting every time they were introduced to somebody new. He complimented nobody (unless he truly believed they deserved, which was a rare occasion) and was pretty sure he had already caused an impression on his fellow-students of Graphic Design. He was certain they already disliked him, which was more than fine to him. At a certain point, he became bored, so Loki decided to take his leave and go somewhere else. Anything was way more interesting than this silly event.

"Hey, Loki." His "friendship-group" sophomore called him. _What was her name again?_ He wondered. _Ah yes, I remember_. _Karnilla._ The raven-haired teenager turned around wondering what the twit wanted this time. "Are you leaving already?" Loki repressed the urge to roll his eyes. The girl actually managed to sound disappointed.

"Yes." He dryly answered. Karnilla looked a bit taken aback by the blunt answer and Loki grinned. He was not planning in justifying himself.

"Okay. That's okay." The discomfort and awkwardness was all present in her voice. She then smiled widely and spoke with her typical merry voice. ""Well, it was nice having you here and I hope you enjoyed today."

"Sure. It was quite enjoyable." Loki said with a sardonic smile, causing the tension in the sophomore's face to increase. Loki was sure Karnilla was one of the most popular members of her Association. She was pretty, sexy, funny and animated all the time. But he was sure it was all fake, it was a mask of sweetness and kindness. He was sure she was the kind of girl that achieved her goals by seducing everybody with her looks, smiles and loveliness. But not him. She didn't impress him, not even close.

"Good." She cautiously said. "Anyway, this Friday there will be a party celebrating the start of the new academic year. You are welcome to come, if you want." The sophomore student added while she gave him a pamphlet. Loki looked at the small piece of paper, rich in purple and black colors, showing a silhouette of people dancing. The address, date and time were indicated with sharp yellow letters.

"I'll be there." He said with his most charming smile he possessed and paid goodbye with a little nod. If there was something that Loki enjoyed were wild parties. And he was making sure this one would become unforgettable.

…

Loki arrived alone at the party just after midnight. Thor had no idea where he was and the raven-haired teenager had no plans in justifying his absence to begin with. If the blond thought he was going to control him under the guise of protection and care then he was damn wrong. Loki knew much better than that. Anyway, he needed to be alone because he was sure his friend would never agree with the mischiefs he had planned for tonight. They were little inoffensive pranks, but highly effective and hilarious. The people in this party were so stupidly shallow and immersed in their own superfluous fabulous lives that they made the perfect victims.

The freshman took his time in exploring the mansion where the party was being held. More and more guests were arriving, the divisions becoming the more crowed and noisy. Loki loved the confusion. He could move from one place to the other without anybody noticing him. And tonight he made sure he was invisible. He entered the kitchen and tied a rubber snake inside one of the cupboards, knowing whoever opened it, would get the fright of his life when the fake animal would jump out. He also taped a small duct tape to the bottom of the faucet so when the tap was opened water would spray everywhere. He snickered amused as he busied himself in switching the sugar container with the salt one when somebody called for him.

"Loki!" A female voice sounded happy. He turned around and was surprised to see it was his silly "friendship-group" sophomore. His face became sour at the interruption. "What are you doing?" She innocently asked as she tried to peep behind his back, while Loki shifted to hide the two white jars.

"It's none of your business." He hostilely spoke. Karnilla looked a bit taken aback for a few seconds but her happy smile quickly returned to her face. She slowly paced in his direction and Loki noticed how she bounced her hips seductively, accentuating her womanly curves.

"I'm glad you came." Karnilla purred while she rested her index under his chin. Loki arched an eyebrow and failed in hiding a grin. Was she actually interested in him or was this a game, he wondered. Either way, he was in for both options. "I do like the silent ones. And you, my dear, are so very mysterious."

Karnilla's finger graciously travelled Loki's neck and traced the line of his collarbone. He remained quiet but observed her intently. His green eyes locked on her blue ones. She came closer, so her breasts were pressed against his chest and her lips sought his ear. "Let me tell you a small secret."

She whispered in his ear, sending pleasant chills down his back. "Those who don't boast are the best in bed." Loki flinched while he suppressed a choked groan when Karnilla's hand grabbed his crouch. He remained stilled, his eyes never leaving hers and allowed her elegant fingers study his length. She grinned as she slowly stimulated his genital with slow strokes and witnessed his eyes darken from lust. She was convinced he was the wild type in bed. Karnilla released Loki, took a few steps towards the kitchen's door and halted by it.

"Come. Before all bedrooms are occupied." She said one hand resting on her hip, the other gesturing him to follow her.

Loki contemplated her invitation during some seconds, wondering if she really desired him or if she was teasing and paying him back for his distance during the academic welcome activities. He figured out he would only get his answer if he followed her. Which he did. Karnilla smiled when she saw him walk close behind her and thought the wary look on his face was adorable. The dark-haired girl climbed up the stairs, which were crowded with drunken and chatty boys and girls. After the third try she found a still vacant bedroom. She opened the door, her eyes never leaving Loki as he walked through. The raven-haired young man heard the door being locked behind him and before he knew, Karnilla was kissing him passionately

"I knew you were trouble the moment I saw you." Karnilla whispered against Loki's ear, her hot breath sending an arousing chill down his spine. "You have no idea how I have been fantasying about you these last days." She added with a lick against his ear. "I touched myself and came while I thought about you."

Loki gasped at the erotic words and immediately felt the excitement built up in his body. Karnilla wrapped her left leg around him, invaded his mouth with her lusty tongue. This was all about having sex. Maddening passionate sex. And Loki was more than pleased to give the woman what she wanted. He kissed her hard and hungrily, his hands squeezing her breasts, her buttocks, his fingers playing with her sensible area between her legs. Karnilla released a satisfied moan at the touch and quickly started undressing him. Clothes landed on the floor and their naked bodies were soon wresting on the bed. Of course Karnilla had planned this, and she presented him with a condom. _Whore._ Loki thought. She was exactly what he had thought she was. Superficial, selfish, materialistic and thistly for sex. But she was beautiful, with long wavy black locks, bright blue eyes, full rosy lips, nice round boobs and a fine curvy lines. And right now, he wanted her as badly as she wanted him. A one-night stand full of passion and fire.

He placed the rubber around his hardened length and his tongue prepared her entrance. She was already wet and tasty, meowing from desire and anticipation. He pulled her legs up, widened them and she smiled. His erection entered her warm interior, causing a delighted moan in the woman's throat. A maddening dance was followed. Loki thought he would go crazy from the hysterical moans Karnilla emitted. He was sure if the music wasn't this loud, the whole street could hear her. Her tongue and her interior were hungry and he fed them with wet kisses and vigorous pounding. They switched from position every time their bodies slowed down to recover from the hard banging and breathing. He pounded on top of her, with her legs resting on his shoulders; he pounded from behind her, hitting her depths violently. She rode him, moving her hips up and down, screaming her head off while she played with her clit.

Loki had lost count of the number of orgasms she had. He had read about multiple orgasms, but never had experienced or witnessed it before. Karnilla was crazy and lusty. Inviting and demanding. She screamed for him to fuck her over and over again and after she came for the countless time, Loki finally released a loud grunt, jerking inside of her.

"Shit! Fuck!" Loki said while he climbed off her exhausted. Their bodies were covered in sweat, their hair damp, their cheeks red. "You are absolutely crazy." He blurted and Karnilla laughed amused, knowing he was complimenting her.

"And you have a really good cock." She got up and shared one last kiss. "I was right about you."

Loki sat on the bed, still panting hard while he watched Karnilla clean herself with the sheets and dress up. When she was fully dressed and combed again, nobody could ever tell she had just had sex. The black-haired woman turned around to face him. "Have a lovely night and welcome to campus." She said with a wink before leaving the room.

Loki threw himself on his back and released an amused giggle. He stared at the ceiling for a while before deciding to follow the sophomore's example. He still had a series of pranks to distribute through the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the comics Karnilla is Queen of Nornheim and one of the most accomplished practitioners in the arts of sorcery within the Asgardian dimension. She often proved to be an enemy of Asgard, and acted in alliance Loki. However, Karnilla was long in love with Asgard's noblest warrior, Balder the Brave and at one point, they become lovers.
> 
> Her role in "My sunchine and my rain" will be restricted to this chapter, in which she serves as an illustration to Loki's behavior in parties (Thor would probably kill him if he knew what Loki was doing) and his view on socializing. Basically, I just felt like pairing Loki with an "unknown" character in a one-night stand situation. I know its unorthodox, but I hope you still enjoyed it.
> 
> Introducing a familiar character in the next chapter.
> 
> Please let me know what your thoughts about this story up to now are.
> 
> Till the next update, have a lovely week!


	3. A new friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :
> 
> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

The night was high. The music was loud. Its rhythm was compassed by a maddening beat that seemed to want to speed up everybody's heartbeat. Many danced feverishly and hypnotized by the sound, bodies rubbing against each other shamelessly. There had been a lot of beer and pot. Many hung drained and sick over the couches. Others walked around intoxicated, some euphoric, some disoriented.

There had been strange happenings in this particular party. Unexplainable events that caught the party guests by surprise. Startled screams and curses were heard each time somebody fell victim of one of Loki's well-thought pranks. Onlookers laughed hard at the amusing situations, among them a certain raven-haired young man. Loki didn't look conspicuous at all, he was good in making himself invisible, as he cleverly mingled in the crowd.

At around three in the morning, Loki got bored from his mischiefs and decided to have a different kind of fun. He managed to steal discreetly a smoke from a distracted (and high) pot dealer. He walked along a corridor relishing the first pleasant relaxing effects of the drug. He heard Thor's stern voice in the back of his mind telling him to stay away of trouble and chuckled amused. He did want he wanted. He was already giggling (alone) by the time he entered the kitchen, but when he saw the faucet spread water all over a girl, resulting with her screaming startled; he let out a loud amused laughter. The girl hurriedly closed the tap and stared with disbelief at her wet clothes. She froze when heard the fit of laughter behind her. A warm feeling of anger filled her chest. It had been bad enough that everybody in this ridiculous party seemed to want to ignore her (expect for guys that desired sex with any female that crossed their paths); but having fallen in some idiot's childish prank was the last drop. She quickly turned around and wiped angrily the water off her face.

"Did you do this?" She accusingly asked while she pointed her index at Loki.

The young woman was quite short, with a frail but perfectly well-modeled body. She had silky long brown hair and her hazel brown eyes glinted with anger. But her initial ire subsided quickly when she witnessed the dark-haired man cease with his fit of laughter quite suddenly. He fell silent and the look he gave her sent chills down her spine. His clear eyes seemed to want to pierce her brains and he gave her an insane crooked smile. He looked quite dangerous.

"What if I did?" Loki asked in a low voice and the girl felt her heartbeat speed up from fear. She was intimidated by the young man. He was thin, but very much taller than her. His gothic-like look only accentuated his psychotic gaze. She was sure he could easily hurt her if he wanted.

"Well, that - it's… er, it's just not nice." She stammered, while she cautiously looked around. She cursed mentally when she realized he was standing in the doorway, blocking her only possible escape.

"You're British!" He suddenly exclaimed sounding quite excited.

The girl blinked confused. It's just, his face changed completely. His eyes brightened and his smile grew in a spontaneous way. It was an understatement to say he looked absolutely friendly. The girl considered him being extremely bipolar or even have a double personality due to his sudden shift in mood, going by his facial expression. But then she saw the cigar between his fingers and figured out, he was clearly drugged.

"Yes, that I am." The girl cautiously said and forced a smile. She wanted to make sure he remained cheerful.

"So am I!" He said in a chuckle. "I moved to the States with my parents when I was seven." The girl's face lightened at the revelation. Now that she paid more attention, she did distinguish the accent in his speech. She supposed he never lost his accent because of hearing British daily at home.

"Where do come from?" She asked, feeling more at ease for the first time since their encounter. She beamed at his proud smile when he answered her.

"London."

"I'm from London too!" She happily said. "I'm – My name is Jane Foster."

"Loki Frost." He said and took a few steps, stretching his arm to shake her hand.

Jane hesitated for half a second but took his hand. They both chuckled, him amused and her a bit awkwardly. Loki took a smoke from his cigar. "Frost and Foster. Quite the unlikely name combination… Would you like a smoke?"

He offered his cigar and Jane became pale. She didn't want to take drugs. She never had her entire life and wasn't planning to start now. There were simply too many serious side effects, not to mention, he was an absolute stranger. Who knew had he was offering her? On the other side, she feared to unplease Loki. He was in a friendly mood now and the last thing she wanted was him to return to his dangerous tone. Despite his drugged state of mind, the raven-haired teenager read the hesitance in her. "Never had pot before? Come on, it's harmless. I swear. You won't go hysterical from one small puff."

"I-I really prefer not to." She awkwardly answered, while she prayed he wouldn't be offended. He was still standing in front of the doorway, after all.

"Suit yourself." Loki said with a crooked but still friendly smile and took a deeper draught of smoke, like if he was defying and mocking Jane at the same time. He remained standing with a mischievous grin plastered on his face, which made Jane feel quite uncomfortable. Who knew what kind of crazy thoughts were going through his drugged state of mind?

"I'm actually kind of hungry." Jane said, hoping her affirmation would distract Loki from whatever he was thinking. She would swear he was undressing her with his eyes.

"Shall we unravel the secrets of this kitchen, then?"

….

Loki and Jane sat on the roof of the house. The music underneath them was loud but dimmed by their location. The sound that reigned on the roof was the one of their constant giggling and tireless chatting. Between them was an extra-large bucket of ice-cream, which was going down with an impressive speed. Loki's cigar had died out long ago, but the effects were still very present, making him uncharacteristically sociable. Jane had no idea how mean and cynical he would have been towards her if he was in his right state of mind. Because Jane Foster, once feeling comfortable enough, became quite the chatter box and Loki, for being delightfully drugged, thought the short girl was hilarious. He had decided he liked her.

Jane, was just like Loki, a freshman. She told him she had moved recently from England to the States for her degree in astrophysics. It had been the idea of her friend and guardian Doctor Selvig, who worked in this University. Jane had confessed to be glad to meet Loki because, despite being already a few weeks in the country and having explored some of its highlights, she had been experiencing some problems in making friends. Jane had confessed, in the middle of her rambling, that she always had problems in making new news and that she had, in fact, no friends at all. Loki listened intently at every word. He was sober enough to realize the girl was lonely, which was reflected in her too desperate and fast speech. Gods, the woman talked a lot. Luckily for Jane, Loki was drugged enough to find her funny and interesting enough to continue and listen to her rapid and chaotic ranting.

If Loki had struck her first as the dangerous type, Jane was now absolutely convinced he was the world's greatest sweetheart with a large sense of humor. He talked little, giggled a lot, but was a great listener. Before she knew it, Jane was talking about quantum-physics and gravity time dilation. While the effects of the marijuana slowly started to diminish, Loki found himself growing fascinated by Jane's words and listened to her theories with great interest. As he was starting sobering, he understood better Jane's explanation and became completely enthralled in the girl's theory about different words being connected by an intricate wormhole system.

"It's curious…" He said in a thoughtful way. "…your theory reminds me of a game I used to play with my best friend when we were children. We used to pretend to belong to another realm. Our imaginary world was connected with others by a tree and we could travel from one world to the other in mere seconds."

"Wow, really?! That's quite a coincidence!" Jane exclaimed amused. "So, what was this realm of yours called?"

"Asgard, the Golden City. But I actually came from Jotumheim, the realm of Ice." Loki said in a playful manner and took a spoonful ice-cream to his mouth. Seeing Jane was curious about his childhood fantasy world, he decided to go further in the details and tell her more about the other worlds. "There was also Vanaheim and Svartalfheim and …"

Loki and Jane sat on the roof of the house. The music underneath became dimmer until it eventually died out. The sound that reigned on the roof was the one of their low but excited voices that shared childhood stories, intricate theories about the universe and philosophical views about life. Between them was an extra-large bucket of ice-cream, empty and long forgotten. The dark sky slowly shifted to a lighter shade of blue and eventually they watched the sun rise in silence.

Loki's ears were ringing from the continuous chatter from Jane. Nevertheless, he smiled at the realization he, quite unexplainably, had actually enjoyed his night with her company. She was a strange girl. Way too talkative, but intelligent and an outcast, just like him. And those were things he appreciated in her. As for Jane, her heart was filled with joy. Even if Loki was somebody she was sure she would never dare to associate with, she was certain they had become friends. Her eyes witnessed the day slowly start as the first people and cars filled the streets to go to work. Loki's voice suddenly caught her attention.

"Well, Jane Foster. It was a pleasure." Loki gallantly said, while he carefully stood up. "I must say, you are not quite like anybody I know." Jane chuckled feeling a bit embarrassed. She knew she was a chatter-box and easily let herself be taken by her excitement in the world of astrophysics.

"Well, you are not quite like regular guy either." She retorted. Jane had long realized the drug had lost its effect, as he became less the giggler, more calm but always interested. He struck her as a bright young man, with an eloquent and clever speech, but also a listening ear. And she knew that was a rare combination.

"Of course not. That would be plain boring." He said in a mischievous manner. He took a few small steps as he headed the small window that accessed the roof. "We'll, I must be going now."

"Loki!" Jane called almost afraid before he left. Loki turned to face her curiously. "We – I will see you around."

It was a question, almost a plea. She had finally made a friend, or at least that was what she had hoped for. They had spent the whole night together and yet, they had not switched numbers so she wasn't sure what to think. But then Loki smiled. It was a sincere one, nothing like his sarcastic or teasing grin.

"I am sure we will, Jane Foster."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Introducing Jane in the story!
> 
> Although this chapter could hint a possible Loki/Jane pairing, it will NOT go in that direction. I just thought it would be more fun to make those two become friends because, personally, I think they are intellectually more leveled (seriously, they should put a short scene in the movies with Jane and Loki discussing some complicated scientific stuff with Thor staring at them with the most oblivious expression!).
> 
> And I there was no way Loki would lose his British accent!
> 
> Till the next update!


	4. My sunshine and my rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And you're fool enough to hope  
> That you could ever really know  
> My sunshine and my rain  
> The thoughts I hide  
> From all the world to see
> 
> (David Fonseca – "My sunshine and my rain")
> 
> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

"Hey Loki!"

The raven haired teenager froze and repressed the urge to hiss. He didn't need to turn around to know who was calling him. He would recognize that deep and powerful voice anywhere. It had the power to boost his heartbeat to an unhealthy speed and make his legs feel weak and jelly. Loki turned around and forced a wide cheerful smile. He considered it pure luck that he had succeeded in avoiding him this long. But he knew it was inevitable they would cross paths eventually. After all, they did share the same apartment and went to the same college. Thor had his overjoyed smile plastered on his face.

Thor walked towards his best friend and gave Loki a warm and friendly squeeze on his shoulder. The black-haired teenager immediately felt his heart melt completely. Thor looked as radiant as always. His eyes shone bright and beautiful like blue sapphires. His smile had the power to brighten the darkest of places. The blond looked splendidly gorgeous in his plain red t-shirt and was a true ode to manhood. Loki's heart skipped a desperate beat as his eyes drank that wonderful sight before him, while his brains told him to act cool.

"Thor! How very nice to see you." Loki said with a hint of his typical sardonic tone. Thor released a small laughter, for he loved his friend's playful manners. Loki gave him his most charming smile while his heart screamed out for his oblivious friend.

"I haven't seen you in three days!" Thor exclaimed in a _could-you-believe-that_ tone. "If I didn't know I would say you were avoiding me."

"Now _that_ would really be silly." Silvertong lied. "I guess we kept missing each other."

"I guess. Who would tell we share the same apartment? Yesterday you were already asleep when I arrived, and before that…well I don't recall you coming back home. Where have you been?"

"Well, there have been some parties going on lately." Loki said a fake innocent tone. He saw the look of reproof in Thor's face. The blond knew very well the kind of things Loki did in such parties.

"You know, its fine you go to these parties now, but you'll have to lose this habit if you want to have good results. Even with your skills, college is hard. This is not High-School anymore." Thor said in a warning manner while Loki's eyes widened greatly.

"Wait a minute! Who are you? What did you do to my reckless friend Thor?" Loki said in a mockingly shocked way. The older man barked a loud amused laughter and Loki smiled radiant for being the reason for that joyful sound.

"I guess all your speeches finally hit me." Thor admitted in a chuckle.

Loki was always the one scolding and telling him to take school more seriously, telling him to be responsible and grow up. Especially after he failed 11th grade. Loki's reprimand had been more powerful and impacting than any of Thor's parents' words. And if it weren't for his friend's almost military strictness about his study routine, Thor was sure he wouldn't be in college today. That much he had to thank his childhood friend. He rested his hand on Loki's neck, for he was giving him that rare look of wonder and sweetness that he loved so much. These were the moments Loki was so taken by surprise he would actually forget to put on his trade mark of cool sarcasm. Loki emitted an almost silent giggle.

"Finally! It only took you an eternity, you oaf." Loki bluntly said and Thor released his grip with a heartily laughter. Loki laughed along and tried to wipe away the ghost of Thor's hand on his neck. If only the blond knew how horribly distressing it was for his infatuated friend to interact like this with the object of his longing.

"Let's have lunch together." Thor invited and Loki nodded with a smile.

Loki didn't have the heart to come up with an excuse today. Thor looked so happy and, therefore, he felt happy too. The knowledge alone that his company was the reason for the blond's happiness was enough made his heart swell up from joy, giving him the butterflies in his belly. Thor was his sunshine.

They walked together to the cafeteria and Loki ignored the confusing stares they were receiving. In High School everybody knew Thor and Loki were best friends and inseparable since little children. Here in college it was a whole new situation. Loki could imagine how strange they looked in the eyes of an outsider. The athletic and popular Thor in the company of the rebellious and gothic-looking new kid. Suddenly he felt a soft touch on his elbow.

"Loki?" A female voice questioned and he turned around to meet the short British girl from last Friday's party. He was about to greet her when she slapped across his face with such a force, his face turned to the side. "That's for ignoring me at History class!"

Thor stared shocked from the frail girl to his friend. That had been one hell of a slap. It must have hurt from the sound of the clap, but Loki giggled instead.

"Oh, I like her." He turned to Thor with a mischievous grin and the girl gave him a murderous look. "So it was you who was making all that racket."

"Do you know how humiliating that was for me?" She told off while she pointed her index to Loki's nose. "I called you like ten times and you bloody ignored me!"

"I apologize. I didn't quite recognize you at the time." Loki excused himself with his most charming smile and Jane exhaled still upset but seemed to accept his apology.

"Ehm…Loki?" Thor called a bit uncertain, not quite understanding what was going on. The girl turned to him and only seemed to notice his presence after he spoke. She stared clearly surprised and impressed for a few seconds.

"Oh hi. I'm Jane. Jane Foster" She shyly said, while she smiled and put a brown lock behind her ear. She stretched her hand to shake his.

"Thor Golden. It's a pleasure to meet you." Thor kindly said and took her hand to plant a kiss on its back. Loki rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Loki and I met in a party last Friday. And then he ignored me at History! I can't believe you did that after we spent the night together!" Jane accused upset. Thor looked from one to the other in a mix of surprise and shock. "I though you forgot me!"

"How could I? You proved to have quite an appetite." Loki said with a smirk and Jane smiled at him for the first time. Thor stared at them feeling the more uncomfortable by the passing second, the whole conversation having just turned quite awkward.

"So did you." Jane countered back and Thor fidgeted uneasily as disturbing images of the sweet looking Jane and his best friend popped in his mind, naked and engaged in wild sex. "You know those family size ice-cream buckets?" Jane asked excited while she turned to Thor. "We ate one with cookies and cream flavor all by ourselves."

Thor stared at her confused for some seconds. He suddenly realized he had misunderstood the subject of their conversation and let out a bark of laughter. He felt absolutely relieved. He stopped laughing when he saw the way his best friend was staring at him with a serious expression and with his eyebrow arched.

"Ehm… Jane, would you like to join us for lunch? Allow Loki to amend his misbehaving from earlier."

Thor kindly invited, his smile growing victorious at Jane's blush. Loki could feel his insides turn, his heart sink in disappointment. How stupidly naïve it had been from him to think he could be Thor's center for even five minutes. The prospect of witnessing the two of them flirting continuously throughout lunch only made him feel as sick as sad. He could feel a familiar mix of rage and misery fill his heart and he angrily stared at his friend.

"Oh, I would like that!" Jane then turned to Loki and saw the murderous look he was giving Thor. "If it's okay with you." She added uncertain. Loki shifted his gaze to her. Although his look softened a bit, he still looked quite disturbed. He forced a smile and Jane sensed this smile was different than his usual one.

"Of course I'm okay with that. I quite enjoy sharing meals with you." Loki said. Jane seemed to believe him and smiled in delight (and so did Thor). The three of them continued walking towards the cafeteria, the young woman leading the way. Loki came closer to Thor and whispered.

"What were you thinking, prince Charming? You have quite a perverse mind." Loki asked in a mocking tone. He was hurt and was planning to bite back.

"Come on, Loki. What was I supposed to expect? I know how you are on those parties." Thor said without thinking. That had not been the answer Loki had expected. He suddenly halted, looking genuinely shocked.

"Is that _what_ you take me for?" Loki asked clearly upset and Thor too stopped. Although the hurt was hidden behind a façade of anger, the blond could read it in his friend's eyes. He immediately regretted his earlier comment.

"I apologize, I didn't mean it that way." Thor tried to explain.

"Yes you did!" Loki countered upset. How Thor's words had stung his heart. He not only showed to be interested in Jane, as he thought Loki was some kind of crazy sex addict. If a while ago Thor had made him feel happy, he now had totally crushed him down. Loki felt himself crumble. He was swallowed by a wave of misery and sank in a stormy dark sea of rage. Thor was his rain.

"Is everything all right?" Jane asked. She had stopped walking and turned when she heard Loki's answer. The men had their gazes locked and seemed to be having some kind of contest to see which one would break it the first.

"Yes, Jane dear." Loki said in an overly sweet tone. "Everything is just perfect! You know something, I just remembered, there is something I need to do." He announced and ignored Thor's plea in his eyes. "You love birds have lunch without me." He whispered poisonously, so only Thor could hear the last sentence. His pale green eyes were hard and cold. He walked away before the blond could react and ignored Jane calling out his name.

Thor liked Jane. It hurt insanely to know the blond had only eyes for her. It had taken him one single look, one short second to fall for Jane's beauty. And vice-versa. He wouldn't be surprised if the two of them would go out dating later on. It was always the same story. Yet, he had learned to live and cope with this reality over the years. Thor was the type that could impress any girl he wanted.

In the end, it was Thor's perception about him that had truly stung. The blond had a point. Loki loved having sex, but then, who didn't? The only difference was that he wasn't afraid to talk about that openly. He wasn't a slut, he was liberal. Besides, Loki went to those parties with the sole purpose of having fun, independently of getting laid or not. He couldn't help if girls and guys were attracted to him. If he would be interested, then all he did was take the offer that was given to him. Nothing out of the ordinary and nothing others didn't do. In the end, Loki was a free spirit. But knowing Thor saw him as some kind of whore, made him feel cheap and low-rated. That had hurt to the core of his soul.

Loki hastily walked away and ignored Thor's voice as he called out for him only once. It lacked effort anyway. It hurt insanely. That Thor had such a power over him. Thor could brighten up his day entirely and ruin it a second later. Thor was his sunshine and his rain.

…

The blond watched defeated as his best friend rushed away. Sometimes he simply forgot how unpredictable Loki could be. How easy it was to offend him and how difficult it was to win his forgiveness afterwards. Yet somehow Loki always forgave him. The sophomore looked at the Jane who wore an expression of concern. Thor's mind told him he should follow Loki. He should make clear it was never his intention to hurt him. That he thought no ill about his friend, by the contrary. He admired Loki for his intelligence, for his self-confidence and for his autonomy. Above all, Loki was his best friend and Thor missed their comradeship, their easygoingness and their fits of laughter. One year ago, Loki feared Thor would forget him. Now it was Thor who feared Loki had forgotten about their friendship and its value.

"It's okay if you want to go after him. He seems quite upset." Jane said and Thor looked at her loving eyes and sweet smile. His heart skipped a beat at her delicate beauty. There was something about this girl that made Thor feel drawn to her. Something that made him want to learn more about her.

"No. It's okay. He'll come around." Thor dismissed with a smile. He would deal with Loki later on. His best friend could be a vicious and bad-tempered person, but he was also incredibly loyal. After all, it was not the first time they quarreled. Thor knew Loki would end up forgiving his mishap. He always did after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> The whole idea for this story has its basis in the above quoted sentences (although the song portrays a different kind of relationship) in which Loki hides his feelings for Thor from the world, obviously, with great success.
> 
> It may have a slow start, but I want to portray first how Loki's world is while his love for Thor is not only secret, but also non-corresponding, before I jump to the Thorki thing (which will eventually happen)
> 
> Next chapter will be lighter, with quite some humor. More familiar characters will be introduced.
> 
> Till the next update :D


	5. An unconventional lunch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or its characters

Loki let out a startled yell when a pair of strong arms grabbed him from behind. He fell with his back against the person who had tackled him. After the first seconds of complete surprise, he felt exasperation take hold of his mind and lifted his head to see his attacker's face. For his great relieve and yet great annoyance, it was Thor.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?!" The teenager shouted, while he managed to free himself from his friend's strong grip. Thor gave him a look that was somewhere between amused and grim. "Well?"

"You keep running away!" The blond sheepishly blurted and Loki could feel the fire already burn in his veins.

"I'm not running away! I'm avoiding you! There's a great difference in that!"

"Come on. You're not still upset about yesterday, are you? You're overreacting again."

"I'm overreacting?! Again?!" Loki interrogated with his teeth clenched and Thor actually took a step back intimidated by the dangerous way his best friend's eyes narrowed and glinted in fury. Loki then gave Thor a disgusting look and made a scoffing sound, before turning his back.

"Yes, you are! And you are acting all sissy and shit and…" Thor's sentence was broken by a sudden pain that hit his face. Loki, in a swift and sudden move, had turned around and punched the blond right under his jaw. Thor stared startled at the younger man who was now practically fuming from rage. The blond caressed his face and actually looked hurt.

"Now, that was one hell of a right!" A male voice was heard behind Thor, making the blond grumble something unintelligible, but clearly unkind. Loki looked curiously in the voice's direction and saw a blond man heading towards them, followed by a fat redhead, an Asian and a pretty dark-haired woman.

"I don't believe anybody ever managed to punch you like that. Are you letting him go unharmed?" The woman's mocking voice followed and Thor's eyes narrowed.

"Hit me back and you'll regret it for the rest of your miserable life." Loki warned and Thor knew better than to defy his friend. His threats were never hollow.

"My friends!" Thor turned around forcing a carefree smile, his jaw still tingling from Loki's unexpected blow. "Meet Loki!"

"You weren't kidding when you said he was quite piece of work **.** " The redhead jokingly said while he pated Thor's shoulder with a bit too much force. The blond groaned while Loki's lips curled in amusement.

"Talking evil about me to your new friends?" Loki asked with a fake sneer.

"I don't need to. The truth is already sufficient." Thor said with a smile, which was reattributed with a scoff by the younger man. The blond instantly knew things were okay again between them and gave a friendly push on the dark-haired man's head.

Loki was afterwards formally introduced to his friends and colleagues from the Academic Sport Association. The blond that had first spoken was Fandral, English Literature student and the Faculty's champion in fencing. He was also a well-known player, never having less than two fan-girls around him, which he would woo with poetry quotes he mesmerized for that purpose alone. He was inseparable from his loyal friends, Volsgtag and Hogun. The first was the heavy always cheerful redhead. As a child he aspired to be a Sumo warrior, but since it was a Japanese traditional sport, he ended up working on freestyle wrestlingand was at the moment the faculty's champion, the Asian man, the less talkative of the three, was a final student of Oriental Studies and participated in judo. Finally, the young woman was Sif, a fellow-student of Thor's course.

"And you, my friend, are going to have lunch with us." Thor declared to Loki, while he placed his strong arm around the slender back, avoiding his friend from escaping again. The raven-haired man grimaced and did his best to ignore the physical contact.

"Oh really? What if I already ate?" Loki asked, while Thor was already guiding him to the cafeteria, his heavy arm never leaving his back. Loki realized if he tried to escape, his friend would tighten his grip and push him even closer. He pondered in showing more resistance.

"Then you can have a second dessert." The blond countered, while he pulled his friend closer and against his chest after Loki attempted to flee.

"What if I'm not hungry?" Loki said in a chuckle and a flushed face.

"Then you'll watch us eat…Stop struggling so much! I swear, I'll carry you over my back!"

"Don't you dar…Ahhh!" Loki yelled when Thor easily lifted him up and threw him over his shoulder. "Put me down you oaf!" But Thor simply continued carrying him around, like nothing out of the ordinary was going on, with a large grin plastered on his face. He ignored Loki's perfidious curses and complaints and eventually the teenager gave up and hung compliantly on his best friend's shoulder. Thor's friends chuckled amused at the situation and other students gave shocked stares (many girls feeling absolutely envious about Loki's position).

"Look at that ass!" Loki spoke after his rage fit subsided. "I can see you've been working out."

"Shut up." The blond finally placed Loki back on the floor and the teenager had barely had time to regain his balance, when Thor practically forced him on a chair. Loki stared at the new faces staring back at him with a half amused and half shocked expressions. "Meet Steve Rogers. We call him Captain, because he is our Football team's captain. (Captain gave an awkward hand wave at Loki). Bruce Banner, assistant professor in physics and nuclear stuff. (Banner took off his glasses and pressed this eyes tiredly). Darcy Lewis, Political Science. She's following History with you, by the way (Darcy gave a small excited jump on her chair and waved her hand vigorously at Loki). And Jane, that you already know (Jane smiled and uttered a shy "hi").

"Guys, this is Loki Frost. My childhood friend, best buddy and roommate!" Thor proudly presented, his strong hands still resting in Loki's small shoulders.

"You forgot to mention we are getting married next month." Loki teasingly said, giving an impish grin at his friend, gaining another friendly shove on his head.

"I forgot to mention he's quite the comedian. His specialty is sarcasm."

"And mischiefs."

"Any kind of mischiefs." Thor added and sat next to Loki. The two friends switched silent repressed chuckles and the look of complicity between them didn't escape anybody.

"So…Is your hair naturally black or did you dye it?" Darcy asked. She sat opposite Loki, next to Jane, who sat opposite Thor.

"Is natural." Loki answered with a soft knit on the brow, already perceiving the girl as silly.

"So you are a natural gothic!" She happily concluded.

"I do not associate myself with any kind of groups. And I do not believe there exists anything like a _natural gothic_ " Loki icily countered.

"Your voice is sexy." Darcy said while she playfully bended over on the table.

"Thor, what is the meaning of _this_?" Loki sternly asked his friend, referring _this_ to Darcy.

"I think she likes you." Thor said in an amused tone and Loki arched an eyebrow with a « _seriously?»_ expression.

"We should totally make History essays together!" Darcy excitedly said.

"No."

"Date me?"

"No."

"Bear my children!"

"I believe that is a task reserved for women only."

"I'm an emancipated woman."

"You're crazy."

"And you're hot."

"Thor, I am going to murder you."

"Why me? She's the one who's flirting with you! Not me!" Thor defensively said and Loki stared at him like if he was the world's dumbest creature.

" _That_ is the reason I stopped dating him." Sif coolly said.

"You dated her? I'm impressed." Loki told Thor. Then they both gave Sif an appreciative stare. The dark-haired woman rolled her eyes while Fandral and Volgstaag laughed loudly. "And there I thought they were completely different." She muttered more to herself, while they both snickered. "Jane, you are still in time to call off your date." Jane opened her mouth stunned but regained her composure when she saw Thor was chuckling. Loki felt a sting in his heart, and for moments, hated for always being right when it was about Thor and girls.

"You guys remind me of Bucky and me." Captain suddenly said with a melancholic smile and everybody grew tense in the table expect for Loki (who had no idea what was going on) and Darcy, who was obviously absolutely enthralled by the teenager. A mournful silence followed.

"Bucky is Captain's best mate, they too are childhood friends. Bucky had three years ago a bad accident and since then suffers from amnesia." Thor whispered in Loki's ear, so Steve wouldn't hear him.

"Sometimes he recognizes me." Captain said and Thor bit his tongue for his obvious failure. "But it's lasts for only very shortly."

"I'm sorry." Loki said.

"It's okay. He's been showing some improvements lately. I'm sure one day he'll remember again, if not only partially. I'm not giving him up." Captain said with a hopeful glint in his eyes.

"He's so beautiful in his sadness." Darcy whispered. "But you're more." She said redirecting her gaze to Loki.

"Then it's high time you change your glasses." Loki replied aloofly, but Darcy only stared the more dreamily at him.

"Wait…" Jane suddenly said, staring at the teenager perplexed. "Did you just imply that you think Captain is _beautiful_?"

"Sure, why not?" Loki said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Oh, well…It's just…you never struck me as gay." Jane uncomfortably said. Darcey lifted her head with a panicked look in her eyes.

"That's because I'm not." Loki said and Darcey looked absolutely relieved. "I'm bisexual."

"Oh. Okay." Jane awkwardly said, her eyes darting nervously from Thor to Loki, while Darcey seemed to cheer mutely.

"Don't worry, I won't touch your boyfriend, if he doesn't want me to. I'm not into rape."

"Oh, Okay." Jane muttered, still feeling uneasy.

"What do you mean _if I don't want you to_?" Thor questioned his friend.

"Well, I wouldn't say no." Loki stated in an innocent obvious tone and Thor gave him a fake depreciative look.

"That would be kind of incestuous." Thor pointed out and Loki's smirk grew totally mischievous.

"Now _that_ should spice things up! The more sinful, the better."

"You're nuts, get out of here!" Thor said laughing.

"Come on, give us a kiss."

"Stop it!" Thor said while he shoved Loki's head playfully, resulting with the teenager giggling loudly.

"Back off my hair!" Loki demanded and pushed Thor's face back.

"Are you two always like this?" Sif asked amused.

The two best friends didn't even hear her because they were now engaged in a friendly struggle, laughing and cursing at the same time, until they both fall back from their chairs. The others stood up to see if they were alright, but Loki's fit of laughter reassured them they were fine. Thor was the first one to stand up again, giggling a bit and helped Loki get back on his feet.

"My belly hurts." Loki said while he wiped away his tears of laughter.

He took a heavy sigh and his eyes met Thor's. For no reason, they both chuckled and their laughter fit started all over again, taking it minutes before they would catch their breath. But each time everybody thought they would finally calm down, they would start all over again. The exchange of a meaningless look or a small word was enough to trigger the amusement between them.

"Loki, it's enough!" Thor plead after their countless fit.

"What?! I did nothing! You're the one that keeps laughing!"

"Well, I cannot look at you when you have that silly grin of your face screaming _I am the God of Mischief_!"

"Well, guys. It was fun, but I'm afraid I have to go." Bruce suddenly said with a regretful smile. "My class is starting soon."

"Shit, what time is it?" Captain asked. "Damn I have to go too."

"This had to be the most entertaining lunch ever!" Fandral said laughing. "See ya later!" He Volgstag, Hogun and Sif waved away before leaving the table.

"Is lunch time already over?" Loki asked surprised while he looked at his watch.

"You haven't eaten practically nothing. Your food is probably cold already." Thor scolded.

"I only have classes in one hour." Loki said while he cut a piece of his meat.

"I'll give you company. I only start in two hours." His friend said.

"Well, I'm going too." Jane said while she picked up her things. I have a class starting in a few minutes."

"Wait I'll walk you to class." Thor quickly said, standing up immediately. Loki felt his good mood literally sink away.

"Traitor!" Loki accused while he sent daggers with his eyes, ignoring Thor's lame apology and promise to return soon, leaving his backpack behind as guarantee. Suddenly he realized "Wait! Don't leave me alone with…!" But it was too late Thor had just left the cafeteria. Darcy stared dreamily at Loki.

"Now it's only you and me." She purred while she blinked her eyes in a failed seductive attempt.

"I just lost my appetite." Loki miserably said.

"Great! We can skip lunch and go right to a room." Darcy exclaimed with a small jump on her chair.

"I'm out of here!" Loki said while he quickly stood up, having enough of this strange girl's weird flirting attempts. He picked up Thor's bag and made a run out of the cafeteria, Darcey's eyes stalking him all the way. She sighed dreamily.

"Such a perfect ass."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had really fun writting this chapter. How often have we all acted stupid with our friends and disgracefully had uncontrolable fits of laughter?
> 
> Next chapter, still introducing new familiar characters ;)


	6. The beauty and the genius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or its characters

Loki headed to his optional class _Software and Programming_ feeling quite excited. His father would kill him if he knew he had chosen to follow classes with the notorious Tony Stark. After all, his father's company started losing its fame when Stark's new ultra-advanced software was chosen by America's Defense, instead of the Frost's model. Stark became the Frost's company sole rival and eventually suffocated it with his brilliant new inventions. Although Loki had no aspirations in following a career in the technological world, he did feel fascinated by it and Tony Stark was secretly one of the people he most admired for his intelligence, inventions and eccentric personality. He entered the classroom and sat relatively in the middle of it, not wanting to stand out. He did not want to be recognized, although he knew Stark must have already seen his name in the class list.

While Loki waited for Stark's grand entrance, he opened his laptop and checked a new post in his Facebook account. He smiled at the group photo taken just minutes ago, during lunch. Since his formal introduction to Thor's circle of friends, Loki never lunched alone anymore. It was not that he had much of a choice, anyway. He often came across one of the sophomore's friends and a refusal was absolutely unacceptable. The teenager was surprised with how quickly he was accepted in Thor's inner circle of friends, because most people disliked his dark humor. However the blond's friends appeared to be actually amused by it. In just a week, Loki slowly grew comfortable around them to the point of actually considering them his friends too.

Sif was the person Loki mostly related to. He soon discovered he absolutely adored her company. Sif was really smart and managed to counter back his comments flawlessly in a playfully manner that Loki absolutely enjoyed. He also became quite befriend with Fandral and Steve. The first mainly because of the man's notorious humor and the latter for his calm and serious presence. As for the rest of Thor's friends, Loki's opinion was far from positive.

The teenager couldn't quite figure out Hogun, who barely talked and, when he did, it was far from being well-articulated. Volstag and Darcy both irritated him by all means. He considered them too loud, uncivilized and superficial. Bruce was most of the times too distracted with intricate calculations to socialize with anybody. His capacity to isolate himself when surrounded by many was the only thing that truly earned Loki's respect. When he did talk, it was in such a technical language that the only person who understood him was Jane.

As for Jane, Loki was nurturing a hatred for the young woman that grew stronger by the passing day. The girl unsuspected his loathing, confusing his sarcastic comments and false smiles for his regular kind behavior. Truly, if it weren't for the fact she was studying astrophysics, he would have considered her a total idiot. He hated her because she was a real Mary Sue. Jane was orphan and quite poor. Yet, she had learned to fight against life's adversities since young, succeeding into winning quite a generous scholarship for having outstanding results at High School. Loki thought it was impossible for somebody with this kind of background to be humble and altruistic, but that Jane was. The girl was, until very recently, friendless because people often misunderstood her for her intellectual brilliancy; or were jealous for her self-achieved successes and great looks (seriously, she had the face of a top-model!). And yet, instead of becoming bitter, Jane grew to be the sweetest person Loki ever met. So sugary sweet that Loki got sick of it. She was always understanding and caring and kind to everybody, despite their background or social status. In short, Jane was perfect.

Worse of all, she was dating Thor.

It irritated immensely that the blond acted so stupidly happy and in love. They were barely a week together and Thor's world already revolved around Jane and only Jane. The sophomore not only loved everything about his sweet and perfect Jane, but he had the necessity of praising her all the time. Thor also enjoyed treating her like a princess, buying her beautiful and expensive gifts, like if he was trying to compensate her unprivileged childhood. Worse of all, Jane was so freakily humble that she reluctantly accepted Thor's presents, telling him to stop. Jane's infinite goodhearted nature drove Loki insane.

Loki's hateful thoughts were suddenly broken when his eyes saw an astonishing gorgeous redhead walk in the classroom. She was short, but well-modeled, with all the curves in the right places. His green gaze followed her as she climbed the auditorium that was becoming quickly crowded. He saw her face clearly and it had a flawless classical beauty. Creamy skin, large blue eyes and full red lips. Loki was sure she was the most beautiful woman he ever encountered and felt his heartbeat accelerate. He watched her hypnotized but didn't dare to look behind him, when she continued climbing up. He was already trying to figure out what he would need to do to captivate her interest, when students started applauding. Tony Stark had just entered the classroom. Loki smirked amused by the man's charmingly haughty behavior, as he rose his arms in the air while he made a semi-circle, obviously enjoying the attention.

"Welcome to Software and Programming class!" Stark shouted in an entertaining manner. "For those of you who are not really here for the class, but to witness my awesomeness, you already have the maximum punctuation, so you are free to miss the following classes."

A general laugher filled the auditorium. Tony Stark climbed to his seat and opened his computer. Loki snickered amused, while his long fingers tipped the keyboard in a fast speed. He halted, looking satisfied and lifted his head to watch Stark. The man was staring at his laptop with a concentrated expression and then gave a small amused smile. "As for those who are serious about this class, you'll have to work your ass out to impress me… I can tell you, two of you already have…" There was a soft murmur in the class and Loki wondered who would have spoken to the professor before classes started. He felt at bit revolted at the idea somebody was already building up their way by ass-licking.

Stark scanned the faces of his students, like if he was looking for somebody. Probably for his new pet-students, Loki darkly thought. Stark then straightened himself and cleared his throat. "So, before I start with the boring part and talk about the class' program contents, credits and evaluation; do my lovely young fans have burning questions?" A girl in one of the front rows immediately raised her arm and he gestured her to talk.

"You've been called the Da Vinci of our time. What do you say to that?" The girl excitedly asked.

"Absolutely ridiculous. I don't paint." Another general laugher filled the room and Stark smiled contented. Another student, this time a man, raised his hand in the air.

"And what do you say to your other nickname, the Merchant of Death?"

"That's not bad." Stark said but soon gestured with his hands for the commotion to diminish and added. "But seriously, I came to realize that I had more to offer this world than just making things that blow up."

"Have you ever lost an hour of sleep in your life?" Another girl asked.

"I'll be prepared to lose a few with you." He winked and the girl blushed terribly, while her friends giggled.

"Okay, one last question and then we'll begin with the class… Lady with the red hair over there." Loki turned around when Stark pointed behind him, to see the hot redhead was sitting just a couple rows behind him. He would swear she looked straight at him before she turned her gaze to Stark.

"How has your father's role in the nuclear manufacture influenced your choices in your industry, Mr. Stark?" The redhead asked with a clear and firm voice. Loki smirked. She was beautiful and clever. He was certain he had just fell in love with her. Tony Stark got up from his chair and took a few paces in the room with a thoughtful expression. He halted.

"I never got to say goodbye to my father. There's questions I would've asked him. I would've asked him how he felt about what his company did, if he was conflicted, if he ever had doubts. Or maybe he was every inch of man we remember from the newsreels. I saw young Americans killed by the very weapons I created to defend them and protect them. And I saw that I had become part of a system that is comfortable with zero-accountability… The reason why I opted by shutting down the weapons manufacturing division of Stark Industries five years ago." The redhead smiled contented by the answer, which was reattributed by Tony Stark. "Good, now. The aims for this semester…"

Loki listened to Stark's voice in the background. His eyes rested for a few moments in the beautiful redhead. This time he was sure she saw him, for she locked her gaze on his in an unwavering manner. He grinned and only then did he turn back on his seat.

…

"Thor! Thor! Are you home?" Loki rushed in the apartment panting and closed the door behind him.

"Yeah, what's going on?" The blond asked as he came from his bedroom. He only had to look at Loki one second and instantly recognized that glint in his eyes, which could only mean one thing.

"I saw today the most beautiful woman in the entire world!" Loki blurted with excited eyes and Thor chuckled. How many times had he heard that line before? "She is this redhead with this gorgeous body! And her face! God it's like she was sculptured by a fine artist. But oh, the best part is, she's really intelligent. You should have heard the kind of questions she made Mr. Stark!

"Is she really?" Thor asked amused. He had seen Loki this excited over girls countless of times, in which his friend would become completely infatuated during a few weeks until the attraction showily wore off and he returned to his senses. "And how is Stark?"

"Oh, the man is simply amazing. He's a genius! It's like he knows computers inside out. Which he probably does." Loki said while he headed to the refrigerator and picked a yogurt.

"Are you going to tell your father?"

"What? Are you crazy?" The raven-haired man took a spoonful of yogurt. "I have no dead wishes… Hum, by the way, she's Russian!" He said while he pointed his spoon to Thor and the blond laughed heartily.

This was the Loki he had been missing. Because lately Thor was having trouble in recognizing his best friend. The freshman lately gained the habit of making unkind and degenerative remarks to him when they were alone. Like a couple days ago, when Loki told him his behavior around Jane was overly preconceived and ridiculous. It was not the first time his friend seemed to have the need to attack him with words. It was like he took pleasure in making Thor feel absolutely humiliated and unworthy. These were the moments the blond would lose his patience with his friend, with the result they would engage in a heated argument. The sophomore was truly shocked with the power Loki's horribly venomous words had in hurting him. It stung his heart mercilessly and made him wonder if Loki hated him. But every time Loki read the pain in Thor´s blue gaze, a flash of regret would spread on his features and he would immediately apologize.

Thor knew his friend was truthful about his apologies. He knew it was impossible, even for Loki, to fake that kind of guilt. His friend would behave truly embarrassed and restless afterwards. Sometimes Thor worried himself with Loki. There were moments he would swear the green eyes were filled with an unmeasurable sadness, but it always disappeared so quickly that he often believed he imagined it. Then there were those moments that Loki seemed to be hyper sensitive and would easily have fits of anger. Anything was reason enough to trigger his rage and sometimes, the blond had the feeling his best friend was completely insane. But he could not imagine any reason to settle the teenager in such an unpredictable mood. Loki had always been insupportably difficult as a child. In the end, Thor blamed it in the fact his best friend was awfully spoiled by his parents. After all, Loki had to do little to get what he wanted. Thor figured out that was the problem. Loki was just too used having things in his own way. And when they didn't, he had a horrific tantrum.

Thor's gaze rested a few moments on his unstable best friend. He wasn't really listening to Loki's recount about the new hot girl. Instead, the blond appreciated the way Loki's green eyes widened and glinted of excitement while he spoke. Thor treasured the way soft little lines formed around Loki's young eyes. The way his smile grew from spontaneous to crooked in a mischievous manner. His heart always warmed when he saw his friend in a happy mood. If it was up to him, Loki would always be like this. Carefree, funny and cheerful. Thor chuckled at the way Loki talked about the girl and unconsciously mesmerized this moment and imprinted it in his mind forever.

….

Loki was bored and picked distractively his peas with his fork. He had long given up in following Jane and Bruce's heated discussion about gamma energy. Thor was clearly clueless about the subject as he stared at them blankly. Most of the words were unknown to him and seemed to belong to a foreign language. Suddenly his eyes picked a shade of red and he recognized Loki's most recent obsession. The blond elbowed his friend who sat as usual next to him. The black-haired man lifted his head with an annoyed expression and looked at Thor, who indicated the girl with a discreet nod and Loki spotted her immediately.

The teenager instantly froze, while his heart pumped hot blood through his veins. He did his best to look stoic, as his eyes followed a bit nervously the woman moving between the tables of the cafeteria. It was true he was absolutely attracted by her looks and wittiness but he was also intimidated by her overwhelming self-confidence, something he would never admit to anybody. He realized she was looking right at him while she paced determined in his direction. Loki straightened his back and forced a sympathetic smile when she finally reached their table.

She greeted first Loki and Thor with her eyes and then shifted her gaze to Jane and Bruce. They were still defending passionately their views on the gamma matter and hadn't even noticed her. Jane was the first to see the Russian and quickly closed her mouth, while she grew red from embarrassment. Bruce looked behind him and immediately apologized the redhead for the loudness of their discussion. The young Russian grinned slightly at their discomfort, obviously enjoying the way she intimidated people with her presence. She then rested her hands on the table, leaned slightly closer to Loki and locked her gaze with his. The raven-haired teenager widened his eyes slightly, not expecting the piercing eye contact and wondered what she wanted.

"I am here to let you know we are doing the project for Software and Programming together." The redhead spoke in a business-like manner that let no space for discussion. Loki was speechless for some moments. He slowly shifted on his chair. This was not something he had expected. And then he realized.

"I do not recall mentioning anything about a project." He coolly spoke and she smirked at his words. The Russian had known from the first glance that he was a clever man. She waited purposely some seconds before answering him, just for the pleasure of stretching his curiosity.

"The project he's announcing in tomorrow's class. The one you saw on his file when you hacked his account."

"You hacked a teacher's account?!" Thor asked bewildered but Loki and the redhead ignored him. Loki's face was tense and his gaze on the Russian had become hard. He was trying to figure out how she knew about his little crime. She seemed to read the interrogation in his eyes.

"I sat two rows behind you, remember? I saw you hacking in his page." She clarified.

"Very well. But why would you want to do this project with me?" Loki asked, a clear tone of cold defiance present in his voice.

"You hacked almost as quickly as I did." The Russian said smiling her first real smile. "See you tomorrow at class." At this, she waved goodbye at the group and walked away. The three males followed her hypnotized and Jane rolled her eyes in annoyance. After the redhead left the cafeteria, a short silence settled itself between the four friends. Suddenly the raven-haired man chuckled.

"I'm going to work with Natasha Romanoff!" He said in a tone that expressed his incredibility and excitement. "Can you believe that?"

"I can't believe you hacked a teacher's account." Thor reprovingly said and Loki grinned mischievously.

"You are a fool if you think I hacked only one teacher's account!"

Thor gave his friend a look of disbelief, Jane stared open mouthed and Bruce shook his head in incredulity while the raven-haired teenager laughed cheerfully.


	7. An invitation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or its characters

Loki was sitting by a table on the east wing of the C-building. This had become his favorite place to sit down to read or study quietly. He always sat by the same corner, where he had a clear view to the campus open grass field. He enjoyed watching students sitting and laying leisurely under the last summer sun rays. The raven-haired man had as usual his earplugs on and was listening to Three Days Grace rather loudly while he was concentrated typing in his laptop. As expected, Stark had announced the project the previous day. Students had to choose between creating a security software or an environment friendly technology. Loki thought, why not do both? He and Natasha had already discussed some of their ideas and he was now formulating them. He was so focused in his work that he did not notice his best friend approach him from behind.

"Hey Loki, coming to eat?" Thor asked the teenager while he gave a friendly pat on Loki's shoulder. Loki flinched and practically jumped on his chair from the fright.

"Fuck Thor! You scared the shit out of me!"

"Sorry. I thought you had heard me."

"Seriously? You know I study with music, right?"

"Yeah…" Thor sheepishly said while he watched Loki take off the ear plugs. The blond pulled a chair next to Loki. "So, what are you working on?"

"Just drawing some concepts and ideas for Stark's project."

"Right." Thor answered while he looked at the written lines. He couldn't understand the half of what was written, most technical terms were absolutely alien to him. "So, wanna grab something to eat?"

"Sure, just let me finish this last point. You can go ahead, I'll meet you soon."

"No, it's okay. I'll wait." Thor said, while he sat more comfortably next to Loki and tried to make some sense from the text. Loki's heart jolted as his friend's leg brushed against his and remained against it. The freshman thought he would lose his concentration just from the contact and the warmth that travelled from under the material. Thor's cologne was starting to become quite distractive too.

"It will only take a second…" Loki said almost in a chocked voice. Suddenly he froze, while his green eyes glued themselves on the computer screen. "What the?" New windows suddenly popped up in his screen while long lines with letters and numbers piled up in them.

"What's happening?" Thor asked as he furrowed his brow.

"Shit! It's a virus! How in hell did a virus get into my computer?!" The teenager asked shocked while he started typing quickly and doing all kinds of operations Thor could not follow. "How is this even possible? I designed my computer's security! It's supposed to be impossible for a virus to get in!"

The teenager typed blindly while window after window appeared and disappeared, with data and codes all over the screen. Thor was used to watch Loki use the computer skillfully like it was a child's play, but he never had actually witnessed Loki do something like defending his computer from a security leach. He listened worriedly to the freshman's mumbling, thinking loudly, while he uttered irritated curses. He watched the way Loki's green eyes darted quickly from one point to the other in the screen, his expression being one of pure concentration. Suddenly Loki stopped typing. His eyes stared at the computer expectantly.

"Loki?"

"I killed it!" Loki suddenly cheered while he threw his hands in the air from joy. "I killed the virus!" Both men turned around when they heard the sound of clapping behind them. They stared surprised as they watched a tanned man in his forties walk towards them.

"Mr. Stark?" Loki asked, shock one hundred percent evident in his voice. Thor merely stared from one to the other, an expression of concern on his face. He swallowed dry, knowing this could go sour.

"Very impressive, . You actually succeeded in getting rid of the virus 1 minute and 34 seconds faster than Miss Romanoff."

"You sent that thing into my computer?!" Loki questioned, this time with an edge of anger in his tone.

"Yes. Although I must admit, it did take me some minutes to break your security walls. I commend you." Stark said and Loki stared at him bewildered. The older man pulled a chair, turned it around so he could lean on the chair's back. "I apologize. Well, actually I don't. I just wanted to see if you were as good as I thought you were. It was needless actually. I'm always right about my instincts."

"What do you want?" Loki asked bluntly and Thor actually rested his hand on the teenager's shoulder for him to calm down.

"No need to become hostile. I swear, I mean no harm." Stark said while he lifted his hands in a defensive gesture. He then took an envelope from his waistcoat's inner pocket. "Actually, I came to invite you to a party I'm housing this weekend."

"Why?" Loki asked, his expression denouncing suspiciousness.

"You're the wary type. I like that. It's good to be on your guard." Stark said while he handled the envelope. "I would like to discuss the project you and Miss Romanoff are going to develop this semester." Loki opened the envelope and read the invitation.

"Stark Expo?"

"No worries, transportation has already been taken care of."

"You are assuming I will accept this invitation?"

"Why wouldn't you? Oh, right. Your family. Well, you're eighteen, correct? Officially adult. What's stopping you?"

"I'm not interested." Loki said while he handled the envelope back.

"No, no, no. You don't understand. I will not take no as an answer." Stark kindly insisted, but Loki sensed the edge of disapproval on his voice. He pushed the envelope back to Loki and stood up. "I have great expectations about you and Miss Romanoff." Tony Stark said, put on his sun glasses and walked away without adding a word. As soon as he stepped outside, students saw him and rushed to him with cheers and loud questioning.

"It's ironic." Thor said.

"What is ironic?" Loki asked irritated.

"That the one person Tony Stark is interested in this university is exactly the person that wants nothing to do with him."

"You know he killed my father's company's reputation in the 90's. How do you think my family will react if they discover I'm with Tony Stark at his City of the Future?!"

"And here I thought you were somebody that did what you wanted."

"Says the guy who told me not to go to parties during college! Aren't you supposed to be my friend and put sense in my brains and stop me from getting myself into trouble?"

"That is exactly what I'm doing." Thor say with a serious tone and rested his hand on Loki's neck. "Loki, you were always a genius in computers. I mean, this is Stark! You only had two classes with him and he is already interested in your talents! Besides, I have the feeling Miss Romanoff will be there." Thor purred and Loki pushed his hand away while he chuckled amused.

"I am going to regret listening to you."

…

Loki entered the luxurious private Stark Enterprises jet after being picked up by a black-windowed Audi at his apartment. He did his best to look cool and unimpressed as he entered in what is supposed to be the passenger's area. It was difficult to hide the awe as his eyes discreetly scanned the beautifully decorated interior, reminding him of a lounge living room. Natasha was already seated by one of the windows. She watched him enter the compartment and allowed a soft grin to show in her face as she clearly saw how he did his best to act like this was nothing out of the ordinary.

"It's a bit over the top, don't you think?" Natasha asked with a polite smile. She remained seated but he could already see that the basic leopard patterned dress she was wearing looked absolutely astonishing on her.

Loki smiled back almost awkwardly. He only had spoken with her twice. The one time the Russian appeared at lunch and after their second class together, when they switched some ideas about their project. And he still didn't really know what to make of her. Her expression was frequently neutral, only allowing a small smile to appear once in a while like right now, making her features look even softer. Loki could feel his heart race wildly under his chest and the temperature in his body rise. The mystery about her persona, her formality and polite distance seemed to only increase his attraction for her.

"Well, yeah. My father's jet looks like the extension of his office. It's nothing like this." He said while he stared at the dance pole in the middle of the room.

He could only imagine the crazy parties Stark had in this plane and decided, it must be really fun to be Tony Stark. Natasha's smile grew at the way his eyes carefully looked at its surroundings and the way his face continued to try to hide his admiration. Loki sat silently in the seat opposite Natasha and stared at the window outside. He had no idea what to say to the redhead. Besides, he had the uncomfortable feeling she was observing and reading him. He almost sighed of relieve when the stewardess came and gave them the flight information.

"Nervous?" Natasha asked when a drink was served and Loki drank a little bit too fast. He chuckled.

"I have the feeling I'm in a suicide mission. Not very happy about all the people and journalists that will be in the party." He confessed.

"So your family doesn't now."

"They don't even dream." He drank the rest of the champagne in one quick draught and the stewardess filled his glass right away. "Although, I don't think they would be very surprised." He said with a mischievous smile. Natasha smiled back, seemingly amused.

"Let's talk about the project before you are too wasted to think properly."

"Alcohol tends to increase my creativity." Loki said while he took a sip of his second glass.

"Then I'm sure you and Mr. Stark will get along perfectly." Natasha said with her polite smile and Loki had to force himself to repress his mischievous grin (which he failed). "So I read your email…"

Loki and Natasha spent most of their flight brainstorming about the different possibilities in their project, wanting to create something both financially reliable and long-term sustainable. Natasha barely touched her drink, while Loki drank enough for the both of them. Yet, he did prove to have a good tolerance against alcohol with the advantage of him becoming more at ease and, indeed, more creative. When they landed, they had already a quite defined idea about what they wanted to do.

The Russian noticed how Loki became tense once they were in the car and it were only the impressive lightened buildings of Stark Expo that seemed to distract him a bit. So when they stepped out the car and walked to the red carpet for Stark's important guests, she put her arm around Loki's. He stared surprised at her for the first seconds, but reading the encouraging look she gave him he smiled of gratitude. They coolly entered the building like if this was something they did every day and Loki did his best to ignore the flashing from the cameras. Oh how he hoped no journalist would recognize him and remember to put his picture in a magazine or newspaper.

The party was animated and filled with many guests of all ages. A DJ played music in the background, so young women were already dancing under the flashing and colorful light spots. Loki grabbed a drink at the first opportunity, his insides turning of crude anxiety. The sudden thought that his father could remember in showing up almost triggered a panic attack. Yet, from the outside, he looked perfectly calm. Nobody could tell he was nervous. Well, nobody but Natasha.

The redhead watched how Loki stood in the mist of guests with an absolute pose of haughty self-confidence combined with a relaxed smile on his lips, casting the great illusion he was comfortable where he was. But she knew he stood in the edge of a serious anxiety attack. She had seen right through him when they talked the first time at lunch. And during today's flight she confirmed her instincts. There was an invisible vulnerability around him. There was something broken in Loki. Something very old and unfinished. Something that slowly consumed his soul, like an invisible sickness, which made him edgy and even frightened.

This very vulnerability in Loki made Natasha feel somehow protective about him. Because, the Russian had taken a liking for the teenager and saw in him a potential friend. She had read various times the lust in his eyes, and yet, he had not flirted with her one single time. He was polite and respected her own space at all times. He never attempted to invade her personal life or privacy, which she highly appreciated and therefore, Natasha reattributed the same respect. Her thoughts concerning her new friend were broken by a male voice.

"Well, there's a face I didn't expect to see tonight!" Both Loki and Natasha turned to look at the source of the voice and the teenager gave his very first honest smile since he arrived.

"Captain! What are you doing here?" Loki asked equally surprised.

"Stark invited me, of course. We are…kind of friends." The blond said with an awkward smile. "He is responsible of our academic sport equipment and since I am the head of the team, well…"

"Do I have the impression he gives you the headaches?" Loki asked amused.

"You have no idea." Steve confessed with a sigh and they both laughed amused. The blond looked then at Natasha curiously.

"Natasha Romanoff." She politely introduced herself and stretched her hand to shake his.

"Steve Rogers."

"Stark invited us because of our class project." Loki clarified, afraid his friend might take the wrong conclusions. Not that he would be bothered by it, but he somehow had the feeling Natasha wouldn't be too amused by it.

"Oh right, Thor told me about it." The blond said. "Well, he hasn't arrived yet. God only knows when he will."

Loki and Natasha switched looks. The raven-haired man sighed annoyed and suddenly the alcohol he had consumed until now felt way too insufficient. This was going to be a long night.


	8. Stark's Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marver or its characters

"Ah! There are my prodigy student's!"

Tony Stark suddenly appeared from behind Captain, who almost hissed annoyed. Stark had arrived one hour and a half later at his own party and made an official opening with one of his fabulous eccentric speeches. Afterwards, he circled the room and engaged small talks with the different guests he encountered (most of them he had no idea who they were). At a certain moment he bumped against Bruce Banner, who reminded him he and Steve Rogers had too been invited to the party.

Stark then revealed he wanted to talk with the University's Captain and this was when he spotted Loki and Natasha. "These two hacked me in my very first class and later on avoided a virus from their computer system in a record time!" He told Captain and Bruce in a praising manner. He then turned to his students." Are you having fun?"

"Absolutely." Loki and Natasha said at the same time.

"Ah, already synchronized! You'll make a great team. Have you two already had sex together?" Stark bluntly asked.

"I beg your pardon?" Loki asked indignantly, while Natasha pressed her lips together in a bothered manner.

"So you didn't." Stark concluded and Loki glared at him, while Natasha shifted uncomfortably, suddenly finding her shoes very interesting.

"So, ehm…how do you know they hacked your computer?" Bruce asked, wanting to break the uncomfortable tension that had just settled between them.

"J.A.R.V.I.S. told me, of course."

"Who?" Captain asked confused.

"He's Just A Rather Very Intelligent System." Stark casually said.

"You mean, artificial intelligence?" Loki asked.

"Very clever!" Stark complemented. He then turned to Bruce. "Remind me again why you are here?"

"I am here because I am replacing Dr. Selvig." Banner explained in a much suppressed exasperated manner, but still looking helpless and bothered.

"Oh yes! I remember now! I'm sure Eric would be having much more fun than you sour people!" Stark pointed Bruce and Steve.

"What happened with Dr. Selvig ?" Captain curiously asked. Stark placed himself between Steve and Bruce, his hands resting on their shoulders, and looked at them like if he was about to share an important secret.

"He went last week to the UK to make some research and was supposed to return yesterday. I'm afraid there was a small complication." He explained. "It appears our Swedish friend was running around naked in the Stonehenge with his equipment. No worries, I already paid his bail out of the mental institution."

"Mental insti….What was he doing running around naked anyway?" Bruce asked shocked.

"He said something about thinking better."

"I thought was supposed to be a genius." Captain said amused.

"And he is, as much as he is insane. Now Captain America."

"Please, don't call me that…"

"I need you to talk with that gorgeously annoying journalist over there. I did some gyms with her (if you know what I mean) two years ago…or was it three years ago…anyway, she's been over my back the whole evening and Pepper is already sending me daggers with her eyes, so please, entertain her!" Stark said while he practically dragged the blond man to a woman drinking alone nearby.

"With friends like this, who needs enemies?" Loki stated amused as he watched Captain dart his eyes nervously from Stark and back to the blond journalist.

"You can say that again." A female voice said from behind the teenager. Loki turned around and immediately recognized the CEO from Stark Industries.

"Miss Potts?"

"Please, call me Pepper." She kindly dismissed. "Now, look at you. Last time I saw you, you barely reached my waist."

"I don't have any recollection of meeting you." Loki said amused.

"Well, you were about 7 or 8 years old and my visit in your father's office was quite brief."

"You went to my father's office?"

"I was interested in having a partnership with your father, but I'm afraid it didn't work out." Stark explained, having meanwhile returned.

"Really? I had no idea. I just assumed you had been rivals at all times."

"Well, yes. But I loved that software your father created in the 90's. I wanted to work together with him, you know, improve his project with my ideas but Laufey proved to be quite unyielding. It's a pity it didn't work out…I might be partially to blame on that one…" Stark muttered the last part more to himself. "Anyway, I'm quite excited about your project. I've just given a look at your start plan and, it needs a few small adjustments here and there, but you guys are on something pretty amazing. Good work!" He said while he patted Loki's back. "We'll talk more about it next week, okay?" Stark suddenly turned to Natasha. "Do you like smoked salmon?"

"Y-Yes, in a matter of fact, I do." The redhead said after blinking twice in confusion

"Good, they have over there these mini snack thingies with smoked salmon that are absolutely magnificent. Now you children go have fun!" Stark said before he walked away, grabbing Pepper by her waist. Loki and Natasha followed him with their eyes and then looked at one another.

"Is this why he invited us tonight?" Loki asked outraged. "I thought he wanted to discuss the project tonight."

"Obviously he doesn't." Natasha replied, sounding equally annoyed and sighed. "I guess I'll check for that salmon."

…

The party became wilder by the hour, with loud music and a lot of dancing. Loki, Natasha and Bruce followed Stark's suggestion and were checking out the snacks when Captain joined them. He proudly stated he had successfully escaped the journalist's claws. Despite the initial disappointment in not getting more details on the project, Natasha was starting to enjoy herself.

The Russian smiled as Loki put one of the small snacks in his mouth and told her afterwards she needed to taste one too, because it was divinely delicious. The redhead realized she was relishing the night because of the three men's company. They were all different in their own ways. Loki was playful, Captain was stiffly serious and Bruce was distracted  but kind. Yet, they all had one thing in common – they all treated her respectfully as a human being and not as some mindless sex idol. And that was quite refreshing.

As the hours passed by, the group started to disperse. Steve was running away again from the clingy journalist, Bruce was talking with other scientists and Natasha had disappeared when her phone started ringing. Loki looked around and exhaled deeply. His friends were out of sight and he had no longer anybody to distract him from the nervous feeling in his belly that insisted to increase.

Thor's words about his talents in IT were ringing in his head. His conversation with Stark echoed in his mind. What had started as an innocent decision, motivated by his untamed curiosity, was gaining a far more serious direction. This was about the Stark Enterprises and the Frost Incorporation. This was about his IT knowledge. This was about his future. A career path he wasn't interested in, but insisted in persecuting him. His eyes scanned the crowd of men and women gallantly dressed, holding drinks and chatting loudly. Dozens and dozens of voices filled and echoed in the large division. The DJ's music and its bright lights only increased the chaos and noise. Never had Loki felt so misplaced in a party before. He suddenly felt claustrophobic.

With a bouncing heart, Loki stepped to the balcony outside, where nobody else was. He felt a slight relieve when he breathed in the night's cool air. He felt his accelerated heartbeat stabilize and the pain in his belly diminish. Yet, the uncomfortable feeling remained there. He pondered calling Thor. But what was he going to say? That he was scared? Confused? Revolted? Thor wouldn't even understand why Loki was feeling divided. The blond would only grow worried and that was the last thing the teenager wanted to do to his best friend. So he took a long deep breath and decided to sulk alone and try to figure out what to do in this delicate situation. His worrisome thoughts were interrupted by a soft sound of steps and a hushed voice coming from the other end of the balcony.

"I want to know what you've done to Clint Barton."

It was Natasha. She was on the phone, talking in a neutral calm voice, yet Loki could recognize the authority and determination in it. When the redhead had stepped into the balcony, she was looking at the floor. It was only after she had spoken her demand that she lifted her head and froze for some seconds. She discerned Loki's almost camouflaged figure in the dark, and pressed her lips tensely. Obviously she thought she was alone. She turned a bit around and didn't even bother to lower her voice. "And once you've won, once you're king of the mountain, what happens to him?... You're a monster!... So... that's your play. Thank you for your collaboration." She turned off the phone with a sigh.

"That call didn't seem to go very well." Loki said unmoving. He was leaning against the balcony's wall in a lazy manner.

"That moron gave everything." Natasha neutrally said while she walked towards Loki and sat on the balcony's wall.

"Friend in trouble?" The teenager asked but all he received was a « _mind-your-own-business»_ look. "Oh. Is this love, Miss Romanoff?

"Love is for children. I owe him a debt." She replied sounding a bit annoyed. Loki smiled amused.

"Tell me."

"He helped me out with some legalization issues before I moved to the States." The Russian explained and Loki hummed. He redirected his eyes to the sky. He clearly wasn't buying it.

"So why aren't you in the party?" The redhead asked.

"I needed some fresh air." Loki said and sighed afterwards. He needed to get these nerves off his chest. "I never should have come here. I didn't even want to come in the first place!"

"Then why did you?"

"To tell you the truth, I have no idea. I let myself be persuaded."

"By whom?"

"Thor… I can't believe I actually listened to him! I never listen to him, because obviously when I do, I regret it later on!" Loki said irritated. "He made it sound like it was the wise thing to do."

"Sounds like you are good friends." Natasha said with a smile.

"Best friends. We grew up together, played together, fought together." Loki said the last part playfully, but Natasha recognized nostalgia in his voice. "The only time we were separated was last year when he moved out to college. The umbilical cord was finally cut."

"You two are very close." She said. It was not a question, but a clear statement.

"Like brothers." Loki said with a smile, but the redhead could discern the melancholy in his tone.

A comfortable silence settled between them. Loki fixed his eyes in the stars above while Natasha contemplated Loki silently. The first time she noticed him was when she saw Loki hack Stark's account, mere seconds after her. But the young man only really caught her attention when he turned around to look at her with a curious glint in his eyes, just before she made her question to Stark. After Stark gave her the answer, the freshman was still looking at her, so the Russian purposely locked her gaze with his. Surprisingly, and unlikely most people, he didn't break eye contact. Instead Loki's lips drew a victorious smirk and only then, did he turn back on his seat.

Naturally, Natasha took some minutes of her time to investigate who this overconfident and daring young man was. She soon found out he was Laufey Frost's youngest son. A prodigy child with the best school scores and the worse behavior reports. Surprisingly, the rebellious son succeeded to maintain a low profile in the world of media. She was sure there was enough material to write a book about Loki. Above all, there was a particular hospital file that had the potential to shake the Frost's company and family reputation. By the end of the class, the Russian had sketched an idea about the person Loki was. And decided she wanted to work with him.

But tonight Natasha had got to learn who Loki Frost truly was. The few hours she interacted with Loki, were enough for the Russian to recognize the vulnerability in him. The enormous emotional fragility. The redhead had already unveiled many of Loki's internal conflicts he so skilfully hid from the world. She could see he was carrying old untreated wounds that were weighting heavily on him. She wondered how long he had been carrying these old pains. Above all, she wondered how much longer he would manage to hold this heavy burden.

Natasha saw right through Loki. He was the brilliant misunderstood mastermind, whose greatest talent was to deceive the world with lies. His always confident smile, his playful and sarcastic jokes, his rebellious look; it was one great illusion. A mask to conceal the scared and lonely boy under layers of repressed conflicting emotions. The Russian empathized with Loki and realized she truly wanted to be his friend. For his sake. For her own sake. Because she recognized herself in him. The scared young girl from just a few years ago that fought and survived, growing up to become the woman she was now. A woman still haunted by her past.

"Shall we go back inside?" Natasha spoke and seemed to wake up Loki from his reveries. "I doubt anybody is sober enough to recognize you by this hour of the night."

Loki looked at the people dancing at the DJ's music, Stark on top of the podium dressed in his famous Iron suit, surrounded by a dozen of beauties, all of them clearly wasted. The teenager's gaze shifted to the Russian and he nodded with a grin.

"Let the party begin."


	9. Lonely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or its characters

The party had been crazy. There was loud frenzy music and lots of high alcoholic drinks. Tony Stark was the center of the party, a true show man. He was the star that sparkled the brightest. And he was absolutely wasted. He thrilled his empty-headed fans when he did the moondance with his iron suit and broke expensive decorations here and there, as he clumsily hit them when he danced unbalanced.

There was a moment during the party when the magnate was flirting with Natasha. He placed his iron's suit fist around her hand and instructed her to point and hit. Which she did. A bolt of bright blue light travelled the room and was followed by a dry loud blast. Loki was divided. He did not know if he should find it amusing the little Russian had just exploded an expensive contemporary statue; or be green of jealously for the way they looked intimate. He picked Pepper Pots from the corner of his eye and could see the hurt in her gaze. He took pity of her, imagining how hard it was to be Tony Stark's partner. Without thinking, he walked to the woman and she smiled at his comprehensive expression. They sat on a quiet corner and talked casually till the sky became lighter and a new day was born. It was time to go back home.

...

Loki was relieved to enter his apartment. He was exhausted from the party, from his worries and above all, from always being right about this instincts. Barely three hours after the party was over, a photo of Loki standing between Stark and Pepper, clearly engaged in a friendly conversation, had already been published in a newspaper. The small article was enough to build up suspicions about a future collaboration between Tony Stark and the heir of Frost Corporation. After all, Laufey's oldest sons had chosen career paths detached from the IT world, so it was always implicit the youngest Frost member would follow his father's footsteps. To worsen things up, the journalists had discovered Loki was following classes with Tony Stark and enthusiastically spread the news around.

Of course Laufey read the article and called his son for explanations. Of course his father was furious and his mother desperate. Of course Loki had a huge fight with the Frost patriarch over the phone. The call had barely ended, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth, when his mobile started ringing again. This time it was his brother Býleistr. He too had just read the article and was concerned with his little brother. Loki had had always a closer bond and understanding with his middle brother and told about his fight with his father, verbalizing his anger and frustration in an exasperated voice. After about twenty minutes, they ended the call and Loki suddenly saw he had several missed calls. One was his oldest brother, Helblindi, the rest a bunch of numbers he didn't recognize. The world had just gotten mad.

The talk with Helblindi had been comforting. The oldest sibling was always the calmest of the three, and his voice alone had a soothing effect in Loki. The raven-haired man found himself struggling against the lump in his throat as the nerves from the last days, combined with tiredness, started to affect him. He suddenly wished he was with Thor, for he was the one person who always knew to make him smile even during the direst moments. But from all the missed calls and messages in Facebook and Twitter, none were from Thor. It hurt immensely, to know his best friend was oblivious to his troubles.

Loki locked himself in the plane's toilet and turned his mobile off. So-called friends from High School, people he had no idea who they were, plagued him with all kind of messages. He sought privacy and solace, trying to avoid Natasha. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and he truly looked like shit. He was extremely pale and his hands were trembling from the distress. But he couldn't stay in the plane's toilet all the travel, so he cleaned his face, composed himself as much as possible and took a few deep breathes before returning to his seat.

"I too hate journalists." Natasha said when he sat down, almost looking stoic, but the distress evident in his clear eyes.

"So you saw the article." It wasn't a question, still the redhead gave a soft nod with an understanding smile. "Oh well, the world hasn't collapsed and the universe didn't explode, so I guess things are okay."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No." Loki tiredly said. "I just don't want to think about any of this shit for now."

The Russian observed him with clever eyes and the teenager swallowed dry. He feared she would insist, because if she did, he already knew he would tell her everything about his father's fury, his mother's silence, his brother's concerns and his fake-friends opportunisms. And he knew she would listen and wouldn't judge. But she didn't insist and instead she talked about their project. The distraction had been welcome and when they finally landed, although they went on separate ways, Loki was sure he had gained a new friend.

He entered the apartment with an exhausted sigh. Nobody was home and he figured out Thor was with Jane. The mere thought made him want to rip off his heart from the chest, because the pain, the solitude, de loneliness were unbearable. He walked to his bedroom and sank into his bed. Of course Thor had not read the article about him and Stark. The blond had only eyes and ears for beautiful perfect Jane. And the knowledge of it pierced his heart and shattered it. He closed his burning eyes, swallowed the lump in his throat and surprisingly, dozed off.

…

Loki woke up with a soft sensation on his shoulder. He tiredly opened his eyes and blinked them in confusion, not remembering where he was. He looked up and Thor was looking down at him with a sweet smile on his face.

"Hey, sleepy-head!" The sophomore greeted and Loki smiled, despite the pounding on his head. "When did you return?" Thor asked and Loki turned with a hoarse groan, feeling completely drained. He looked at the clock. It was already evening. He had slept the whole afternoon.

"Just after midday." He said while he rubbed his eyes. Thor remained standing next to his bed. Loki lifted his head when he heard noise in the kitchen and looked questionably at his best friend.

"Jane is putting on the table. We just finished cooking diner. Mind to join us?" Thor kindly invited and Loki suppressed an annoyed groan. He could not believe his luck.

"Sure."

…

"So, how was the party?" Thor asked while he took a fork of rice to his mouth.

"Overrated, of course." Loki dryly answered, filling his mouth with chicken. He had not realized how hungry he was until he had a plate of food under his nose. The blond made a scoffing sound.

"Details, my friend! Give me details." Thor insisted with a grin.

Loki looked tiredly at him, then warily at Jane and then back at the blond, who was giving him the kindest of smiles. Loki felt himself melt, helplessly surrending to his friend's wishes. He recounted briefly the most important events, focusing mainly in Stark's eccentric behavior. He had purposely told the news about Dr. Selvig, knowing Jane was his protégé, wanting the girl to suffer a bit. It worked and Loki cruelly savored the way the brunette got all worked up. She even interrupted her dinner to call the old scientist.

Loki was disappointed with Jane's relieve when she discovered he was already back in the States and had lost none of his good-disposition. He grew the more annoyed when Thor asked his girlfriend what the physicist was doing in the UK. Jane started her typical overenthusiastic, loud and rapid rant and her voice pierced Loki's ears like a drill. His headache became worse. His head pounded painfully at each and every word she said. The brunette's voice seemed to be created with the sole purpose of torturing him.

"Shit, you never stop talking, do you?" Loki suddenly spat silencing the young woman who stilled shocked at his sudden outburst.

"Loki!" Thor yelled and the younger man released a groan of protest as his friend's shout sounded like heavy thunder. "What is your problem?"

"Her voice is so loud! And she never shuts the fuck up! Seriously, Jane! Do you even breathe when you rant like that?" Loki rudely blurted, making Jane feel very embarrassed. Thor's anger increased at his best friend's harassment and he stood up looking threateningly at Loki.

"Apologize!" The blond demanded.

"T-Thor, it's okay, really." Jane tried to dismiss, resting her small hand on his large arm, but had no effect. Her boyfriend was truly angry.

"No! Loki doesn't have the right to talk to you like that!" The blond angrily said.

"Oh, for Christ sake! She knows she talks too much!" Loki furiously blurted.

"You will not speak like that of her! Now apologize!" Thor annoyingly insisted.

"Fuck you, Thor!" Loki spat while he stood up, locking his blazing gaze on the stormy eyes. "This is ridiculous! You are acting like Jane's bodyguard! She is not helpless like a child or some fragile dame in distress! She's smart and independent and can stand up for herself!" Loki angrily refuted. He turned to the young woman. "Really, Jane, you should feel insulted to have a boyfriend behaving like you are made of glass and don't have a mind of your own!"

"Stop poisoning her mind with you manipulative words!" Thor furiously demanded and Jane quickly got up frightened. She grabbed Thor's arm with both her hands.

"Please, Thor. It's okay. I know I tend to talk a lot and obviously Loki is not feeling well." The young woman diplomatically said. She looked scared from one man to the other and feared this senseless argument would become physical.

"See? _She_ at least has some sense!" Loki said in a haughty manner, lifting his chin arrogantly. Thor felt his insides burn from anger and, wasn't for Jane's strong grip around his arm, he would have punched the raven-haired man. The teenager made a scoffing sound, reading Thor's intentions perfectly. "Pitiful… Now, if you will excuse me, I lost my appetite. Going back to sleep." Without adding a word, Loki left the kitchen, food still in his plate.

…

Jane shifted from the couch with almost a jolt when she heard the sloppy sound of slippers rasping the floor. She had felt bad about the previous evening and decided to stay with Thor until the younger man would wake up so she could make things right again. She loved the easy fraternity that always existed between the two men, thus it hurt her to see them upset with each other. For one thing was sure. Jane knew Thor was still holding a grudge against his best friend.

The brunette stood up but froze at the sight of Loki. He was standing in front of the kitchen with the sleepiest expression, no guyliner, his hair one great mass of untamed curly locks and only wearing his pajama pants. She stared dumbfounded for some seconds, never expecting to see that well-worked out body in her unconventional friend. He stared back at her clearly trying to understand what Jane Foster was doing in his kitchen.

"Hi." Jane said after a long awkward hesitation. Loki remained standing unmoving, his eyes heavy and unfocused.

"Loki, go put a shirt on!"

Thor suddenly said, a clear scolding tone in his voice. He noticed the way Jane was staring at his best friend's bare chest. Loki looked bored from Jane to his friend and back to the girl with a slow uninterested head movement. But after some moments of an uncommon slow processing, his thoughts finally clicked and a small mischievous grin appeared on his face. He ignored the blond's command and instead sat on the chair by the table. Thor rolled his eyes upset knowing his friend wasn't going to give any kind of response until he had his coffee. So after a few minutes Loki had a mug with the stimulating drink under his nose. He stared at it a while before he took it to his lips and drank a sip.

"Thank you." He whispered and Thor looked at his friend's face under the mass of black hair and saw the tired sleepy look in his face.

"Are you all right?" Thor asked, a hint of concern appearing in his voice.

He placed his hand on his friend's temple to feel the temperature, but the freshman weakly shoved it away in a numb move. Loki's hand lazily traveled down Thor's arm and stopped on his wrist where it remained unmoving for some seconds. The raven-haired man was so sleepy, he didn't even notice what he was doing and missed Thor's tender smile. But the moment was short lived and soon Loki had both his hands warming themselves around the mug.

"I'm fine." Loki whispered with his eyes closed. He was too drained to even become upset at the knowledge his best friend still didn't know about the article. "Just still feeling a bit nauseous from yesterday. I wish I had thrown up."

"That's disgusting." Thor said with a chuckle. He missed the sigh of relieve coming from Jane when she noticed the tension between the two best friends disappeared. She hated conflicts.

"At least when I do, I don't feel so sick afterwards." Loki stated. A few minutes later there were two toasts with butter and jam under his nose.

"Eat that up." Thor said with a smile. "I'm bringing Jane home. You better rest a bit more."

Loki nodded and hid his saddened face under his wild messy hair. He remained immobile on his seat and listened the door shut itself behind Thor and Jane. A shaky breath escaped Loki's lips when he was emerged in a lonely silence in the apartment. He stared at the toast and felt his eyes prick. He hated Thor. He hated him for only having eyes for Jane. He hated Thor for his everlasting kindness and forgiveness. He hated Thor for making him feel happy and give him the butterflies. He hated Thor for making him feel loved, cared and protected. He hated Thor for making him feel all the right things. But above all, he hated Thor for loving him as a brother.

This fraternal relationship was too thin, too insufficient, too little for him. It only made him long for the blond even more, crave for his attention, wanting to be the center of his universe. Loki wished he could command his heart. Because if he did, he would command to stop falling in love with Thor every time he saw him. He gasped loudly when two perfect tear drops slowly drew the line of his cheeks. It hurt, oh-how it hurt. This cruel one-sided love that made him blissful one moment just to be ripped of his happiness in the next one. The coffee and the toast were ignored as Loki hid his face behind his hand and cried. He cried of a broken heart, he cried for his conflict with his father, he cried for the wickedness of destiny. He cried alone. And wished he never had been born.


	10. A gray day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or its characters

There were days when life made no sense at all. There were days that going on was a perfectly ridiculous notion. There were days that it was simply impossible to understand why we keep living a repeatedly monotonous and shallow life to fulfill society's expectations. Today was one of these days.

The raven-haired teenager woke up feeling gloomy. It was not the first time he woke up feeling like this, but today the melancholy felt stronger. Despite his first instinct being the one of lying in bed all day and sullen on sad thoughts, he forced himself to get up. Thor wasn't in the house. He hadn't returned last night and obviously had stayed at Jane's. This mere though tore him apart and Loki left to college without breakfast.

He went to classes, but was deaf to the teachers' voices. His mind was trapped in a depressive spiral of lonely thoughts. _Did his parents ever want him? Did his brothers really care about him? Were his so-called friends truly friends or just people he knew and would disappear from his life the moment college ended?_   He skipped lunch, not wishing to have any kind of company. He wanted to be alone, despite feeling lonely. Loki decided he wasn't going to any classes anymore today and left campus. He walked without a purpose and eventually sat on a bench on a random street.

It was not easy living with a depression. Loki had grown used to waking up feeling gloomy, but the prospect of being with his friends at college usually cheered him up. Sometimes he woke up feeling strangely ecstatic, feeling thrilled to be alive. His happiness and optimism were then always contagious and the day would be shared with laugher among friends. And then there were days like today when even when the sky was its bluest and the sun shone its brightest, Loki's world would remain gray.

Loki had sat on the bench for many hours. He had earplugs on but listened to no music. He had a book on his lap, but didn't ready one word of it. His eyes followed cars moving around. He watched people going on about their lives, passing by him but never seeing him. He was invisible to them, another anonymous face. Loki was a stranger to them. Nobody knew him, and therefore nobody cared for him.

He watched the dry brown leaves being ripped off trees until they were naked and cold. His eyes followed the sun's journey through the sky. Today Loki felt dead. He was too numb to feel any emotion. All he could feel was an unpleasant emptiness in his heart, one he didn't even bother to try to figure out its origin. For today life sucked. The world mocked at him as people lived on their lives happily forever while he sank deeper in his own misery. They had a caring family, loyal friends and a loving partner. Today, Loki was alone. He had nothing and nobody.

The raven-haired young man could have sat on the bench till darkness fell. But the morning's blue sky became cloudier during the afternoon and by the evening the sky was dark and heavy with rain. The weather became drizzly and Loki blinked when he felt the soft cold dampness touch his skin. His eyes followed people without an umbrella running to their homes, others walked protected from the rain but in no less hurry. A chill swept over his body when a cold wind blew harder. Loki decided to move away.

He didn't feel like going back to his apartment. He didn't know which was the worse prospect. Of finding it empty like this morning, or with Thor in it all happy and oblivious to his pain. Loki paced slowly without a destination. He just allowed his feet to carry him away to any place dry. He did not realize he was walking over the bridge until he was on the middle of it. He suddenly halted. A heavy silence befell around him. There was nobody in the streets. Evening had fallen earlier, bringing rain and darkness with it and people had all already fled to the warmth of their homes. Loki's gaze fixed on the bridge's border. He walked a few steps until he stood against the bridge's metallic railing. His eyes scanned the view. He could see the campus from here. Trees along the shores. Cars parked in front of houses. Yellow warm light in the windows.

Then Loki looked below. He stared at the never ending current of streaming waters. It had become a dark mass with shinny reflections on the small waves. Loki became strangely curious and bended slightly over. He wondered what the distance was between the water and the floor he stood on. He wondered how deep the river was, how fast the current was. Without thinking, he placed his feet between the metal net so he stood a step higher. His eyes never left the darkened water. His ears were entranced by the soft murmur of raindrops hitting the river's surface. Loki wondered how fast a fall would be. He wondered if it would hurt. He wondered if it would be fatal.

"Loki?"

The raven-haired man quickly jumped back to the ground and turned around with a startle. His eyes were widened as he suddenly woke up from his disturbing contemplation. His green gaze fell on the person that had called him out and his heart jolted from sheer embarrassment, guilt and fear.

"Natasha! I-I…" Loki stammered at the realization of what his behavior must have looked like. "I wasn't going…" He said while he gestured at the railing with a trembling hand. Natasha stood under a large black umbrella not far from him. She gave no answer but there was a wary look on her face, like if she was afraid to move and scare him off. An unsettling silence fell between them. Loki felt like the seconds stretched torturously into time. His heart was beating at a mad rate. He had no idea what to say or do next. Fortunately, Natasha's perspicacity saved him.

"Stark wants us to give a presentation about our project in tomorrow's class." She picked a subject that had nothing to do with what she had just witnessed and acted like nothing out the ordinary had happened. Loki's sigh of relieve was too evident not to be noticed, but Natasha ignored it.

"H-He wants what?" Loki asked, suddenly processing what Natasha had just said. "For tomorrow?!" He questioned outraged. He knew Stark was eccentric, but making a last-minute presentation in less than 24h pre-notice was certainly unacceptable. "Couldn't he have warned us earlier?" He complained but all Natasha did was shrug her shoulders.

"We better get it done as quickly as possible. Come, I live nearby." The redhead neutrally said and she turned to her apartment's direction.

"I thought you didn't want to work in each other's houses. Ever." Loki reminded, while he followed her still shocked with the news about Stark and the project, having completely forgotten about the bridge incident.

"We have no time to lose. I'll make it an exception this time." The walk to Natasha's apartment was short and done in an absolute uncomfortable silence. Loki, for being taller, held the umbrella that protected both of them from the rain. The physical closeness to the redhead only made things the more awkward. Fortunately they arrived her house in less than five minutes. "You can hang your coat over there."

The redhead indicated the hallway. Loki obeyed, still feeling mystified by the last-minute change from their Software and Programming teacher. But the initial confusion was starting to wear off, giving way to logic. Loki hung his black leather jacket and followed Natasha to the kitchen area. She was pouring food for an orange furred cat.

"Shit! I'm going to call him! If he thinks he can come up with last-minute tasks just because he fancies it, then he's dawn wrong! " Loki blurted out revolted. He stared bewildered at Natasha as she stood up, leaned with her back against the counter and looked at him with her arms crossed and a serious expression on her face. "What? Do you really think I will accept this bullshit?"

"I lied." Natasha calmly said while she let her arms drop.

"What?!"

"I lied." She repeated while she paced closer to him.

Natasha held her gaze on Loki's and read the utter confusion in the green eyes. He didn't move an inch when she stood right opposite him. He seemed to suspect what she wanted, although he couldn't understand why. Her hands gently held his shirt's collar and he allowed her to push him lower, while she stretched on the tip of her toes to meet his lips mid-way.

It was a soft kiss. One of such an outstanding gentleness, that Loki felt himself melt away at the ghostly brush of lips. It had felt wonderful, perfect and Loki closed his eyes to savor the reminiscent of the small but marvelous touch. Natasha had her eyes still open and witnessed the serenity spread over his face. She kissed him again, and again, and again. Small dry and gentle kisses, soft sweet pecks that only lasted a second. They repeated the process for a very long time, Natasha taking the initiative and Loki simply following her. He knew better than to try and demand more. She was the one with control here and she would stop immediately should he disrespect her boundaries. And yet, he was enjoying the moment so greatly that it would have been enough for him to feel happy. Loki had never been kissed like this before. He never experienced anything this sweetly, this lovingly. It felt good. It felt right. And it was way better than all the passionate kisses he shared with the redhead in his mind.

After for what felt like minutes, one of Natasha's hands found Loki's cheek, the other his back. Loki carefully rested both his hands on the redhead's waist, his fingers barely touching her flesh. He knew he had no permission to go further than that. Their lips never stopped with the little indulges. A short while after, Natasha brushed her body against Loki's, increasing the physical contact, making him release a shaky gasp, the excitement building up in his body. His hands carefully traveled slowly between her waist and lower back. Natasha released an almost inaudible moan and departed her lips so they could add some energy to the kiss. It still took a while before she demanded space to enter Loki's mouth. Their tongues finally met. The feeling and taste of her warm interior only increased Loki's need to be even closer to the woman. His grip around her tightened so their bodies were pressed together and their mouths connected better. Natasha allowed the bold transgression and instead increased the passion in her kiss. After a delicious eternity, the kiss lost its power, returned to the soft pecking and their lips departed. They locked their gazes for the first time since their lips first touched. Natasha picked up their kiss where they had stopped and released a few soft gasps. She could feel Loki growing against her and gently broke the kiss. She took his hand on hers and guided the raven-haired man along the hallway.

They entered her bedroom and Loki had little time to discern the light wooded furniture and a few Russian posters on her wall. Natasha guided him to sit on her bed, his feet firmly on the ground. She sat on his lap, facing him, her legs wrapped around his waist. They took on where they had stopped, their lips and tongues working skillfully. The kiss was broken so Natasha could take off her shirt, but left her basic black bra on. Afterwards she undressed Loki's shirt, leaving him bare-chested and they continued with the kissing. Although their breathing became heavier, an indication the fire on their bodies was building up, the kissing continued unhurried. It took a while before Loki dared to search for Natasha's bra's opening and released it. They both gasped at the full contact of her breasts against his skin. Natasha placed his hands on them. She wanted Loki to play with them, to indulge her with pleasure, as much as he wanted. His skilled fingers caressed the delicate skin texture, traced the curvy lines, and drew the pink hard nipple before his lips connected with the sensible skin. Natasha pulled her head back, releasing a very soft but satisfied gasp. Their foreplay was tortuously slow but unbearably pleasurable.

While Loki gave attention to Natasha's breasts, her hand travelled down his chest, belly and slip under his pants. The raven-haired man gave a small flinch at the sensational enticing sensation and let a chuckle escape his lips. Oh, he was already quite hard. The redhead met his smile with a kiss and her finger's wrapped themselves around his hardened genital. The temperature in Loki's body shoot up suddenly. Natasha could feel him become restless from under her, his hips moving eagerly against her hand. His breathing was coming in gasps, his kisses becoming more fierce and erratic. She climbed off from him and removed her leader skirt, tights and panties. And so, she stood fully naked in front of Loki. Natasha could as well have told him she was a goddess of love and beauty, he would have believed it. Her skin had a perfect creamy shade and was surprisingly absent from any tattoos. She was short but her body was a perfection of molded curves and firm breasts.

Natasha signed with her head for him to undress himself too, which he did promptly, unable to believe he was going to have sex with Natasha Romanova. Meanwhile, she walked to the other side of the room and returned holding a condom between her fingers. There was a faint smile on her lips and Loki wasn't entirely sure if it was a confident one. He returned the smile, feeling nervous and excited at the anticipation of touching her intimately. He closed his eyes and suppressed a trembling gasp when she placed the rubber around his hard length and gave it a few strokes before sitting on his lap again. They locked their gazes, their noses brushing against each other, while Natasha lowered her body holding his cock, so it slipped into her wet warmness. Loki released a chocked moan and breathed hard as he refrained himself from moving immediately inside of her. He forced his mind to remind him it was Natasha who had control in this, it was she who made the rules. The rules he would follow blindly.

She moved tortuously slow and deep. Loki only moved his hips slightly, enough to meet Natasha's pace. They kissed tenderly for a long time, until their bodies picked up the speed, while the heat and the excitement grew between them. Loki's hips started moving faster and deeper from under Natasha, making her gasp loudly and meow softly. She pushed him down gently, guiding him to lay on his back and Loki watched entranced as the redhead danced the tango on top of him, her hands caressing his chest and belly. He was sure he never had had a more beautiful and fascinating partner as the small redhead. Natasha was a silent lover, but her expression betrayed the pleasure she was living. During an interval between their increasingly wild movements, Loki sat up again, needing to feel her close to him again, needing to kiss her passionately. Natasha allowed his advance and they kissed longingly, their tongues matching the speed of their hips, relishing the taste of their mouths. Their dancing was becoming more frantic and erratic. Loki could hear in Natasha's soft but louder moans she was nearing her climax. Her body was contracting and she seemed not to have the energy to match his speed anymore.

"Let me go on top of you." Loki whispered and Natasha nodded, her eyes darkened by overwhelming desire.

The last minutes were intense, the pounding faster and wilder, the intervals shorter, the temperature rising by the second. Natasha's body contracted and stilled completely for a few moments, while Loki pierced her mercilessly until a series of moans expressed the pleasure of Natasha's release. Loki came shortly after and they laid afterwards wrapped around each other, savoring the afterglow.


	11. Shattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or its characters

Eventually Loki shifted to the side and missed immediately the warmth emanated by the redhead's body. Now that the pressure had been fully released, his mind was working again and forming many interrogations in it. Natasha's wise eyes remained locked in his, astute and knowingly, waiting patiently for the first question.

"Do you pity me?" Loki finally asked in a whisper.

"No."

"I wasn't going to…" He said, referring to the bridge incident. He wasn't going to jump. That was the truth. He just wondered how it would be, how it would feel. The instant before it ended. He wondered that often, he realized.

"I know."

"Then why?" Loki was mystified by Natasha's initiative. She difficultly opened herself to others. In Loki's opinion, the redhead was the real representation of the independent woman. She possessed a rare self-confidence and knew very well what she wanted. There was no space for hesitations, sentimentalisms or doubts in Natasha's case. So why have sex with him if there existed no any kind of bond between them?

"You needed to feel loved and cared, even if it was only for a short while." Was her honest response. Loki stared at the ceiling and chuckled at the way she spoke things bluntly, detached of any kind of emotion.

"Wasn't it you who said love was for children?"

"I lied. Love is everything. It's what makes us strong." Natasha spoke with solemn seriousness and Loki turned his gaze to hers and stared surprised at her for moments.

"I could fall in love with you, you know?" He honestly said.

"You would fall in love with anybody that offered you love." Natasha stated as an undisputable fact.

"Hum, you think I'm desperate." He bitterly replied.

"You're shattered." She blandly stated. Loki was unable to hide the shock in his eyes. The vulnerability of his true identity had been discovered and openly verbalized. "Besides, you cannot fall in love with somebody when you have already given your heart to Thor."

"Is it that obvious?" A wave of panic filled Loki's chest. Vulnerable fear filled the depths of the green orbs.

"No. You hide it very well. I'm just not that easily fooled." Natasha said with a proud smile. Loki chuckled bitterly and pecked her lips twice. He sensed there resided no passion in them anymore and released a sigh.

"It's time to go back home, isn't it?"

"Yes." Natasha whispered, her look both hard and soft at the same time. Loki nodded in understanding and got up. "Take a shower first."

Loki froze for two seconds and nodded again with his back to her. He left the room and quickly found the bathroom. The warm water always comforted his mind. He stood a short while under it, feeling both exhilarated and saddened. Natasha had given him the comfort he needed. Both physical and emotional. But they both knew only Thor could give him what he truly needed. Loki knew that would never happen and this mere notion broke his heart. He was shattered and there was nobody to put the pieces back together. He wondered if Natasha had found the needed love with this Barton person. He wished she did, but had the unpleasant thought  she hadn't. And wondered which of the two needed to be comforted the most today. He closed the tap, dried himself and dressed up. He walked to Natasha's room and stopped at the door's entrance. She was still laying on the bed, naked and on her side, just like he had left her. He could not tell if she was awake or not.

"Thank you." Loki spoke after a short hesitation. His voice was low, but loud enough for his gratitude to travel to Natasha. He didn't wait for an answer and walked away. The redhead listened to his footsteps and heard the door shut itself behind him. A pair of untamable tears slipped down her face.

…

Loki entered his apartment feeling exhausted. It was only nine in the evening but he was ready to go to bed. He could hear the television, so he knew Thor was home. He closed the door gently, hoping he could tiptoe to his room without the blond listening. He failed of course.

"Hey Loki. Wanna watch a movie with me? _The wedding crashers_ has just started. You only missed about five minutes." Thor called out from the living room and Loki sighed heavily while he rolled his eyes. He hated romantic comedies.

"Ehm, I'm rather tired." Loki said with a shrug while he leaned at the door entrance. The blond, who was already sitting comfortably on the couch turned to look at him. His friend's hair and coat were wet, his face looked paler than usual. Loki did look tired.

"Where have you been?"

"Had to this thing for Stark's project with Natasha." He said while he rubbed his temple.

"Did you already eat anything?" Thor asked, knowing his friend easily forgot to eat when he was busy with studying. And he wouldn't allow him to deteriorate his health any further. Loki was too thin and pale for his liking.

"No."

"There are some leftovers from dinner." Thor said while he stood up and made his way to the kitchen.

"I'm not hungry. And you're missing your movie." Loki said in a complaining tone.

"Nonsense. You need to eat and I've seen that movie like five times already." The blond dismissed with a chuckle and threw pasta on a frying pan. If Loki wouldn't care for himself, he would.

"Why do you keep watching it? You must really be a hopeless romantic." Loki teased, watching Thor stir the food. The odor was spreading pleasantly in the kitchen, making his stomach grumble.

"Haha! Maybe I am." Thor said cheerfully and dropped the pasta on a plate. He handed it over to Loki, who was smiling.

"Smells good." Was the raven-haired teenager's way of expressing his gratitude.

"It is good. Jane cooked dinner. And made way too much, for your luck." The blond said while he gave a friendly pat on Loki's shoulder, missing the sour expression on his friend's face at the mention of Jane.

"Isn't she the perfect housewife?" Loki asked sarcastically. Thor took two bottles beer from the refrigerator and handed him one, chuckling amused at his friend's comment.

"Actually, she isn't. Clumsy as Hell. You should have seen the state of the kitchen once she was ready." Thor sat on the couch and Loki sat next to him and took a mouthful of spaghetti. Jane was perhaps a clumsy cook, but the food was tasty.

"Thor, why are you together with Jane?" Loki innocently asked. The blond shifted his eyes from the TV screen to face his friend. There was something in his friend's eyes that worried him. A kind of agony he couldn't quite identify the reason for its existence. And wondered what had happened between Loki and Natasha today.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you two have absolutely nothing in common." Loki clarified while he shifted more comfortably on the couch.

"I have nothing in common with you and I like you." Thor answered with a stupid grin, avoiding the question. Loki gave him a « _seriously?_ » look, while his heart cracked a little bit more.

"Yes, we have." Loki said faking to be offended.

"Oh really, what is it then?"

"We both love cream crackers with butter and chocolate spread." Loki said with a mischievous smile, his heart crying loudly at the sweet memory of two pre-teens giggling and eating the strange food composition in Frigga's kitchen.

Thor barked a loud laugher and Loki couldn't resist to release a small giggle. He could feel his eyes water. These short moments of brotherly intimacy hurt as badly as they made him happy. "So why do you like her?" Loki cursed internally as the swelling emotions surfaced in his voice. Thor heard the pain and turned to face him, reading the hurt Loki tried so hard to hide. He feared whatever expectations Loki had with Natasha, they did not turn out.

"I don't really know. I don't understand anything she says and it's true we hardly have anything in common but, I'm happy when I'm around her."

"Must be nice." Loki said in a choked voice. He took another fork of spaghetti to his mouth and shifted his eyes to the television screen, trying to ignore the concerned look Thor was giving him.

"One day you'll find love too." Thor said hoping to comfort and give hope to his friend.

A lonely silent tear slipped down Loki's cheek.

…

Days passed by and seemed to fly as college demanded more study time and less social life. Thor never got to know what exactly happened between Loki and Natasha that one evening. All he knew was they were becoming closer by the day. The blond was caught by surprise on the following Tuesday, when he saw the Russian sitting opposite Loki. Not really knowing why, he welcomed her uneasily.

Everybody seemed to be happy with the redhead's presence. The girls were thrilled with her cleverness and self-confidence (with the exception of Darcy, who hated Natasha for having taken her place opposite Loki and stealing all chances of ever succeeding in seducing him). The guys were obviously hypnotized by her beauty (even Bruce would give short glances in her direction once in a while, which was a rarity for the distracted scientist).

Thor couldn't quite pinpoint why, but somehow he wasn't too happy with Natasha becoming part of their friendship circle. He wondered if it was because she was the first person added to the group without it being introduced by him or Jane. He realized it was an extremely selfish thought that he would only approve friends chosen by him or his girlfriend. So he never uttered his dislike towards the redhead's addition to the group. But, as days followed, the uneasiness in Thor grew stronger and a strange sensation took over his belly, every time he watched Natasha and Loki interact during lunch.

They talked a lot. Loki had finally found somebody that leveled him intellectually. He and the redhead would talk about any kind of subject – computers, politics, economics, society, celebrities, you name it. But unlike the rest of the world, their conversations would become quite philosophical. They often disagreed and challenged the other to convince their opinion was the right one. It became a real war of words with all kind of intrinsic concepts, in which Thor was sure one sentence could have many different meanings. And it all happened in a friendly and teasing manner. Loki and Natasha never got mad with each other, as much as they opposed each other. By the contrary.

What amazed Thor the most was the fact Loki ended up agreeing with Natasha most of the time, which went completely against his stubborn and proud nature. As far as Thor knew, Loki always wanted to be right. So it was a strange thing to witness the accomplice smiles they always shared at the end of their arguments. Just like the many switching of glances that gave the impression they knew something the others didn't (which was probably the case). These wordless conversations kind of annoyed Thor. He found himself often more focused in trying to understand what was going between them than in listening Jane's intelligent words to him.

"Are you sure there's nothing going on between you and Natasha?" Thor finally gained courage to ask Loki, while he picked his car keys. It was Friday night and they were going to Fandral's house. It was his birthday and he was organizing an intimate party with his friends.

"I've told you already. We are just friends." Loki said while he put his coat on.

"So, you two never had sex?" Thor asked casually, while he opened the door and both exited the apartment. Talking about their sexual lives had always been a normal thing for them. Especially Loki seemed to have the necessity of retelling his sexual adventures to his best friend. It was his short hesitance that betrayed the raven-haired man. "Shit! You did have sex with her! Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Well…It's kind of a private thing." Loki said awkwardly and attempted to sound nonchalant but he had been unprepared, so this time he failed in hiding his true face. "Besides, it was only once."

"She must mean quite a lot to you." Thor finally concluded after staring at his friend in a pensive manner.

"What makes you think that?" Loki asked surprised and halted for moments. Thor too stopped walking and faced his best friend directly.

"Well, you never become friends with someone you had a one-night stand. And you certainly never remain quiet about it either." Thor pointed the obvious facts and saw the way Loki opened and closed his mouth, for once not knowing what to say. The blond then walked to the car and Loki, after some dazzled moments, followed suit.

"This time it was – different…Look, we are not lovers. It was a one-time thing because…Anyway, just don't tell anybody." Loki nervously said. He noticed the way Thor stared back at him confused. "I am not in love with her, if that's what you are thinking. But I do have a great deal of respect for her and I really value her friendship."

"You do have been spending a lot of time with her." Thor admitted and couldn't help taste some bitterness in the back of his mouth. Loki sensed the hint of accusation.

"No less than the time I've been spending with Sif and Fandral."

"But more than you have been spending with me."

Thor finally verbalized what has been afflicting him the last weeks. Only after he spoke these words, did he finally understand his antipathy towards Natasha. It was not that he disliked the woman. It was that he felt threatened by her. He feared Loki would become more friends with the Russian than with him, his inseparable childhood friend. Because since college started, he and Loki had spent very little time together. Not to mention how often there seemed to be some kind of hostility around Loki when they were alone.

"You are always with Jane." Loki casually said with a shake of his shoulders, while his heart was torn apart at the same time an unhealthy heat of hatred for the brunette consumed it. He entered the car, taking the passenger's seat.

"That is not true!" Thor defended, telling himself Loki was just being his silly spoil self again. Yet, a thought in the back of his mind told him his friend was right. He sat on the driver's seat, put the key in the ignition but did not start the car.

"Look. Sif, Fandral and the others have complained about your absence since you started dating her. They don't say anything, because they don't want to upset you, but – that's the truth. " Loki carefully said. He wet his lips nervously before he continued. "Sure you have lunch with us and hang with us once in a while, but tell me Thor, when was the last time you actually spent time alone with any of your friends?"

Thor pondered Loki's interrogation and bitterly realized, the raven-haired man had pointed out an undeniable fact. He did invest all his time free with Jane. He loved her so much, enjoyed her company so much, desired to be with her so much, that he sort of forgot that he had friends. This realization made him feel both guilty and ashamed. But the worse part was knowing his friends didn't have the courage to tell him so. Which made him wonder why they weren't open to him about this. His contemplation was broken by Loki's voice. "I understand you are in love, but...Your entire universe revolves around her and her alone. And you have no time or interest for anybody else. You're drifting away, Thor."

"I…I truly hadn't realized." The blond admitted while looked guiltily at his friend.

Despite the calm way Loki spoke, his voice so soft it was almost a whisper; Thor could sense the pain in it. In his mind he had convinced himself that Loki was avoiding him and acting distant, since classes started, only to realize he was the one pushing himself away from the teenager and his other friends. He sighed when he realized Loki had invited him a few times to go out to one of his stupid parties, or go to the movies or even go drink something together. And all these times he had answered he couldn't because he already had plans with his girlfriend. No wonder the freshman was always pissed up with him.

The fact Loki was staring outside the window, instead of looking at him only confirmed that he was hurt. Thor felt stupid. Loki was strong-minded and stubborn, but he was also proud and sensible. He would never admit out loud he was hurt. "Loki, I'm really sorry."

The raven-haired man turned to look at the blond with an expression of utter surprise. Thor felt a chill go down his spine from the piercing look in the green gaze. He could read the pain and the anger in the depths of jade and waited for the moment Loki would start scolding him, telling him he was a big idiot. Which he would have all the reason and right to do. But the scolding never came and instead the teenager sighed.

"It's okay. Just don't forget me."

Thor felt his heart contract at Loki's tone. There was an unfamiliar sad acceptance in his tone. The blond understood his friend didn't believe him. Thor sighed when he remembered the younger man had pled for exactly the same thing one year ago, when he moved out to go to college. As much as he tried, contact remained always limited. And for the first time he truly wondered to what point he actually did his best to keep in touch with Loki. He suddenly felt sick. Thor realized how selfish he had been since he moved out. He thought he was all grown-up only because he was living by himself. Now he realized he was nothing but a boy trying to prove himself a man.

Thor felt sick. He had forgotten Loki. No, worse. He had taken Loki for granted. It was only after seeing Loki become more befriended with somebody else that Thor feared to lose him. This was the first time he actually had competition. This was the first time he actually had to work to keep his friend. All this made him feel sick, because it was unfair for Loki. Thor knew, despite all his best-friend's flaws and crazy moods, he was extremely loyal. And suddenly he felt unworthy of Loki's loyalty.

"I won't Loki. Not this time." Loki glanced briefly at Thor, like if he was afraid to lock his gaze with his. Thor was sure his friend had understood the hidden apology in his wording, because his lips drew a small smile.

"Better start the car, Thor. We are going to be late."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> When I was 15 and my cousin 12, we used to invade the kitchen at around 11 in the evening, pick cream crackers and spread one cracked with butter, one with strawberry jam and one with Nutella spread, join them in a small tower and eat them. Believe or not, they were really good (but I never repeated it again). So there's the inspiration.
> 
> Lets say from this chapter onward, the story will focus more and more in Thor and Loki's interactions and relationship. Up to here was a kind of basis for the plotline I want to build, a kind of warming up to the major events that are coming in the future chapters. There will be drama!


	12. Fragilizing friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of it's characters

Thor rang Fandral's front door bell. He and Loki switched surprised gazes as they heard the loud music and the overflow from female voices.

"Ah! Thor, Loki! Welcome my friends!" Fandral opened the door, looking radiant, despite his hair being slightly disheveled.

"I thought you said this was an intimate party." Loki said while he offered the blond a bottle of wine, his green gaze taking in the crowded living room packed with young beautiful women.

"Well, it is. I only invited my closest friends. I cannot help if ladies heard about the party. I did not have the heart to send them away." Fandral gallantly said while his hand rested on his heart. Loki made a scoffing sound while Thor barked a laughter.

"You're inexcusable!" The sophomore said while he pated his friend on the shoulder. "Now where are the others?"

…

It was surprising how many people Fandral's relatively small apartment could bear. There were at least 50 people spread out in the different parts of the house. Thor was sure, weren't it for the fact Fandral's neighbors were at the party too, they would have called the police by now. The loud music drilled his ears and seemed to want to tremble the building, attracting more and more female party goers. The blond struggled his way along the apartment divisions, doing his best not to stumble or crash against a dancing woman or a couple engaged in a kiss.

He hoped to find Loki in this chaos. It was three in the morning and he honestly had enough of the party. Jane had left early because of a headache. Fandral was surrounded by gorgeous women who listened excited to his tales about his fencing championships. Darcey was unsuccessfully trying to seduce Captain, after Loki escaped her for the tenth time and disappeared. Despite the confusion, Bruce and Natasha seemed to be engaged in a quiet conversation in the living room. Thor had spent most of the time with the company of Sif, Volgstagg and Hogun in a relatively quiet place by the window. But one by one, they paid farewell to the birthday boy and headed back home. Thor too wanted to leave, but he didn't dare to go without Loki. Especially after tonight's conversation.

Thor opened the bathroom's door and froze when he finally found his target. He felt awkwardly uncomfortable with what he saw. Loki was standing against the tiled wall with his shirt half open. He had his eyes closed, clearly relishing the soft kisses a dark brown-haired girl was planting on his chest. She continued unbuttoning his shirt and her lips traveled downwards to his belly. Thor knew where this was heading to and decided to take a leave. He was just about to turn around when Loki opened his eyes and their gazes met.

Thor could feel all the blood spread to his face from embarrassment. His friend could only be completely drunken, because in normal circumstances, Thor was quite sure Loki would have been shocked and uncomfortable in being caught in the act. But instead of uneasiness, the raven-haired man looked back at the blond with an unknown serenity, an unusual tenderness in his eyes and smiled softly before closing his eyes again. It was when the girl reached Loki's crouch and his lips departed in a silent gasp that Thor left the bathroom, making sure he shut the door behind him.

He walked to the kitchen and opened the window to breathe some air. It took him some time to realize he was panting, sweating and shaking. The image of Loki with that girl had gotten itself imprinted in his mind and disturbed him greatly. Thor knew he shouldn't. It had become quite common to find couples making out in this kind of parties after a certain hour of the night. Above all, he was more than familiar with Loki's tales about his one-night stands, so he shouldn't be surprised at all his friend had found himself a sex partner. But seeing Loki actually in this context made his stomach turn. He didn't quite know why. Maybe it was because he somehow had always wanted to believe that some part of Loki's childhood's innocence had survived during their growing process into adulthood. Maybe it was because this was a side in Loki he knew existed but never had been confronted before. Or maybe it was the sweetness and peacefulness of that look Loki gave him that haunted him. Thor left the window and searched the kitchen for a strong drink. He was needing it.

…

It was half an hour later when Loki appeared. Thor was sitting on the kitchen's counter, while he scrolled an internet page on his mobile.

"What are you doing?" The blond lifted his head startled to see his best friend standing right opposite him. He could see in his glazed eyes and crooked grin that Loki was more than tipsy.

"Just reading some stuff on the net." Thor answered while he put his phone back in his pocket and stood up. "And waiting for your return. I wanted to go home, but I could not find you."

"Oh. Well, I was…kind of busy." Loki said with a mischievous grin and Thor could tell Loki didn't recall their brief encounter. "Was rather sweet of you to wait for me."

"Don't flatter yourself." Thor said unable to hide the annoyance in his voice. He couldn't look at his friend without the image of Loki with the girl popping right into his mind. "Come on. I'm tired."

"Right." Loki said uneasy, as he sensed his friend's irritation. He immediately felt guilty and didn't dare to ask him how long he had waited for him. "Was quite a party, wasn't it?" The younger man said when they stepped outside, wanting to break the ice. Both breathed the welcoming cool night air.

"Yeah, if this is Fandral's notion for an intimate party, I don't want to know how a normal party is for him."

"Probably women only." Loki quipped and Thor actually smiled. They entered the car. "Sorry I made you wait. You could have gone home without me, you know."

"I wouldn't leave you behind, Loki." Thor said while started the engine. When Loki didn't answer, he looked at him. There was that soft smile again, which was matched with the tender half-drunken look. The raven-haired quickly broke the gaze and looked out the window.

"Thank you." Loki whispered. Thor's head became light for some moments and an involuntary smile drew on his lips. A peaceful silence reigned in the car and Thor drove back home.

…

"Hey Loki, I'm going this weekend to my parents. If you want, you can come along." Thor cheerfully asked while he opened the refrigerator and took a can of beer from it. Loki shifted uncomfortably on the chair. His heart jolted at the idea of going home, while a wave of anxiety swept unhealthily over his body. He forced the grimace away from his face.

"Ehm. Thank you but…I'm kind of busy this weekend. Have this major project to finish." The black-haired man excused himself in an almost nonchalant manner, while he gestured graciously at the large drawing he was making. "But thank you anyway for the offer."

"Are you sure? You haven't seen your parents since college started. Can't that project wait a few days?"

"Ah, dead-lines. You know how they work. I'll go another time." Loki dismissed in a carefree smooth manner.

Thor took a sip of his beer and watched silently as his friend continued his sketching. He actually thought it was a pity. He had hoped to have Loki's company in the four hour drive. It was always hilarious when they drove together. They had the habit of singing on top of their lungs, along the loud music of the radio. Loki would make the strangest comments about names of the places they passed and sometimes shouted something silly at people that were by chance at the street, startling them.

The sophomore turned on the TV but he wasn't really paying any attention to it. His eyes shifted once and a while to Loki. He smiled. More than a week had passed since Fandral's birthday party and Thor was finally capable of looking at his friend again without associating him to that awkward moment. He observed Loki working on a drawing and loved the way the green eyes glinted cleverly, just like he thought the little knitting of his brow from the concentration was absolutely adorable.

Thor missed his best buddy. Even after their conversation, they continued spending too little time together. Apparently Loki had his agenda filled with all kind of works, projects and papers that took practically all his free time. The blond thought it was unbelievable to have his friend so close by and yet he never experienced this kind of distance between them. Since children, they had a very strong bond and were always together having fun. Thor missed the countless hours they shared laughing at any silly subject they would chose to talk about. But lately, when he attempted a conversation, Loki reacted irritated most of the time. He wondered if sharing the apartment together was the actual problem. That the closeness would create a division instead of a stronger connection.

"Do you think it was a bad idea to live together?" Thor wondered out loud. Loki stilled, straightened his back and looked at him clearly surprised.

"Why would I think such a thing? You're my best friend! I doubt I would want to share a house with anybody else." Loki retorted with an annoyed but obvious tone.

"Then why are you angry with me all the time?"

"I'm not angry with you all the time."

"Yes you are. You are always pissed up with me, just like right now!" Thor insisted and Loki remained silent for some moments, staring at this friend with a thoughtful expression.

He had not realized that he had been quite hostile lately with the blond. How could he not? He had to endure daily Thor's constant praising about dear sweet Jane. The teenager realized he had been acting stupidly jealous and envious. He had to be more careful and less obvious. It was a miracle Thor or one of his friends hadn't drawn that conclusion yet. But when the blond wasn't talking about the girl he was bragging about his talents and looks. Loki had been feeling invisible and forgotten the last weeks and it hurt as much as it angered him. It was only after they had their serious talk about Thor's unintentional distance that the blond finally tried to make time for him. And for his greatest frustration, Thor's epiphany happened during his busiest week, when all teachers seemed to plot together and give simultaneously short-term assignments. As a result, he became short-tempered. Loki bit his under lip.

"Well excuse me if I'm not always all smiles and sunshine." The raven-haired teenager said in an over-dramatic nonchalant way, so Thor knew he was in a playful mood. "This study is very demanding and I do tend to lose my patience rather easily when I'm under pressure."

Loki smiled at the way Thor shifted on the couch to look better at him and his face beamed in happiness. It warmed his heart that, despite his best friend's non-correspondence to his feelings, Thor valued their friendship immensely. Truly, the sophomore was radiant with his answer. Loki could never dream of much the blond was both relieved and happy to know nothing was wrong between them.

"That's because you're a perfectionist! It takes ages before you're satisfied with anything you make!" Thor pointed out in an amused chuckle. "Take a break and come with me this weekend." Loki looked at Thor's bright blue eyes, his sweet smile and almost gave in. But the thought of going to his parent's home made him feel so nervous, his insides turned from distress.

"I really would like to, but I need to finish this project." He sorrowfully said while he pointed at his drawing. "It has to be ready by Tuesday." Thor looked genuinely disappointed and it broke Loki's heart. The blond turned his gaze to the television and missed the flash of regret and sorrow in Loki's face. The freshman almost gave into his feelings for Thor. But the sickness in his belly and the waves of nerves that traveled through his body at the mere thought of seeing his father were stronger than him. So, instead, he forced his mind to focus only in the drawing and forget the rest of the world.

…

Thor was furious. He had just learned from Fandral that Loki had spent practically all Sunday together with him, Sif and Captain. And apparently Loki had also participated in another one of those stupid college parties the freshman adored, so he could sow mischief and chaos, if not to get drunk or drugged or get laid with some stranger. It drove him mad to no extend.

Thor was convinced now that Loki had used the project as an excuse not to go with him to their hometown. The idea Loki had lied to avoid him and chosen to be with other friends instead of him hurt insanely. Jane and Fandral had been taken aback with Thor's thunderous look in his eyes. He had stomped away infuriated, searching for Loki and grew the more angry and frustrated when he couldn't find the little trickster. So that day, as soon as classes were over, he headed to the apartment and waited impatiently for the teenager's return.

Loki arrived about an hour and a half after Thor and froze at the doorstep when he saw his friend sitting on the kitchen chair with his arms crossed, facing him with a murderous look on his face. He pondered if he should leave the door open for an escape because he had the unpleasant feeling the other wanted to hit him. He had experienced Thor's fists in the past (when Loki teased his friend so much that Thor completely lost his mind) and was the least interested in having a new encounter with them.

"Is something wrong?" Loki cautiously asked while he gently shut the door behind him. He still could make a quick escape if it was necessary.

"You lied to me!"

"I did?"

"Fandral told me about you going to that shitty party and then spending the Sunday with him and the others!" Thor yelled outraged. Loki's heart jolted in his chest from fear and anger at Thor's irate tone, having the feeling he grew pale and red at the same time.

"What has that to do with you?" He poisonously asked and Thor stood up. The raven-haired man took a step back and for a fraction of a second, his face denounced fear.

"I thought you couldn't spend the weekend away because of a project!"

"I worked faster than I calculated, you oaf! I practically finished it on Saturday!" Loki shouted back as anger started to build up in his chest. He couldn't believe Thor was controlling him, was invading his private life this manner. "Besides, I own you no justification! What I do in my free time and with who I hang is none of your concern!"

"Oh really? You have been doing nothing but avoid me and being pissed with me for no reason! You keep making up lies so you don't have to spent time with me! Don't I have the right to know why?"

"That's bullshit! You're just being stupid and paranoid! You don't hear me complaining about all the times you are away so you can be with dear sweet Jane!" Loki furiously spat.

Loki had just spoken these words when his eyes widened of fright. Thor took a few steps closer, looking the more infuriated. The freshman instinctively took a few steps backwards, until he hit the door behind him. His heart raced unhealthily under his chest as Thor towered him and his blue eyes gaining a dark gray shade that reminded him of stormy clouds. Loki swallowed dry.

Thor looked into the jade eyes and read the fear in them. He had to restrain himself from hitting the slightly shorter man. How dared Loki involve Jane in their fight? What did Jane had to do with them in the first place? Thor froze at his questioning and suddenly it hit him. He suddenly realized. It all made sense if he stopped to think about it. Loki had started giving him the cold shoulder after he started dating Jane. It was so obvious that Thor cursed internally for being so oblivious. Loki was jealous. He was in love with Jane. Thor immediately cooled down at the sudden realization, finally understanding the origin of his friend's hostility. Loki read the change in Thor's eyes and noticed him calm down. He repressed a sigh of relieve.

"Jane." Thor whispered and Loki arched an eyebrow perplexed. "You like Jane. That's why you are so angry with me all the time." An expression of horror and disgust flashed through Loki's face and he angrily shoved Thor away.

"You idiot! It has nothing to do with Jane! It never did!" Loki spat angrily, his clear eyes shining from the fury and this time it was Thor who felt intimidated. "You are incredibly stupidly ridiculous if you think the whole world revolves around _her_!"

The raven-haired man furiously shouted. He remained panting for some moments. And while he breathed in and out, the words he had just shouted started to sink in. A dreadful sensation spread through his body at a horrible realization. He had lost control over his own mind and had let his emotions get the better of him. He had practically denounced himself. He practically admitted he was jealous, not of Jane, but of Thor.

Loki quickly understood the consequences his words would have. Fury was quickly replaced by terror. Sure Thor wasn't one of the smartest people in Earth, but Loki knew the blond would soon draw the right conclusions. It was now a matter of time. The raven-haired young man could feel himself grow pale knowing Thor would put the pieces together and discover his true feelings. Loki felt himself panic. He was sure Thor would be disgusted and outraged at this discovery. He was sure Thor would never want to be friends with him again. Loki could feel his legs tremble at the distressed thoughts that haunted his mind.

Thor saw the horror fill Loki's eyes and became the more confused. Loki had shifted from absolutely outraged to dreadfully petrified. Thor wanted to ask him what was going on. Why was he suddenly so horrified? But he didn't have time to ask. Loki opened and closed his mouth. Looking terribly pale and ashamed, he turned around, opened the door and ran down the stairs.

"Loki! Loki wait!" Thor yelled. He wanted to ask his friend why this had nothing to do with Jane. And he wondered, if it wasn't about Jane, what was it then?

"Just stay away from me!" Loki yelled back while he turned around, before he exited the building and ran down the street.

Thor frowned confused. He was understanding his friend less and less by the day. He knew better than to go after Loki and figured out the young man needed some time to be alone. If only he knew why Loki was acting so annoyingly confusing. His thoughts lingered in Loki's last words during his outburst and remained with an extremely unpleasant feeling in his gut. He still was convinced that it was jealously that led Loki to act so ill-tempered lately. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. But if he wasn't jealous about Jane, who was it then? The unpleasant feeling in the pit of his stomach only grew worse. There was only one person left.

Thor's heart jumped when he heard the entrance door unlock. Loki entered and their gazes met. There was an unsettling and awkward atmosphere. The blond had no idea what to say. Loki felt his blood drain down from his face. The raven-haired man read the confirmation of his fears on his friend's eyes. Thor was suspicious about him. Loki was nervous.

Thor was nervous. If his suspicions were true, then he really wouldn't know how to react in this situation. He feared he wouldn't know how to behave around Loki anymore. He had no idea how badly awkward things would become between them. This would change everything. Thor watched as Loki entered the living room, his fingers fidgeting with his shirt.

Loki licked his dry lips. He needed to save their friendship. There was only one possible way out.

"I wanted to apologize for earlier." Loki started and stared timidly at Thor. "Actually I wanted to apologize for my bad mood recently. It-It has nothing to do with you or Jane, really."

Thor almost sighed. There was a bit of relieve that came with Loki's words, but he couldn't shake off the worry that had installed in his heart. If it wasn't a problem of jealously, what was it then? And then Loki continued. "I…After I went to Stark's party…Some stupid journalist recognized me and placed a photo of Stark and me and Miss Pepper when we were talking…Of course my mother had to buy the damn newspaper and then – and then she of course showed it to my father and he – he called me and he was – he was really pissed off with me and – and I…"Loki chocked and nervously put his hand in front of his mouth to muff a sob.

He was shocked with how painful it was to talk about something so ordinary like a fight between father and son. He was shocked with how painful it was to verbalize the whole incident, never expecting this would hurt so much. It was like if he vocalized, the conflict between his father and him became more real. He almost winced when the blond rested his hand on the crook of his neck.

"I'm sorry. I had no idea." Thor honestly said, his eyes filled with care, concern and understanding.

It was obvious Loki was telling him the truth. The anxiety in the green eyes were so evident to the point of watering, which was a rare thing to happen to his friend. Thor could tell it had been an awful fight, because it was very seldom when Loki would become this disturbed. Usually he just shook off his parent's reprimands and dismissed them, considering them insignificant. But this time, whatever Laufey said, it had had a great impact. Loki was shaking.

The blond locked his gaze with Loki's and gave him a reassuring smile. He needed his friend to understand he was there for him. He wanted to care and protect him. "Look. I'm not controlling you or following any instructions from your parents, if that's what you were thinking all this time. I just miss our companionship."

"I'm a fool." Loki said in a chuckle and Thor could see he was fighting the tears back. "I don't want to fight with you either."

At these words, Thor's thumb caressed Loki's skin under his jawline and the younger man smiled painfully. The blond smiled compassionately and gave his friend a hug. Loki's breath came out in a choke, repressing a shaky sob. How bittersweet this embrace was. He closed his eyes for just a second and breathed in Thor's natural scent. He felt loved and cared, but most of all, he felt protected. Thor had no idea how this one-sided love was torturing him. Loki felt like he got to take small tastes of little affective moments like now, and then needed desperately to feed on them, because he never knew when he would taste them again. Because he knew Thor would never be his. The blond had no idea of how it killed him, to hold him so close. And if it was up to him, he would never know.

Loki had told the truth. But it was only a very small portion of the whole truth. Thor would never dream of how this kind of fights with his father were far from being a novelty. Thor had no idea how things actually were in his family. Because the black-haired teenager had succeeded in hiding his problems at home from his friend. He had managed to keep it secret for many years already. And he would keep it secret for many more. Loki needed Thor not to know. He needed Thor to be happy and cheerful around him. Because when Thor was happy, Loki was happy. He would feel strong and forget about his parents, about his troubles, about his depressive thoughts. He was sure if the blond would know the whole truth, he would behave more than compassionate. Thor would suffer with him alongside because he would be worried sick with his best friend. And Loki was sure this would tear him apart.

Loki had told a small truth. It was a glimpse of a dark secret to hide an even greater secret. He had told this truth so Thor would never come to the conclusion he was desperately in love with him. Because Loki knew the sphere around them would become unbearably awkward. Their friendship would change. Their friendship could die. And that would destroy him completely.

Loki was making sure, from now on, he would act like he always did before college. He would have to learn to live with his bitter jealously. Be always kind and cheerful towards Jane. And hide his true feelings for Thor from the world.

…

That night Thor could not sleep. His thoughts kept whirling around Loki. It made sense his friend had fought with his parents. It would not be the first time. After all, Loki loved to defy them but his rebellious behavior had always consequences. No. What kept Thor awake was an entire other matter. He couldn't sleep because when he had weighted the possibility of Loki being attracted to him in a romantic manner, it had not shocked or disturbed him as much as it should. Just like he could not shake off the unpleasant feeling of disappointment when Loki had refuted his theory completely. Thor's heartbeat raced uncontrollably. Because Thor was now confused about his own feelings and perceptions surrounding Loki.


	13. Confused

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or its characters

Thor woke up from his alarm clock. It had been a long and horrifying night. The blond was feeling more tormented by the passing hour. He had no idea why it happened, but his manner of perceiving the younger man changed radically since the moment he put the possibility of Loki being attracted to him. He barely slept, for his rest was tormented by fragmenting confusing dreams, in which he was pretty sure Loki played an important role in them.

He got up, took a quick cold shower, got dressed and went to the kitchen to drink a glass of water. He froze when a very sleepy looking Loki entered the division, greeting him in an illegible tongue and sat down with his eyes closed. Thor's body and mind were immediately plagued by his best friend's presence. He tried to distract himself by making coffee. He placed a mug and a plate with two toasts in front of Loki, while his heart jumped inside his chest. Thor seemed to have become unexplainably oversensitive about everything surrounding the teenager. His voice, his scent, his movements, his breathing. The blond sat down silently and spread butter on his bread, while glancing once in a while at his best friend and newest object of vicious longing.

Thor was losing himself in Loki in a manner he never did with anybody else. His eyes lingered on the perfect contours of the creamy shirtless chest and cold chills burned under his skin. He wondered how it felt to intertwine his fingers around those messy dark locks and his fingers tingled. He wondered how Loki's skin smelled, his beautiful immaculate skin free from the guyliner and his heart bounced. He wondered how Loki's lips tasted when he lazily sipped the warm coffee and he felt hungry. He could understand none of his sudden urges and desires. Just like he could not understand why Loki's hoarse sleepily voice sent electrifying waves through his limbs.

Breakfast was silent and the repetition of every other breakfast they shared. After asking for the time, like he usually does, Loki exited the kitchen to get himself ready, leaving Thor behind chewing in his newest tormenting urges.

Thor questioned himself why. There was nothing unusual about Loki. He wasn't different than from any other day. There was nothing new in his behavior or manners. Thor knew nothing had changed. Nothing but himself. The blond knew it was all in his mind. It was all in his head. So what did this mean? This was the first time he felt attracted to a man in a very physical way. Thor wondered if this new feeling was limited to Loki alone, or to men in general. So he tried to picture some of his recent fantasies for Loki with his other male friends. Fandral – laughable, Volgstagg – disgusting, Hogun – overly awkward, Steve Rogers – scary, Bruce Banner – nauseating. He imagined Loki whispering seductive words to him, his breath teasing his skin while he purred obscenities in his ear and his veins boiled under his skin. The memory of Loki in Fandral's bathroom with an unknown girl, the look in his eyes, the gasp of pleasure escaping his lips returned to Thor like a taunting vision and his pants became tight.

Thor cursed internally. He could only conclude one thing: he was solely tormented by Loki. And why he did not know. He always had adored Loki since small children. He always had let himself drown in Loki's wide happy smile. He always had loved the way Loki's jade eyes glinted when he was excited. He always had found Loki's laughter the world's most melodic sound. He always had let himself lose in Loki's rare hugs and relish the small trembling his body produced when he giggled. All these things always made him all fuzzy and warm and happy inside. But never did they create the tightness between his legs.

"Are you coming?" Thor flinched at the voice that broke his distressing thoughts and stared wide-eyed at his best friend, who was standing opposite the kitchen table.

"What?!" The blond asked feeling all the blood go up to his face, not sure he had heard properly. Loki's eyebrow arched.

"Are you coming?" Loki repeated his question impatiently. "I do not have all day, you know."

Thor blinked a few times until the real meaning of Loki's words finally sunk in. It was Monday, of course! They always walked together to campus. Thor was so lost in his worrisome erratic thoughts about his own sexuality and about Loki that he totally had lost track of reality. Worse of all, he had quite a lump under his jeans. The moment he would stand up, Loki would certainly see it.

"Y-Yes. Ehm, but I have to go and pee first." Thor sheepishly said and Loki rolled his eyes.

"Fine, go pee then." The raven-haired man said in an annoyed tone and turned to pick his coat.

The moment the teenager turned his back, Thor made a run to the bathroom. He quickly unzipped his pants and sighed desperately. This was bad. His erection was huge, the head already red and begging for release. The blond only had one option. He stood in front of the toilet and started stroking his long length. The bathroom was still warm and steamy from the shower Loki had taken minutes ago. The scent of Loki's shampoo was still lingering in the air. He closed his eyes and imagined Loki under the running hot water.

Thick drops drew the lines of the creamy back. White foam travelled down the flat belly and descended long perfect limbs. Loki's hair was soaked under the running water, his head back, his neck exposed. In this daydream, Thor joined Loki in the shower and placed his large hands on the small hips. His lips met the crook of Loki's neck and traveled his skin, searching the man's teasing mouth. They kissed. He could just imagine how Loki tasted. Sweet and cruel. He could feel his slippery tongue brush against his. A gentle and pleasant kiss, filled with care and not so much lust. Loki's shampoo scent filled his nostrils, the air was still heavy and warm. A soft gasp escaped lips.

With a chocked moan, Thor came undone and watched sickened as the white liquid slowly sunk in the toilet's water. He was disgusted by himself. This was the first time Thor pleased himself thinking about a man. Thinking about Loki. He felt dirty and washed his hands with soap frenetically.

"Have you sunken down the toilet? I am not going to be late because of you!" Loki yelled from the kitchen. Thor repressed an irritated groan.

"Just washing my hands!" He yelled back. He dried his hands nervously and walked out the bathroom.

"That's about time." Loki said, while he uncrossed his arms. Thor did not have the courage to look at his best friend's face for many reasons. From shame and embarrassment, from fear of getting excited all over again, from fear his friend would read on his face what was going on. "Are you okay? You're all flushed." The raven-haired man asked, noticing the color on the blond's face. His fingertips brushed without warning the skin of Thor's temple. The blond shifted abruptly and glared wildly at Loki for some moments. The freshman seemed to be a bit taken aback by the sudden move and dangerous stare but remained his composure. "You are sweating." Loki bluntly said.

"So what?" Thor angrily asked and Loki's eyebrow curved upwards.

"Not even asking. Not wanting to know."

…

Thor managed to avoid Loki the whole day (it was easy, going by how busy both their agendas were), but it was a short cruel break of torment, because the nightmare started all over again the next morning. There he stood again, Loki in all his glory. More asleep than anything else, his naked chest exposed and his curly locks untidy. His image screamed natural beauty, wild temptation and merciless sin. Like every morning, Thor placed a mug with coffee and a plate with two toasts in front of Loki. He sat on his chair and forced his breakfast down, while he glanced too often and too long at his irresistible sleepy friend.

The sophomore found himself staring at Loki's features closely. He studied the details of his face, tracing each line and reached the conclusion there resided an unusual beauty in the raven-haired man. His frail structure made him look vulnerable in a pleasant manner. Every gesture, as absentminded as it could be in the early hours of the morning, was gracious and even elegant. Thor was surprised to realize, these were characteristics he easily associated to women, but in the case of Loki, they unexpectedly emphasized his masculinity. It was not that he never had noticed the teenager was good-looking, buy the contrary, he always thought there was something fascinatedly exotic about the younger man. Only he never contemplated it in a romantic or even physical level. Just like he always enjoyed certain manners and ways of the freshman, but never realized how he absolutely adored them, until he stopped to think about them.

And then Loki asked for the time. His voice, hoarse but always melodic. Thor always adored Loki's voice and knew he could listen to it for hours and hours without getting bored. He told him the time and Loki walked away to the shower. The more Thor thought about Loki, the more he feared he was more than attracted to his best friend. He shook these confusing thoughts away, fearing the repetition of the previous day. He told himself it was all in his head, but the strange feeling in his belly refused to disappear. It made him feel both embarrassed and guilty towards Loki and Jane, because he was having improper thoughts about the first and cheating the latter with his dirty mind. Or at least, that was what he believed.

They headed to campus together. This time Thor felt nothing more than a maddening tingling between his legs. They walked together and Thor only half listened his best friend telling him something about Thanksgiving and his older brother Helblindi. Thor was doing his best to control the arousing sensation in his crouch and as soon as Loki disappeared from his sight, he entered the first restroom he found. A few tears escaped his eyes when he reached his climax, after imaging himself pounding Loki mercilessly against the tiled wall. He was mortified by his own perverted thoughts. Thor wished this was nothing but some kind of strange phase he was going through. He needed a distraction to put his mind away from Loki. He felt sick and vile. He was texting Jane, inviting her for dinner tonight, just after he orgasmed thinking of Loki.

…

Thor arrived home late after his romantic date. He and Jane had never been this happy before. The blond was sure it had been their most romantic and intimate diner until the date. Thor gave the woman extra attention and made questions to answers he knew he wouldn't understand. He needed to see the woman beam of excitement as she talked about wormholes, general relativity, energy density and other strange words he had no idea what their meaning were. Thor held her close and kissed her every time it was possible. He fed his heart with Jane's beautiful and blissful smile, making it swell with love for the woman. They walked down the street holding hands and reached her house. There they paid farewell, because Darcy was at home.

Tonight it had had been, in Thor's eyes, the reaffirmation of his relationship with Jane. It had been the confirmation of his sexuality. Tonight had cleansed all the doubts and uncertainties that had plagued his mind during the last two days.

While Thor walked back home, he smiled. He and Jane were truly in love. He was convinced they were really meant for each other. All the earlier abnormal interrogations had melted away and he felt calm again. During this evening, Thor had managed to push all his unnatural thoughts about Loki to the back of his mind. He was now sure he had just mixed up his brotherly love for the younger man with sexuality. He was confident, once he returned home he would look at Loki the same way he always had. As his best friend and nothing more.

The blond entered the apartment and immediately heard the sound of the television set, so he walked to the living room. Loki was asleep, lying on the couch. Thor's heart jolted of despair. All the mixed feelings he had succeeded to push away during the evening returned with such an intensity, it felt as if they never had left. Loki's peaceful face was an ode to beauty. The blond was sure that if the teenager was a Greek god he would certainly be Adonis or Apollo.

An overwhelming feeling of adoration filled Thor's heart and he felt compelled to walk to the couch and sit near his friend's feet. Thor lost the notion of time as he simply sat there, watching the television´s light reflected on Loki's face. Without thinking, he moved a black curly lock away from his face and the teenager winced slightly. He opened his eyes surprised and Thor felt his heart melt at the soft smile he received. His fingers remained connected with younger man's face.

"What time is it?" Loki asked with a lazy hoarse voice, making his best friend smile adorably at the sound. The blond moved his hand away and looked at his watch.

"It's just over half-past twelve."

"Ouh…I fell asleep." Loki said in a complaining tone as he looked at the TV. "The movie is already in the end. What a bummer." Thor chuckled at his friend's pout, so that Loki redirected his gaze to him. "Where have you been?"

"I had dinner with Jane." Thor gently said while he fought the urge to caress Loki's face.

"I bet you had a lovely time." Loki kindly whispered while he smiled. Yet Thor would swear his eyes were sad. Or was that the way the TV's artificial light played with his eyes?

"What about you?" Thor calmly asked and was surprised with how soft his voice sounded. Loki shifted his head a bit and his eyebrow arched almost warily.

"You sound concerned. Do you pity me for not having found true love like you?" The raven-haired man asked in a sardonic tone. His heart contracted at the knowledge that Thor had only eyes and ears for Jane. Loki was now sure, more than ever, that what he ever dreamed about Thor would always remain that. A dream and nothing more.

"I don't know if I found true love." Thor confessed almost depressed and Loki looked surprised and a bit confused at him. "And it's not pity. It's compassion." He quickly added.

"Aren't the two one and all the same?" Loki bitterly questioned, the sweet loving look in the blue eyes consuming his soul. How he desperately wanted to wrap his arms around Thor, kiss his young lips and tell him he loved him. How much he wanted to tell him how badly he needed him. To tell him that Thor was his sunshine, his happiness, his safe harbor. But he couldn't. Thor loved Jane. He would never love him. Not that way at least. And that was that.

"No it's not." Thor broke Loki's depressed chain of thoughts. The sophomore may not understand why he kept having alien thoughts about his best friend but he knew he cared for Loki. He was worried with him because lately a shadow of sadness hung over the teenager and he noticed the worrisome weight loss. All Thor wanted was to see his best friend happy again. He would do anything just to see Loki smile. The raven-haired man looked at him perplexed from the answer, but also sensing something strange in the air.

"Oh, really? Then please, do enlighten me." Loki arrogantly said and Thor's smiled grew softer, if that was even possible. Loki stared at his friend stunned. He could not remember ever seeing him smile at him this manner. Something was off. Something was very off and all his senses suddenly sharpened. And then Thor gave him an answer he did not expect to hear.

"Pity is when you feel sorry for somebody. Compassion is when you have understanding for somebody's suffering while you care for that somebody."

Loki stared at Thor with widened eyes. His heart pounded wildly under his chest. His ears were tingling at his best friend's words. That was the sweetest thing the blond had ever told him and Loki had to use all his will not to kiss his best friend. Instead he remained frozen, lying on the couch, staring at his object of longing with a bouncing heart. And then he realized. He needed to come up with a clever answer, a witty comeback. The raven-haired man chuckled.

"You became quite the master in word-weaving!" Loki said in a joking tone, while his heart bounced painfully. And he wondered, how long would he endure this kind of torture?

"I'm serious, Loki. There has been this sadness around you lately. Is it because of your parents?" The blond asked and he witnessed several emotions flash through the green eyes. Shock, fear, vulnerability and anger.

"I don't want to talk about it." Loki quickly said while he shifted to get up. He didn't want this. He didn't want to talk about his parents. It was bad enough Helblindi had already confirmed he was coming for Thanksgiving, so he didn't have the heart to make up excuses not to visit his parents this time. His stomach sunk and his heart panged at the mere thought of home.

"Loki, please. You can talk with me." Thor begged. "Am I not your friend? Friendship is not only about having fun, but is also about trusting the other to confine problems."

"Thor, you are my best friend and I trust you more than anybody else. I just…I just can't!" Loki stammered nervously, his eyes reflecting repressed pain and Thor grew even more concerned. He was about to open his mouth to try to continue to persuade him but Loki gestured him to stop. "Friendship is about respecting the other's space too. Please. Do not push on the matter. Just let it be."

Before Thor could react, Loki got up and walked out the living room. The sophomore sighed heavily when he heard the teenager close his bedroom door. He was shutting him away. All Thor wanted was to help him and make him feel better. But all Loki did was push him away and Thor felt the distance between them grow. The blond knew there was something bad going on with Loki. He had already noticed a change in Loki before his errant thoughts about the younger man.

It started when he wanted to figure out what Loki and Natasha were communicating in their wordless conversations. Then he noticed the concerning melancholy in the jade gaze. They were short-lived, brief glimpses of a deep rooted sorrow. A sadness that was easily wiped out with a smile and a joke. Thor wondered how long his friend was like this. Because only lately had he started watching the freshman closely. It worried him greatly that Loki was becoming thinner as he skipped too many meals. Just like he grew concerned with the fact the freshman was often tired. And despite the many hours Loki slept, he seemed to be exhausted most of the days. The more Thor studied the emotions in the green eyes, the more alarmed he grew. He was more and more convinced it had to do with the Frost family. An unsettling feeling rested in the pit of his stomach. Thor wondered. Had Loki's family problem deeper roots than he hoped?

The blond looked at the television. A woman screamed as strange humanlike creatures headed to her. Of course Loki was watching a horror movie. How he managed to relax enough to fall asleep and didn't wake up from all the screaming was a mystery to him. Just like many things were a mystery to him. Jane's world of astrophysics, Loki's behavior, his own very confused thoughts. If Thor had been certain about anything in the end of this evening, he was now uncertain about everything. About his love for Jane, about his friendship with Loki, above all, about himself.


	14. Hauting and tauting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

The sun rose weak and pale, autumn living its highest peak before welcoming winter. Thor made breakfast as usual and the two men ate in a solemn silence. Only, today the tension was palpable as none of them had forgotten about their small discussion. Thor was even tenser, because he was again plagued with Loki's semi-nude look. His eyes lingered too long and too hungrily on his newest object of desire. As for Loki, despite his somnolent state, he was on his guard, prepared to hinder any attempt of Thor in picking on their unfinished topic. It was then that he noticed something strange. Blue eyes rested on him fixedly in an unfamiliar manner. He glared back annoyed, but Thor did not notice, and therefore, continued staring for a long while. Loki was perplexed. When Thor finally realized the jade gaze was on him, his expression became one of sheer embarrassment and immediately lowered his eyes, giving an abnormal attention to his toast.

Loki quickly came out of his sleepy state. He became mystified and curious. Were Thor's cheeks becoming red? Loki's heart bounced from frightening hope, wishing he wasn't envisioning things. He sipped his coffee without taking his eyes of Thor. After a while, the blond lifted his gaze again but dropped it when he saw Loki staring at him. The raven-haired man could see in the way Thor's shoulders, arms and grip around the bread were highly tensed. His face was flushed and Loki would swear Thor was trying to control his breathing. A malicious grin spread in the teenager's face, when he finished his coffee.

He purposely released a deep sigh, while his fingers slowly pulled some of his messy strands back. Thor lifted his eyes at the sound and Loki grinned while he stretched lazily his arms fully in the air with a fake sleepy groan. He stretched his body a little while longer than necessary, fully exposing his chest and arching his back only slightly. He dropped his arms limb to his side, feigning drowsiness and looked at Thor under his eyelashes. The blond had his eyes a bit widened, his whole face was tense and his grip around the mug was strong enough to shatter it. Loki smiled in wonder.

"What time is it, Thor?" He asked in a lazy hoarse tone while he brushed some hair away from his face.

The blond took a few seconds too much to react before he stared at the watch and gave him the answer, without looking at him. He missed the victorious glint in Loki's eyes before he stood up to take a shower.

…

If Thor felt the last few days plagued by his unholy fantasies, now he was pretty sure Loki was destined to haunt him. During their walk to college, Loki tripped and would have fallen on his face if Thor hadn't caught him on time. The blond's heart raced at the sudden closeness and the way his friend supported his weight against his chest. Loki giggled something about being clumsy, while he straightened up, his hand still supporting on his arm. Thor felt marked by that hand, for his skin burned under the short touch and remained many minutes after Loki had released him.

The sophomore almost cursed when, just before lunch, Fandral and Loki very coincidently crossed paths with him. He had no choice but to join them for lunch and almost freaked out when he realized it would be only the three of them. Loki sat next to him as usual, his leg and foot brushing ghostly against him when he laughed amused. And then Loki was telling him something about Tony Stark's latest's stunt during class while eating yogurt. Thor had to restrain himself from staring at the way Loki's lips worked the spoon in a too visually suggestive way. He was glad Fandral was the merry person he was, so he could hide his embarrassed blush behind his faked laugher.

In the afternoon, Thor almost despaired when Jane told him she would be a long-weekend away to assist in a conference and was leaving on Thursday evening. Thor was mortified with himself when he realized he was upset his girlfriend was going to be away only because he now had no way of escaping Loki's company. In the evening, Thor lost his appetite completely when Loki told him he was not hungry because he had just returned from Starbucks where he had spent a couple hours with the company of some girl that had flirted with him in the hallway.

Thursday morning was the continuation of Thor's sexual tormenting. He woke up hard after having an erotic dream with Loki. All his senses were tingling and he took a cold shower, while he forced his body to release its accumulated tension. When he entered the kitchen, Loki was already seated, his head lying on the table between his arms. The younger man uttered something indecipherable and lifted his head, his eyes blinking from sleep. Thor dared to look at his friend when he gave him the coffee and bread, and was worried with the pale color and dark rings under his eyes.

"Have you been having problems sleeping, lately?" Thor asked while he sat. He needed to talk. Silence only gave him more space to think about how Loki looked hot in his sleepy state. His friend looked at him drowsy.

"Actually, I've been sleeping really a lot." Loki confessed after long seconds of brain proceeding. He picked up his mug and took a sip of his coffee. "I've been having this really deep sleep."

"But you wake up tired, don't you?" It was more an affirmation than a question. Loki looked a bit thoughtful. His look was suddenly fragile. He looked frightened and sad at the same time and Thor's heart sunk.

"Do you think I'm sick?" Loki asked, with such a vulnerability in his voice that Thor almost didn't recognize his best friend.

"I don't think so. I have noticed that you are eating less lately and you're losing weight. Your body will get vulnerable from that, if it is not already. You need to eat more, healthier and stop skipping meals." Thor said and Loki's fragility quickly transformed into rage. Knowing how his best friend was, the blond continued before Loki had the chance to retort. "I know what I am talking about. This is basic information for anybody that does sports. And I am not controlling you, if that's what you are thinking. I've told you before, Loki. I care for you and I worry with you."

"I'm going to shower." Loki said in a dark tone and was about to stand up, when a pair of strong hands pulled him back down on the chair.

"Haven't you heard anything I've told you? You are not leaving this table without finishing breakfast."

"And you dare to declare you are not controlling me?!"

"It's for your own good and you know it, you stubborn fool!" Thor in a calm but reprimand tone. "Or should I call Helblindi?" The blond did not enjoy to black mail his friend, but if Loki wouldn't listen to him, he would have to listen to his brother, the doctor. It worked for the raven-haired man glared at him but straightened his back and took a bit of his toast looking pissed off.

"Loki, please just understand. I don't want anything bad to happen to you." Thor said in a sigh and Loki's eyes softened at his words. He ate his breakfast more calmly while he fought the urge to swing his arms around his protective friend. When he finished, he stretched himself like a cat and then looked at Thor with a grin.

"May I take a shower now, mommy?"

"Get out of here!" Thor said in a teasing way, melting in that naughty expression he so much adored.

He watched Loki leave the kitchen and would have sworn his hips bounced more than normal. He was pretty sure he was imagining things. He swore, if Loki stretched himself like that again, he would jump on him and lick that tempting gorgeous neck of his.

…

Thor had no idea what was going on with Loki, but he kept tripping over stuff or crashing against him under muffed curses and apologies. At a certain point, Thor was holding Loki by his underarm to give him some support and the teenager finally found back his balance when they were close to campus.

"Well, I guess I'll see you at lunch." Loki said before they departed in separate ways.

"And makes you think that." Thor said in a mix of amusement and grim. He wanted Loki's company but feared it at the same time.

"How else will you know if I ate my meal or not?" Loki nonchalantly asked and Thor crossed his arms. He automatically knew Loki wouldn't eat if Thor wouldn't lunch with him, because he was officially defying him.

"I'll see you in lunch, then." Thor said and Loki smiled triumphantly.

…

Thor was just leaving his class when he received a text message. He read it and his heart jolted while his stomach sunk at the same time.

_If you want to control my eating pattern, I suggest you come and join me now._

He cursed because all his friends were still in class with the exception of Sif. He turned to her with hope.

"I'm having lunch now with Loki. Want to join us?"

"I'm sorry, Thor. But I have some matters to treat at the association. I'll be lunching with the _warriors three_."

This was the nickname she gave Fandral, Volgstagg and Hogun because they were inseparable and always bragging about their fighting skills. Thor nodded in understanding, knowing Sif was this year responsible for the recruitment and guidance of new members in their sport association, so she often had to attend meetings or treat more administrative tasks. It was with some apprehension he walked to the cafeteria, because the idea of having lunch with Loki made him nervous. He already could see his friend at the entrance of the building and saw he was talking with a girl. A nauseating sensation of jealously flooded his veins, as he imagined it was the girl Loki had talked about in the previous day. Loki and the girl paid goodbye with a kiss on the cheek and Thor shoot daggers and the young woman.

"Hey." Loki cheerfully greeted when Thor reached him, his incensing gaze still on the girl.

"Is that the Starbucks girl?" Thor asked, without greeting. He missed the way Loki's eyes glinted at his question.

"Yes. Amora. Isn't she hot?" Loki said with a mischievous hungry tone that left no room for doubts. Thor already knew his friend was figuring a way to make out with this girl. "Isn't Sif joining us?"

"No. She's busy. And the others are still in class."

"Hum. So it's only you and me. It will be awkward, for I cannot remember the last time I had lunch with you alone." Loki playfully said, but Thor didn't miss the accusing tone and the poison in his words. He chose to ignore his friend's bitter words and followed the raven-haired man inside.

"So, Thor." Loki said after he swallowed some food. "Do you have any plans for tonight?" Thor looked up at Loki, the spaghetti hanging on his lips and then he sucked it noisy and swallowed quickly. Was Loki asking him out in a date or was he imagining things. His friend gave him an irritated look. "That was unnecessarily disgusting!"

"S-Sorry." Thor apologized and wiped his mouth with the napkin. "May I ask what you have in store?" He stoically asked, while his belly contorted from nerves.

"Well, there's going to be this big birthday party from some rich guy and Amora is going to be there." Loki almost whispered and Thor strangely felt his heart turn into ash. He stared with an annoyed expression.

"So, what do I have to do with it?"

"I don't want to go alone! It would be too obvious!" Loki clarified with an almost shocked expression. "Come on, Thor. Just this one time. Bring Jane with you, if you want."

"Jane is not going to be here. She's away for a long weekend for some conference thing."

"Oh." Loki sounded surprised but suddenly his expression shifted to excited. "But that is just perfect, Thor! Nothing is keeping you behind!"

"You know very well I'm not found of that kind of crazy parties."

"Oh, come on! Just this once, Thor!" Loki said in a pleading winning tone he knew always worked on the blond.

"Why? So you can bang some bitch you hardly met?"

"Shit, you are really the worst friend there is, aren't you?" Loki said in a mix of anger and hurt. Thor closed his mouth looking guilty. "I'm not some kind of depraved pervert or whatever you think I am! I could actually like her!" Loki threw his napkin on the table in an indication he had lost his appetite. Thor's alarms went on. "You know, it was the least you could do, since it's thanks to _me_ that you found _your_ lovely girlfriend!" Loki said in a shaky breath and stood up. He froze when Thor stood up too and grabbed his fist.

"Loki, please stay." Thor calmly said and saw some of his friend's anger subside. The blond sighed. "Look, I'm sorry. It was rude and selfish of me to say those things to you. I will go to that dawn party if it's what makes you happy." Loki's face became softer and his eyes shone beautifully. He smiled a small smile and gently sat back on his chair.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now finish up you lunch, will you?" Thor tiredly said.

He had the feeling he was going to hate this party. Little did he know, Loki had completely other plans for him in store.


	15. The party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marver or its characters

Thor couldn't take his eyes from Loki. His blue gaze followed obsessively the dancing figure of the dark-haired teenager. Loki had merged with the mass of man and women moving their bodies to the sound of the too loud music. Loki moved his body in synchronization with the maddening hard beat, his eyes closed, his hips balancing teasingly, a small smile hanging between his slightly departed lips. Thor took a long sip from his beer can. Loki was the perfect image of temptation. He looked away when Loki opened his eyes. There was no telling if the raven-haired man had noticed him staring, but Thor could feel the green eyes piercing the back of his head.

Thor cursed internally, still trying to figure out how the other man had persuaded him to come along to this party. Amora was nowhere to be seen and Loki didn't even seem disappointed. When they arrived, the teenager immediately got two shots and happily told Thor to have some fun. Loki, of course, followed his own advice and the blond stayed with the weird lingering sensation that Loki had somehow planned this out. He sighed and drank some more beer.

They were in whoever's house, eating and drinking whoever paid for the food and beverage, participating in a wild party organized by who-knows-who. Thor of course knew all of this mattered not. A great deal of the college's population was there partying like there was nothing else in this world. They called it socializing. But everybody knew people came only to gossip, pick up fights, smoke weed, drink till they collapsed, flirt and fuck with strangers. Thor had been often enough in these kind of parties. Usually it was Fandral that brought him and the rest of his friends to such an event, but today they weren't here.

His eyes returned to the entranced crowd dancing in what's supposed to be the living room and failed in avoiding locking his gaze with Loki's. Green stared intently on blue and Thor gulped as the raven-haired man continued dancing his hypnotizing moves, while a malicious grin slowly spread across his features. Their eyes were suddenly disconnected when a girl bumped against Thor. She laughed clumsily while she had her arm wrapped around a second girl who was clearly as drunken as she was.

"Pardon me hot-shot." Her slurry high-pitched voice pierced his ears and the girls' laugher filled his head.

He watched as the two walked away unbalanced, crashing against people and furniture, laughing hysterically at each bump. Only then did he notice how nauseous he felt. The air was filled with smoke and had become heavy. He could discern the smell of pot mingled with nicotine, the air he had been breathing for quite a long while. A wave of dizziness hit him and he bend slightly over. He could feel his legs weaken and thought he would faint there and then. Just when he was about to collapse, he felt a steady pair of hands pull him up.

"Come on, you need some fresh air." The world was a confusing blur of bright colors and loud banging, but he managed to discern Loki's voice in the mist of the noisy surrounding. He felt an arm wrap around his chest and help him lift up. "You look like shit." Thor saw a pair of rosy lips moving slower than the spoken words. He lifted his eyelids with difficulty and saw Loki's pale features, a hint of concern present in his clear green eyes. "Come on, just lean on me."

Thor's mind was sluggish but he wondered how in hell Loki managed to drag his heavy and slow body through a crowded house, swimming against a current of intoxicated bodies, bumping against faceless men and women. Suddenly he felt a wave of cool air sweep over his face when they were stepping out a door. The loud noise was shut altogether behind the door and Thor welcomed the clean night air. He took a few thankful gasps and slowly oxygen filled his lungs and brains again. He felt strength return to his body and the nausea in his stomach shrink. It took a while for him to realize that, while he had been breathing heavily bended over with his hands resting on his thighs, a warm hand gently pated his back in circle movements. His low-casted eyes directed to his side and he recognized Loki's boots.

"I'm feeling better now. Thank you." Thor said in a sigh of relieve while he stood up again. The warm feeling left his back and was replaced instead with cold.

"Think you can walk home or should I call a cab?" Loki asked in a stoic voice. Thor looked at him and couldn't quite read his expression.

"I- uhm…I prefer to walk." Loki nodded at Thor's answer. He put his hands in his pants pockets and took a few paces towards the street. He halted and turned to face Thor when he didn't follow him. "You can stay in the party, I'm able to walk alone." The blond explained.

"Nonsense." Loki merely stated. "Make haste, its freezing out here."

"I can lend you my coat." Thor offered. Loki stared at him neutrally for some moments.

"I'm okay." Loki calmly dismissed and started walking.

Thor followed him and took a few fastened paces, until he caught up with his friend. He dug his hands in his coat's pockets and looked at Loki. The teenager's gaze was focused in the street and the blond wondered what he was thinking. He didn't look upset at all, but Thor felt a bit guilty for spoiling the evening for Loki. He knew how the other loved those crazy parties.

"I'm sorry." Thor apologized.

"Don't. People get sick all the time." Loki stated it as a fact, his eyes never leaving the street. "Besides, I didn't know anybody there."

Thor nodded and accompanied Loki's fast pacing. He couldn't help but feel a small smile creep up on his face. Loki was leaving the party because of him. Thor was well aware that not knowing anyone was never a problem for Loki. He always had fun dancing and drinking in the mist of anonymous faces. And then the memory of Loki dancing in the middle of that mass of people, staring intently at him, returned to his mind. Thor wondered what that was all about. He was starting to have the feeling the younger man had been subtlety flirting with him during the last days. The clumsy tripping, the lunches, the extra accidental touches, the suggestive gestures, movements and looks. But he wasn't sure. Thor could be misinterpreting everything. But tonight, Thor was pretty sure Loki was dancing for him and have eyes for him alone.

Thor felt uncomfortable. The image of Loki at the party refused to leave his mind. He still saw the way he moved his hips. His pale skin becoming sweaty at the heat created by dozens of dancing bodies chafing against each other. Thor tried desperately to shake the image away, but failed. Loki paced next to him, unaware of the way the blond's mind plagued his body. Thor closed his eyes for seconds, to take a breath, but had to open them right away. The image of slightly departed rosy lips breathing the intoxicating air popped in his mind. Loki smiling devilishly at him without any shame. Green eyes filled with desire, defying him, inviting him. A heat formed in Thor's chest and travelled downwards. It was all Loki's fault. It was bad enough Thor has been questioning his sexuality, questioning his most intimate desires, even questioning his relationship with Jane; but the possibility Loki somehow had read his troubled mind and decided to haunt him the past days was troubling. The blond couldn't really tell what Loki's real intentions were. The young man was a mystery when he wanted. Thor wondered if it was all a just playful teasing flirtation or if the teenager was physically attracted to him. All he could tell was that Loki was having a delightful time in taunting his senses at the party.

Thor and Loki walked in silence. The blond was thankful for that. He needed the peace to get control over his mind, over his body, over his own unfamiliar urges. He needed to get a grip on himself. Because it was a twenty minutes stroll, and by the time they reached the apartment, Thor was already half hard.

"Home, sweet home!" Loki announced while he took out the keys. His hands were so cold, the keys slip from his numb fingers and fell on the floor. "Shit!" He complained in an irritated gasp.

Thor bended over, picked them up and inserted the key in the keyhole while Loki blew warm air against his cold white fingers and rubbed them against each other. The blond opened the door and rested the keys on Loki's hand. Thor immediately regretted this. Not only his heart jolted at the contact with the cold skin, worsening the tightening around his crouch; as Loki's fingers quickly wrapped themselves around his hand. Thor stared for a few seconds at the pale long fingers holding his hand firmly and swallowed dry. He carefully lifted his gaze to meet Loki's. There was that intense look in his eyes again. The desire all present in them. Thor moved his hand to release himself from Loki's grasp, which only tightened. His attempt lacked effort anyway.

Loki held his gaze firm, just like his grasp around Thor's hand. The blond wondered if his eyes were as darkened with lust as the green ones, because the raven-haired man ventured to take a step forward. Thor's private space had just been invaded and he had not budged. All he did was exhale loudly and nervously. He wanted to move away, but his body refused to obey any command. His blood was leaving his brains to concentrate elsewhere, feeding his growing erection. Loki took another step, so now they were breathing the same air. Loki's face was dead serious. His eyes screamed lust. He slowly came closer and finally broke eye contact to cast down his gaze and look at his prize. Thor's heart was bouncing madly, his heartbeat filling his ears, his erection growing tighter under his pants. His mind was screaming to kiss Loki ferociously, to fuck him right there and then. Their lips almost touched and somehow, Thor's sense broke through the wall of temptation and he shoved Loki away.

"Stop with this nonsense!" Thor managed to say in a gasp. He saw the confusion and anger in the other's gaze.

"You fool! You want this as much as I do!" Loki hissed with a sneer but smirked victoriously afterwards. He released Thor's hand, the keys fell on the floor again and, with a bold and unexpected move, grasped Thor's lump between his legs. "Your body speaks louder than your words." He released the blond after a taunting squeeze and walked away, leaving Thor gasping from embarrassment, his face red from anger, shame and lust. Loki walked leisurely into the kitchen and Thor heard water running from the faucet. The raven-haired man returned from the kitchen with a glass of water and drank it empty in one draught. He leaned against the doorway, his body curving beautifully. He smirked confidently. "I've seen the way you look at me lately." Loki whispered. "You want me."

"Stop it! This is madness!" Thor said exasperated. Loki was driving him crazy. With his looks, with his movements, with his voice. Thor was so hard he thought he would explode.

"Is it? What are you afraid of?" Loki wondered out loud. "That you also like men? That you don't fulfill society's requisites for a role-model football star? That you are not in control?"

"I'm not afraid!" Thor yelled and Loki's smile widened maliciously.

"No? So, what is it then?" Loki asked in a challenging tone. He looked at the empty glass with a thoughtful look. "It's a pity, really. And all this time I was anticipating to feel the touch of your lips, the taste of your mouth…"

"Loki, shut up!" Thor commanded, his face both red from anger and excitement.

"Feel the hardness of you cock in my hand, to lick its red head..." Loki continued in a fake innocent tone.

"Loki!" Thor warned. He couldn't believe his ears, that his childhood friend was actually saying those things. Above all, he could not believe those perverted words excited him. Loki smirked maliciously. He knew he was pushing Thor's buttons. If he continued, the blond would lose his temper and fuck him violently. The prospect only aroused him.

"Clearly, your cock wants to be in my ass." Loki said, gesturing with his head at Thor's obvious lump.

It was the final drop. Loki's confident smile vanished the moment Thor stomped dangerously in his direction, the look in his face being a murderous one. The glass fell and shattered on the floor as Thor grabbed Loki by his shoulders and shoved him against the wall. One of the hands travelled to Loki's neck and for moments there was fear in the green eyes. Thor stared at them, bounced slightly back and forward, clearly not knowing if he should punch or kiss the other.

"Oh, the Hell with it!" Thor said and pressed his lips hard against Loki's.

Thor then licked Loki's under lip and pushed up his chin to have better access to his mouth. Loki released a shaky gasp and licked in return, opening his mouth invitingly. Thor's hungry tongue filled his warm cavern, touching and tasting eagerly. A moan escaped Loki's throat, while he wrapped his arms around Thor, pressing him closer. He moved his hips so he could feel Thor's swelling against him and this time it was the blond that released a helpless grunt. While they tongues worked their lips, chin and neck; their hands travelled their bodies, shuffling material, seeking for the skin under it. Their hips moved against each other, stimulating their erections.

They remained a long while, feeding their lust with maddening kisses. Thor's tongue traced Loki's jawline, his teeth nibbled his ear, pulling painfully and playfully some piercings. Loki gasped and moaned at the combination of pain and pleasure. His lips travelled down Thor's neck, planting kisses on his skin, tracing a line of saliva to his collarbone. His long fingers travelled the broad back, until they slip under the t-shirt's material and touched the warm skin under it. They kissed for an eternity, taking breaks to catch some air until Thor, again rested his hand on Loki's neck, forcing him to look up.

"I'm with Jane." He managed to vocalize. He was questioning his morality. He knew this was wrong. He knew he would be cheating the woman he loved. He needed to hear he had to stop.

"She needs not to know." Loki reassured instead, his right hand caressing the line of Thor's face. "No one will ever need to know." He read the uncertainty in Thor's eyes. "There is no compromise. It does not have to mean anything. Just a physical release." Thor knew it was a lie but Loki's false promise seemed to ease off some of the blond's worries.

"Okay. Just a release." Thor whispered back, like if he verbalized those words, it would convince him this was indeed a legitimate thing. He closed his eyes as he relished the soft nibbling Loki was giving on his under lip. "In your bedroom."

 


	16. Sinful night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

Kissing and touching fervently, Thor and Loki clumsily made their way through the hallway and entered the freshman's bedroom. The raven-haired man dropped himself with his back on the bed and switched on the night lamp. Thor climbed and hovered over him. They shared another several kissed and Thor undressed Loki's shirt. His fingertips traced the contours of the skinny chest and the flat belly. He lowered himself and his lips encircled Loki's left nipple, where a ring piercing hung. He carefully caught it between his teeth and pulled it up, stretching the sensitive skin. Loki released a painful moan, while he pulled his head back. The blond teased a while longer, nibbling, kissing and licking Loki's silky skin. The raven-haired man pulled off Thor's shirt too, his hands desperately wanting to explore the blond's skin, taunting it with ghostly touches and merciless scratches. Their hips moved rhythmically together, faster and impatient.

"Fuck me, Thor!" Loki demanded, while he leaned forward, his hands finding Thor's pants. He unzipped and released the hard erection. "Shit, you're really hard." He gasped, taking the long cock between his fingers.

"I bet you are too." Thor whispered in a teasing way, while he undid Loki's pants. He smirked satisfied as he confirmed his suspicion.

The raven-haired man released a moan when Thor's fingers travelled his length up and down. Both breathed hard, moaned, groaned and grunted as they rubbed each other's cocks. Thor watched transfixed as Loki contorted under him, pulling his head back from pleasure or bending over to watch the way they worked their cocks. Thor could see the pre-cum on his dick and feared to come even before starting. Without stopping indulging Loki's cock, his left index searched for Loki's ass. He inserted his finger, provoking a too tasty moan.

"Ah! Shit!" Loki cursed under his breath, the pleasure driving him insane. "The second drawer! Open the second drawer!" He said, pointing at the small dresser next to his bed.

Thor shifted a bit so he could open the drawer and found an already open box of condoms and a used flask in it. He wondered if Loki had been bringing guys to the apartment during his absent hours, but decided he didn't want to know. Meanwhile, Loki had positioned himself on his knees, so it would be easier for Thor to prepare him. The blond stared at the perfectly rounded shape ass and swallowed dry. He couldn't understand why, but he wanted Loki badly. With trembling fingers, he placed the condom on his erection. He poured some of the liquid on his index and reinserted it inside Loki's opening. The raven-haired man was already high in pleasure and moaned deliciously while Thor stretched his walls, moisturizing them generously. He inserted finger after finger, pulling them in and out of his body, torturing Loki with slow pleasure. After a while, he applied some of the gel on his cock and pressed it against the narrow entrance. Loki trembled while he cursed and moaned as Thor's long and thick erection stretched the walls more than they were used to.

"Oh god! You're really big!" Loki said in a choked voice, while he supported himself better on his hands.

"A-Are you okay?" Thor asked unsure.

"Ah! Yes. Just move slowly." Thor obeyed, shifting carefully and slowly inserted his erecting further inside his friend's warm tunnel, giving time for Loki's body to adjust itself.

"Don't stop!" Loki whispered, while he widened his legs and moved his hips. "Follow my lead."

Thor nodded although he knew Loki couldn't see, since he had his back to him. He remained still and allowed his friend to move at his own pace. Within some minutes, his body was used to Thor's thickness and gave him permission to move freely. The blond was completely entranced with the way his friend moved his hips and arched his back, sometimes moving downwards, sometimes meeting his chest so they could share a kiss. He realized it wasn't very different from having sex with a girl, since Loki moved, reacted and made similar noises to a woman. And oh, how his voice sounded magical and sweet in his ears.

"Ah fuck! You feel good!" Loki moaned breathless.

"You like it?" Thor asked already knowing the answer but needing to know for sure.

"Ngn…Yes…I like the way you – Ah – the way fill me completely!"

Thor choked in his own breath and pounded Loki harder. He never expected banging his best friend would feel this good, this enticing, this addictive. The way Loki felt so warm and so tight around him, the way he moved stimulating his sensations, the way his breathing and moaning tasted sweet. Thor leaned over and kissed Loki, guiding him to turn over and lay on his back. He supported himself on Loki's tights so he could bang easier. He needed this as badly as Loki and so he pounded aggressively, moving in and out in a mad speed. Loki's hips matched his speed until it was too fast to accompany, stilling but allowing full access in his warm interior. The bedroom filled itself with the sound of their moans and grunts, of skin clasping against each other, of the bed screeching under them.

Thor saw Loki's fingers search for his own cock and rub it, its head becoming even redder than it already was. He rode deep and hard while he watched Loki fascinated. He was beautiful, laying all spread out for him, touching himself without any shame, losing his mind completely to pleasure. His body was small of frame but perfectly shaped. His pearl skin had many traces of red marks where Thor had nibbled. The blond loved the way Loki's pale face looked under the sweat, with pink swollen lips and rosy cheeks. His hair was completely tousled, the dampness curling his black locks. He had never saw him like this before and felt even more excited at the erotic sight. He hit Loki's prostrate harder and faster, causing louder moans. He could feel his climax nearing, but he wanted Loki to reach it first. So he wrapped his fingers around Loki's hand that was working his cock and they indulged his erection together, intensifying the speed, the pleasure and the moans.

"Come for me, Loki. Come for me."

Loki had lost it completely. He couldn't utter any coherent word, all he produced were groans and moans. Thor watched Loki pull back his head. His mouth opened and a loud painful moan escaped his throat while his back arched. The white fluid jerked off his cock and Thor felt the pleasure urge him to reach release too. While Loki uttered softer and pleasurable moans, Thor pounded violently for about another minute, before he too was invaded by a wave of almighty pleasure and his cock jerked inside of Loki's warmth.

Thor collapsed on Loki panting wildly. The black-haired man didn't move an inch underneath him. Thor could feel his friend's heartbeat bouncing hard and fast against him, while his chest rose and fell as equally as fast. He felt Loki's fingers find his back and his fingertips gently trace small lines on it. Thor lifted his head a bit to look at his friend's face. Loki had his eyes open, but his eyelids looked heavy. His normally pale cheeks were pink and his lips were still swollen. Loki was staring back at him but his expression was blank, a bit guarded perhaps. Thor shifted a bit so he could kiss Loki's lips. While he moved, he couldn't help and think the wet stickiness on their skins felt great. He kissed Loki's soft skin next to his mouth, on his cheeks, next to his eye. The blond nudged his nose against Loki's neck and breathed in his natural scent. It was wonderful. Everything about Loki was wonderful. His taste, his scent, his touch, his voice, his warmth. Thor kissed the side of Loki's neck and licked it afterwards, causing an almost silent moan. He could tell Loki was tired, but he simply couldn't have enough of him.

The blond continued with the gentle indulging. He planted sweet kisses on Loki's face, neck, shoulders. He smiled as Loki closed his eyes, his lips drew a gentle grin and his lips departed slightly so soft gasps and meowing escaped his throat. Thor felt Loki lazily move his legs and arms around him, his touches matching his slow and tender movements. Their lips met and so did their tongues. The indulging and caresses persisted for a long time and Thor could already feel his body grow hard and thick, just like Loki's that was pressed between their bellies. It didn't take long before the blond was placing another condom, while he kissed Loki. His fingers played with the still wet entrance, causing delightedly frustrated gasps. Loki was ready and Thor was hungry to satisfy him. They kissed in a tight embrace, while their bodies started moving up and down, feeding each other's needs.

It was slower and gentler than their first time, but Thor sensed the intensity was stronger. Loki barely opened his eyes and when he did, it was to meet his with a desperate desire. Thor felt exciting chills run down his spine just from that look. They never changed from position and Thor moved rhythmically on top of Loki while they shared soft kisses and gasps. It was quieter than their first time, but the almost silent moans triggered Thor's senses more powerfully than any of Loki's earlier screams.

The blond could not tell what went on in his friend's mind. He could not tell what Loki's intentions behind his lately actions were. Thor could not tell if what they were having right now was a mere physical thing (like Loki had suggested) or if there existed hidden emotions the teenager refused to reveal. All Thor knew was that everything about this night was unbearably intoxicating.

Loki closed his eyes while he pulled his head back, exposing his neck beautifully. His lips departed to release gasps and strangled moans. He worked his cock while Thor banged him deeper and faster. Thor couldn't take his eyes away from Loki. Pleasure consumed his body, the temperature grew hot and sticky. His mind taunted him, telling him he should never desire to see Loki like this. Under him, at his mercy, panting, gasping and meowing. With his cheeks flushed, his departed lips swollen and his hair disheveled. His brow slightly knitted, his body contorting at the painful pleasure, his legs spreading wider and pressing against his back, urging him to shove deeper and deeper. Loki was the improper image of desire, the immoral picture of pleasure, the depraved representation of erotica. And it felt good, it felt right.

The raven-haired man begged to be fucked and Thor moved vigorously in and out his ass, while Loki rubbed his cock until release came with a series of soft moans. The blond continued banging, in fact, he sped up his pace as all coherent thoughts dissipated and an unmeasurable climax swept his body and mind. He groaned and shoved his hard but relieved dick another few times before he left Loki's warm interior and laid next to his best friend. He looked at Loki. He was panting with his eyes closed. The image was so precious that Thor didn't resist the urge to kiss next to his eye. At the touch, Loki turned to his side, searching for the blond's mouth and gave him the hungriest kiss they had shared until now. Their tongues departed, leaving their tastes on the back of their mouths. Loki then laid with his temple against Thor's shoulder while he emitted a tired hum. And while Thor tried to figure out what that passionate kiss meant, what their whole passionate night meant; he listened to Loki's breathing and noticed he was sleeping.

Thor shifted a bit to look at his best friend's face. He looked peaceful in the most wonderful way. And the blond asked himself, how many times he had spent dark nights staring at his best friend's face, mesmerizing each contour, each expression he made in his sleep while his heart almost burst from warmth and joy. This was the first time he considered Loki as a lover and he found out the feeling hadn't changed at all, if not, it was fortified. So what did this mean? What did this night represent to him? To Loki? Was is a physical release or was it something entirely different? Thor did not have the answers. Or maybe he did and he was too scared of them. And it was this new fear that compelled him to step out of the bed and leave Loki lying alone on his bed.

The blond returned to his own bed with a sickening feeling in his stomach. Leaving Loki had felt wrong. He pondered for a very long time if he shouldn't just get up and return to the room next to his. But as bad as the feeling was; as worse as it became by the passing minute; Thor never left his bed. Eventually night became day. An unmeasurable portion of guilt invaded his heart, it made his stomach turn and his head became heavy while he heard the water of the shower run. He was sick with himself. Coward. Low rated coward. Because he had consented to Loki's advances. He had given Loki what he wanted and Loki had given him back what he wanted. They had shared an intimacy beyond anything he experienced before. And he had not had the courage or the decency to allow Loki to wake up next to him.

Thor turned to his side. He felt sick, nauseous, nervous and guilty. In his mind he told himself Loki had seduced him, but his heart accused him of misusing his best friend. Thor had no idea how he would face Loki from now on. He shut his eyes tight and clenched his teeth angry with himself. He could not wipe the feeling away that he had just broken something before it was even created. For the next half an hour, Thor tormented himself while he hesitated ashamedly to step out of his room and beg Loki for forgiveness. But he never left his bed and instead listened to his best friend's almost silent footsteps. At one time Thor would swear Loki had stopped in front of his bedroom's door. But then he heard the front door's apartment shut. A horribly heavy silence invaded the house and Thor ran to the bathroom to vomit his stomach's contents away.


	17. Revengeful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

Loki woke up sluggishly. While his eyes were still too heavy to open, his senses told his he was lying naked under the sheets. He lazily stretched his body and his arm found an empty space next to him. A knit on his brow was formed while in the back of his mind a vague memory told him somebody should be lying next to him. It took just a few seconds for the previous night's recollections to flash back and Loki woke up in a jump. He quickly sat up, panting, while his widened eyes stared at the empty bed side.

"Thor." He whispered while a piercing pain stung his heart.

For years Loki had been in love with his best friend in the most platonic possible manner. For years he had yearned to be touched by Thor. To kiss and embrace him like lovers do. But he never allowed any of his feelings to transpire, always too afraid of the consequences, of how it would affect his special friendship with Thor. Until very recently. On Monday, Loki unexpectedly realized the sophomore looked at him differently. With a foreign contained hunger. And then things changed. When Loki realized his best friend was interested in him, the freshman decided to take the risk. He ventured in taunting seduction maneuvers to see how the blond would react. And witnessed the way Thor grew wild and insane at his subtle flirtations. It was evident the blond resisted his own urges and Loki could understand why. He had been there too. He had passed the disturbing ordeals, the self-loathing, the haunting accusing and guilty thoughts. Until he eventually surrendered to his feelings and accepted them as they were. He was in love with his best friend. It was not like he had chosen it, after all.

Loki had known it was a matter of time for Thor to give into temptation. And when Thor kissed him madly, Loki thought his heart would burst from joy. He didn't care if it was only physical. He didn't care if it was just a bodily release. He needed this. He was hungry for Thor's touch. He needed to feel him, and he didn't care how violent it would be. Once was enough for Loki. Just to have Thor for one night just for himself, fulfilling all his teenager's fantasies, urges and cravings. Loki was ecstatic. He had lost completely his mind. He had shamelessly surrendered to all his needful accumulated urges. His body reached the climax in a way it never had before. His heart was satisfied. Once was enough.

But then Thor started kissing and caressing him again. So gently, so lazily, so sweetly. This time it was the blond who took the initiative. It had taken Loki completely by surprise. There was no seduction needed, no taunting temptation required. The blond touched him at his own will, without any kind of encouragement. And it was so tender. So slow. Loki felt his mind drown in a wonderful world of precious touches, scents, tastes and sounds. His heart pounded faster at the realization this wasn't just physical anymore. It panged at the desperate hope this wasn't just a bodily release anymore. This was something else. Something much deeper, much more meaningful. Loki felt the connection. He saw it in Thor's penetrating gaze. It was much more than what Loki ever expected. It was much more than what Loki wished for. Because it was exactly what his heart had craved for all these years. This was love-making. Or at least that was what Loki had thought.

_Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!_ Loki cursed and scolded internally. _How stupid I am!_ His eyes pricked. Thick hot tears accumulated in them and escaped at the first blink. _How could I allow myself to believe that Thor would actually want me?_ His left hand rested on Thor's bedside. The sheets were cold. He had left him, hours ago. _How could I allow myself to sink in such a delusional fantasy?_ He left him. They had shared the most fantastic sex Loki ever had. They had shared a special connection he didn't even know existed between them. And then Thor left him. _I'm nothing but a fool, a naïve dreamer!_ If Loki had felt cared and wanted just some hours ago, he now felt discarded. He felt dirty. Cheap. Worthless. _How could I allow myself to believe such a lie?_ A tremor spread through his body. Loki struggled with his dejecting feelings in silence. His breathing was irregular and came out in strenuous gasps. His fingers dug deep in his tights, breaking the skin until it bled. But the pain wasn't compared to the horrible sting in his chest. Loki put his hand in front of his mouth and muffed a sob. Something precious and beautiful had been fractured and cruelly shattered until it crumbled into dust and vanished into nothingness.

A feeling of panic rose in his chest. _This cannot not be happening! But it is. Don't panic! Think!_ He needed to get away. He needed to get far away. Loki stood up with great strain. His legs almost gave away. He was bended over, contorting from the inner pain, his hand clenched on his heart. He gasped. And wondered how it was possible for the emotional pain to become this physical. _Think! Ignore the pain! Just think!_ He opened his bedroom door. He met silence and an empty house. The feeling of dread, of pain, of panic worsened. Thor's door was closed. Loki placed his hand on the wood. His hand formed a knuckle. _No! Forget it! He doesn't want you. Think! Think!_ Loki felt used and dirty. In the middle of his chaotic thoughts, Loki made his way to the shower. He let the water run hot. His skin became pink under the unbearable heat. But Loki needed to feel the fire in the water. He needed to feel himself burn. Any pain was better than the one in his soul. He stood long minutes under the water. He sobbed in a lonely silence, the running water damping his gasps. He became invisible and became nothing when a mist of vapor wrapped his pale body.

_He sees me nothing more than an object. He thinks of me as a whore._

Loki turned off the water. His hands were pressed against the damp tiles, supporting his weigh. He panted while his green eyes darkened. Slowly the pain started giving way to anger. Hurt transformed into revolt. And so Loki allowed his heart to fill itself with rage. He needed the pain to turn into rage. He wanted to hate Thor. Because if he hated Thor, the pain would stifle, it would become bearable. His eyes dried out. A twisted grin spread in his features. If Thor was going to give him the cold shoulder treatment, then Loki was sure to give it back with twice the force. The teenager decided he was going to haunt Thor's mind. He knew the blond. He knew his pathetic moral compass and he knew the blond was aware what he had done was wrong. Loki quickly dressed himself and picked up his stuff, his heart easing with this new determination. But then he froze in front of Thor's door.

_What if I just knock and ask how he is? Ask what's going on in his mind? Talk about it? … No! Don't be ridiculous. He knows I am up! He knows I'm standing in front of his door. And he chooses to do nothing! The fuck with him!_

Loki angrily rushed out of the apartment. If Thor thought he could fuck him just for sport, then he was very wrong. Loki decided he was going to be Thor's ghost in his petty silly world. He was going to torment him with his invisibility and absence and yet be present at all times. Loki would never forgive him for playing with his feelings and make a fool out of himself. He was going to take his revenge. Silently. Implacably.

…

If Thor had felt guilty after letting Loki wake up alone, then he felt absolutely disturbed by his friend's non-appearance. During one long week, he hadn't seen or spoken with Loki. He needed to talk with the younger man, explain he had panicked and beg for forgiveness. The first day he meant to talk with Loki at lunch, but he didn't see him in the cafeteria. He meant to tell him at dinner, but Loki wasn't at home. He meant to tell him when he arrived back home, but that night Loki didn't return. The same happened the following day and the following.

Thor would find dirty plates in the kitchen that denounced Loki had been in the house, just like objects that seemed to be purposely moved out the place in the living room and in the bathroom leaving him the message _I was here when you weren't._ He had glimpses of Loki in the campus, but he disappeared when he chased for his shadow. Thor knew his friends talked with Loki. They shared meals and time together when he was away and the blond realized, Loki knew his agenda.

On Monday Thor even tried to talk to Loki after History class, pretending to meet Jane. But the freshman had managed to stalk his way out of the classroom when the brunette came to greet Thor, happy to see him after her long weekend away. He called out for Loki when he saw him exciting but he was ignored. Thor had not the heart to tell Jane or any his friends what was going on. What was he supposed to say anyway? He was pretty sure _I had sex with Loki and we haven't spoken since then_ wasn't going to work out. Fortunately nobody suspected their non-communication, so he continued trying. One evening, Thor placed a paper under Loki's bedroom door, with the hope his message would receive a reaction.

_I am so sorry! Please, we need to talk._

Loki smirked at the small piece of paper with Thor's handwriting. He cruelly smashed it. Thor was suffering and he was pleased with it. He wanted the blond to despair. Because when hurt and rage mingled in his dark heart, nothing was ever enough for him. He would only allow forgiveness when Thor would beg on his knees in the most humiliating possible manner. That was the only way the blond could ease Loki's heartache. Or at least, that was what the raven-haired young man had convinced himself.

…

Thor returned home early. He could hear the soft music of a piano in Loki's bedroom and he instantly knew his friend was studying for an exam. Today he didn't have the energy or disposition to attempt communication. He knew the teenager wouldn't open the door as hard as he knocked it. And he had his knuckles to prove it. How many times had he begged for forgiveness behind the closed door, screaming humiliatingly, while Loki put the music's volume to the maximum? The blond understood Loki was hurt. He clearly wasn't ready to give him forgiveness, but his cruelty and silent torture were coming ridiculously out of proportion.

Thor was certain one day he would simply break down the damn door, but not today. Today he was feeling too sick for anything. He dragged himself to his bedroom, pulled the curtains to make it dark, undressed himself and got under the blankets. Cold chills run over his body and his muscles ached. His throat was dominated by an unpleasant sensation of rough dryness and his head hurt. He closed his burning eyes while his ears focused in Loki's relaxing study-music. He hated being sick. All he wanted right now was to rest and get rid of this unpleasant flu. The piano lullabied him, while his body trembled of uncomfortable chills. He sunk in a world of disturbing and frightening dreams, in which the only comfort he found was his name being called out buy a familiar voice he couldn't recognize.

…

Loki arched his eyebrow and looked at his watch. 18:12. He thought it odd. He knew Thor always went to the gym between six and eight o'clock in the evening and wondered if the blond had thought of another worthless technique to attempt and talk with him. He was surprised to hear Thor enter his bedroom instead of hammering insanely at his door. Maybe Thor had finally given up. _The worthless coward_. Or maybe Thor had a last-minute dead-line or exam. _The selfish prick_. Loki could feel his heart contract while a dangerous fire burned in his veins. Thinking of Thor only made him upset. It threw him off balance. Because it reminded him of his heartache. Loki took a deep breath. He decided he didn't care and ignored any other thoughts concerning the sophomore. He preferred to focus instead in his reading and forget about the ache in his chest.

…

A loud repetitive sound woke up Loki from his slumber. The raven-haired man stared at the dark and his ears perceived the distinct sound of coughing. He frowned, while a hint of concern filled his heart. It was a dry coughing. It sounded strenuous, painful, like if Thor was out of breath. The coughing persisted for a while and then stopped, only to be followed by a miserable moan. Loki sensed his heartbeat and breathing increase. He wanted to ignore the sounds but he was too familiar with them. Thor had the flu. And by the sound of it, he had the fever too.

There was more coughing followed by an afflictive moan. Loki jumped out of his bed. He cursed internally for what he was about to do, but he knew how horribly sick the blond always got when he had the flu. He rushed to the medicine cabinet and got a couple aspirins. He then went to the kitchen and got a glass and a bottle of water from the refrigerator. The teenager entered Thor's room and switched on the desk lamp, so the light wouldn't disturb Thor. He looked at his friend. He was coughing in his sleep and the moans were surely the product of confusing dreams. Loki instantly knew Thor had the fever and was delirious. He pushed the blankets away, leaving only the sheet covering Thor's sick body. He placed his hand of the blond's forehead and his suspicions were confirmed.

"Shit, Thor. You're burning up." He whispered. He shook and called Thor several times until the other weakly opened his eyes.

"Loki!" Thor said with a hoarse whisper and a weak smile. A series of painful coughs followed and the raven-haired man actually felt sorry for him.

"You have the fever. Take these." Loki gave him the aspirins and the water. He forced Thor to drink a second glass of water, telling him he needed fluids in his body.

"I'm sorry." Thor said while Loki guided him to lay on his back, because he was struggling to remain sitting up.

"Shhhh! Lay down. You need to rest."

"I'm so sorry, Loki! I didn't know what to do! I really didn't! I don't – I don't want to lose you." Thor's voice was weak, his speech sluggish. His blue sapphire eyes were glinting from the fever. His face was so pale with dark rings under his eyes and dry lips. Loki stared wide-eyed at his best friend and cursed internally. How could he remain angry at this miserable display?

"Oh, shut up. You're not losing me." Loki said in a complaining tone, feeling both upset and embarrassed.

"You keep disappearing! I don't want things to change just because we – because I…" A wave of coughing interrupted him and Loki had reached his limit in his torture.

"Stop talking you idiot! You're making things worse." Loki scolded while he pressed Thor down on his pillow. He kept struggling to sit up.

"I don't want to die with you angry at me!" Thor miserably protested and Loki sighed heavily. He climbed on the bed so he could press the blond down. How in the world the other was able to be so strong even when he was this sick was beyond his comprehension.

"You are not dying! You have the flu! God, why do you always think you are going to die when you are sick? You're bloodly pathetic!" Thor stared wide-eyed at Loki's scolding and the teenager felt truly guilty when he realized his so-called pathetic friend was in tears. "Okay Thor. I'm not angry with you anymore." He said in a softer tone. He wiped the tears away that had escaped his friend's eyes and then placed a chaste kiss on his too warm forehead to make the point. He ignored the shaky breath under him and sat up to look at Thor.

"I don't understand what happened that night, but I swear, I never intended to hurt you." Thor confessed weakly but relieved his stubborn friend had finally listened to him. He felt horribly sick, but at least the sickness had softened Loki and brought an end to his thirst for revenge.

"Let's not talk about it. Best not to dwell in such thoughts. Besides, you are sick. You need to focus in getting better." Loki softly said and realized how much he had missed his friend. He unconsciously wiped a strand of golden hair from Thor's face.

The blond froze and his breathing stilled for moments. He observed Loki's gentle and caring manners, his soft look on his eyes and realized. There was much more than just forgiveness in that tender look. There was care. There was love. Thor almost gasped. He had been suspicious Loki had feelings for him that went beyond friendship. But now he was sure.

His friend's revengeful behavior was far from being just a display of anger. Loki had truly been unmeasurably hurt by his behavior. A troublesome feeling started swelling in his chest as he wondered. How long Loki felt like this for him? He had a fit of coughing when he realized Loki had seduced him that night for much more than a physical attraction. Thor still couldn't understand his bodily impulses and emotions around Loki, but one thing he knew for sure. He couldn't continue hurting his friend this way.

"We really ought to talk about it." Thor managed to say after the coughing ceased a bit.

"Not today, Thor. Today you rest." The blond coughed again and cursed. Loki was absolutely right. He was too ill for this kind of conversation. He laid against his pillow exhausted and defeated. Thor sighed. Loki never wanted to talk about sad things, anyway. Never.

"Stay with me." Thor whispered while he rested his hand on the empty space of his bed. He needed this, the company of his best friend. And he needed to show Loki they were still friends and they still could continue being friends even after their night of sex. Loki seemed to be pondering this, for he looked thoughtful.

"I'll get sick."

"I'll take care of you if you do."

"You're inexcusable." Loki whispered while he surrendered to Thor's plea and laid next to him, his friend with his back to him. "Just make sure you cough and breathe on that side!"

"Thank you." The blond said with a smile. His fingers intertwined with Loki's, as they rested against his belly. Thor felt safe and protected with the teenager at his side. It felt good to have his friend back.

Loki smiled and closed his eyes. His cold heart had melted at his friend's plea. Forgiving Thor had been easier than he thought. Maybe because he had grown tired of torturing him. Maybe because he simply missed Thor's companionship. Loki still had no idea what was going on the blond's head, but he had read the honesty in his friend's eyes. Whatever Thor felt for him was genuine. If the blond loved him the same way as he loved Thor remained a question. The black-haired man nuzzled a bit closer to his friend. Right now he didn't really care. Loki realized he simply wanted his best friend back.


	18. Thanksgiving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

During three nights, Loki watched over his ill friend. He made sure he had enough blankets when his temperature was normal. When the fever struck, it was high and merciless. Loki would pull off the covers, give Thor his medicine and keep his temple cool with a small towel damped in cold water. He made sure Thor ate something in the morning and cooked light meals for lunch and dinner. He even had reluctantly informed Jane about Thor's illness. The brunette immediately acted overly dramatic and ran to her boyfriend, only to find out Loki had already taken care of everything. Her company was the only thing left she still could offer but somehow she felt it was not enough. And then, on the third evening, Jane left the apartment with an uncomfortable feeling.

Jane would always leave when Loki returned, knowing Thor needed his rest. She never lingered too long in the boys' company, even if the raven-haired man asked if she wanted to stay a bit longer. She knew he was being kind and polite, because she could see the exhaustion on his face. Jane knew he needed as much rest as her boyfriend, so she always left early, not wanting to bother. But today was the first day Thor was actually looking a bit better and even acted more cheerful. So Jane decided to stay a while longer. She missed Thor's and Loki's brotherly interaction (when she thought about it, she couldn't quite remember the last time they were the three together) and was looking forward to spend some time with them. She was therefore disappointed when Loki exited Thor's bedroom after greeting the blond and checking how he was; excusing himself for having still a lot stuff to do.

It was that moment that Jane noticed the way Thor's eyes followed his friend. She would swear his eyes were filled with anguish and yearn, but quickly dismissed the thought, realizing it was silly of her to think such a thing. Yet, the unpleasant feeling something was wrong lingered in her heart for a while. Jane sat next to Thor feeling slightly agitated, not really knowing why. She held his large hand in hers while she smiled sweetly at him, knowing this gesture always cheered Thor up. But she was taken aback when he gave her a very forced smile. Jane thought it was odd and the unpleasantly uncomfortable feeling in her heart grew stronger. She then deduced Thor and Loki must have fought. Surely that would explain Loki's desire to exit the room so soon and why Thor looked at him so longingly. Jane almost sighed relieved at her own conclusion and felt guilty right afterwards. It was wrong to hope the two best friends had quarreled.

Jane decided she would ask Thor about it another time, when he was feeling better. For now, she wanted to distract him. So she started talking about the latest subject she was studying in astrophysics class. He always loved to listen to her stories. But after some minutes Thor told her he was tired. Jane was silenced for moments. It was not the interruption itself that had confused her, but the irritated tone with which he had spoken. It was the first time Thor rudely interrupted her. Jane smiled awkwardly, while the unpleasant feeling sunk deeper in her stomach. She quickly figured out Thor was telling her the truth. His fatigue would explain his uncharacteristic behavior.

Jane then offered to stay a while with him, to give him company until he would fall asleep. She was disappointed when he politely told her it was not necessary. Instead he told her to go back home because it was becoming late. Jane stood up feeling disappointed and hurt, but smiled kindly nevertheless. She would always respect his wishes and needs. Before she left the room, Jane told Thor in her most loving and caring voice that she would come back the next day. Her heart ached a bit when he mumbled something unintelligible while he turned over to his side. He didn't even look at her and clearly wanted to be left alone. In one final attempt in satisfying him, Jane asked if there was anything she could do for him before she left. He asked for Loki.

Her heart panged. Jane fidgeted her hands nervously. The unsettling unpleasant feeling invaded her heart and mind. Jane told herself she was being silly, but she couldn't help and feel hurt by the thought Thor needed Loki more than he needed her. She understood they were childhood best friends, but she was Thor's girlfriend and it was her duty, her role, her task (and not Loki's) to take care of Thor and cheer him up.

Jane left the apartment with an uncomfortable feeling. She left confused and hurt. Loki had taken care of everything. Medicine, food, everything. Her company was the only thing left she could give. And even that Loki had taken away from her. Because it was Loki's company Thor longed for, and not hers.

…

After Thor's recovery, the blond finally took the courage to talk about the one subject he knew Loki avoided like fire. Their one-night stand. He wasn't sure what he wanted from this conversation. To hear it was just a physical attraction or that there was actually something way more significant going on between them. He had to muster all his courage, because he knew he was taking several great risks, the most frightening of them was losing the two people he cared the most for. But he couldn't live with this uncertainty, with the unanswered questions. So, during diner, he opened the discussion.

"Loki, we still didn't talk about…ehm, that one night." Thor hesitantly said and his friend looked blankly at him. It was hard to read his expression. Actually, it was impossible to make out what was going on his best friend's head.

"Just let it go, Thor. Makes no sense in lingering on that subject." Loki neutrally said, his tone deprived of emotion.

"But Loki, I cannot – I need to understand…"

"What happened is more normal that you would expect, Thor." Loki said, his tone only tiny bit harsh. "It happens frequently when two people are very close, like we are, best friends since children; to feel a sort of attraction for each other. Independently of the gender." Loki coolly stated and then looked at Thor's lost look.

It broke his heart to know his friend cared for him, greatly. But Loki had given it a lot of thought and came to the conclusion, despite their passionate night, despite him wanting it to be more than just physical; Thor still and most surely would always perceive him as a friend. And if there was something he learned about their one-night stand, was that it was preferable not to change things. It would only increase the pain, create sweet false illusions and confuse Thor completely. "There was tension between us." Loki continued. "A lot of physical tension. And it had to be released. That's what happened. That's just all."

"If it's just all, why were you so pissed off after I left you?" Thor confronted him and Loki looked at him with a grave expression. Of course the blond needed answers. Of course he wanted to know how he felt about it. It was exactly this kind of caring that warmed and broke Loki's heart simultaneously. It was this kind of caring the teenager craved the most, more than kisses and touches. He needed to feel cared. The thought he could lose Thor because of one passionate night or because of his uncontrollable feelings scared him completely. He preferred to have Thor as a friend than not have Thor at all.

"You hurt my pride and I am a disproportionate revengeful person." Loki bluntly said.

His answer was so cold and frontal that Thor didn't dare to push further on the matter. So he merely nodded and ate the rest of his dinner in a contemplative silence, until Loki decided to talk about an entirely different subject.

The blond lay later on his bed still thinking about his friend's answer. It was a typical Loki answer. Logical, down-to-Earth, detached of emotions. Obviously Loki had prepared himself for this situation. He obviously had already thought a lot about the recent events and these were the conclusions he made. But somehow Thor didn't feel quite secure as he should. He wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed with Loki's answer.

Thor sighed. He was divided. He wasn't so sure any more about his feelings for Jane and for Loki. Above all, he feared Loki was somehow concealing his true feelings and lying to him. Because his answer made everything simple. They could just forget about that one passionate night existed and just go on with their lives. Thor didn't need to interrogate himself further about his feelings for Jane and Loki. The raven-haired man remained safe in his one-night stand zone. Most important of all, they remained friends. Best friends.

Loki told him to let go. Thor wasn't so sure he could. He wasn't so sure he wanted.

…

"All packed up and ready to go?" Thor shouted from the living room.

Tomorrow was Thanksgiving. The blonde was bringing Jane with him, introducing her to his parents. Loki would ride along with them till a town halfway, where they would meet Helblindi, so the brothers would make the rest of the trip together. Loki came out of his room looking a bit unsecure. He looked paler than normal and Thor feared he had passed his flu to his friend.

"I think I didn't forget anything." Loki answered a bit distracted, while he checked his weekend bag for the tenth time. "Yeah, I have everything."

"Good. Let's go then." Thor cheerfully said, but would have sworn Loki's smile was a forced one.

The journey had been fun. Because of Loki's long legs, he sat in the front seat next to Thor. Jane had absolutely adored the way the men chatted endlessly, teasing each other with old childhood stories. Loki would often turn around to face her, a mad glint of mischief in his clear eyes, while he plagued her with stories about Odin's wrath and his talent in humiliating Thor's girlfriends. The blond would of course contradict the teenager, who would contradict him back, creating the merriest sphere in the car. When they arrived Loki's meeting point, Helblindi was already waiting for them by a supermarket parking lot.

Loki ran to his brother, jumping and shouting his name and them crushing on him with a warm bear hug. The siblings seemed to dance in their embrace while they laughed together. The oldest of the three brothers was the one who lived the furthest and had the most difficult time schedule. He was a doctor-surgeon and Thor knew the man had to joggle with his timetable so he could have a few days off. The reason Loki was already fidgeting of excitement in the car, half an hour before arrival. Like a little child, he kept asking the blond how much longer it still would take.

The blond could hear the brothers telling they missed each other before they finally released themselves from the hug. He felt a bit envious for the strong bond between them, always having wished to have a sibling, always wishing Balder had survived his illness. Loki's other brother Býleistr, wasn't going to join them for Thanksgiving. He didn't for years already, since he had a huge fight with his parents because of his wife (back then she was his fiancée). Instead he spent Thanksgiving with his wife's family, and returned home in the weekend, where Loki and Helblindi would spend the rest of the holiday period.

Helblindi the came to greet Thor and Jane. She didn't see many similarities in the brothers. Helblindi was less tall and stronger-built. His hair was a light shade of brown and his skin was tanner. But when he came to handshake her and she saw him closer, she recognized the same jade eyes and wide smile on his features. Thor knew the differences between the brothers weren't restricted to the physical level. Perhaps for being the oldest of the three, Helblindi was the calm, serene and patient sibling. It was on a very rare occasion that Thor would see him angry.

Although Loki obviously adored his oldest brother, Býleistr was the sibling he had the greatest affinity with. He was his confident and the person he trusted his problems to. Býleistr too was tall and dark-haired like Loki, only his eyes were blue. Thor used to say he was Loki's older version because they looked so much alike. Just like Loki, Býleistr was a stubborn and a decided person, but he was much more prudent and responsible than his younger brother. Like Helblindi, he was calm and had the strange power of taming Loki's tantrums already since children. Thor smiled to himself. Loki was the typical youngest child, spoiled, impatient and demanding, but filled with a pleasant energy.

The small group paid their short farewell, as they went in separate cars but drove in the same direction. The travel was quite hilarious, as they kept waving each other every time they overtook the other. They arrived their hometown early in the evening. Thor parked his car in front of his parents' home. He felt a bit anxious. Loki's stories about Odin's unkindness towards his former girlfriends weren't entirely untrue. But his worries melted away the moment he saw his mother peek from behind the window's curtain, a wide smile forming in her always gracious features. Short after, the door opened and she stepped outside, rushing to the car, while she waved elegantly, her happy smile making her even more beautiful. Thor stepped out the car to embrace her. His heart warmed and he knew, it didn't matter how old he would be, he would always be his mother's little boy.

…

Loki and Helblindi were silent went the engine was turned off, after the car was parked in front of their parents' home. The oldest brother looked at his young sibling's face and could read the tension and the fear in his face. He didn't miss the way he looked pale, just like he had noticed his weight loss. Heldlindi was very concerned with his youngest brother. He was decided to talk with him tonight. The knowledge Loki had been years struggling with a depression but stubbornly kept rejecting professional help worried him terribly. Even after last year's events, Loki refused help. Helblindi feared Loki was nearing his limit, the dangerous boiling point that could lead to a break-down. The only thing that put his mind a bit to rest was the knowledge he was living with Thor and visited Býleistr in a regular basis. Helblindi wished he had more time to be with his brother. They called and talked regularly, but it wasn't the same. He sighed tiredly.

"Loki, don't worry. Father won't hurt you." Helblindi said knowing perfectly well what was going inside of his brother's head. "I will not let him." Loki turned to look at him and gave a soft smile.

"I know." He whispered, his eyes darting to the house's façade.

"Come." Helblindi encouraged and they both stepped out the car.

They headed to the door and rang the door-bell. Loki stood in front of Helblindi, his older sibling's hand on his shoulder. The door was opened and Farbauti, their mother smiled at them and greeted both with an embrace and a kiss on the cheek. She welcomed her sons and invited them in. The siblings switched glances. Helblindi nodded encouraging. Loki took a deep breath and entered the house with a straight back and a confident look on his face.


	19. Dark Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! I've been really busy with work lately.
> 
>  
> 
> I do not own Marvel or its characters.

The Golden family was spending a lovely evening with the presence of kind Jane Foster. At least Frigga showed interest in the young woman, making her pleasant questions about London and her study. Odin, on the other side and as excepted, behaved distant and wary. He wasn't too happy Thor was dating a foreigner but tolerated the girl (as long as she didn't try to engage a conservation with him). They had just had dessert and the women were about to lift up the table when they saw blue flashing lights passing the street. Odin looked out the window and frowned. There were two police cars and an ambulance stopping at the end of their road.

"They stopped at the Frost's house." He said and looked alarmed at Thor and Frigga.

"Loki!" Thor gasped and immediately exited the house. He ran fast down the street, his heart beating from fear something bad had happened to his best friend. Jane and his mother called him, urging him to wait for them, but he didn't even hear their voices. They followed him suit and so did Odin. Thor only halted when a police officer ordered him to stop. "What's going on? Is somebody hurt?"

The blond asked breathless but the agent ordered him to step back. Thor was about to protest when the entrance door was opened and two police officers were escorting Loki out of the house. The raven-haired teenager was struggling, his hands were handcuffed behind his back and he kept shouting he had done nothing. Another officer exited the house, accompanying a very angry-looking Laufey, he too handcuffed but, unlike his son, quiet and silenced. Fárbauti followed her husband and son, crying and pleading the police not to arrest her family. Meanwhile Jane and Thor's parents had arrived at the house and Fárbauti saw Odin. She immediately turned to him, pale and teary.

"Please, Odin! Don't let them take them! It's Thanksgiving! It was just an accident!" She plead and Frigga rested her hand on the upset woman's shoulder.

"What happened?" Frigga gently asked

"It was an accident! I swear Laufey would never hurt any of the boys!" Fárbauti sobbed miserably.

"What do you mean?" Thor asked feeling genuinely confused. Had Laufey attacked Loki or Helblindi? Thor knew Laufey was a dominant and strict man but could hardly imagine him losing his temper and become violent. Besides, Loki never told him anything of the kind. For Thor's utter frustration, instead of receiving an answer his mother gave him a disapproving look. He was about to insist when his father's voice next to him distracted him.

"Good evening officer. Mind telling me what is going on?" Odin asked the police agent. In contrary of his son, the Golden patriarch was very aware about Laufey's explosive moods and this family's history.

"Mr. Mayor. Good evening." The police politely greeted as he recognized Odin immediately. "We received a distressed call for domestic violence and that somebody was hurt. When we arrived the boy was holding a kitchen knife in the father's direction. Apparently the father hit the older son, who's being assisted right now."

Thor had hardly time to process the shocking information, because the most unsettling image followed just moments after the police spoke. Two paramedics rushed out of the house to the ambulance with a stretcher. Helblindi was lying on it, unconscious, his head bandaged and there was blood on his face. And then he heard his best friend's voice like he never did before. Loki was still screaming to get freed but this time his tone was filled with dreadful fear and a panicked despair. Thor turned around to realize that, when Loki saw his brother being brought to the ambulance, he started struggling even more in a desperate effort to free himself from the police.

"Helblindi!" Loki screamed terrified, tears staining his white face. The officers held him back and ordered him to step in the car, but he was deaf to their command. "Let me go! My brother! He's hurt! Let me go! I've told you already, I did nothing!"

Thor still understood nothing of what was going on, but seeing his friend this distressed made his blood boil. He wanted nothing else but to go for his aid, protect him from whatever was going on and make Loki feel safe under his wing. But Odin stopped him, resting and pressing his hand on his son's shoulder. His look urged Thor to wait and let him handle things. Although Thor was edgy and fervent to hit any person that afflicted his best friend, he knew that look in his father's eye too well and resigned frustrated into obedience. The mayor gestured the police agents to allow him to speak to Loki. Only then did the teenager see him.

"Odin! Please, help me! I swear I did nothing! It was my father! He hit Helblindi. He hit Helblindi after he hit mother!" Loki quickly explained, panic all present in his eyes and voice. "Please, I want to go to my brother."

"Your brother will be fine. And so will you. They are only going to take you for questioning, so they can understand exactly what happened." Odin quietly said.

"But my brother…"

"Your brother will be in good care. Loki, you need to collaborate. The more you cooperate the sooner you will be released. Isn't it right, officer?" The police agent nodded. Loki looked from Odin to Frigga. She nodded and Loki took a few deep breaths before nodding back.

"Please, make sure he will be okay." Loki urged before allowing the police officer to guide him inside the car.

Only when he sat down, behind the closed glass, did his green eyes meet Thor's blue ones. They were filled with fear and sadness, guilt and shame. Thor took one step forward, his hand stretched to Loki and his mouth opened to say something. But the raven-haired man shook his head miserably and shifted his gaze afterwards leaving Thor the more confused and agitated. The blond watched the car move away with a pang in his heart. He understood nothing. He growled loudly in angry frustration. And felt hurt. Because Loki was hurt. And there was nothing he could do to help him now. Thor turned to face his parents and Jane. His girlfriend looked as confused and scared as he did. But his parents' faces told him they _knew._ And Thor was getting the answers right now.

…

Thor, Frigga and Jane waited in the police station, while Odin had driven to the hospital with Fárbauti. Loki was being interrogated because of his threat against his father with a white weapon and for showing resistance during his arrest. Once everything was clarified, the police concluded Loki had acted in self-defense and his resistance towards the officers was a consequence of panic. All charges were laid down and after the formulation of a rapport, Loki was released. As for Laufey, he was accused of domestic violence and could only be released after his bail was paid.

Thor quickly stood up when Loki was allowed to leave the police office. He looked terribly pale. Only now did Thor notice his friend too hadn't escaped his father's fury, for there was a cut on his bottom lip, which was already swollen, just like his left cheek. Green eyes scanned the faces that awaited him and Thor immediately read the anxiety in them.

"Helblindi?" Loki asked in a hoarse trembling voice, and Thor shivered. He never had heard him this scared and vulnerable before.

"He's fine. The hospital has already released him." Frigga gently said, resting her hand on Loki's arm. His expression was one of pure relief. Yet the pained and distressed look in his eyes did not vanish.

"I don't – I don't want to go back to _that_ place." Loki told Frigga, referring to his home. Frigga gave him a smile of understanding and compassion.

"Of course not. You are welcome to stay with us." The woman said and despite Loki's hurt look, he smiled.

Thor's eyes searched for Loki's, but the raven-haired teenager broke the gaze as soon their eyes met. The blond stared at him concerned and wanted to say something, but he didn't quite know what. He never had seen Loki this helpless, broken and lost before. He had been shocked when his mother had told him they knew about the Frost family's situation long ago. He had been revolted when they told him they had known about Laufey's violent moods. That he often took it out on his wife and had been worsening within the years. He had been outraged when Frigga told him Loki often came to her or to Odin when he was troubled and they offered the protection and shelter they could provide him. His parents, just like Loki, had never told him anything.

Thor couldn't believe this had been going on for several years. It had been happening right under his nose and he never had noticed anything. He couldn't understand how he had missed it. How Loki had hidden his problems so easily. He never let anything transpire. Sure he was sometimes revolted and angry, but not any differently than other kids of their age. Even after Loki admitted he had had a fight with Laufey because of Stark's party, Thor had never dreamed his friend lived years oppressed in a daily environment of fear. Lately he did notice an aura of melancholy around his friend, but never expected it to be this deep, this serious, this old.

Thor never saw Loki saddened, even more hurt or scared. Had he been this blinded all this years? Or was Loki a master in lies and pretended too well? It still didn't explain why his friend never confined his problems to him. Why he rejected his help before it could be offered. In the end, Thor felt angry and hurt at the knowledge he had been kept in the dark. And now that Loki's secret had been unveiled, he couldn't even look Thor straight in the eye. Even now, Loki pushed him away.

They walked to the car without sharing a single word. The drive back home was also done in silence. Thor drove, Jane sat next to him and Frigga sat behind with Loki. The blond could see in the mirror how the green eyes were shinny from nerves and helplessness. When they arrived home and Thor was unlocking the front door, Loki made a run to the side of the path, bend over and threw up. Frigga was in no time by the teenager and she patted his back gently, while he rejected his stomach contents. Thor heard Loki gasping loudly while he slowly bent his knees, until he was sitting on the ground. It took a few moments for the blond to realize Loki was sobbing. Frigga held Loki close to her and spoke gently to him. A few miserable cries were released before the young man finally calmed down.

Thor felt a soft touch on his arm and looked down to meet Jane's concerned eyes. Her thumb caressed his face and wiped a tear Thor had not noticed had escaped his eye. He exhaled softly, his gaze redirecting to Loki's figure supported by his mother. The black-haired man was standing up again and Thor could see was shaking.

They entered in the already lightened house, only after Loki's last sobs escaped his lips. Odin was sitting in the living room with the company of Helblindi. The oldest brother had a compress on his head, but looked bright and well for the rest. He immediately stood up and met Loki half way, as the siblings quickly rushed to each other.

"A-are you okay?" Loki spoke first, while his green eyes studied his brother's features.

"I'm fine. I had a mild concussion. I'll be fine." Helblindi reassured. His fingers brushed Loki's hair and he looked clearly concerned with his little brother. It was impossible not to notice Loki had just wept but he made no remark about it. "What about father?"

"He's still in the police station. He will remain until somebody pays his bail out." Loki darkly said.

"Well, it won't be me spending money for that piece of crap." The older brother bitterly said and Loki nodded. "Listen, I think it's better for you to stay here tonight. I'm staying at home with mother, she's…she's in much as in shock as she is in denial. I also didn't tell anything to Býleistr yet. I'll talk to him tomorrow, okay?"

Loki nodded with a soft sigh. Thor didn't miss the exchange of looks between Frigga and Odin. The blond bit his tongue. They were all involved in this. For years. They probably had expected this day to come and had done nothing to avoid it. They could have helped. He could have helped if he hadn't been kept in the dark, ignorant of the horrors his best friend lived at home. He had been prevented from helping Loki. It all revolted him. His heart ached so badly that he wanted to scream and scold his parents, scold Helblindi, scold Loki for hiding the truth from him. He simply could not understand why. And so, after Helblindi left the house, Thor followed his mother to the kitchen.

"Why didn't you tell me anything?" Thor asked her. Frigga poured water in the cooker and sighed.

"Loki asked for. He didn't want to worry you."

"Still, you could have told me!"

"He begged, Thor." Frigga told him and placed her hand on his face. "He was in tears and begged not to tell you anything."

"Why?"

"I'm afraid that's something you'll have to ask him yourself."

…

_Loki was hanging on the edge of a whirling abyss, his body balanced dangerously under invisible winds. Thor was hanging down too, but something or somebody was preventing him from falling along with Loki. Their hands were connected by a long wooden staff, in a strong grasp. Their gazes were locked and the blond could see the pain, the sorrow, the hopelessness in the green gaze. Thor did everything to strengthen his grasp. He wanted to pull Loki up to safety. But then he saw Loki's expression change. There was a strange compliant serenity in his face. A single tear caressed his pale face. Loki let go of the staff. There was nothing he could do. Thor screamed horrified, a cruel sting piercing his heart while he watched, impotent, Loki fall and fall into the eternal abyss of dusty galaxies and shiny stars._

Thor woke up with a silent scream. He remained lying on his back for some moments, panting while his heart pounded too fast. His eyes peered into the darkness of the night and he slowly calmed down as his brains told him it had been nothing but a nightmare. One horrible nightmare. He looked at his side. He could make out Jane's contours in the dark. She had not woken up, not even stirred, and he sighed relieved. Thor caressed her smooth skin and brushed some brown locks away from her face. After contemplating her face in the dark, the blond silently got out of his bed and descended the stairs. The events from the previous evening were still spinning in his head.

After Helblindi left, Frigga had convinced Loki to take a sleeping pill and a calming tea. Thor, Jane and his parents sat by the table while the teenager laid on the couch, breathing heavily, his face finally relaxing when sleep took over him. Odin had told Helblindi's recount. It had all started during diner, when Laufey, who was already heavily drunken by the time, complained about Loki's new friendship with Tony Stark. His tone had been viciously sour and insulting, accusing Loki of being a traitor to the family and company. When Loki was verbally assaulted, Helblindi stood up for his youngest sibling. The two sons and the father engaged in a loud fight and when the mother came in between to avoid the men of becoming physical, Laufey slapped his wife. This was when things became chaotic. Curses, insults, accusations and blows filled the house and Laufey became the more violent and furious by the passing second. Helblindi was thrown against the wall when he placed himself between his parents, wanting to protect his mother. The hit was so hard that he lost his senses. When he woke up, he was already in the hospital.

Fárbauti had told Odin what had happened next. After Helblindi fell on the floor, Fárbauti ran to him only to find out he was unconscious. While she panicked and tried to wake up her son, Loki had grabbed the kitchen knife that laid on the table and placed himself between his mother and his father. He had threatened Laufey and told him he wouldn't hesitate and strike if the man took another step. Both his parents believed him. This was the moment he picked up his mobile and dialed 911, asking for the police and medical help. And help came within minutes.

Thor sighed at the memory of the recount, still finding everything quite surreal. He reached the living room and was surprised to see the television set on while the lights were off. Loki sat on the couch, wrapped in a blanked. He was staring at the screen. He turned his head in Thor's direction when he heard his footsteps. Thor felt a chill run down his spine. Loki looked like a ghost under the white-blue light of the screen, his eye sockets were dark, his cheekbones deep. He would swear Loki didn't see him at first, for his clear eyes looked empty and dead. But then he blinked and the blond could see life return to them. A life filled with pain and sorrow. Thor noticed Loki's eyes were puffed but his face was dry. His earlier revolt for being kept in the dark about Loki's troubles melted right away and was replaced by concern and compassion. He had not the heart to interrogate Loki for his silence about his family problem. So instead he silently sat on the couch next to the younger man.

Their gazes met, both saddened for different reasons. Thor hesitated and carefully lifted his right hand. His fingertips brushed Loki's face and rested on his neck, just under his jaw. Loki closed his eyes at the familiar and caring gesture. His response was hesitating, like if he was afraid to scare off Thor when he slowly shifted closer. His arms cautiously encircled the broad back and Loki rested his face on Thor's shoulder. The blond recognized his friend's need and gently embraced his smaller frame. He brushed Loki's hair and heard him release a shaky breath.

Thor's heart jolted at the sensation. He stiffened when Loki pressed himself even more against him. The memory of their one-time immediately invaded his mind. Thor knew it was improper, he knew Loki was beyond vulnerable and all he wanted now was to be held and nothing more. Yet, he couldn't help that his body reacted to this closeness. He tried to keep his breathing even and made sure their most intimate bodily parts wouldn't touch. He was already growing and the last thing he wanted was to become big and hard. But Loki didn't move or shift anymore. They remained in this quiet embrace for a long time. Then Thor noticed his friend's breathing changed, becoming deeper and more rhythmic. He shifted only very slightly to be able to look at Loki's face and was surprised to see he was fast asleep.

The blond involuntarily smiled and stared tenderly at Loki's sleeping face for a while. He relaxed completely. All the earlier arousing thoughts were replaced by a gentle intimacy he never had shared with his best friend. Suddenly, Thor felt both selfish and privileged. Despite the choices Loki made in the past, the teenager was now trusting him. Because Thor knew his friend was too proud to allow anybody to see him this vulnerable and fragile. He was too stubborn to seek protection, comfort and care. Thor slowly laid back on the couch, Loki lying comfortably on top of him.

Thor knew it was twisted, that he should feel so happy right now, while his best friend suffered greatly. But the mere knowledge that the strong-willed Loki needed him, trusted him and sough comfort through him in his most vulnerable moment warmed his heart and swell it so much he thought his chest would burst from sickening joy. Thor wondered if he was cruel, wondered if he was sadistic. He closed his eyes relishing the warm weight on top of him, feeling the strong heartbeat against his chest, the soft breathing against his neck. Thor wondered if he was selfish, wondered if he was inconsiderate. He drank thirstily the intimacy and perfection of this moment. The weariness of a too short night interrupted by the disturbing dream was finally weighting. His last thought, before he drifted into sleep was him wondering if he was in love. Thor sunk into a dreamless slumber, holding his best friend close to his heart.

 


	20. Family tribulations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or its characters

Thor woke with a small jolt and a gasp. He opened his eyes suddenly and the first thing he sensed was a warm heaviness pressing down his body. His vision was blurred but after blinking a few times, it cleared and he saw his mother standing near his head, looking kindly at him.

"Good morning Thor." Frigga whispered. Thor's gaze shifted from his mother to the black mass of hair on his chest. "Let him sleep a bit more. He needs his rest."

Thor nodded and remained quiet, his fingers involuntarily drawing small circles on Loki's back. The blond could hear his mother in the kitchen and wondered what Frigga thought about him sleeping on the couch under Loki. Then again, his mother had found his friend sleeping in his bed in the past quite often and never seemed to consider it something out of ordinary. Thor had now the suspicion Loki sneaked into his bedroom to escape his violent household. That was probably the reason his parents permitted this kind of unconventional behavior.

The blond wondered why he never interrogated himself about this. Why he always believed in Loki's excuses about insomnia? Maybe it was because he was happy when the younger boy came to his room in the late nights. There always had existed a comfortable brotherly intimacy between them. Thor liked to believe that, despite the fact they grew from small children to young men, a fragment of their childhood's innocence survived in Loki's nocturnal trips. How this new reality tore Thor's naïve thoughts to the ground. No wonder his best friend kept calling him an oaf. After all, he never seemed to look beyond his own nose.

Thor's guilty thoughts were interrupted by Frigga's return to the living room. She walked to the television and turned it off. At this Loki woke up in a flinch. He half raised up on top of Thor and his green eyes stared at the blond under him with surprise and confusion.

"Why am I laying on top of you?" He asked with a hoarse voice, filled by shock and Thor could hear his mother chuckle in the background.

"You fell asleep. And then I fell asleep." Thor explained. He forced a smile, because Loki still looked very pale and the rings under his eyes were still pronounced. The raven-haired young man carefully got up, his limbs shaking a bit and sat down. Only then did he see Frigga sitting opposite the boys. Loki's eyes became large at the realization of how odd he and Thor must have looked like under the woman's gaze.

"I swear! This _really_ isn't what it looks like." Loki said and Frigga smiled amused.

"All I saw were you and Thor sleeping. Wasn't that exactly what it looked like?" The woman gently asked, an edge of playfulness in her voice. Loki smiled almost shyly. "How do you feel, sweetie?"

"Still tired. A bit dizzy." He confessed.

Both Thor and Frigga could tell he was speaking the truth for he looked and sounded exhausted. "I think that pill was too strong." He added in a chuckle, attempting to lighten up the tension in the room, which he failed gloriously. Thor could see that, despite Frigga keeping her kind posture with a gentle smile hanging on her lips, the soft knitting in her brown denounced her disapproval in Loki's attempt for camouflage. They all knew perfectly well the pill wasn't the problem and that the teenager was far from being in a lighthearted mood.

"I would like to talk with you." Frigga calmly spoke. "I think Thor should join our conversation."

"Do we really need to do this?" Loki asked nervously and defeated, his tone denouncing his knowledge there was no way of avoiding Frigga's wishes.

Thor had always admired his mother's ways with Loki. The younger man had always showed nothing but enormous respect and veneration for Frigga. She alone was the only person on Earth that succeeded in convincing Loki to do things against his will. Frigga's greatest weapon was her gentleness, her motherhood and her wisdom and not even Loki had defenses for those.

"Yes." Was Frigga's undisputable answer. She took a small breath, folded her hands on her lap and stared friendly at Loki. He looked at her a bit afraid, for he knew what was coming. He was compliant nevertheless "Loki, do you remember what you promised last year?"

Thor thought it was amazing how his mother knew to coach others with her gentle voice and manners, to coach people with difficult personalities like Loki, who normally would resist and run away from this situation. The teenager always ended up obeying Frigga, which Thor knew was an absolute rarity. After all, Loki never listened to nobody. Not to teachers, not to his parents, he would even defy Odin if he wanted. But never Frigga. It was like if she had some superpower to tame even the wildest soul.

"Yes." Loki whispered and Thor noticed his eyes swell up. His fingers trembled slightly and intertwined fidgety. Thor swallowed dry, fear and concern taunting his belly.

"Well?" Frigga asked, her kind smile never faltering, her caring eyes never leaving the green orbs.

"I don't want." Loki whispered and broke the eye contact to look at his hands. He shook his head while he bit his under lip.

"Sweetie, you know you need it." Frigga said, her hand leaving her lap so it could meet Loki's. Thor's heart was beating of trepidation. He was clearly a mere spectator in this conversation, for he had no idea what the subject was. But whatever it was, it was killing Loki, for he lifted his eyes to meet Frigga's and the first teardrops were on the edge of spilling out of his eyes.

"Don't want." He voice was even lower, a whisper of a whisper, weakened by hurt and by sorrow.

"Loki. How long can you carry this pain alone?" Frigga asked while she squeezed Loki's hand ever so gently. Two thick tears jumped from Loki's eyes. Thor felt a lump in his throat. It was horrible to see his best friend so broken.

Loki shook his head again, his eyes darted around nervously until they rested on his hands again. "Oh child, don't you see you can't do this anymore. There are people out there that can help you." Frigga told and Loki stared at her, new fresh tears running down his face.

Thor thought it was even more painful to watch his friend weep this quietly, in silence, than a fit of hysterical sobbing. This was far more crude and sorrowful. "You know I'm right, don't you?" Frigga almost whispered and Loki bit his under lip again, breathed in and nodded while he blinked, releasing new tears. Frigga gave him a compassionate smile and turned to face Thor. "Loki will need to seek professional help. He has to undergo therapy. Can you help him find a psychologist at the University?"

"One of my counseling teachers works at the Student Health Services." Thor quickly answered, finally understanding the purpose of this conversation. He agreed entirely with his mother. He could not even start to imagine what kind of impact Loki's family situation had on his friend, but he was pretty sure his gothic-like looks were a mask, just like his anti-social behavior was probably a defense mechanism.

"Good. Then I want you to make sure Loki is never alone before and after a therapy session." Frigga told Thor and his stomach sunk. He looked at Loki and saw his face become paler, his tears cascade freely and his lips tremble.

Loki opened his mouth to speak. No doubt to protest, but Frigga cut him off. "Darling, you cannot do this alone. You never needed to do this alone. You have to learn to let others in." Thor knew his mother was talking about trusting people, trusting friends. Loki wiped the tears off his face and nodded in silence again. Thor could only imagine how exposed and vulnerable the raven-haired man felt right now. "Good. Now try to eat something. You need your strength."

Thor remained seated on the couch while he watched his mother guide Loki to the kitchen. The younger man obeyed and followed her with such a passivity that it was heartbreaking. The blond would contact his teacher today still. And suddenly was very afraid for Loki. Because he had no idea what his friend had been hiding and bottling up, just like he didn't know how he would react to therapy. But his mother was right. Few were the moments she was wrong. Loki didn't need to do this alone. Because he wasn't alone.

…

Only three quarters of an hour later, somebody rang at the doorbell. The Golden household was drinking coffee and Frigga got up to answer the door. Soon she was guiding Helblindi to the living room. Loki quickly stood up with a look full of expectation. The older sibling greeted everybody and then turned to Loki, handing over him his weekend bag.

"Come, we're going to Býleistr." Helblindi said and Loki's gloomy face immediately brightened up.

"I thought we were only going tomorrow." The younger man said, while he accepted his bag.

"Change of plans. He's already on his way back to his house."

"And Violet?"

"Violet and Tanja too." Helblindi said with a chuckle when he saw how radiant his brother looked at the prospect of seeing his little niece.

"What about mother?"

"She can take care of herself. I'm afraid it's only you and me, baby brother. Think you can survive 5 hours ride alone with me?" The oldest sibling challenged in a playful manner and Loki laughed for the first time since they arrived in their hometown.

"It's you who should be worried, old man." The teenager teased back with a grin. "Just going to the toilet, I'll be right back." Loki said in an excited manner and exited the living room. There was a heavy silence in the division after the teenager exited it.

"I understand Laufey paid off his bail early this morning." Odin's stern voice broke the uncomfortable silence. Both Thor and Jane stared at the patriarch surprised while Frigga took a sip of her coffee with a regretful sigh.

"You are well informed. He is already back home."

"Did he at least apologize?" Odin asked. Helblindi made a scoffing sound which reminded Thor very much of Loki.

"He brushed off and said something about not being in his right state of mind." The oldest sibling complained. "There's no way I'm allowing him near my brother after what happened yesterday. I'm not sure to what point father and Loki are in a forgiving mood."

"Of course. You do well." Odin said and gestured him to sit, but Helblindi refused. It was clear he wanted to leave as quickly as possible.

"We managed to convince Loki to go to therapy." Frigga suddenly said. "Thor will make sure Loki actually goes to the sessions." Helblindi looked truly surprised.

"I congratulate you. You achieved the impossible. Býleistr and I have tried to convince him already for years but the twit just keeps refusing. The worst part was that mother and father didn't think it was necessary either. Shitty parents…Pardon me for the language." He quickly excused himself, but both Odin and Frigga dismissed it. "Anyway, unless things change radically, I think this will be the last time we will spend any celebration with our parents."

"Why did you come in the first place, if things were so bad?" Jane asked and Helblindi grimaced. The brunette almost shrunk from embarrassment when all faces turned to her. She realized, first, it wasn't her place to make the question; second, it had sounded judgmental while it was not her intention to sound like that at all. "I'm sorry….I didn't mean…I shouldn't have asked you that." She quickly apologized.

"Indeed, you shouldn't." Odin said with a harsh look and a reproving tone.

"Odin!"

"Father"

"Oh no, it's okay, really!" Helblindi dismissed quickly. The last thing he wanted was to witness another family argument. "I guess Loki is still trying desperately to keep this family together. I think he still needs to believe we are family."

_While we stopped being for God knows how long._ Helblindi thought and sighed almost defeated. He could understand Loki's desire in having a normal family, but it was striving for something that simply didn't exist. Loki was the only surviving pillar of a crumbling house that threatened to collapse on top of him at any moment. He needed to protect his youngest sibling from his unbalanced parents. He needed to show his brother he had to let it go. Just like Býleistr and he had done long ago.

Loki was the only reason he kept coming back to his parent's house during the holidays. But Býleistr had stopped visiting after Laufey disapproved his marriage with Tanja and insulted her, years ago. The oldest sibling knew how much Loki suffered with Býleistr's absence, especially because they had a stronger bond and understanding than he ever had with the teenager. In the end, all he ever wanted was to protect his youngest brother from his crazy parents. Alas, he had the feeling he was failing greatly at that.

After the previous night's incident, he spent hours reflecting about his family issues and his role as oldest brother. The more the thought about it, the more he concluded that his and Býleistr's life choices affected Loki negatively. Býleistr for choosing distance and pointing out the cruel reality, Helblindi for keeping up the appearances and feeding his brother with an illusion. He knew Loki had a strong character. He was clever and resilient to life's tribulations. But paradoxically there always resided a fragility around him too. One that had grown stronger the past two years. And after witnessing Loki's distressed look in his eyes the previous night, Helblindi worried this whole situation was becoming too much for the teenager. Helblindi's reflections were interrupted when Loki returned from the restroom, looking joyful and expectant.

"Shall we go?" Loki asked and his brother nodded contented.

"Thank you for everything." Helblindi said to the Golden family and Jane.

"See you Sunday evening." The black-haired teenager said to Thor. The blond smiled with a small wave of his hand. His heart warmed to see Loki cheerful again. But he also thought it was a pity he already had to leave, especially for the reasons he did. He truly wished his best friend would enjoy the rest of the holiday with his brothers and little niece's company and be allowed to forget a bit about the previous night's tribulations.

After Loki and Helblindi left their home, the family lingered a while in the Frost subject and the impact their situation had in the three sons. But as the day developed, they focused on other matters, so the memories of the previous night became more distant. Thor had now a new problem in his mind. Odin's hostility towards Jane. He didn't understand what the girl had done wrong, but his father showed too obviously that he did not like her. Frigga had asked her son to be patient and let Odin warm up to Jane, but the more the girl tried to gain his sympathy, the more unreceptive he became.

"I don't understand father! What has Jane done to displease you?" Thor decided to confront his father, when the women decided to go for a stroll.

"I dislike her. That's all. Does everything have to have a reason?" Odin coolly answered and Thor felt his blood boil up.

"With you there is always a reason."

"Okay, you want a reason? She does not belong here anymore than a goat belongs at a banquet table!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Thor asked exasperated, unable to believe his father had just compared Jane to a goat.

"She's an orphan from a low-class family. She's obviously only dating you for the money. Besides, she talks too much, is too fidgety and tries to please too hard."

"Father, that's the most foolish thing you've ever said! There is nobody more honest than Jane! You think my friends wouldn't warn me? Gods, take Loki as an example! He can sense a lie for miles and he likes Jane!" Thor angrily refuted.

"I doubt he does." Odin spoke low, but Thor heard his comment nevertheless.

"What was that?" The blond asked.

"I said you are moving too quickly in this newfound relationship!" Odin said clearly becoming upset by his son's insistence. "Look, you have nothing in common with this girl. Nothing! And I can assure you _nothing_ is not a good basis for a relationship. Now, if you will excuse me, I have more important matters to tend."

Thor was left alone digesting his father's words with great anger. How Odin's arrogance and superiority towards less wealthy people made him absolutely outraged. Not only it was unfair, but above all, it was an absolutely ridiculous concept. Jane might not have a loaded bank account but she was rich in other ways. She was one of the smartest people he knew and yet she was humble and always kind to everybody. Thor hit the wall with his fist and panted for a few moments. While his anger about his father's opinion on Jane started to mellow down, another disturbing thought filled his mind.

His father's comment about Loki. Thor had heard it very clearly. He had not expected to hear those words, but what really surprised him was the way his father wiped out the subject right away. Thor wondered if Odin too had figured out Loki's feelings for him. Odin liked Loki to some point. He was often paternal and protective about him. But he was also mercilessly strict with the younger man. He infuriated Loki and resulted with him losing temporarily all respect for the town's mayor.

What scared Thor the most was that his father might notice his doubts surrounding Loki. The blond was quite certain, what he felt for Loki was special and meaningful. So meaningful that he quickly forgave Loki for all his lies. It did hurt him, but it hurt even more to see Loki suffering. The sophomore sighed tiredly. He wished Thanksgiving would end right away. He was sick and tired about everything going wrong. About Loki's secrets and revelations, about Odin's hostility around Jane, about his own irritatingly confusing emotions. Just another two days and he would be heading back to campus.

 


	21. Cannot Understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N 
> 
> I am so so sorry for the long hiatus. I've been extremely busy with work and now am with holidays. So now, I'll be updating rather regularly, to compensate the waiting :)
> 
> ...
> 
> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

The drive back to campus had been gloomy. Thor had been angry with his father the whole weekend and remained sour the whole journey. Jane didn't wish her boyfriend to remain upset, so she tried to cheer him up with her infinite optimism.

"You shouldn't let yourself get all worked out because of your father. I mean, look at me! I'm not bothered at all. I really don't care if he likes me or not."

"Jane, please. I know you care." Thor darkly said. "Just don't lie. It's already bad enough Loki lied to me all this time, the last thing I need is you doing the same."

"Sorry." Jane dejectedly apologized. She wanted to cheer up Thor so badly. He needed to see the bright side of things. "You know, what happened to Loki during Thanksgiving was for the greater good." Thor gave her a shocked look before he shifted his gaze back to the road. "I mean, I know it's horrible! I care a lot for Loki too and hate seeing him in such pain!" She quickly explained. "But, had this not happened, you would still be ignorant of Loki's problems."

The blond knew his girlfriend was right. Now that his best friend's darkest secret was revealed, everything made sense. He understood now the reason behind Loki's cold and distant manners to strangers, his general aloof behavior, his mistrust in people. He understood now why Loki wouldn't let anybody near him. And when somebody became close to him, he often would push them away. He limited his friendships to a superficial level and preferred one-night stands to a steady relationship. It was the fear of loving and then getting hurt that made him act the way he acted.

Loki was completely off balance. Thor understood now Loki's strange shift in moods from the last months. The blond realized his perception of his friend was in many ways incorrect. Since children that Loki was easily infuriated. He always thought it was impatience that upset his spoiled rich friend, because people couldn't match, accompany or understand his brilliant mind. Now he understood that it was the stress from home that was bottled up and was released in fits of rage.

Lately Thor had also been confronted with a growing melancholy surrounding his best friend. And how everything became clear now. Loki's "addiction" to parties, to drink and do drugs, these were all reality escapes. Ways to forget his troubles, to forget his sadness. Loki had too many suppressed negative emotions stifled inside of him. And meanwhile he had allowed himself to sink in a depression.

Jane told Thor this was all for the greater good. How much longer would have Laufey tormented his family? How much longer would Loki have carried this secret, this burden, this depression? Thor knew Jane was right, but it didn't mean he stopped feeling guilty. He felt stupid for not being able to read the signs around him. He was angry at himself for not being able to help his friend the way he should have.

The drive back to campus had been gloomy. Jane did her best to make Thor see the bright side of things. But all he could think was, if Thanksgiving had not happened something much worse could have. And he would never had had the chance to help. Thor promised himself to watch over Loki. He vowed to protect his best friend against his own torments. Accompany him through these difficult times. He would not allow Loki to sulk in his own misery. He would not allow Loki to think he was alone.

When they arrived campus, Thor dropped Jane off by her apartment. The brunette watched the car leave with a heavy heart. It saddened her that a time for celebration became a moment for sorrow and anger. The reason why she allowed Thor to go right away to the apartment. She knew her boyfriend was upset about Odin and Loki. She understood him, but it hurt that Thor refused her help. That he refused her company in these difficult times. Jane also knew Thor preferred to be alone with Loki. He had explained that the younger man hated exposure and her presence would only worsen things because the teenager would close in himself even more. Jane had always admired Thor and Loki's strong connection. They were comrades since childhood. But Jane feared she would never be allowed in between them. She bitterly realized, when it was about Thor and Loki, she was the third wheel.

…

Thor entered in an empty apartment. The silence never felt this heavy before and it sent chills down his spine. He switched on the television set to create some background noise. He laid down on the couch and closed his eyes. His head pounded from all the worrying during the weekend. He was still infuriated with his father. He was dead worried with Loki. He released a loud groan from frustration and opened his eyes widely when he heard the door's lock click. He sat up and Loki was standing at the entrance, looking startled.

"Did I interrupt something?" The raven-haired man cautiously asked and Thor chuckled, realizing his groan was easily confounded by a pleasurable moan.

"No, Loki. That was my way of expressing my irritation."

"Irritation?"

"Fought with my father." Thor said. He read the surprise and concern in Loki's features and regretted his words right away. His friend had already enough in his mind to worry about. Loki walked in the living-room, dropped his weekend bag next to the couch and took a seat opposite Thor.

"Why?"

"Jane." Thor exhaled an annoyed sigh while Loki's eyebrow lifted. "He doesn't like her."

"Unsurprising. What was it this time?"

"She comes from a poor family!"

"Really? That's rather discriminating."

"Yeah. He said she does not belong in his home any more than a goat belongs at a banquet table!" Thor yelled frustrated, while he threw his arms open.

"That's ah…ehm…that's pretty powerful." Loki said and Thor stared at him with incredibility. He could see his friend was struggling not to laugh, but was failing enormously. His hand was covering his mouth, unsuccessfully hiding his obvious snickering.

"You find it funny?" Thor asked outraged and Loki couldn't hold it back anymore. He laughed loud and hard for his best friend's disdain. Thor narrowed his eyes angrily while his friend contorted from the fit of laugher.

"He…Haha…He really?…I mean…Haha…why in hell a goat!?" Loki managed to say in between his gasps. Thor tried to continue looking angrily at his friend, but he felt his lips involuntarily curl up at Loki's question. When he thought about it, goat was a pretty ridiculous comparison. Before he could help himself, Thor was laughing along with Loki.

"Imagine…Haha…A goat jumping between plates…spreading food all around…screaming bhééé´´…Hahaha…"

Their fit of laugher grew worse after Loki's last words, as he placed his hands on his head, imitating the goat's horns. Thor fell off the couch, as he contorted from the pain around his belly and Loki's fit of laughter only got more hysterical. It took a long while before the both of them managed to stop, their lungs needing air and their bellies begging for mercy. Loki wiped the tears of his eyes, his body still shaking from all the giggling.

"You are insane." Thor said after a while, struggling to stand up, so he could sit on the couch again. "Completely insane."

"Hey, you are the one who has father that has a fetish for goats!"

"Ah, you fool…God, my belly hurts more than when I do work outs."

"You see? When you are with me you get a full training. Muscles, heart and spirit."

"You are a real nutcase, do you know that?"

"Ah, but you are the one that choses to hang out with the nutcase. So who's the real nutcase?" An ornamental pillow flew in Loki's direction and the teenager giggled at the attack. "Really, that was the lamest throw…Ahhhh!" The teenager quickly jumped from his couch as Thor hit a run and a crazy chase started in the small living room. They bumped against furniture and circled the table about ten times before Thor managed to tackle down Loki.

"Surrender, you little villain!" The blond said for Loki's amusement. Both stilled for moments, becoming self-conscious about Thor's embrace around Loki's slender body.

"Okay, okay, I surrender." The teenager awkwardly said and missed right away the pleasant warmth his best friend's body emanated. Thor seemed to be equally uncomfortable, because he released him quickly, with an uncomfortable grin.

"So…Was it fun with your brothers?" Thor asked, trying to shake away the awkwardness that just installed itself between them.

"Yeah." Loki said, still with a shy smile. "Violet gave me a new nickname." The blond looked at his friend curiously, for his impish grin had returned. "Lolo."

"Shit! That sounds…pornographic."

The two friends stared at each other for seconds before both started laughing loud and hard again. They contorted, moaned of pain and cried from amusement for a long while. It felt exhausting and it felt great. And so they decompressed all their recent somber events, forgetting for moments all the sadness of the world. If the connection between the two friends seemed lost long ago, it was now entirely reestablished.

….

Monday arrived. Of course when Thor and Loki met their friends at the cafeteria, and the question was put out if they had enjoyed holidays, the raven-haired man tried to lie. Or better, he told about his brothers and niece, but cleverly omitted the part about the conflict in Thanksgiving's eve. He never expected for Thor to jump in and reveal the whole truth. What followed had been disconcerting. Because Loki became furious. He grabbed the blond by his arm and pushed him aside, so the others could not hear their conversation.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?!" Loki whispered with his teeth clenched. His eyes were narrowed and shinning dangerously, the iris dilated and growing in the green. The blond knew he was pissed off.

"They have the right to know the truth!" Thor whispered back.

 _I know, more than anybody else, how horrible it is to be kept in the dark. How it feels to be deceived and unworthy to know the truth. How it feels to be impotent and frustrated, unable to help when help was needed. But most of all, how it hurts insanely to be pushed outside and shut away_.

"It's not your place to do that! It's _my_ life, _my_ problem and it's _I_ who decide to tell about my home situation, not you!" Loki spat infuriated.

_I trusted you, Thor. I allowed you to see me in my weakest moment. And this is how you reattribute my honesty? By betraying me and misuse the trust I gave you this way?_

"So when were you planning to tell them? Never? Would you let them discover the hard way like me?" Pain surfaced in Thor's voice.

_I don't understand! Why did you decide to keep this horrible secret from me? What have I done wrong to deserve such a thing? Are we truly best friends?_

"Believe me, if it was for me _they_ would never know. _You_ would never know!"

_You would never know and you would smile again. You would smile all the time. You would be happy the way you should be._

"Why?" Thor asked frustrated, anger building up in his chest. _Why did you shut me out?_ His hand was gripping Loki's arm with a bit too much force. Sif, Fandral, Captain and Bruce quickly stood up sensing things were about to become sour. They never had seen those two this angry before.

"Because I didn't want you to know! I knew this would happen if you did!" Loki yelled irate, while he tried to free himself from Thor's painful grip. _I knew you would suffer with my suffering._ He saw Fandral put himself between them, Sif rest her hand on Thor's arm, the one attached to Loki's. He heard their voices, but could not discern their words. All he could see was the anger and hurt mingled in Thor's blue eyes and he felt his heart shatter.

"Am I not good enough to receive your trust?" Thor asked while his heart ached. He allowed himself to be coached by Sif and his fingers released Loki's arm. Green orbs stared back again in a sea of pain, sorrow and rage.

"You idiot! I've told you before! You just don't listen, do you?!" Loki suddenly spat, the tempest of pain raging in waves of distress. He read the confusion in Thor's face and the fury mingled with frustration accumulated in his chest. "You don't understand anything! Just stay away from me!"

_Because the longer you linger around me, the longer you'll suffer. I'll wipe away all the happiness in you. You'll never smile to me the way you used to. Stay away from me before I destroy you._

Before anybody had the chance, Loki rushed away. He stumbled against a few tables in the way out, panting while he spat curses, and as soon as he reached the exit, started running. Sif and Fandral both shifted their gazes from the door Loki had just vanished back to Thor. Captain and Bruce stood behind Thor with equally worried expressions. The blond looked so confused, angry and like the raven-haired teenager had looked.

"Yes Loki. I truly don't understand."


	22. Point of Reference

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

After his fight with Loki, the blond told the whole story to his friends. He told them about Loki's family situation, about how nobody told him about it, not even his parents. He told how bad it all made him feel, how he felt he had to struggle to gain his best friend's trust and every time he thought he did, he would lose it all over again. His friends tried to console him, telling Loki was in a difficult phase and probably didn't even realize what he said and did. But their words offered no comfort.

Later on, Jane listened to her boyfriend's recount. She told him her opinion and that she truly believed Loki trusted Thor. Yet, the blond didn't believe in her words. Not even Jane succeeded him soothing his troubled heart. Not even Jane had the answers to his many questions. So, before he headed home, he decided to call the only person he was sure to give him the right answers. His mother. Frigga patiently listened to Thor's account and his predicaments. The blond found himself in the verge of tears, when he confessed his confusion. He had to fight them back, for Loki's cold rage pierced his heart merciless.

"Loki was always a troubled child, Thor." Frigga spoke from the other end of the line. "Your father and I did our best to guide him and protect him, since his parents didn't. It's true he doesn't trust people easily, but I don't know if trust is the issue, Thor. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you by keeping this secret."

"But if it doesn't have to do with trust, what is it then?" Thor asked helplessly. He listened to his mother's soft sigh and the pause seemed to want to kill him. She knew the answer, that he was convinced. But for some reason, she was holding it back.

"Loki is a very complex person. You'll have to learn to read him. To see beyond the cold walls of defense he has built over the years. But most of all, you have to be patient and understanding." His mother wisely advised him.

"But how can I help him if he keeps pushing me away?"

"The more you force, the more he'll run from you. I'm afraid that's how Loki is."

Thor had not found the answers he wanted from his mother. Instead he had even more questions. But for now, he decided to follow his mother's advice and be patient. He entered the apartment and could already hear the background music coming from Loki's room. Not sure what to say to the younger man, Thor decided to leave him alone for now and cook diner. Once the food was ready, he knocked on Loki's door.

"Will you eat dinner with me?" Thor asked after he heard the music's volume turn down. There was a long pause and the blond waited with his ear close to the door for an answer. He flinched and took a step back when the door was opened. Loki lifted his eyes and looked uncomfortable.

"You – cooked dinner?" Loki asked and the blond had the feeling those weren't the words the raven-haired man wanted to utter. Thor nodded. "I'm not… really hungry." Loki apologetically said. He was about to shut the door but Thor put his foot in between. The raven-haired teenager stared at Thor's boot.

"Just eat a little something." The blond gently insisted. He could see Loki shift his body slightly and knew then he would decline dinner. "Give me some company. Please."

At this the teenager stilled and lifted his eyes to lock them with the blue ones. There was a guarded expression on his face, a trace of wariness and some fear. The blond gave an encouraging smile. Loki nodded.

They ate in silence, the tension and awkwardness filling the air. Yet Thor didn't allow his friend to notice his discomfort. He watched how his friend ate, slowly picking his food and eating too little for his liking, but at least he ate. When finished, Loki wiped his mouth with the napkin and Thor shifted his gaze to his plate when he saw his friend lift his head to redirect his gaze to him.

"Student Health Services called me today." Loki spoke in a low voice and Thor lifted his eyes to look at Loki. The raven-haired man gave a small smile. "I guess you really have good connections in the university. I have an appointment with doctor Coulson tomorrow at five." Thor straightened his back. That had indeed been really fast. He wondered if Captain and Sif played a role in this too, after talking with them today.

"Phil Coulson? I know him personally. He's a good guy. I've heard he's the best." Thor said with a hint of hope.

The sooner Loki started therapy, the better. Above all, he was glad his friend was in good hands. He had heard many positive things about Coulson's work. Loki gave him an uncertain smile and looked very nervous, but nodded. Thor wondered if he had regretted his poisonous words from their fight earlier today because he was acting uncharacteristically compliant. "I'll go with you." Thor said and Loki's eyes widened. He opened his mouth, but Thor already knew what he would say. "Remember what my mother said? I promised her."

"Thor, you don't need to."

"Yes, I do. Loki. Please, I want to help you." Loki stared lost at Thor. How fragile and broken he looked right now. There were no defenses anymore, only his entire vulnerability. Thor read the fear and the sadness in his friend's eyes. He bended slightly over the table and rested his hand on Loki's. He felt the small flinch under his skin, but surprisingly, Loki didn't move his hand away. The blond gave it a small squeeze and locked his azure eyes on the jade ones. "Let me help you."

Loki stared into the blue eyes for some moments, drowning in them, his heart melting from Thor's kindness, his chest wanting to burst from both sorrow and happiness. He nodded with a silent okay. The blond smiled. A smile from relieve and Loki managed a small honest smile too. He gently moved his hand away from under Thor's.

"I am – I'm tired. Going to sleep." Loki said and Thor heard the hesitance in his words. He was sure there was something else he wanted to say. "See you tomorrow."

The raven-haired teenager left the living room with a bouncing heart. His emotions crude and confused. He had wanted to apologize. He had wanted to thank. But when it was about Thor, words always turned into ash in his mouth. He loved him, so dearly, so badly. And when he looked into those blue orbs, he thought he saw love reflected in them. It excited him just as much as it scared him. It made him want to be with Thor and push him away at the same time. He wondered if he could seduce the blond a second time. He probably could. And this was the reason he decided not to. If Thor had feelings for him too, if Thor loved him the same way he loved the blond, then he would wait for Thor to come to him. Loki laid with his back on his bed and closed his eyes. And bitterly realized, if he wanted Thor to come to him, he had to let allow him in.

…

Thor waited for his best friend in the waiting room just like he had done the two previous times. He turned the pages of some women fashion's magazine without truly looking at them. It was just pleasant to keep his hands busy. He felt nervous. Each time he accompanied Loki to therapy, he worried insanely for the outcome. Because Loki changed a lot since Thanksgiving, and became more unpredictable than before.

Thor had always known Loki for his entertaining and witty character. He loved to be intellectually stimulated and would get excited in theories, old stories and legends. Now he seemed not to even listen to what teachers or colleagues said. News and articles received an unprecedented disinterest. It was like if everything bored Loki.

Thor had always know Loki for carrying an easy grin on his face, most of the times when his brilliant mind was plotting some mischief or judging people for their trivialities. He had a dark humor, which was fun once people got to know him better. Nowadays, Loki barely spoke, he barely smiled and when he did, it was pained and so full for sorrow. It was like if everything saddened his friend.

After their fight on Monday, the untamable fire that made Loki the rebellious, decisive and unmanageable person he was, seemed to have extinguished. Thor was worried that something had broken and shattered, because there was a strange quietness, an unsettling silence, a numb passivity always around the raven-haired teenager nowadays. Sometimes it was like there existed no emotion in Loki. Or worse, there was too much emotion and it was so chocked up that Loki became mute. Because Loki wouldn't talk. He couldn't talk. Thor had tried to coach him but Loki always gave him such a helpless look, while he shook his head and pressed his lips together, emphasizing his incapability in talking.

Thor turned the magazine's last page and put it back on top of the table. Coulson had asked to talk in private with Thor the previous day.

" _I usually only do this with the patient's relatives, but in Loki's case, I believe it's essential."_ The man had started and Thor gulped concerned. What could be that important that he was called for an interview with Coulson? _"I called for you because Loki seems to deposit a reliable deal of trust in your person."_ Thor's eyes had widened at the affirmation. _"You seemed surprised."_ He had added and joined his hands, resting his elbows on the desk. _"Then you should know, you are Loki's point of reference."_

" _Point of reference …What do you mean?"_

" _It means that you are the person he seeks to rely on, depends on entirely, independently of the situation. You are the pillow he lands on when he falls."_

" _Did Loki say that?"_ Thor had asked with a bouncing heart. Could he mean this much to his best friend?

" _No. Of course not. I'm not sure to what point he realizes of that himself."_ Coulson had said with a smile and separated his hands, resting them on some papers. _"I'm not allowed to tell you or anybody about Loki's sessions unless he himself authorizes. I'm bound to_ _professional secrecy. I called you because I need to know if you can deal with the role Loki subconsciously gave you."_

" _You – You think I need therapy?"_ Thor had asked shocked, making Coulson laugh a bit.

" _Not unless you think you do. No. I need to know how your relationship is with him. Are you truly best friends?"_

" _Y-Yes. We've always been! Since little children!"_

" _And what are the feelings you have for him?"_ At the question, Thor had felt his whole body warm up and feared to blush insanely at the question. He felt nervously caught. Did the man know about their one-night stand?

" _What do you mean?"_

" _Do you feel the impulse to protect him? To watch over him, take care of him?"_

" _Yes."_

" _Why?"_

" _Well, Loki is – well he is younger than me, even if it's only two years and - and he was always the weaker one. I mean physically, he has no brawn. He is much smarter than me. But he gets himself in trouble easily, with all his crazy ideas and mischiefs. I have to watch over him because…"_ Thor had paused at the sudden realization and Coulson lifted an eyebrow.

" _Because?"_

" _Because nobody else will."_ The blond had finished his chain of thoughts. He had looked shocked at his own revelation and Coulson had grimaced.

" _Loki comes from a dysfunctional family. A violent father and an obsessive-compulsive mother, each trapped in their own turbulent world of emotions, so little is left over for the children. His older brothers' closeness in age allowed them to rely on each other and nurture independence from their parents, but Loki, being much younger, ended up not having anybody."_

" _So instead he relied on me."_ Thor had concluded and Coulson had nodded with a kind smile _. "And what of my parents?"_

" _Probably were more parents to Loki than his own."_ Coulson had stood up, looked outside through the window and then turned to face Thor with a grave expression _. "I called you today because tomorrow is going to be hard on Loki. The first two sessions were soft. All I did was make simple routine questions and Loki was already struggling in giving me answers. He is too smart for his own good, so he overthinks everything, especially now. From tomorrow, the real therapy will start and I will have to confront him with questions and facts he's probably been running away already all his life. It will be painful and he'll need support afterwards. I need to know you will be there for him. Otherwise I will ask his brothers, but knowing their busy lives…Well, let's say you are the one more available and the person Loki trusts the most."_

" _You can count on me! I'll help him in any way I can!"_ Thor had passionately said while he stood up. Coulson had smiled.

" _In that case, don't force him into nothing, allow him to come to you. I guarantee you, he will."_

Thor's memories from the previous day were interrupted by the sound of the office door being opened. Loki stepped out and looked terribly pale. His eyes were puffed and Thor knew Coulson had been true to his words when he said today's therapy would be hard on Loki. Because the teenager hated to cry, even more in public. His friend seemed to be self-conscious of his looks and avoided his gaze, staring at the floor. Coulson greeted him with his eyes and Thor understood what he meant. He smiled kindly at Loki.

"Well, I'm starving. Want to grab something to eat?" _Don't force him into nothing,_ he told himself. If Loki wants to talk, he will.

"I'm not hungry, but if you want to each something, it's fine for me." Loki spoke low while he shrugged his shoulders. Coulson, who stood behind the teenager gave an approving smile with a nod before closing the door.

"Great. Let's go then. You can just drink something if you want to." Thor cheerfully said. Loki finally lifted his gaze and managed a small smile. He seemed to cheer up a bit and even his eyes seemed to gain some light in them. Yes. Phil Coulson was considered one of the university's best psychologists and, just after two sessions, he had already unraveled Loki's complexities.

 


	23. Protection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

"I refuse to believe Captain is still a virgin!" Loki said in a giggle.

The two friends sat in a café, enjoying their company with a warm drink. Thor did most of the talking and picked up subjects that had nothing to do with family, depressions and therapy. Anything was good enough to make Loki forget his troubles and alas for Steve Rogers, he was the subject of their gossip.

"I'm telling you! He is!" Thor said in a whisper. "Look, he had some weird growing problem when he was in his teens, so he was really short and skinny for a long while. Even with his looks now, he still is very unsecure around girls. "

"Come on! How unsecure or shy can he possibly be? He never even had a date?"

"Well, there was once this girl he liked and they had a date but he missed it and then she moved away… Or something like that."

"Gods, what a silly tragic story! He's like what? Twenty-two? That's humiliating! I mean I was fifteen when I…"

"Please, Loki, I've heard this like a million times!"

"You're just jealous because I was younger than you when I lost my virginity." Loki purred and Thor chuckled.

"She was older than you!"

"She was hot!"

"It's illegal!"

"Not my problem. All I know is that I was very satisfied."

"How did you seduce an 18-year old anyway?"

"Eloquence, my dear friend, eloquence."

The two friends laughed together with their nonsense conversation. Loki had been thankful for Thor ignoring the subject of therapy. He was glad he didn't make any comment about his red eyes (which he was highly self-conscious), just like he didn't make any questions about his feelings today. He wondered what made Thor change his attitude this suddenly. Maybe he finally understood that the more he tried to force him to talk, he more he failed.

The sophomore talked about sport classes and the weirdness of some teachers and fellow-students. Slowly, he saw how Loki's interest in his tales grew, how the look on his face became less grim, how his eyes became more alive until there was curiosity and amusement in them again. Thor realized, while he talked about his own world of sports, Loki became completely distracted of his own worries, forgetting them completely. Thor's speech was so funny and so merry, that Loki found himself easily laughing from his friend's recounts. Thor was marveled to see his best friend laughing spontaneously again. He couldn't remember the last time Loki laughed this much with him. And so, Thor decided he would only talk about funny things unless Loki wanted otherwise.

Thor took some moments to watch Loki contort from the laughter, bended over the table with his arm around his belly. He smiled happy and pleased at his achievement. And realized this was what Loki needed all this time. He was glad Coulson had talked with him, because Thor finally understood. Loki already lingered too much around depressive and dark thoughts. The therapy, which was absolutely necessary, was probably the heaviest emotional load Loki ever carried. No wonder he always refused to talk with Thor or anybody else about his problems. He was probably too tired of thinking about them. Sometimes he just needed a distraction, to forget about his tribulations, even if it was for a few minutes. Thor decided this would be his new mission. To help his friend through his difficult period by shedding some sunshine in his life.

Loki's fit of laughter finally started to diminish and the teenager sighed relieved he could breathe again. His belly hurt but it felt great to laugh instead of crying. He lifted his eyes while he wiped his amused tears away and felt his heart jolt at Thor's expression. His blue eyes rested in him and they looked so soft, so tender, so happy. Loki felt his cheeks warm up and was glad the laughing fit had just happened so one would think _that_ was the cause for his blush. Still giggling, he pulled an untamed strand of black hair behind his ear.

"Thank you." Loki muttered low. _I love you_. He wanted to say but didn't want to spoil the moment. This friendship he had with Thor was so unique, so special. Never did he cherish it as much as he did right now and wished nothing else than to preserve it. He wouldn't put his desires in the play like he did weeks ago. After all, sex almost destroyed their friendship. There were moments like right now, when Loki was certain Thor loved him back. But he would never dare to take the risk and spoil things again. "I really needed that."

"So did I." Thor said in a chuckle. "Your laughter is like music to my ears." Thor said without realizing what he had spoken. He froze, afraid Loki would interpret it as a kind of advance and giggled nervously. The teenager had looked a bit surprised at first but then a mischievous grin developed on his lips.

"Now _that_ was truly romantic!" Loki said with a devious smile. "Never knew you had a poet hidden under that thick skull of yours." Thor barked a laugher, mostly amused by Loki's witty answer than actual relieve.

"It's your fault. You are the one always reciting literature stuff." Thor playfully accused. He watched amused and curious as Loki sat straight on his chair and cleared his mouth by emitting a small cough, his hand in a fist in front of his face.

" _For most of us, there is only the unattended_

_Moment, the moment in and out of time,_

_The distraction fit, lost in a shaft of sunlight,_

_The wild thyme unseen, or the winter lightning_

_Or the waterfall, or music heard so deeply_

_That it is not heard at all, but you are the music_

_While the music lasts."_

Loki eloquently recited and gave a triumphant look at his friend.

"Okay, now you are just making fun of me. Did you actually know that one by heart?" Thor asked with unbelief. Loki nodded proudly and giggled afterwards.

"Had a poetry battle with Fandral yesterday." The raven-haired man admitted with an impish glint in his eyes. "It's from TS Eliot. It's about how fleeting life is, but it's exactly this fleetness that makes certain moments the more special, the more beautiful and the more memorable." Loki said and Thor understood he was referring to this right moment.

"Loki Frost, you are truly a memorable person. And I am honored to be your friend."

"As I am to be yours." Loki said with a grin. "Now, what about us finding a room?" The teenager mischievously said, while an eyebrow arched playfully.

"Stop it!" Thor said while he laughed.

"We could invite Captain for a threesome." Thor lost it at Loki's final punch line and had a tremendous fit of laughter, almost falling back with his chair and laughing even the harder. Loki was in tears from the fun and the pain in his belly.

"Shit, let's pay the bill and get out of here before we are expelled." Thor managed to utter between his laughter, while he stood up. After he paid, Thor grabbed Loki, who was still giggling insanely and they exited the café, heading home, while the rest of the customers stared at them with amused expressions.

…

Thor's eyes felt heavy and his body felt numb. Somewhere in his sluggish mind, a thought told him it was still way too early and probably still the middle of the night. Yet he felt it again. The gentle shake on his shoulder, followed this time by a whisper.

"Thor?" The blond's eyes shot open when his mind suddenly woke up at the recognition of Loki's voice. He quickly sat up and discerned Loki's face under the moon's light.

"W-What is it? Are you alright?" Thor asked worried, his voice deeply hoarse.

"No." It had to be truly bad for Loki to admit he was not alright. Besides, it was the most helpless answer Thor ever heard his friend give. Without thinking, the blond pushed the teenager so he was forced to sit beside him.

"What happened?" Thor asked, his heart beating frantically, his belly contracting, his nerves dominating all his senses.

"I don't know…I just – feel horrible. I-I think I'm having a panic attack." Loki blurted in between gasps and started hyperventilating. Thor quickly pushed Loki close to him in a tight embrace, desperate to protect him from his own demons. "My chest hurts – maybe I'm having a heart attack." Loki spoke in a terrible scared voice and Thor gently shushed him, while he brushed his hair.

"There's nothing wrong with your heart, it's the anxiety that's causing the pain." Thor whispered close to Loki's ear, as his friend rested his head against his shoulder. "Breathe normally…easy…I've got you Loki, I've got you." The blond coached. He could hear the shaky breath against his shoulder, the strong grip of nails digging painfully in his skin. Loki was so troubled that Thor could sense his uncontrollable fears. But slowly, the teenager's breathing mellowed, until he breathed normally and his desperate grip loosened. Yet, he kept holding Thor closely.

"It's gone." Loki whispered after a long while. "I'm sorry I woke you."

"Shhh. It's okay. I'm not bothered. You can wake me up anytime." Thor whispered back and gave a chaste kiss on Loki's hair.

"Thank you." Loki honestly thanked. The blond smiled and relished the manner Loki's body came even closer to him. "Can I – Can I stay with you tonight?" Loki hesitantly asked and Thor heard the tone of fear in it. "Please?"

"Okay." Thor said unsure and Loki sensed his unease.

"I don't want sex – just…just hold me." Loki said in such a broken voice that Thor though his heart would shatter from all that pain. He gently guided Loki to lay next to him, both refusing to release the other, their embrace never breaking. Not a single word was added afterwards.

Loki shifted softly until he was comfortably attached to Thor's body, one leg wrapped around the blond. As much as Thor wanted to please his friend and give him the affection Loki needed right now, he couldn't help his body. He cursed internally when his heartbeat accelerated and blood heated up under his skin. Thor became too self-conscious of their closeness and his body suddenly longed for Loki's. He tried to force his mind to wipe away any physical desire for the younger man. But they were too close. Loki felt pleasantly warm and soft wrapped around him. His warm breath played with his skin, brushing it teasingly. His natural scent was wonderful and enticing. Before he could help it, Thor became hard.

He didn't dare to move and inch and held his breath. He stiffened completely and awkwardly waited for the moment Loki would say something. Because there was no way Loki didn't feel his erection. And yet, the raven haired man remained silent and he didn't move at all. Thor closed his eyes and swallowed dry. He felt trepidation as minutes stretched slowly by. He was sure Loki was still awake, because his breathing was absolutely silent. None of them dared to move, not even a bit. They remained quiet, holding each other close for what felt like an eternity. And then Thor felt the slight change. Loki's muscles around him relaxed, his hand on his back grew numb and his breathing became deep and rhythmic. Thor released a soft sigh of relieve. But he envied his friend. Because Loki was fast asleep while he was wide awake and with a painful erection that refused to go away.

….

Thor flinched at the loud sound of an incessant ringing. He recognized his alarm clock and opened his eyes in an effort to understand why there was a weight on him. His eyes immediately met Loki's sleepy face, partially hidden under the great mass of untamed curly locks. The younger man was leaning over him and apparently, murdering his alarm clock, as he hit it several times before the device finally silenced itself. The raven haired man let himself fall back on the bed next to Thor with an annoyed groan.

"Good morning." Thor said and Loki greeted him in some strange unintelligible language. He sounded upset and his eyes were covered by his arm. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yes." Loki then lifted his arm to look at his friend, his eyes looking heavy. "You?" Thor nodded, but he had only slept half the hours he should. Perhaps his friend read the lack of sleep in his face or maybe it was the memory of Thor's previous night's arousal, because Loki sat up with a guilty expression. "I won't bother you again, I swear."

"Loki, it's okay." Thor assured him while he too sat up to level up with his friend.

"It's not fair for you – you don't need – you shouldn't need to deal with my problems." Loki said in a distressed manner.

"Loki. It's okay. Really!" Thor repeated while he rested his hands on Loki's shoulders and put some pressure in his fingers to give his friend some assurance. "I am not bothered. Do not worry with me. I'm fine. But you, my friend, unfortunately are not. I want to help you. You understand? Please, Loki, allow me to help you."

Loki gave him a broken smile. He chuckled probably to hide his watering eyes and then, after a small hesitance, he put his arms around Thor in hug.

"You really are the biggest, sweetest idiot in the whole world." Loki whispered in his ear and Thor smiled at his friend's gratitude. "I don't know what I would do without you."

Thor chucked dazed at his best friend's unusual affectionate display. Since classes started, the gap of distance between them seemed to grow abysmally, as the younger man acted more coldly and bitter by the day. But after Thanksgiving, since the truth about his family history was revealed, Loki's emotional side seemed to be awakened. Loki had never been this open before, perhaps only when he was a little boy, when life was still simple.

The blond was sure Loki's secrecy during all those years had been slowly consuming him. The teenager had probably ignored his own afflictions for so long and repressed his distressing feelings so well, that he became a vessel of swirling and clashing turbulent emotions to the point they overpowered him. Thor was sure there were days Loki could not think or act straight anymore and the smallest thing was enough to detonate an emotional outburst, whether it was sorrow or rage.

But now, things were changing. Slowly, painfully, but progressively and for the better. The fact alone Loki didn't feel like he had to hide anything from his best friend must have lifted an enormous load from him. And now that he finally dared to expose himself to the blond in his complete vulnerability, he was starting to learn to ask for help. Above all, he was learning to receive it. Against all Thor's expectations, Loki revealed to be a desperately loving person. One he was absolutely adoring. Without thinking he gave a kiss on Loki's head and felt his friend stiffen a bit. He pondered to kiss him again but a new ringing was heard, this time coming from the younger man's room. Loki hastily released himself and Thor noticed his cheeks were pink. The teenager awkwardly moved away.

"My alarm! Better turn it off. And get ready." He said while paced with his back to the door, looking absolutely embarrassed while the color on his cheeks increased. "Don't want to get late for class." He nervously added and quickly turned around to exit Thor's room. The alarm was turned off and a strange silence filled the house. The blond stared at the door Loki had just exited with an amused smile on his face. He never had seen his friend this embarrassed before. And realized. He was enjoying this new side of Loki.

 


	24. Jane's confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

Breakfast was awkwardly silent. Loki and Thor took small glances at each other while they ate, shifting their gazes back to the plate every time their eyes met. Both felt uncomfortable, and yet, both craved for the other's company. Thor knew Loki had felt his previous night's erection; just like Loki knew Thor knew he knew it. Both were terribly self-conscious of the situation and none knew what to do. So they opted for the silence, waiting desperately for the other to say something and save them from this strange awareness. But neither Thor, neither Loki dared to utter a word about it. They were equally taunted by fears, reminded about how horribly bad things went the last time they mingled sex in their friendship.

Thor longed desperately for Loki. He wanted to kiss all his worries and sorrows away. He wanted to pleasure Loki to the point the teenager would forget all his tribulations. He wanted to protect his friend, care for him and give him everything Loki needed to smile again. He wanted to hold him close and never let go of him again. And whisper him words he knew his friend would treasure till the end of his days.

Loki craved desperately for Thor. He needed to drink Thor's kindness, drown in his smile, feed in his loving blue eyes. He needed to tell Thor how much his heart craved for him, how much his heart screamed for him. He needed to tell the blond he loved him for already a very long time, a love that only grew stronger by the day, making him happy, hurting him insanely. He needed Thor to know how much he was treasured.

But words were never uttered and eventually both friends headed to college in separate ways. They avoided each other during the day and the evening, locking themselves in their own rooms. But during the night, Thor was woken up by an extremely distressed Loki, who begged practically in tears to stay with him. The blond read the terror in his friend's eyes and worried greatly with Loki's mental health. He allowed the raven haired man in his bed and did not miss the way his friend avoided physical contact from their hips down. If Loki once had done everything to seduce Thor, now he avoided it by all means. Thor wondered if it was because of fear, respect or something else but knew it did not matter right now. Because Loki was having another anxiety attack. The sophomore decided he was talking with Coulson first thing in the morning.

…

Coulson had refused to give his patient any kind of medication against depression and anxiety attacks. Thor had been wild and revolted, describing the man how horrible these attacks were, how Loki's nerves were consuming his friend. The younger man was sleeping little, eating little so he was tired and weak all the time. Loki was surely having concentration problems in his classes and study. His mood shifted in such a speed, from cheerful to sad to apathetic that it was frightening. But Coulson was unwavering in his decision. He explained Thor that Loki's current emotional state would contribute greatly to the dangers of addiction. Besides, Loki would depend so much in the medicine's soothing effects, his own progress would be jeopardized. So Coulson refused to give any kind of pills. Loki would have to overcome his fears by himself.

That night Thor was already awake when Loki entered his room. It was the repetition of the other previous nights and this time the blond decided to make an agreement with Loki. Until the attacks would stop, the younger man was authorized to lay down next to him. This way Loki was spared the embarrassment and guilt of having to wake and beg Thor every time he had an episode. So that was exactly what the teenager did. Every night, around 3 a.m, Loki tiptoed to Thor's room and climbed the bed as silently as possible. The blond usually sensed his friend's presence. In the nights Loki was more distressed, he would ask if Thor was awake, needing to hear his voice, hold his hand and rest his head against his friend's shoulder to feel protected. In the nights Loki was less nervous, he did everything not to disturb his friend's sleep. Thor would then move lazily on his bed, and shift so he was facing Loki. The younger man would then spend long minutes staring at Thor's sleeping face in the dark, his chest warming up from overwhelming love until he too would fall asleep.

…

A week passed slowly by, in which the two best friends lived in this new routine. They had wordlessly agreed to keep this night's habit secret from the others, because it was such a strange and uncommon situation, nobody would understand. They themselves didn't quite understand it either. They both didn't even know how to begin to explain what _that_ was all about. All they knew was that they grew comfortable with this new closeness, which they were both becoming quite attached to. Mainly Thor was having problems with this situation.

Every day he felt more divided. By now he was sure he was in love with Loki. And he was quite positive it was very mutual. But he still liked Jane and feared to hurt her. Since Thanksgiving he had been spending less time with her and he had already canceled plans because of keeping company to Loki. Also, since the teenager's first anxiety attack, Thor never spent another night with Jane, because he didn't dare to leave the raven haired man alone. Up to now, the young woman had been nothing but understanding and listened patiently to Thor's worries about his best friend. But even Jane had her limits. And she reached them on Friday evening.

Thor and Jane were having dinner together. Loki was the weekend away because of his little niece's birthday, so Jane had hoped Thor would forget temporarily about his friend's problems and they would make up for the lost time together. But while Jane chatted endlessly about her world of stars and comets and galaxies, she noticed the blond was distracted.

"Am I boring you?" Jane asked and Thor blinked like if he was woken up from some reverie.

"Uh? No, no, of course not, Jane." The blond cheerfully said but he noticed the angry frown on Jane's beautiful features.

"Were you even listening to me?" She asked and although she had her voice low, Thor could hear the annoyance in her tone.

"Yes, of course Jane." He sheepishly said.

"Oh really? So tell me, what was I saying?" Jane demanded while she straightened her back.

"Uuuuuh…"

"I knew it!" Jane said upset and threw her napkin next to her plate. "Let me guess! You were thinking about _him_!"

"What?"

"Loki! You were thinking about him, weren't you?" Jane finally questioned and she read the guilt spread in her boyfriend's face. And it hurt. Badly.

"I'm just worried…"

"Oh, do shut up!" Jane brusquely cut Thor's words. He stared rather surprised at her and not happy at all with her uncharacteristic harsh tone. "Look, I understand you are worried about him. And I do think it's good to care for a friend, it's just lately... it's like Loki is becoming more and more the center of your universe. All your thoughts, all your time and energy seems to go to him and him alone!"

"Jane, please…"

"No! I'm tired about your excuses about Loki's instability!" Jane said revolted. "He has a family and other friends, doesn't he? Why don't they help him for a change? Why does it has to be you all the time?"

"Jane, you're being unfair! Loki is a complicated…"

"I'm being unfair?!" By now Jane was fighting her tears back. How could she had not seen it before? All this time, it was so clear, so evident, so obvious. She had noticed long ago and yet she had chosen to ignore it. "Please Thor. Be honest with me. What are truly your feelings for Loki?"

"I…" Thor sighed heavily and rubbed his chin nervously. It broke his heart to watch Jane's first tears run down her pretty face. She knew. He wondered for how long, but she knew. "I have recently realized that I – that I'm… in love with Loki."

Thor finally confessed and it felt strange to spell out the words. To finally vocalize the feeling that had been growing inside of him. He felt relieved, although he knew it was wrong, because his confession was killing Jane. She tried to conceal the flash of pain that crossed her face, while her fears were confirmed. She covered her mouth to conceal a sob. The blond felt really sorry for her. And he noticed some people in the closest tables were already starring at them. "I… There is nothing between us. I swear it!"

Thor lied. He had not the heart or courage to tell Jane about his one-night stand with Loki, or the nights they had been sharing lately, even if they had no sex involved, they were intimate, very intimate. Jane took a deep breath and then cleaned the tears from her eyes.

"Did you ever love me?" Jane asked with a broken voice, while she struggled to maintain her composure.

"Yes." This time Thor told her the truth and Jane believed him, which made things even more painful. "I'm sorry." He said and Jane nodded, while she swallowed a sob. She looked defeated and hurt, but she seemed to somehow understand and accept the blond's honest reply. The young woman struggled to talk during some seconds, opening and closing her mouth when no words came out. When she finally felt a bit of her strength return, she finally stood up.

"Goodbye Thor." It was the only thing she managed to utter, her voice chocked, new tears already spilling from her eyes.

Before Thor could say anything, she rushed out of the restaurant. He remained there, standing and staring at the spot he last saw Jane and sighed. He looked around and noticed some people uncomfortably glancing away. He decided to walk to the counter and pay the bill there. It had been awkward enough to have a break up, but have witnesses only made matters worse. While Thor walked back home, his thoughts whirled around poor heartbroken Jane. He felt sad, but mostly he felt guilty. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Jane. Thor entered the empty apartment. Loki would only return on Sunday. This would be a long weekend.

…

Loki entered the apartment and when he walked to his room he suddenly halted.

"Thor? You, already home?" The raven haired man asked surprised when he saw his friend sitting by his desk.

"Eh, hi. You're early." Thor greeted and Loki immediately sensed a tension around him.

"Are you all right?"

"Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be?" Thor said too cheerfully and his friend instantly knew he was lying. He crossed his arms and gave the blond his typical sceptic look. The blond sighed. "Okay, I'm not that fine. But I am okay." Loki's eyes shrunk a bit as he obviously wasn't buying it and Thor cursed internally. He wondered if it was possible to hide anything from Loki.

"Okay then…" Thor said defeated, knowing sooner or later he would have to speak. Yet he hesitated a few moments. "Jane broke up with me."

"What?!" Loki sounded truly shocked, obviously not expecting to hear that and Thor wondered what his friend's perception about him and Jane was. And about them and their unconventional recent habits. "I mean…Why? I thought things were so perfect between you two."

"Well, we have been distancing from each other already for a while." Thor said a bit sorrowfully and Loki shifted on his feet a bit awkwardly, sensing he was the cause of the distance. Although his heart was beating in a frenzied manner and all his cells were celebrating silently, he still felt bad for Thor. The blond looked really down.

"That's, ehm, that's too bad." The teenager said a bit embarrassed and Thor noticed his uneasiness. Of course the younger man had already figured out what happened.

"Hey. Maybe it's for the better. At least I won't have to hear my father complain about her this Christmas." Thor tried to shake off the tension, but all Loki did was give him a small smile. So he decided to change the subject. "How was Violet's party?"

"Oh, it was truly brilliant!" Loki said with a mischievous smile, feeling absolutely relieved with the new conversation topic. "I was burdened with glorious purpose. Had to entertain a bunch of toddlers with children's books while their mommies and daddies were busy gossiping about dippers and baby food. And when the books proved to be insufficient I was forced to rely in my imagination."

"Haha! I bet they loved you!"

"They adored me, of course. I have officially a horde of mini-followers."

"It's good you had fun. What about the nights?" Thor asked concerned. Loki looked uneasy again.

"Let's say my brothers had short nights. Worse part is that I told Helblindi about Coulson's aversion towards medicine and he agrees with him. I have no idea how I'm supposed to overcome these anxiety attacks. It's like my body has a time bomb and it triggers every night at the same hour!" Loki said frustrated.

"Talk after tomorrow with Coulson about it again. Insist in it. If he doesn't want to give medicine, he should at least tell you what to do to calm down."

"Yeah! And when he asks how I have been dealing with this problem I'll just tell him I've been jumping into my best friend's bed every night!" Loki angrily said. "Oh, what choice do I have? He probably will figure it out anyway." He murmured upset afterwards. "Damn guy seems to have the ability of reading people's thoughts."

"You've been doing it since children. It's nothing new or to be ashamed of." Thor tried to reassure.

"Yes it is. It's embarrassing and it's weird." Loki said while his fingers travelled his hair. "And it's a bad childhood habit." He added and Thor had no reply, for he knew friend was right, as much as he wanted to believe otherwise. "I hate living like this, having no control over my own mind and body!"

"Maybe that's the problem. Maybe you want to control too much."

"Thor, I wake up every night scared at I don't know what or why and then I my chest starts hurting and I can't breathe. Are you suggesting I just allow my organs to shut down?"

"Don't be silly. Your organs are not shutting down! It's all in your head."

"If it's all in my head then explain me why does my body feel pain?"

"I don't know. You really have to ask Coulson." Thor concluded with a shrug of his shoulders and Loki sighed tiredly.

"I guess that's what I'll do." The raven haired man said not pleased, but knowing he was out of options. He picked up his weekend bag from the floor. "Well, I need to read some stuff. I have a mid-term exam tomorrow and didn't look at it the whole weekend. I'm telling you, the toddlers are to blame."

Thor smiled at the last comment after Loki left his room. He dwelled a while about the things his friend had just told him and suddenly realized. Loki had spontaneously spoken about his problems to him. He had opened himself without being asked or forced into it. The teenager had not only admitted he was scared, vulnerable, insecure, but he did it without any shame. He had truly gotten things off his chest. The blond was overjoyed by the revelation and Loki's slow progress, which the teenager probably didn't even notice. He was amazed with how therapy was changing his friend's behaviour for the better. He was now more than confident Coulson would have a solution to Loki's anxiety's problem.


	25. Let in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

Tuesday came and if Thor thought the last therapy session had been hard on Loki, then today's had been even harder. Loki exited Coulson's office looking terrible. He was extremely pale, his eyes and nose pink from a recent crying fit. His shoulders hung tiredly and Loki looked exhausted. Their eyes met just for moments and the raven haired man's gaze was shaken and traumatized. Thor stared at the door, hoping Coulson would appear like he did the last time and at least give him a hint about what was going on, but this time it did not happen. He was so worried about Loki that this time he didn't succeed in hiding his concern.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything?" The blond asked while his hands rested on the slightly shorter man's shoulders. Loki averted his eyes and his face twisted from pain when he shook his head. He gasped before he managed to talk.

"Don't want to talk…to think, just…" It was a plea, a horribly desperate plea. Thor's right hand shifted to Loki's neck and the younger man finally connected his eyes with the blue ones. The blond gave him a worried compassionate look that seemed to break Loki completely. The sophomore was surprised the teenager resisted the urge to cry, because he seemed to be in the edge of it. "Just want to go home. Please, just take me home."

"Of course." Thor whispered calmly and silently guided Loki to exit the room.

…

That night Thor couldn't sleep. Whatever happened during today's therapy must have been so painfully confronting that it drained all his best friend's energy. Never had Loki behaved this depressed before. Never had Loki acted so in need for physical contact as today. When Thor's hand had released the teenager's back, he acted frantic and ended up gripping on his arm with such a force, it was like if his life depended on it. By the time they reached the apartment, Loki was glued against Thor, like if his slender body needed support. When they entered the living room, the raven haired man switched on the TV and dropped himself on the couch. During the few minutes Thor hung their coats and got a soda from the refrigerator, Loki had already fallen deeply asleep. The blond was more than ever worried with his friend. Even sleeping soundly, Loki looked tired.

Thor had felt guilty to wake up his friend two hours later for dinner, but he told himself Loki needed to eat as much as he needed to sleep. He was surprised there was no kind of resistance or complaining and Loki actually ate his plate empty, which was a rarity these days. Although he remained gloomy, the teenager did eventually engage in a conversation with Thor, in which the blond picked neutral subjects, mainly stuff he saw in the news. Loki remained down at all times and the blond wasn't surprised the younger man went to bed early. And now, during the high hours of the night, Thor's mind couldn't rest. Worrisome thoughts kept swirling around, reflecting on the effect the therapy sessions were having in his friend. He did believe they were necessary and he did see some progress in Loki, but he found the process was becoming too painful and too torturous. If only Loki would talk.

Thor was in the mist of his stressful thoughts when he heard soft steps behind the door and knew Loki had woken up with another anxiety attack. He didn't move when his friend climbed into his bed in the quietest manner, almost unnoticeable. The blond felt the ghost of Loki's touch, as he carefully sought his hand and held it in his. Long silent minutes stretched themselves in the darkness and suddenly Thor picked a change is his friends breathing.

It took him a while to realize Loki was crying. It was almost inaudible, but the older man could hear the irregular gasps and sobs escape his friend's silent lips. Thor could sense Loki's affliction in the way his fingers nervously intertwined around his. Without thinking Thor shifted his free hand to caress his friend's face and his fingertips found the moisture resting on the soft skin. He felt Loki freeze and for moments his soft weeping halted. Then the blond gently wiped the tears away while his thumb caressed the cheek. Loki released a loud sob and his breathing became even more irregular. The blond shifted closer so their foreheads touched and he could feel his friend crumble as quiet sobs travelled up his chest and escaped in gasps. Thor moved his head, his skin rubbing gently against Loki's face. He planted a kiss on the forehead. Quiet and tender. He planted a kiss near the eye. Soothing and lovingly. He planted a kiss on his lips. Cautious and sweetly.

Loki gasped, inhaling deep and hard, like if the air around him was too thin. Thor kissed his lips twice and thrice. Small little perks. And then Loki kissed back. Not sweet and tender like Thor, but hard and with power. With desperate longing. Shaking fingers caressed Thor's face with a surge of need. But fingertips barely connected with the skin, like if Loki feared he would burn them. Thor, responding to his friend's needs and fueled by his own untamed desires, gave more power to the kiss. He cupped Loki's face in his hands while his tongue begged for entrance. Loki departed his lips with a shaky breath.

The temperature increased suddenly between them. The raven haired man kissed hungrily, demanding more, needing more. He pulled Thor closer to him while he wrapped his limbs around the strong body. The blond gave exactly what Loki needed. He kissed and touched him with soothing fire and wild tenderness. A moan filled with lusty longing escaped the younger man's throat. The blond kissed, licked and nibbled the skin under the jaw, down the neck till the collarbone. He felt Loki tremble under him, his breathing frantic, his hands uncoordinated, his hips dancing. Thor wanted Loki to feel his hardness. To know he wanted to give him what he needed. So he moved to lay fully on top of the teenager, pressing his heated erection against Loki's.

"Oh God, Thor!" Loki moaned in a breathless gasp when he felt the erection against him. "Thor!"

Loki was trembling from the built up desire. His shaky hands grasped Thor's T-shirt and pulled the material up, removing it. The blond did the same with Loki and both almost lost it when their chests met and skin connected. The kissing was maddening, like uncontrolled fire, filled with nibbles and licking. Their fingers dug in their skins, marking them with pink lines drawn by their nails. Loki released a crazed moan when Thor licked his navel and the skin around it and couldn't take it anymore. He clumsily pulled down his pajama pants and underwear all together and shamelessly undressed Thor too. The blond pressed his body completely on top of Loki, his weight increasing the contact, their warmed up naked bodies already sweating from the need and the desire.

"Thor! I need you, Thor!"

Loki moaned afflicted, wrapping his limbs possessively around his friend's back. Their hips moved synchronized against each other, adding friction to their hard erections, while they groaned in response of their heated bodies. The teenager found Thor's hand and guided his fingers to his narrow entrance. The blond kissed fiery and teased the opening by inserting only the top on his index, moving it in and out, stimulating Loki's already excited body. The teenager arched his back with an uncontrolled choked moan, his feet pressing hard on the matrass while his hips travelled up and down. His response had been so wild that Thor couldn't hold back his want any longer.

"Go on your knees." He whispered and the raven haired man obeyed without hesitance.

While Loki pressed his hands and knees on the bed, Thor switched on the table lamp and ruffled on his bedside table's drawer until he had found a condom. He placed the rubber around his warm hardness and looked at Loki's perfect back and butt. The blond rested his large hands, each on a buttock, making the younger man gasp. He massaged them, departing them to dive in the valley and licked Loki's entrance. Strenuous gasps of anticipation were heard while the older man prepared Loki. Thor inserted his finger, digging deeper in the sensible channel, his tongue moistening it. Loki moaned from pleasurable discomfort and his hips reacted willingly when the second and the third fingers filled his warmth and stretched the narrow tunnel. A happy yell escaped his throat when the fingers were replaced by Thor's large and heated erection, filling him completely with its strength.

The desire was too strong to be controlled by any of them. Their movements were frenetic, erratic, untame. Hungry by lust, Thor pounded in and out, pulling his erection out till only the top of its red head was still inside to shove it back all the way in, with mad force, abusing Loki's soft spot again and again. The younger man yelled from both pain and unbearable excitement, his own manhood swollen and fully grown against his belly. The fire repressed for weeks inside of them was aggressively released and they both burned in sweaty pleasure.

There was nothing sweet or tender in this mad dance of desire. It was rough, ferocious and it was wonderful. Loki's voice became hoarse from the loud moaning and his body couldn't keep up with Thor's indestructible stamina. Sensing his climax nearing, Loki's arms and legs gave in and he collapsed on the bed, screaming unintelligible moans. Thor adjusted his legs, taking a firm hold on the younger man's hips. His tongue greedily tasted the salty sweat on Loki's back before his resumed his banging.

Loki's voice was the most enticing music Thor ever heard. He pounded energetically, one hand on Loki's hips, the other pressing his head against the matrass, his fingers digging on the damp hair. Thor bended over to kiss Loki's face, before he straightened up and banged him mercilessly. There was moisture on the raven haired man's face as well as on the sheets under him. The temperature rose unbearably. The flames of passion burned Loki crazily. His fingers grasped the sheets with great force. Loud screams of pleasure escaped uncontrollably his lips while he reached the peak of his excitement. Thor rode a while longer until he, with an ungracious grunt, came undone and felt his body release an abnormal amount of seed.

Panting wildly, he carefully unmounted Loki and laid next to him, feeling completely exhausted. Blue eyes searched for Loki's jade green and found them partially hidden behind black curly strands, glued against the damp face. The younger man was still panting and his eyes were piercing Thor's. The blond noticed tears were still escaping his best friend's eyes and suddenly felt guilty for the savage manner he acted during their ecstatic moments together. Carefully, he pulled the hair away from Loki's face and cleaned the tears resting on his cheek.

"Did I hurt you?" Thor asked concerned. Loki's eyes watered even more at the question, but there was a smile on his still swollen lips. "I'm really sorry, if I did!" The blond apologized nervously. Thor watched the way his friend lifted his body a bit so he leaned over him, while he shook his head.

"No." Loki's lips whispered very low. Tears cascaded down the rosy cheeks and met Thor's skin when Loki bent forward to kiss him on the lips. "You didn't hurt me."

He said between the sweet kisses. A gasp followed and Thor felt completely confused, because there was a chuckle mingled with new fresh tears. He couldn't understand why Loki's weeping wouldn't cease. He rested his hand on Loki's face and shifted so the weight of his body forced the teenager to lay on his back. The blond kissed him tenderly.

"Why are you so sad?" Thor asked in a whisper.

"No, not sad." Loki said with a beautiful smile and Thor finally smiled too, as his worried heart eased a bit. He still stared confused at his best friend who was now looking at him with such an adoration, he thought his heart would burst. "No." Loki whispered again and put a strand of blond hair behind Thor's ear. "I'm happy. So very happy." The blond smiled relieved at that wonderful phrase combined with the perfect smile. He kissed Loki's lips with need and a thumb caressed his face. The teenager released a gasp when the kiss was broken. Their eyes met again and green shone like precious stones. "I love you." Loki moved his head to seal his confession on Thor's lips. The blond kissed back with desperate want, his heart speeding up.

"I love you Loki." Thor confessed in a shaky breath and a happy chuckle escaped Loki's lips. The blond smiled tenderly, while the last tears escaped the green eyes. He finally understood that not all tears were bad. For these expressed sheer joy and adoration. He smiled broadly. "I love you."

He repeated, the words never sounding so right, so perfect as now. Loki released a small giggle before their lips met again and engaged in a warm and sweet caress. Their arms wrapped around each other and they broke the kiss. Loki rested his head against Thor's shoulder, breathing in his natural scent and planted a chaste kiss under his jawline. The blond smiled with his eyes closed and perked Loki's face, near his eye. "We should have done this earlier."

"We did, remember?" Loki lazily whispered, while he nuzzled his nose against Thor's neck. The blond grimaced slightly at the memory.

"I mean, between that one time and now." The older man specified. Loki merely hummed in concordance. "It was stupid of me to leave you."

"Yes, it was."

"I was scared."

"So was I, Thor." Loki shifted so he was half leaning over the blond. "You let me after we…" The raven-haired man chocked at his own words and swallowed dry afterwards. Thor looked guiltily. He could read the hurt mingled with anger in the green eyes. "You have no idea how long I have wanted you to want me. And when I thought we could actually have something, you just left. That really hurt! I-I felt like… used and cheap. Like garbage!"

"I'm so sorry." Thor apologized, while he lifted halfway his body, his hand searching Loki's neck. "It was so stupid of me! I was so confused, I had really no idea what to do or say. And then when I wanted to apologize, well, you proved to be quite stubborn in accepting it."

"I guess you have the bad luck I'm the revengeful type." Loki whispered with a shy smile. Thor could see behind the jade gaze, the younger man had already forgiven him. But for the blond, that wasn't enough.

"I will never forgive myself for that. I never intended to hurt you. I allowed my fears get the best of me, but back then I didn't understand – and…Ah, I ended up screwing things completely."

"You shouldn't chastise yourself like this. The past belongs to the past." Loki calmly said, while he rested his hand against Thor's and bended his head a bit to the side, to intensify the warm feeling on his neck. "Just, never do that again."

"I swear, I won't! I will never leave you again. In any circumstance!" Thor promised, while he pressed his forehead against Loki's.

"Never? Hum…That is really a long, long time." The raven-haired man said in a mocking tone and a playful smirk on his lips.

"I'm not kidding, Loki. You are important to me. You always were. It just took me a long time to realize that." The blond honestly confessed. He wished he was better in his wording, because he had the impression that he couldn't verbalize not even a quarter of what was going on in his heart. But his words did reach the teenager. Loki's heart warmed up, the heat spread on his chest, giving the butterflies in his belly. "Now that I finally understand, I'm not letting go. I want to be with you."

Loki didn't say anything to Thor's declaration, but his sincere wide smile of happiness translated everything. He moved his head to kiss Thor softly. He gently wrapped his arms around the blond's neck, while he shifted his body to come closer to Thor. The sophomore understood his companion's silent reply, because he knew they both felt the same thing for each other. They kissed for long, their tongues leisurely engaged in a slow dance, tasting their love, brushing their lips, sealing wordless pledges. Thor sat up and pushed Loki against his chest, forcing him to move and sit on his lap with his legs wrapped around his back. He broke the kiss so he could continue tantalizing his best friend with touches around his earlobe, under his jawline, tracing soft hungry kisses on the neck and collarbone. Loki gasped at the wonderful sensations, sometimes pulling his head back, exposing his neck fully to Thor's skilled lips; sometimes giving his partner an equal share of kisses and nibbling.

They professed their love for one and other, repeating the sacred words in whispers between kisses and gasps. This time, their hands moved on the skin unhurried, enjoying the soothing velvet touch under their fingertips. Their bodies left them breathless and craving for a deeper connection. Soon, Thor and Loki were rocking in a quiet gentle dance, their hips moving rhythmically to the sound of heavy breathing and a sporadic deliciously soft moan. If they had just crazed aggressive sex; this time it was slow and tender. This time it was truly love-making.

Their bodies and minds were connected to their hearts and the easy dance intensified every sense, every touch, every feeling. The need to feel grew unbearable and Loki calmly guided Thor to lay on his back. The blond watched enthralled as his best friend, his lover, mounted him in a steady rhythmic, his hips moving back and forward with ease, allowing Thor's erection to slide unhurriedly deeper into his body. When their minds were at the edge of losing control, when their bodies seemed to want to explode, Thor thrusted deeper and harder under Loki, making him jump on top of him. The raven-haired teenager had to grasp on the bed's headboard tightly because of the sudden increase of speed on Thor's pacing, to keep on his balance. The blond pulled his head back while he released a heavy grunt when he accomplished. He opened his eyes breathless and panting wildly to see Loki with his eyes shut tight, his expression change from pained to absolutely relieved and happy, while a loud moan escaped his lips. The teenager's hips still moved for some moments, relishing the last reminiscences of his climax.

Green eyes finally met blue and Loki smiled happily, knowing Thor had just witnessed his orgasm. The blond grinned equally blissful, but also proud for giving this much pleasure to his best friend. Never had he thought he could satisfy him in this manner. Loki finally lowered himself, to lay fully on top of his companion. They shared the air, while they kissed still panting. The younger man rested his head on Thor's shoulder and closed his eyes.

"That was really good." Loki whispered, earning a gratifying kiss on his head. "We should do this more often."

"We will." Thor whispered and his friend released a small chuckle of satisfaction.

They remained quiet in this warm embrace for a long time. Thor could sense Loki fading away into sleep. The teenager snuggled against his body, his nose rubbing against his neck with a satisfying sigh. Thor was sure Loki fell asleep right then. He remained a long while awake, relishing the warm feeling of his best friend's body against him and smiled. He couldn't remember feeling this happy before.


	26. Breakdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters.

It had been three days ago that Thor and Loki confessed their love for each other. It had been a while since Loki felt this blissful. Actually, he couldn't remember the last time he felt this happy. It didn't bother him at all when Thor had admitted he wasn't prepared just yet to tell their friends they were a couple now. Loki knew this was all very new for the blond. Above all, he knew Thor truly loved him. Loki had seen it. It was unmistakable. During their love making but also during the quiet moments they shared together, Loki simply could see, could feel, could sense that Thor's heart truly belonged to him. This thought alone made the raven-haired man smile spontaneously. Loki had learned to be patient with his best friend. He had waited long years for Thor to notice him. He had waited weeks for Thor to admit his feelings for him. He could wait a while longer for the blond to announce their romance to the rest of the world.

It had been quite unpredictable and surprising how the unhappy events of last Thanksgiving became the catalyzer for the two best friends to bond in a manner they never did before. Loki had done always everything to protect Thor from the awful truth, fearing his friend would lose that easygoingness and joy he always desperately craved for. Loki often thought he survived through Thor, drinking his happiness like a flower that drinks the sunshine and the rain. The teenager was absolutely surprised to notice, despite Thor displaying feelings of concern, he continued giving him that cheerfulness he so much longed for.

Against all his expectations, Thor managed to give him the needed support and be strong for him at the same time. Loki bit him tongue in realization he never gave enough credit for his best friend. For many years, his mind had been shrouded by fears and blinded him from the obvious reality. Lies never had protected him. There was so much pain he could have avoided if only he had had the courage to tell Thor the truth.

The raven-haired man smiled softly at the thought that, despite everything, Thor had forgiven him and had focused all his energy in helping him. He had expected Thor to be angry with him for being kept in the dark. He had expected Thor to accuse him for putting himself in this situation. Above all, he had expected Thor to look at him with pity and despise for his weakness. Instead, Thor did the exact opposite. And for that alone, Loki's heart warmed of joy.

If Loki once feared Thor to be compassionate and protective about him, now he desired nothing else. The last therapy session had been the real eye opener for him. It had struck him with the truth mercilessly. Loki was forced to face his fears and admit he was vulnerable and he not invincible, like he preferred to believe. He did not have the strength to swim against the strong currents anymore. He could not stand alone anymore. Because he was falling. He was always falling. He had been falling already for many years, in a dark endless pit of misery and despair. He needed somebody to catch him. And that somebody was Thor. It always had been Thor.

…

Thor sighed for the thousandth time. Sif gave him an irritated look that mean for him to cut it off. They sat in the library doing research for motivational methods in adolescence psychology. The blond hated writing essays, finding the whole process as boring as hell. He could think of one thousand different things to do instead and none would be half as dull as sitting the whole afternoon between dusty books and old shelves. Right now, he could not think of a more pleasant activity but that one of lying next to Loki, breathing in his wonderful scent, holding him close and listening to his gentle voice. He smiled while he turned a page without reading the letters and thinking he was addicted to his best friend. His lover. He flinched when his phone started ringing loudly, interrupting his pleasant thoughts. He quickly picked it up, before any of the other students would start making silence signs at him. He furrowed his brow when he didn't recognize the number.

"Hello?" He spoke in a whisper.

"Thor? This Býleistr. Are you with Loki?" The blond widened his eyes at the urgent tone in Loki's brother.

"No, he's not with me. Is something going on?" Thor asked. Sif lifted her eyes alarmed at the anxiety in her friend's voice. He was already standing up.

"When was the last time you saw him?" Býleistr asked, the fear in his tone all too present. Thor could hear a lot of interference in the background and figured out the man was driving.

"This morning. Býleistr, what is going on?" Thor pressed on, marching out the library. Some students were staring at him angrily, others shushing him, but he ignored them. Sif picked up their stuff and hurriedly followed him. The moment she heard the man's name, she knew something was up with Loki.

"I tried to call him but he's not answering!" Býleistr sounded this time panicked and Thor could feel his heart jolt from dread.

"For goodness sake! Tell me what's going on!"

"Our mother - She sent us all an email telling she and father are getting divorced. She wrote they didn't divorce earlier because of Loki. They wanted him to be of age when they did." Býleistr quickly said. "Thor, you know my brother. He's going to blame himself for everything that's been going on all these years! I'm afraid he might do something stupid!"

"I'll go looking for him." The blond immediately said.

"I'm already in the highway. I'll be there in about 45 minutes. I've called Helblindi too, but he's unavailable now. He's at the hospital in the middle of a surgery. He has no idea. I left a message for him."

"Okay. I'll call you when I find him. Don't worry. Loki will be fine." Thor said and he could hear the faint _thank you_ from the other side of the phone. He ended the call and immediately started dialing. "Sif, call Fandral and ask him if he's seen Loki."

The dark-haired woman nodded, without questioning. She understood enough from the little she heard that Loki was in trouble. Thor looked hesitantly at his phone and sighed deeply. He dialed and was truly surprised it was promptly answered.

"What do you want?" Was the unpleased and hostile answer from the other side.

"Jane! Have you had classes with Loki today?" Thor hurriedly asked while he stepped outside, followed by Sif, his eyes scanning the surroundings.

"N-No. I don't have History today." Jane said truly surprised. She never had heard that tone of fear with a hint of panic in Thor's voice. Otherwise she would have scolded him for calling her. "I haven't seen him all day either. Is something going on?" Jane asked worried. Sure she blamed Loki for the end of her idyllic relationship with Thor, but she still felt concerned for the teenager.

"Something happened and I'm afraid he might get himself hurt." Thor explained, feeling his eyes water.

He cursed internally for Loki's bad luck with his family. Truly, Farbauti was the least sensible person walking on Earth. The raven-haired man was finally cheering up and getting out of his permanent depressive state, due to their new relation. But he was still a long way from being better. He still ate too little, slept too little. He still had anxiety episodes during the night and the pressure from college was added in his list of problems. To receive this message in this manner from the own mother, now it was an understatement to say it was a blow. Thor feared this to be too much for his friend.

"I'll see if others have seen him. I'll call you if I know anything about him." Jane ended the call before Thor could even answer. His ex-girlfriend was obviously as worried as he was now about Loki.

"Fandral had lunch with him." Sif said, while she put her phone in her pocket. "He said Loki was fine. He saw him for the last at two o'clock, when Loki went to Graphic and Digital Design. He's heading to the classroom now, it should be almost over."

"Where?"

"B2-045."

…

**45 minutes earlier**

Loki finished his _Graphic and Digital Design_ assignment way too quickly and yawned bored. This was too easy for him. He felt a small thrill in his right pocket and took his mobile out. He had a new message in his mailbox. He opened it and saw it was his mother's. As he read the written words, his heart started pounding in a fast rate. His stomach sunk, his head became light and dizzy. Green eyes scanned the words over and over again, reading and rereading the short message, needing to be sure he was reading correctly. A wave of indisposition swept all over his body. He could feel himself become warm and cold at the same time. Without thinking, Loki picked up his stuff and practically ran out of the class. He didn't even notice he mumbled something to the teacher about needing to get away.

His mind was a blur. He could not think straight. All he could think was that it was all _his_ fault. He breathed too fast. He had no idea what to do. Where to go. All he could think was that he _never_ should have been born. His legs acted at their own accord and Loki ran down the hall, ran through the grass field, ran down the road. His vision was blurry, his ears were deaf. He could not perceive the world around him. Everything had become a great mass of forms and colors. There were no sounds. Only his thoughts telling him it was all _his_ fault. That he should _never_ have been born.

…

**The present**

Thor and Sif rushed through the campus and were half-way to B2 building when Sif's phone went.

"Have you found him?…Where coming your way….okay." Sif spoke hastily, Thor's heart was bouncing madly inside his chest, hoping Loki was still in the class. She ended the call and fastened her pace. "He's not there. The teacher said Loki left the class in a hurry about half an hour ago." Thor's heart sunk. Loki could be anywhere. He could feel panic start to swell in his chest, having no idea where to go and look for him. Soon, he saw Fandral running in their direction.

"Will you tell me what's going on? Is he in trouble?" Fandral asked, staring bewildered at Sif and Thor.

He had been in the middle of a class when Sif called him and had stormed out the room right afterwards. He knew by the woman's tone something serious was going on. But when Loki's teacher told him he had left in a hurry, looking quite disturbed, Fandral instantly knew something really bad was going on. Thor recounted quickly what Býleistr had told him in the phone.

"What kind of parent announces a divorce by email?" Fandral asked shocked. He could not imagine a more impersonal way of passing this kind of news to anybody, above all, family.

"The one that implies that all the family's problems are the blame of the youngest son in one short message." Sif wisely pointed out, cleverly placing the pieces together. "He must be devastated." A heavy silence grew as all the three of them had the same thought but none dared to speak it out loudly. Loki had never been the same after Thanksgiving. He had was so fragile that they feared Loki would do something dangerous to himself.

"You two go to the apartment. He might have gone back home. And try to call him meanwhile. I'll get my car and drive around and see if I can find him. I'll make some phone calls to see if somebody has seen him recently." Fandral quickly said and both Thor and Sif were thankful for his fast reasoning.

They took off in opposite directions. Thor and Sif ran towards the apartment, while the blond dialed Loki's number over and over. Nothing. Nobody picked it up. As minutes stretched up, Thor grew more and more scared, terrified something horrible might have happened to his best friend. His heart jolted a few times from anticipation when they reached the apartment and he clumsily unlocked the door, his hands trembling from dread. As soon he opened the door, they shouted their friend's name with no response. They searched the living room, the bedrooms and finally the bathroom. Both froze at the entrance.

Sitting on the floor was Loki, with his back against the wall. His head was slightly bent, his face paler than usual with dark lines on his face that denounced he had been crying. Thor gasped and rushed to Loki, crouching beside the teenager. He rested his hand on his friend's neck. Loki's skin felt cold and, weren't for the fact the raven-haired man blinked once and a while, he would have thought of him as dead. He called Loki several times while he shook his shoulders slightly, but had no reaction. Loki had entered in some kind of strange passive trance, his gaze was empty, staring at nothing.

"His hand." Sif said. Only then did Thor notice the blood on Loki's right hand. He lifted and saw there were several cuts on the skin around the hand and fingers, but none seemed to be deep. The blond lifted his head to look at Sif, with an expression of pure concern and fear. Sif met his eyes and then shifted her gaze to the mirror of the medicine cabinet. It was broken, shattered and glass had fallen on the sink. There was some blood on the broken glass and sink. "He needs first aid."

"I-I don't have a kit here." He said in a cracked voice. Sif nodded in understanding.

"I'll call Fandral. I think he has one in his car." Thor heard Sif step away from the bathroom and listened to her voice talking to Fandral far away.

"What happened to you, Loki?" Thor sadly asked while he pushed away a strand of black hair. There was no reaction, only silence, the regular blinking of the eyes and the rhythmic soft breathing.

…

**30 minutes earlier**

Loki climbed up the stairs to his apartment panting wildly, while the world around him spun more and more violently. His head hurt, his chest hurt, his legs hurt. Loki closed the door behind him, ran to the toilet and vomited his lunch. He cleaned his mouth with the back of his hand and flushed the toilet. He stood up with shaky legs and supported both his hands on the sink, while tears hit his skin. He panted. He shut his eyes. And then he screamed. All the pain that was bottled inside of him was released in one stressful scream, his whole body shaking from the violent emotions. He silenced, panting a bit and lifted his head. Loki met his reflection in the medicine cabinet. He stared back at the pale young man with stained eyes. He stared at the face of a broken being. A monster that brought nothing but misery in his world and the world around him. And he hated _it_. Because it was all _his_ fault. He _never_ should have been born.

In an act of pure rage, Loki punched the creature that stared back at him, breaking the mirror. He hissed as the glass cut his skin in several places and watched with trembling hands as the blood drippled from the skin. He saw some small pieces of the shattered mirror on the sink and picked one up. He stared at its sharp edges, touched it with the tip of his index. He moved his right hand, guiding the pointy glass to his left wrist. The blue veins were so visible under the thin white skin. It would be so easy to cut the skin open. Two small cuts from up to down. He pressed the point against its skin. A little bit more pressure and the skin would break and would bleed. And then all would end soon. No more pain, no more suffering, no more sadness.

_Thor._

Loki dropped the piece of glass back on the sink.

_Thor._

He took a step backwards. In his mind's eye he saw Thor find him lying dead on the tiled floor under a pool of blood. Loki gasped shocked. He saw Thor shaking his shoulder and caressing his face, begging him to wake up. Panting while thick hot tears ran down his face, Loki took a few more steps until his back hit the wall. He saw Thor's heartbroken look in his eyes.

How much misery would he bring to Thor? How devastated Thor would be? He could not do it. A wave of helpfulness invaded his heart. He could not live. He could not die. He was trapped in his own purgatory of sorrow. There was no way out. No hope, no joy, no courage. He had fallen and finally hit the bottom of his very own abysm. And nobody was there to catch him. Loki's legs gave away and his back slip down the wall until he sat on the cold tiled floor and cried his heart out.

…

**The present**

"How are we going to wake him up from whatever state he is in?" Fandral asked worriedly.

Sif had treated Loki's cuts after Fandral brought the first-aid kit. Then the three friends helped Loki to his bedroom so he could lie on his bed. They were extremely concerned with his general unresponsiveness. He didn't react when he was called. He didn't react when Thor shook him and slapped his face gently. He didn't react when he was dragged him to his bed.

"Best we wait for his brother and then bring him to the hospital." Sif said. "It's like he's in some kind of trance."

"God, he really has a shitty family!" Thor complained while he brushed his fingers nervously in his hair. "He's been so unstable and depressed lately and then _this_ has to happen!" He suddenly froze and placed a hand in front of his mouth.

"Thor, are you okay?" Sif asked noticing he was in the verge of tears.

"He was alone." Thor finally managed to utter in bitter realization. His friends stared at him silently. "He was alone when he read that fucking message and now he's – he's…like this!" The blond stood up looking nervously infuriated and ignored the way Fandral and Sif moved away from him in alarm. "I mean, she couldn't have sent that stupid message in the morning when I was with him, or during lunch when you (Fandral) were with him! No! She just had to send it when he was all alone and had nobody to help him when he needed the most!"

"Thor, please calm down." Sif cautiously asked. "You're panicking."

"I'm panicking? Have you seen the state he is?! H-He's lethargic, for God's sake!" Thor yelled upset while gesturing at Loki. Sif was about to reply when the doorbell again. Thor went to the door and met an older version of Loki.

"How is he?" Býleistr asked in a gasp. Thor had of course called him after finding Loki. He was quite sure the man had cried in the phone from relieve. Yet, it was clear the older sibling was still absolutely stressed out, because he looked like shit.

"He's in some kind of shock. He reacts to absolutely nothing." The sophomore said, while he guided Býleistr to Loki's bedroom. The older sibling practically ran to Loki and sat next to him on the bed. Thor watched a few moments Býleistr brush the younger man's hair with his fingers while he whispered calming words. He switched worried looks with his friends and they headed to the door wanting to give space and privacy to the brothers.

"Býleistr?" Loki's voice was suddenly heard, weak and fragile. Thor and the others froze at the door and looked back to watch Loki slowly sit up, his eyes locked in his brother's. "Býleistr, you're - here?" It was quite heartbreaking to hear that meek and scared voice; the vulnerability and plea in the question. Thor heard the warmth in Býleistr's voice.

"Yes, little brother. I'm here. I've got you."

Loki's green eyes fixed themselves in his brother's gaze and watered immediately. He held his older sibling in a desperate embrace and instantly started sobbing. Thor and the others hastened to exit the room, knowing they didn't have the right to be in there.


	27. Catch me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

Býleistr held his brother close, caressed his hair, kissed his head. The last time he had seen that frightened look in his sibling's eyes, Loki was still a small child, scared of monsters that haunted him in bad dreams. But when Loki was a little boy, a few hugs and kisses were enough to calm him down. Býleistr knew his young brother was going to need much more help and comfort than he ever received in all his life. He closed his eyes while he rocked Loki back and forward like when he was a small child. Býleistr listened with an aching heart at the miserable sobbing. Loki's weeping translated his distress and anguish. It was the howling of his heart.

"It's all my fault!" Loki managed to blurt between his sobs. "Býleistr, it's all my fault!" The teenager gasped, needing air in his irregular breathing and felt his brother press him even closer against his body while he gently shushed him. "If-If I wasn't born - father and mother would have divorced long ago! F-Father wouldn't have gone drunken and violent. Mother wouldn't have gone depressive. You would s-still have contact with them! You would still spend the holidays with them! If it weren't for me, you all would have a normal family!"

"God, Loki, no! That's not true. It's not your fault! It never was!" Býleistr whispered in his brother's ear, hoping his voice could soothe his sibling's pain. "Don't you ever blame yourself! It were _their_ decision. Not yours. _They_ are to blame. _They_ are the ones that ruined everything. You listen to me. It's not your fault."

But Loki shook his head in disagreement and repeated his words over and over again. Býleistr continued cradling him and countered Loki's lament with his comforting words, hoping some of its meaning would reach Loki's deafened ears. But the teenager listened not and instead sounded like a broken record player playing the same song again and again.

Meanwhile, in the living room, Thor was calling Coulson.

"You told me to call you if things would be bad. Well, things just got really bad!" Thor quickly said after the psychologist answered the phone and he retold what happened (with the help of his friends who filled in the gaps). "He's having some kind of nervous break-down. He didn't stop crying since his brother arrived…I think a quart of an hour ago…what, you're kidding, right?! What are we supposed to do…oh, that's really helpful!"

Thor turned off the phone and turned to his friends looking livid. "He said it's a good thing he's releasing years of accumulated stress and that it can take hours! And he said to do nothing because he has everything under control."

"What that supposed to mean?" Fandral asked and Thor shook his shoulders.

At that moment they all turned to the wall surprised and alarmed. Something had changed in the sorrowful sound. Loki wasn't just crying anymore, he was now screaming. He clearly had shifted from mood because now he was shouting horrible accusations at his brother.

Just a few minutes ago, Býleistr was doing his best in comforting his brother. He kept repeating the same words over and over again in soft whispers.

"It's okay, I'm with you now. It's okay."

Somehow his words suddenly triggered something in Loki. Pale green eyes widened greatly as the words echoed madly inside his head. Old memories invaded his mind and unleashed pains that were buried in the depths of his heart for too many years. Images of his brother moving out when Loki was still a child, his visits shortening, his absence becoming the more frequent with the passing of the years, until he retuned no longer to their parent's home. Býleistr had missed many important phases and moments of Loki's life because of his conflict with their parents. And suddenly this recollection revolted the younger sibling.

"You are with me _now_?" Loki asked in a heavy choked gasp. He slowly pushed himself away from his sibling's embrace and faced him. Býleistr saw the clear eyes darken, while thick tears jumped from them at free will. Loki's face was contorted from anger. "Y-you are with me _now_?!" He repeated louder and this time the fury was evident in his voice. "W-Where were you last Thanksgiving? And last year's Christmas? Where were you, Býleistr?!"

Loki questioned breathless and Býleistr tried to mumble an answer without success. He knew once his little brother was irate, there was no way coming in between. "Five years! You never came during the holidays during . !"

By now Loki was shouting furiously in the top of his lungs. "Do you know how that feels? For me and Helblindi having to make up excuses for you all the time! You-You think we enjoyed putting a happy face when we hated being there with father and mother?! We wished we could do like you and run away too, but we didn't! We tried to keep this stupid family together while you ran away like a coward!"

Loki's words hit Býleistr painfully, but the older man knew the teenager had the right to be angry with him. He knew Loki was suffering for everything that had gone wrong in this dysfunctional family. He knew how much Loki loved his brothers. He knew how Loki had missed him since early. Býleistr wondered if _selfish_ wouldn't be a better word choice. Because he had lived years without feeling guilty for his choices. His only regret was the way his decisions affected his siblings. The way they affected Loki. So he allowed the younger man to shout at him. He knew Loki wasn't thinking properly. He knew later on Loki would apologize for his harsh words. He knew they would find an understanding again. But for now he allowed Loki to release the repressed anger, throw away all the hurts and pains. Býleistr did nothing and listened the accusations with an ache in his heart.

"You left us! You left _me_! You just moved away and broke ties with me!"

Loki's words seemed to echo in the walls and a dreadful silence filled the house. Býleistr was pretty sure his brother's friends had heard every single word, but he didn't care. This was Loki finally telling him the truth. Thoughts he had been keeping to himself all these years. Hiding from the world through lies. And now they were finally in the open. Loki hid his face behind his hands and released a few sobs, crying violently again as the pain had become too great to hold back. His body contorted from the emotional torment and he laid at his side, in a small ball, crying and lamenting unintelligible words.

Býleistr rested this hands on the younger sibling's back and laid down next to him, attempting to embrace him again. The teenager resisted weakly and ended up allowing his brother to hold him close to his chest. Despite the pain and the anger, the closeness and warmth emanating from Býleistr's body comforted him, made him feel safe and cared.

"Loki, I never broke ties with you!" Býleistr calmly refuted. "I know I stopped coming for Thanksgiving, Christmas and even during your school holidays. But you must know it wasn't because of you. I couldn't deal with father and mother. I didn't know how, so I chose the easiest path, although I must admit, it was probably not the right one." The older brother paused to see if Loki was going to refute or if he was listening. The teenager was silent and only once in a while a gasp escaped his lips. "But you must know I love you dearly. My door was always open for you. You do remember the days you spent during the holidays and summer vacations at my place?"

"You still left me." Loki meekly accused and Býleistr smiled knowing Loki was calming down and recovering his sense.

"I went to college, just like you. And then I got a job. It is how life goes on. I didn't leave you behind." The older man listened his brother take deep breath. He grimaced when a sob escaped Loki's trembling lips.

"You-You went on with your life and I-I was stuck with - with them. Knowing I was an- an accident, knowing they never - never wanted me!" The teenager said between his sobs, the pain and sadness still heavy in his words. "I know I ruined everybody's life…"

"Oh no, no Loki. Do not keep doing this to yourself." Býleistr urged in a chocked voice.

But it was useless. Loki had returned to the self-loathing laments and there was nothing Býleistr could said to calm him down. The older brother felt his eyes water and he cried silently as he listened to the sobbing and the unfair words that Loki told himself. He bitterly realized the younger sibling had sunken in a deep depression already a very long time ago. His heart contracted and grew cold knowing Loki had needed help and professional guidance for years already. Loki had hid his suffering so well, had fooled their parents so well, that he allowed himself to be completely swallowed by his own dark thoughts.

…

The doorbell rang and Thor wondered who it could be this time. It was an understatement to say he was surprised to see Natasha Romanoff standing opposite him with a small smile on her lips.

"Natasha? How did you know where I live? Why are you…"

"Coulson." Was all she answered while she entered the apartment without an invitation.

"Yeah, why don't you come in, make yourself at home." Thor mumbled sarcastically and Natasha turned three quarters around, her confident smile never dying.

"Very funny, Thor." She continued walking, greeted the others, headed to Loki's room and entered it.

"Who are you?" Býleistr asked when he saw her and sat up.

"A friend." Natasha merely said. "I would like to be alone with him for a while."

Býleistr looked at Loki. He was still lying on his side, his eyes were open and slightly widened but he was silent. More like he was frozen. But then he looked at Býleistr and silently nodded in agreement. Perplexed with his brother's sudden silence, the older man stood up, headed to the door. He didn't leave his eyes from the redhead until the exited the room. He entered the living room looking pale and tired. There was an uncomfortable silence and everybody avoided to look at him. He knew it was because they heard Loki all the time. He ignored their awkwardness.

"Is she Loki's girlfriend?" Býleistr asked confused pointing Loki's room with his thumb over the shoulder.

"No." Thor answered uncertain what to say. "But they have a special connection."

Býleistr nodded still perplexed but apparently accepting the answer. He sat down. His head was pounding and his insides turning. He closed his eyes and heard nothing. Loki was finally quiet. And he wondered, what was this girl's secret to handle his young brother.

…

Natasha stared at Loki with a serious expression, walked to the bed and laid opposite Loki so they were facing each other. They remained quiet for a long while. They didn't move or say anything. They just lied opposite each other in silence, their gazes locked. Loki thought it strange, the effect Natasha had on him. The moment she entered his bedroom he felt calmer. With no single touch, with no single word, Natasha managed to do what nobody else could. Her presence alone was enough to mellow him down. Silenced tears slipped Loki's eyes. In normal circumstances he would feel extremely embarrassed to show weakness to anybody. But today he simply didn't have the strength to care about humiliation. He didn't have the energy to pretend anymore and hold his pain back any longer. Besides, he knew he could not hide anything from Natasha. While the world struggled to unravel his complexity, to Natasha Loki was as transparent as a glass. Strangely, he didn't feel threatened by this fact, instead it offered him a sense of security. Because Natasha didn't judge him. She understood him. She gave him the space he needed and forced him into nothing.

"Why does it hurt so much?" Loki finally broke the long silence.

"Because you love your parents." Natasha answered, limiting herself to the facts. She never said too much, and yet she managed to say everything "They love you too. They just don't know how to show it. But this you already knew." Loki nodded while he swallowed painfully.

"I'm so tired. Of everything." He said. "I wish I was…I wish I could sleep and only wake up when all this was over. When the pain is gone."

"You'll sleep. And when you do wake up, the pain will still be there. But it will be less."

"What if I don't have the strength anymore?" Loki asked, her answer being far from comforting. He swallowed a sob and his breathing fastened as a wave of panic swept over his body. "I-I don't know…I can't…"

"Shhh." Natasha whispered and rested her hand on Loki's. She watched him close his eyes and focus in his breathing. He squeezed her hand in his like if he needed the reaffirmation that she was there with him. "You are tired. Rest your eyes."

Loki remained with his eyes closed, his eyebrows furrowed from the distress, his grip on Natasha's hand strong. But eventually his face and grip relaxed. His breathing stabilized. And he fell in a deep slumber. Natasha removed her hand, sat up but remained a while looking at Loki's sleeping figure. Her eyes were soft and she smiled from both compassion and pride. She knew Loki was stronger than he believed himself to be. But he still had a long way to go to crawl out of the dark pit he got himself in. Loki looked tired even in his sleep. But at least he was resting. The redhead wiped a forgotten tear from under his eye, kissed his cheek and exited the bedroom.

…

"He's sleeping" Natasha declared while she entered the living room silently. Thor and Býleistr immediately stood up, more as a reaction than anything else.

"Thank God." The older brother said in a sigh. "I was scared something like this would happen, after Thanksgiving. Loki's been boiling up emotions for too many years already." Býleistr said in a frustrated tone. "I should have insisted more so he would talk, but he is so stubborn."

"He's quicker to be unable than unwilling to talk." Natasha coolly said.

"And what do you know about Loki? Who are you anyway?" The dark-haired man demanded in a nervous manner. It was obvious that what was happening to his younger sibling was affecting him greatly.

"Forgive me for my rudeness. My name is Natasha Romanova. I follow a class with Loki." The redhead elegantly introduced herself, a soft smile in her lips that made her look both formal and kind at the same time. Býleistr shook hands with her, a little polite smile forming in his lips, but wariness was still evident in his eyes. "I have my ghosts of the past so I understand Loki in many ways. I know what he is going through because I've been there too, years ago."

All faces looked at the redhead with expectancy, hoping she would finally unravel some of her mysterious secrets about her past. Natasha smiled knowing what they wanted. She wouldn't give it to them. "All Loki needs right now is support, time and love. He is very strong. He will recover soon." She stated with an undisputable determinacy that it was difficult not to believe her. Natasha graciously turned on her heels and headed to the door.

"Are you leaving already?" Thor asked.

"My work here is done." The Russian said. She opened the door and was about to exit the room, but turned to face Býleistr one last time. "Coulson said it is crucial Loki continues going to his therapy sessions."

The older brother nodded and Natasha smiled before leaving the apartment. A heavy silence filled the room, the three friends and Býleistr lost each one in their own thoughts.

"I am taking Loki to my home when he wakes up." Býleistr suddenly said, breaking the solemn silence.

Sif and Fandral nodded in understanding, both obviously agreeing this was the best thing for the young man. Thor released a mute deep sigh. He knew Býleistr's reasons. Loki was always happy to be with his brother, especially after his little niece was born. He knew Býleistr's wife was a caring and patient woman and her quiet manners would certainly help soothing Loki's nervous system. But it pained him they would have to be departed.

"How long?" Thor asked and tried to hide the heartbreak in his voice.

"As long as it's needed. I will bring him for his therapy, though." Býleistr looked directly to Thor. "Tell me, do you think it's helping him?"

"Yes. It's very hard, though. I don't know what Loki and Coulson talk about but he returns from the session quite shaken. But he is changing. He's more open. He doesn't really talk about his feelings but he is not afraid to ask for help anymore. He doesn't hide or push away anymore." Thor honestly answered.

"I guess that's some progress. "Býleistr said and looked a bit thoughtful. "Loki always depended quite a lot on you. If you would like, you could come to my house in the weekends. It might help and cheer up Loki a bit more."

"I would love to. Depending of course in what Loki wants. He can be quite unpredictable sometimes." Thor said while his heart beat a bit faster from both hope and despair.

"He sure is." Býleistr said in a chuckle, the first real smile since he arrived. "Helblindi sent me a message. He is trying to get a day free tomorrow, so he can be with Loki a while too."

"It's good you three have a good relationship." Fandral said in a lighthearted manner.

"Yeah. I guess that's what happens when the parenting sucks." Býleistr said in a slightly amused manner. "We ended up seeking each other." He said the last part in a thoughtful manner and sounded more like he was talking to himself.

"Well. I guess there is nothing else we can do." Sif said while she stood up. "I really must go. Have some things to do. But if you need anything, please let me know."

"Same for me." Fandral said as he stood up. "It was a pleasure meeting you, Býleistr."

"Just wish we met in better circumstances." The older man said in almost apologizing manner but Fandral dismissed with a charming shrug. They shook hands, Sif followed her friend's example and after they paid their goodbyes, they left the apartment. Thor and Býleistr fell in a contemplative silence afterwards.


	28. Miss you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

Býleistr sat on a chair while he watched his young sibling sleep. The older man's temple was a bit furrowed, his eyebrows slightly knitted in concern. Even sleeping, Loki looked tired and troubled. The house was silent, so he could listen clearly to his brother's regular breathing, the only thing that calmed him down right now. He could also hear Thor ruffling in the kitchen as he prepared dinner. Býleistr wasn't hungry at all and knew Loki wouldn't want to eat either once he woke up. But he had not the heart to reject Thor's invitation, just like he knew not eating was a very bad thing to do right now, even if the appetite was non-existent. His eyes widened a bit expectant when Loki shifted in his sleep. He made a soft sound and slowly opened his eyes.

"Hey." Býleistr whispered, while he caressed his sibling's forehead. "Did you have a good rest?" Loki didn't speak but nodded. The older brother's heart contracted at the way Loki looked exhausted. "You woke up just in time for dinner." He cheerfully said. The teenager made an ugly face at the mention of food and hid his face against the pillow. Býleistr ignored this. "And afterwards, I'm helping you pack up your stuff. You are staying with me until you feel well enough to return to college." The older brother waited patiently for a response, but it never came. Loki was silent, with his face still buried in the pillow. Býleistr wondered if he had fallen back to sleep. "Loki?" He asked unsure, but then his brother shifted again. He seemed to gather all the energy so he could sit up. He nodded. "Good. Where's your bag?"

"Býleistr?" Loki called in a hoarse whisper.

The older man, who had just stood up, looked at his brother a bit worried and sat back on the chair. He was surprised when Loki moved just enough to meet him and rested his arms around the older sibling's shoulders. It was many years ago, since the last time the teenager showed this kind of display of affection and Býleistr slowly wrapped his arms around his little brother's back, his heart crying both of hurt and love.

"You are going to be okay. I swear." Býleistr whispered and wondered if he was telling this more to reassure himself rather than his brother. "You will be okay."

…

It had been heartbreaking for Thor to watch Loki leave. The raven-haired teenager hadn't spoken one word during dinner. He ate a little as commanded, just like he followed Býleistr without question when he stated it was time to leave. It was like if all life had been sucked away from Loki and left him numb. Thor was desperate to receive one look, one gesture, one small sign that the younger man would miss him, would need him. But he received nothing.

The blond accompanied the brothers to the car and it was only when Býleistr was putting Loki's stuff in the trunk that Thor felt a shy warm feeling against his hand. He looked at Loki and found his green eyes. Filled with sorrow, filled with need. A small smile. And the ghost of fingertips against his skin vanished while he walked away and entered the car. Býleistr thanked Thor for the thousandth time, but he didn't hear. His heart was cracking. He was being teared apart. The car drove away and the blond was left behind in the uncertainty of this being a goodbye or a promise to see each other soon.

…

Thor slept badly that night and the following one. He almost expected to sense Loki enter his bed around three-thirty. He stared at his mobile wishing Loki wouldn't call, but wanting him to call. And wondered how his friend was. He had received nothing but silence from the Frost family and he also didn't have the courage to call them. He was scared to bother the brothers, or to sound like he was prying. Most of all, he was scared to hear he wasn't needed or wanted anymore. This silence was torturing him, so in the second day, Thor sent Loki a message.

_How are you?_

Seconds stretched mercilessly and transformed quickly into minutes. But after three torturous minutes, he received an answer.

_A bit better_

Not much but it was better than nothing. At least Loki was still talking to him. This gave Thor hope. He sent another message.

_I miss you_

This time it took longer to receive an answer. Thor's heart almost jolted at the peep his mobile emitted.

_And I you_

_Very much_

Thor smiled and released a breath he didn't even notice he had been holding back. A happy smile spread on his face. He sent a new message.

_Can I call you?_

It took almost ten minutes before Loki send him a message.

_Please don't_

_I want…._

_But I can't…_

_I'm sorry_

Thor sighed concerned. He could just picture Loki staring lost at his mobile, trying to decide what to say, what to write, what to do. The blond just realized how badly Loki was broken.

_It's okay. I understand. Whenever you are ready. Just let me know. I will wait for you. It's a promise._

This time a response came almost immediately and Thor beamed at the message.

_Leave a message in the voicemail_

_Want to hear your voice_

_Please_

Thor knew exactly what Loki needed, what he wanted. To listen about daily stuff, cheerful subjects, things that reminded nothing about his stupid family and depression. So he left a message in the voicemail. He told Loki how his day was, how some teachers were driving him insane. He told him about Tony Stark's latest crazy stunt in the cafeteria, when he brought an empty iron suit that was supposed to obey to commands through his voice. He knew Loki would laugh with his accurate account about an uncontrolled robot crashing against tables and chairs, food flying everywhere while people fled screaming startled while Stark kept saying coolly everything was under control and there was no need for panic. The iron suit then flew against the ceiling, cracking it and finally fell with a thud on top of a table, after breaking some windows.

Fifteen minutes later there was a message on Thor's mobile.

_Thank you_

…

During several days, Thor would leave a message in Loki's voicemail whenever something silly happened and whenever he felt like sharing something with his friend. He avoided telling Loki how much he missed him, how much he wanted to see him again, how much he hoped he was getting better. And every time he would receive the same short but blessing message.

_Thank you._

On Friday evening, though, his heart was aching for company. Býleistr had told him he was welcome to come in the weekend, which he desired greatly, but he needed Loki's consent.

"I really would like to see you. Can I come over this weekend?" He asked in the end of his voicemail message. It took ages for Loki to answer and Thor started regretting for putting out the question. After half an hour the mobile finally beeped.

_I'm sorry. I truly miss you. I just can't. Not now. Not yet. I'm really sorry._

Thor text messaged immediately telling Loki not to worry. That he understood. That he didn't want to force him into anything. And received the usual message.

_Thank you_.

Thor smiled sorrowfully and rubbed his temple tiredly. Then the mobile beeped again. He picked up wondering what Loki wrote this time. Immediately his heart warmed up and he cheered silently.

_I love you._

…

It was strange to know Loki had a therapy session but that he wasn't the one accompanying him. Instead it was Tanja, Býleistr's wife, who took the task. She was sweet enough call to Thor later on just to let him know Loki was well but still quite shaken. The blond wondered if it was her own initiative or if Loki had asked her for it. Thor sighed deeply while he walked back home alone. The knowledge he would enter an empty apartment just made him feel lonely and miserable. His friends kept asking him how Loki was and he was not sure what to answer. So he told them the truth. That Loki was incapable of talking at the moment and needed time.

That night Thor was, as usual, wide awake. He turned to the side for the thousandth time, trying to shut his mind of Loki. Then his mobile started ringing. His heart jolted of dreadful anticipation. He looked at the clock while his hand reached the mobile. 03:24 a.m.

"Are you okay?" Thor immediately asked. There was a short silence, but he could hear Loki's breathing.

"Did I wake you up?" Was the gentle whisper from the other side. Thor smiled painfully at the sound of his beloved.

"No. I couldn't sleep." Thor said in a chuckle

"I miss you." Loki whispered again, a hint of pain in his voice. "I miss you so much. I-I wish you were here with me." Loki said in a shaky breath.

"Shhh. Easy, Loki. I am. I am with you." Thor tried to soothe his friend.

"I wanted to talk with you…I couldn't. Every time I picked the phone…I don't know…I just couldn't."

"It's okay, Loki. It's okay. You just needed some time."

"It's not fair for you. You've been so patient…I hardly can believe you are this patient." Loki said the last part half surprised, half amused and Thor barked a laughter.

"I guess I'm finally growing up."

"How was your day?" Loki asked.

"Normal, I guess. You should have seen Fandral today…" Thor started but Loki cut him.

"No, Thor. How was _really_ your day?"

"Really _really_? Thor asked after a few seconds of hesitation. Loki was finally taking the step to talk. But still, the blond needed to be sure.

"Really _really_."

"Okay…Boring, lonely, empty. I can't stop thinking about you. I want to be with you. Support you. Comfort you. Love you." The blond honestly replied. There was a shaky breath from the other side. A long silence. He could just imagine Loki struggling to say something, opening and closing his mouth in cruel hesitance. "And you? How was your day?"

"Dreadful." Was the chocked answer after an eternity of silence. "I'm hating Coulson more and more after each session…He makes me think about things and don't want to think. He makes me talk about things I don't want to talk. Things that hurt really bad, Thor. But I know…I know now, that I need to talk about…about them."

"That's good, right?"

"I think so. I can understand things better. Starting to see in a different perspective... And my brothers are really helping me."

"I'm glad to hear that." Thor said with sincerity and felt himself relax.

"Thor?"

"Yes?"

"Could you come over tomorrow?" Loki asked unsure. "I-I know you have classes, but I…" Loki didn't have the chance to finish his sentence.

"I'll come! And if anybody asks, I'll just tell them I'm sick." Thor quickly said, his heart already bursting from happiness.

"You would do that for me?" Loki said in a chuckle, sounding animated for the first time since they talked.

"For you? I would do anything." Thor said with a huge smile and he was sure Loki could hear it.

"Talk a little while longer?" Loki asked and Thor heard a yawn behind his words.

"I'll talk with you all night if you want." The blond cheerfully said and he received a satisfied hum from the other end. Thor talked about his day, about ordinary stuff and listened to Loki's soft hums until his friend made no sound anymore. After making sure he recognized Loki's sleeping breathing pattern, he turned off the mobile and closed his eyes. He fell asleep shortly after, with a smile plastered on his face.

…

Thor rang the building's doorbell and sighed nervously. He had easily found Býleistr's apartment's building and had just send a message to Loki letting him know he had arrived. There was no answer from the intercom but he heard the buzzing sound of the door being unlocked. He entered and climbed up the stairs.

"Thor?"

The blond looked up and saw his best friend's beloved face. Loki was looking at him from the stair rail above. The younger man looked visibly happy and expectant to see Thor again and the blond thought his heart would burst from joy. So he ran the last steps, while Loki descended some and they met midway. Without thinking, Thor tugged the slender teenager by his waist, pulled him closer and kissed his lips in a passionate greeting. His heart accelerated when he felt long fingers clench against his shoulders while Loki pressed his body even closer against Thor. After what some short precious moments they departed and Loki chuckled clearly amused.

"What is it?" Thor asked surprised to see Loki in the verge of laughing.

"Nothing. I just – didn't expect the warm greeting." The younger man confessed.

"Well, I missed you terribly, I'm just so happy to see you again!" Thor sincerely said and he cupped one of his hands on his friend's side on the neck. "I like what you did to your hair."

The blond gained a cheerful giggle and smiled warmly. Loki was apparently letting the shaved half of his hair grow, so he had cut the rest in a shorter model with the hair in front longer than in the back. Loki had left his hair in its natural state, with dark curls shaping his face beautifully. Thor was sure he was going to get used to his friend's new look very easily.

"I was tired of having to shave it every day." Loki admitted, but Thor had the feeling this had more to do with Loki's state of mind. The therapy was changing him. And the changes were reflected in his look. For the better.

"And no guyliner?"

"Too much work. No. Not using that anymore. Unless it's Halloween, of course." Loki said in a joking manner.

"Apparently my little brother has also grown tired of his outfits, because he keeps stealing my clothes." Býleistr's voice almost echoed in the stair hall and both looked up. His apartment was just one floor higher than the one they stood on. Thor wondered how long he had been standing there. He listened Loki giggle amused at his brother's words.

"I like green." Loki said in a chuckle. The older sibling merely smiled, obviously knowing very well _that_ wasn't the reason Loki had been lately avoiding to use his dark clothes.

"You love-birds better come in. I'm sure Thor would like to rest and drink something after the long trip to here."

Thor felt his face grow red from embarrassment, realizing Býleistr had stood there the whole time and witnessed their kiss. The older man smiled while he turned to reenter his apartment. Loki was suppressing a laughter because of Thor's clearly ashamed look.

"Come. At least we don't need to hide anything." Loki blissfully said, while he pulled Thor by his hand. The blond followed him, unconsciously smiling, as he melted at Loki's perfect smile.


	29. Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

There reigned a pleasant warm atmosphere in Býleistr's home. He cooked dinner with the assistance of his youngest brother, so Thor got to spend some time alone with Tanja and little Violet. Býleistr's wife was a very kind woman and talked mostly about her daughter, as she was unable to hide her pride. She also told him about how she and her husband struggled to combine work with family life. She confessed that Loki's presence had been quite a help the past week. He seemed to be quite talented in keeping the overactive girl busy thanks to his creativity while, and in the other side, he could be strict when necessary.

Thor was a bit taken aback when she told him Loki would someday be a good father. The blond had the urge to laugh at the idea, unable to imagine his unorthodox and rebellious friend as a parent. But when he saw the way the teenager interacted with the toddler, he had to agree with the woman. He wasn't quite sure what to think or feel about this, but the association of Loki to parenthood produced a strange fuzzy feeling in him.

The evening went further on without Violet's presence, as the child had to sleep early. The four adults chatted a long while about all kinds of subjects. Thor noticed everybody avoided talking about anything that would be related to the Frost family or Loki's depression. Which was perfect because the raven-haired man behaved lighthearted. He smiled a lot and laughed all the time, especially when his brother teased him.

Thor envied a bit the complicity between them, just like he was a bit saddened with the knowledge he didn't manage to create such an easygoing ambiance at home. There had been a lot of tension between them since college started and it was only after they finally surrendered to their feelings, mutually, that things finally started falling into place. But now Thor doubted Loki would want to return to college any time soon. He was after all completely at home with his brother while college was a stressful environment, especially now that the exams period was nearing. But he shook these unpleasant thoughts away. Loki was giggling again and Thor preferred to drown in his friend's merriness.

…

Býleistr stood up short after his wife. He bended over and whispered something to Loki before heading to his bedroom, which made the teenager blush. Thor himself stiffened completely because, despite the fact the older man had spoken low, he did understand the words. A movie was starting on the tv and Loki mumbled something about it being good, indicating Thor he didn't want to go to bed just yet. The blond nodded silently and stood frozen with his gaze fixed on the tv set for at least the first fifteen minutes of the movie.

Býleistr's words were ringing in his head. _You two keep it low later on_ – he had told Loki. It had been a clear warning and, as much as Thor was dying to touch Loki again, he was too aware now of the fact that he was in somebody else's house, with people sleeping in it. He felt so uncomfortable that he didn't dare to speak, even less touch Loki. Thor noticed by the way Loki moved his chin and his fingers fidgeted slightly on his long sleeve that he too was anxious and embarrassed by his brother's comment.

"Your niece is absolutely adorable." Thor decided to break the silence after what felt an eternity. He couldn't follow the movie's plot anyway. Loki's lips curled up, while he chuckled in recognition.

"She is, isn't she?" He proudly said, his eyes never leaving the screen. "She might be tiny, but she's quite witty."

"I guess it runs in the family." Thor retorted knowingly and Loki stifled a laughter. The blond melted at the way his friend smiled widely and looked at him directly for the first time after what felt like ages. Thor dared to rest his hand gently on Loki's, while their gazes locked. "I missed you." Thor whispered and he read both love and hurt in his friend's beautiful jade eyes.

"And I you. Terribly." The raven-haired man confessed. His look was still tense and unsure with a hint of anxiety, but his eyes were full of want and desire. With a small hesitation, the teenager shifted to the side so he could face Thor better. The blond did not dare to move an inch when Loki came closer, until they were breathing the same air. He closed his eyes while his heart jolted from happiness and excitement when soft lips met his. "I love you Thor." Loki whispered before perking on his lips again. "So much there exist no words to describe it."

Thor released a silent gasp at Loki's confession and kissed him with soft power, wanting nothing else than to express his love and want. He gently wrapped his strong arms around Loki and felt his friend's body relax completely under his tender touch. They kissed forever, unhurriedly, relishing the feeling of being together again. Loki released a shaky breath and kissed greedily, needing to savor every moment and Thor gave more power to their kiss. Their breathing became quicker and irregular as sweetness gave way to heated lust.

Lips were departed, tongues met leisurely. Thor and Loki tasted the almost forgotten flavors, enjoying the warm slippery and wet sensations their mouths offered. They breathed loudly, all moans of excitement silent and suppressed. Býleistr's words still hung in the air. Thor's hands travelled slowly up and down his best friend's back. He could tell by the soft gasps and the happy smiles, the teenager was loving it. He was sure Loki needed to feel cared and loved more than anything else. While they were engaged in this sea of warmth and sweet sensations, Loki's hands followed the lines of Thor's chin, cheeks, forehead. They brushed his hair and teased on the rough texture of the trimmed beard. The blond smiled, having the funny feeling his friend was memorizing his face with his fingertips. After a long time kissing their lips departed. They locked their eyes while they panted softly.

"I love you, more than you could ever imagine." Thor admitted and Loki smiled blissfully.

Lips met midway and refused to be separated again. The movie was completely ignored and forgotten, while the two lovers became hungrier by the minute. Hot licks and teasing nibbles replaced the tender kisses, causing surprised but satisfying gasps, muffed moans and enjoyable chuckles. Hips moved slowly, rhythmically, relishing the closeness, feeding the hunger, stimulating the eagerness. Thor moved his hips purposely against Loki's crouch. He smiled proud when he felt Loki's member grow under him. He kept moving his hips against the growing erection, enticing the younger man's senses, making Loki gasp of satisfied pleasure. The blond licked the line of the pale neck and sensed a shaky breath under him. Loki responded to his advances by pressing his hips against Thor's strong body, increasing the pressure between them. After minutes of a slow torturous dance, Loki freed himself from Thor with a groan and, with a swift move, took the blond's hand to pull him up. He silently guided him to the bedroom, his index between his lips and opened the door.

As soon as they entered the room, Thor pressed Loki against the wall. The raven-haired man released a chocked moan when the blond ravished his neck with wet kisses and licks, his strong hands holding him tightly against the wall, his hips thrusting hungrily against Loki's crouch. The temperature rose suddenly and soon they were clumsily undressing each other, hands shaking from the urgent need, their lungs and hearts working double time. Loki turned around, placing his hands against the wall to support his weight, while Thor torturously prepared his entrance by oiling it generously. Loki moaned silently in small whispers while his hips already danced with Thor's fingers inside his body. The blond had initially wanted to please Loki in soft loving and tender ways, but the separation as well as the anticipation of feeling his warm body again had only increased the heated lust in him. Going by the way Loki was moving, it was very mutual. The blond placed the tip of his penis on Loki's entrance and put some pressure on it, so it slowly slipped inside the hot tunnel. He felt Loki tremble under him while he released a chocked groan.

"Oh…Ngn…" The raven-haired man mumbled in chocked moans and muffed grunts as he did his best no to make any noise.

It was quiet but it was good and somehow, the fact they weren't supposed to make any sounds enticed Thor even more. He pounded greedily and a bit cruelly, wondering if he would succeed in making Loki scream at least one time. Before he could help it, he was slipping his strong erection in and out with some roughness, hitting Loki's prostate deliciously. The black-haired man found himself biting his under lip while he shut his eyes tightly, desperately trying to control his voice. He wanted nothing more than to scream loudly, to express the crazy pleasure that kept filling his body over and over again. But he restrained himself from his mad desires and gasped loudly when Thor moved more slowly, pulling his body all the way out of his tunnel, till only the tip was inside to suddenly shove it all the way in with such a force that Loki though his legs would give in.

"Oh God! Oh God! Thor…ngn…shit…Thor…feels good! Feels so good!" Loki whispered, feeling his bodily pleasure wanting to take over his mind. "Ngn…Ah…Thor, I want…I need to…ngn…see your face!" He whispered in a begging tone, his voice broken and shaky.

Thor, already consumed by the fire of lust, quickly turned Loki around, lifted him up and shoved himself all the way up his lover's body. It had been so sudden and so deliciously good that a shriek escaped Loki's lips. He immediately covered his mouth with his hand and Thor laughed amused. He moved a bit more slowly and carefully. Although he enjoyed listening to Loki's loud moaning, his mind still had enough self-control to avoid in disturbing the household.

They locked their eyes and Thor could see the desperate love in the green gaze. He kissed Loki's lips and moved rhythmically for a while and enjoyed the fastened loud breathing against his ear. He meanwhile ravished Loki's neck, sucking and nibbling the skin, while his hips gradually moved faster and until everything became erratic. The last moments were as painful as pleasurable. The blond pounded insanely up and down the heated body. Loki's legs contracted, his arms and legs tightly wrapped around the muscled back. A final chocked yelp and Loki came in sublime happy pleasure, shortly after followed by Thor's.

Both panted wildly for a while, both had their legs shaking. Thor kept Loki pinned secure between his body and the wall, for he hung numbly with his legs resting on the blond's hips. They shared breathless kisses and eventually released each other to practically stumble on the bed. The blond cleaned both of them and then covered Loki's naked body. He brushed the dark damp hair while mesmerized Loki's sleepy expression.

"I really love you." Loki whispered, looking quite exhausted.

"I know. And I love you. For real." Thor assured while he kissed Loki's forehead. The teenager gave a lazy happy smile.

"Don't ever leave me." Loki asked and Thor planted a kiss on his lips.

"Never." Thor whispered. "I promise."

…

Loki woke up feeling peaceful and happy in a way he couldn't quite remember the last time he did so. Then he knew he always woke up feeling safe next to his large friend. He still had problems believing Thor loved him back. He had fantasized with this for so long, that sometimes he still thought it was all a dream. Sometimes he was simply overwhelmed with the way the blond expressed his love for him, the way those blue eyes shone for him, the way that smile was reserved for him alone. Loki could never had asked for anything this marvelous and wonderful in his life. And so, despite all his past tribulations, for the first time in his life, Loki truly felt blessed. And it was all thanks to Thor.

While he watched Thor sleep deeply next to him, Loki decided it was time his best friend knew the whole truth. It was time Thor knew how important he has been during his whole life. Of how important he still is. Of how much he loves Thor and how much he needs him. Today Loki would have finally the courage to tear down all the walls of lies and be honest to Thor. Because that was what the blond deserved.

…

They were finishing breakfast, drinking the rest of the coffee and the house was finally empty. They were alone. This was it. Loki took a deep breath to summon his courage and decided to talk.

"I was thirteen when one day, my mother sat by the table with me." Loki quietly started. Thor sensed immediately a seriousness in his friend's voice and understood that, whatever Loki was going to say, was very important. He rested his mug on the table and looked directly at his best friend. He saw Loki struggle to smile, but his face seemed to want and contort of pain instead. "She told me: _you must have noticed things aren't going well between your father and I_."

The raven-haired man gave a small chuckle. Not an amused one but a bitter one. "Of course I had already noticed it. I've lived years witnessing their empty distant small talks, the tense silence, the loud fights. It was no novelty for me. That was my reality."

Loki said, his hand on his chest, giving emphasis his words. Thor was both surprised and concerned. This was beyond doubt a major breakthrough. Loki had decided to talk with him. Only the fact Loki had decided to _talk_ in his own initiative was a miracle. But that he was opening his heart to him, _that_ was beyond special. Thor felt privileged to receive this kind of trust but he feared not to be able to do justice to Loki's needs. He suddenly felt the weight of responsibility on his shoulders. He always wished to protect Loki and desired his friend to open up to him. Now that it was finally happening, Thor feared to fail Loki. But he decided to listen to his friend and trust his instincts.

Loki shifted his eyes to the wall and his look was filled with bitterness. He continued with a rough voice. "Then she said their marriage was over." Loki shifted his gaze back to Thor. "I wasn't prepared. Even after years of witnessing their failed marriage, I still wasn't prepared. So, my world collapsed."

He needed to look to Thor's eyes. They were filled with concern and compassion. It made him feel vulnerable and safe at the same time. It made him want to break down right then and there. It made him want to be honest with himself once and for all and just allow himself to be the broken being he truly is. "Every day, since then, I woke up with the thought that _maybe today my parents will announce their divorce_. It was a horrible kind of anxiety, this anticipation. Like a slow torture. Because every time I heard their voices, every time they called me, I thought it would be to tell me it was over. But that day never came."

Loki released a soft sigh and looked down at his hands. "Life just went on, like it normally did. But as the years went by, the tension and the hostility grew. The fights became louder and more frequent. My father started drinking more and became more violent. And I swear, there was a time I actually wished they would just divorce so this Hell could end!"

Loki paused. His fingers brushed his black hair. They were a bit shaky. "You were my anchor." The black-haired man said in a cracked voice. His green eyes connected with Thor's widened ones. The blond was shocked at the revelation and he could feel his heartbeat boost. Suddenly he had a bad feeling, because the jade eyes were so full of sad hurt. Whatever Loki wanted to tell him, it was going to be painful. For both of them. "You remember when I used to come to your house with the excuse of suffering from insomnia?"

The blond felt his heart sink at the question. Yes. He remembered it very well. He remembered waking up with Loki hitting his bedroom's window softy and meeting him with a smile on his lips. Thor remembered how much he loved those nights when they spent hours whispering silly everyday subjects, giggling in silence, until both of them would fall asleep. And he already could anticipate Loki's next words. "I lied. Well, sort of did. I couldn't sleep all right, but that was because those were the nights my parents fought the loudest."

Thor closed his eyes. All his fears were finally confirmed. How could he have been so blind back then? How could he had missed the fragility in Loki's eyes behind his cheerful smile? How could he have been so stupid? But then Loki spoke, his voice warm again. "I always felt safe around you."

Loki confessed in a choke and his eyes watered. He was silenced for moments and Thor stared at him speechless. The raven-haired man was in de edge of tears. It hurt him to know how much he was valued and how much he failed his best friend. "You – You were the only person who ever was there for me. You never ignored me. You never judged me. And you never left me. But last year…You went to college and – and you weren't there anymore."

Thor could feel his own eyes water while he watched silent tears cascade down Loki's face. How his voice was filled with distressing agony. Desolation and helplessness. Thor could feel guilt form in his chest. The raven-haired man paused and exhaled nervously, while he wiped the untamable tears from his face. Loki hated to look weak in public. If only he could see how strong he truly was being right now.

"One night, I arrived home really late… I had said nothing to my parents. I never did. Guess I wanted them to miss me, worry about me – I don't even know why anymore…They – They had had a fight before I arrived. It must have been a bad one because the table had been knocked down and there was broken china shattered and spread on the floor."

Another chuckle full of bitterness escaped his lips. Loki smiled sourly. "I remember feeling worried and not giving a shit at the same time. And then I saw my mother. She was alone in the house. She was sitting on the couch, waiting for me. I never had seen her this hurt and angry before. She – She wanted to know where I had been. She wanted to know why I kept going against their rules. Why I kept making things worse. I ignored her. I remember thinking she was pathetic. That she was a waste of my time. So I gave her no answer and headed to my room. That's when she told me – she told me she never wanted me. She told me I should never have been born."

Loki paused again, looking down at his hands, struggling not to cry. Thor wanted him to stop. He was hurting himself. He was hurting both of them. He knew Loki needed to tell this story to the end, but Thor didn't know if he was strong enough to handle the truth. Thor didn't want to hear another word. But he did nothing to prevent his friend from talking.

"I know she was crying and screaming other things, but I don't remember them. I don't think I even heard them." Loki miserably said, his voice tainted with agony, his breathing fastening. "I called you!" Loki's words came in a wave of choked pain. "I called you, but you didn't pick up the phone!" Hot thick tears jumped from his pale green eyes. "And I panicked. I panicked and went to the bathroom's medicine cabinet. I wasn't thinking properly, Thor! I swear I only wanted to take two pills, just enough to sleep but – but I ended up swallowing the entire flask. I swallowed all of them!"

Thor felt his heat jolt unhealthily and his stomach twisted nauseously. Suicide. Loki had tried to take out his very own life. The blond could not imagine, his always cheerful and active friend to reach such a state of despair that made him take such a drastic hopeless action. He stared shocked at Loki and watched him cover his mouth to muff the uncontrolled sobs that were escaping in hick-ups. The truth was finally revealed and it had hurt deeply. Loki felt relieved to have finally had the courage to talk, but he was also scared because he never felt more exposed in his vulnerability like he felt right now. A gasp escaped his lips when Thor stood up and put his arms around him, holding him close to this chest, enveloping him in his love.

"I failed you." Thor said in a choke. "All these years I have failed you." The blond said, while he struggled not to cry too. He kissed Loki's head and felt the teenager's fingers dig in his skin.

"Please, don't say that!" Loki pled with a shaky voice. "Y-You have no idea how important you are to me! If it weren't for you, I would have lost my sanity long ago. I would have already given up a long time ago. I owe my life to you! You are the sunshine in my rain. I wanted to tell you this before! So many times! But the words kept getting stuck in my throat and instead I told you lies!"

He had barely managed to verbalize the last words, as sobs escaped his lips wildly. Loki dug his face in Thor's shoulders while he held onto his back with great force, afraid the blond would abandon him. He tried to muffle the sobs that escaped his throat uncontrollably but he failed in holding back the waves of sadness and agony. Thor held him close, while he gently shushed him in an effort to mellow him down.

"I am so sorry. I had no idea. I should have seen. I should have been able to see." Thor whispered. "I wish you weren't such a good liar and that I wasn't such a fool."

He smiled gently when he heard a chocked chuckle against his ear. He felt Loki's fingers dig strongly on his arms, seeking for protection. He felt a pair of soft lips plant a chaste kiss on his shoulder. Thor closed his eyes when he felt Loki burry his face against it again, his weeping quickly diminishing until it finally subsided.

"I love you." Loki whispered.

Thor's felt Loki gently nuzzle his nose against the crook of his neck. He felt himself relax while a warmth spread through his whole body. He planted a soft kiss of side of Loki's temple. He witnessed Loki close his eyes and smile gently. So he planted another kiss, this time against Loki's cheek. The laziest hum escaped the raven-haired man and Thor smiled. He gently shifted, forcing Loki to move slowly and kissed the corner of his mouth. They locked their gazes. There was fear and uncertainty in Loki's eyes. Thor realized. He could heal him as well as he could break him. The blond gently pressed his lips against Loki and embraced him tightly.

"I love you, Loki. I never want to let you go." Thor felt his friend's fingers dig a bit deeper against his skin. "I think I already did for a while. I just didn't know it." Loki smiled as he released a half choked laughter.

"Oh God, I feel like a fountain." Loki said with a shaky breath, but sounded truly amused. He finally released Thor and wiped the last moisture away of his face. "I have the feeling all I've been doing lately is nothing else but cry."

"You had many years of suppressed emotions. What did you except? You are only human, you know." Thor warmly said while he caressed Loki's cheek with his thumb. The dark-haired man chuckled. "God, you are beautiful."

"Haha. I doubt I'm at my best right now." Loki said with a smile. Indeed his eyes were puffed and red, just like his nose was pink and his lips swollen. But despite the stains of crying on his face, Thor truly believed he was beautiful.

"You've never been this beautiful before." Thor said and he smiled wide when Loki barked a loud laughter.

"Obviously you are either insane or I definitely have to do something about my looks." Loki joked.

"I like your new look. It's more natural. It's more you." Thor said while he brushed a curl from Loki's face. The younger man gave him such a radiant smile that the blond could not resist and kiss him hungrily. "And you know what?"

"What?"

"There's nobody in the house."

At these words Loki released a loud laugher. Thor laughed along but busied himself already in nibbling Loki's collarbone and the crook of his neck. It didn't take long for the two lovers to be engaged in a loud and messy fight under the sheets, moaning and gasping happily, delighted with the pleasure their bodies offered them.

 


	30. Liberated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel of any of its characters

"Ah! Thor!" Loki screamed blissfully as he gave a final jump on top of the blond, pulling his head back and exhibiting his pale petit frame to his lover in its full beauty. Thor drunk thirstily the breathless image and felt himself too come undone. "Oh, for goodness sake!" Loki said between gasps. He looked downwards, some dark strands gluing on his damp forehead. "Three times!? Do you want to kill me!?"

"Now, now, my love. I haven't touched you for over a week." Thor said with a smile, between his heavy breathing. Loki carefully moved from on top the blond and practically collapsed next to him. He lied on his belly, digging his head deep on the pillow. "Besides, you were so responsive, I didn't think you were unpleased."

"Oh, not unpleased at all. But I barely can feel my legs anymore. And I think sitting might become uneasy." Loki said, his eyelids heavy and his voice slurry from exhaustion.

"I'm sorry. Are you sore?" Thor asked a bit worried. He felt strangely proud and guilty at the same time.

"Mmmm." Was all the raven-haired man muttered, already half-asleep.

Thor massaged his back with long and soft caresses and witnessed his best friend, his lover, gently fall asleep. He then covered them with the blankets and lied on his back, his hands behind his head. He stared at the ceiling while he listened to the soft breathing next to him. The sophomore looked back at the last month's events and smiled at the thought that in the beginning of the academic year he and Loki were growing apart, but now they had become once again attached to one another in an unprecedented manner. He felt like all the past tribulations, all the challenges and sufferings had brought them closer together, strengthening their friendship, their intimacy, their need and trust for each other. He chuckled silently, admitting to himself he was truly deeply and madly in love with his best friend and it felt really good. He slowly drifted away in these pleasant thoughts and only woke up when he felt Loki shift and leave the bed to go to the toilet.

…

"So, how was your day?" Býleistr asked while he poured coffee in their mugs. He didn't miss the way Loki sat cautiously. "At a second thought, I prefer not to know. Do you need a pillow, little brother?"

"Fuck off!" Loki mumbled with his teeth clenched. "I'm perfectly fine!"

"Of course you are. Nobody said the contrary." Býleistr casually said while he walked to the living room. "Still, you should sit on a pillow." He said while he gave Loki a decorative pillow, who accepted it in both reluctance and gratefulness. Thor was awkwardly silent and quickly shifted his eyes to his coffee mug when the older man gave him an accusing look. "I hope it's not as bad as that time with...what was his name again?"

"Jaden? Oh God! No!" Loki said in an exasperated manner, as the memory hit him. Thor stared from one to the other in wonder.

"Jaden was a one-night stand that almost ripped my brother in two." Býleistr bluntly explained and Thor chocked in his coffee. Okay, so Býleistr was as liberal and comfortable in talking about sex as his younger brother. Or was it the other way around?

"Thor is big, but Jaden was ridiculously colossal." Loki added, not looking too pleased at the recollection.

"Okay, thank you for the too much information I really didn't want to know." Býleistr said in a half giggle. He smirked amused at the way Thor shifted on the chair, obviously being uncomfortable around the subject. He himself sat down, took a sip of his coffee and looked straight into Thor's eyes. "It's funny." He started. "I never actually expected you to engage in a relationship with Loki. Always thought it would be a permanent platonic thing."

"Why is that?" The blond asked truly curious. Loki stared from one to the other equally curious.

"You just do not strike me as the type of guy that likes other guys."

"I do not really feel attracted to guys." Thor admitted after a few moments of pondering. "When I think about it, it's only Loki I feel attracted to." The blond could sense the raven-haired man smile from the corner of his eye. Býleistr looked a bit thoughtful until his lips curled a bit upwards in satisfaction.

"Well, I'm glad you do. I have no idea how long Loki has been fixated on you, I'm just happy to know that is over now. Right, little brother?" The older man asked playfully earning an angry glare from his young sibling. "Thor, you will do me a favor?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"Please take my brother shopping. He keeps steeling my clothes." Býleistr frankly said. This time it was Loki who practically choked in his coffee.

…

Thor stayed at Býleistr's till Monday morning. He had to return to college because of the training for an important game. He was a bit saddened Loki didn't want to come with him, the reason he was even more surprised to find the teenager in their apartment on Tuesday evening. Thor had trained till quite late, thinking he would return to an empty home. When he opened the door and entered, Loki immediately stood up from the couch. He was holding a book he had been reading and looked at Thor expectantly.

"Loki! When? I-I didn't expect to see you this soon!" The sophomore exclaimed unable to hide his surprise in seeing his beloved so soon.

"I missed you so terribly! I know it was only one day, but… Anyway, Býleistr agreed I should stay with you if that was what I preferred and…well, I had an appointment with Coulson today so, I kind of… decided to stay." The raven-haired man said in an uncharacteristic hesitant manner, fidgeting his fingers nervously while he spoke. Thor gave him a radiant smile and Loki's face immediately lightened up. The blond took a few steps to meet him with a warm hug and a passionate kiss.

"I don't care how or what. As long as I am the reason for you to want to be here."

"Always the self-centered fool." Loki teased while he nuzzled his nose against Thor's neck.

"Ah, but you love this self-centered fool."

"Indeed I do."

Both laughed at the easy teasing and kissed between their giggles. Short after, there was only space for kissing, touching and pleasuring. Thor was decided to give Loki the warmest welcome he could ever receive.

…

Loki laid on his side, his naked body warmly covered under the blankets, his eyes fixed on Thor's alarm clock. An hour ago he had told the blond about his unwillingness to go to college. He even refused to accompany his friend to campus. But now, the silence in the apartment was becoming thick and unbearable. The only sounds to be heard was his light breathing and the nervous constant ticking of the clock. Loki was starting to doubt his own decision. He thought he longed for peace and quiet, but realized it was making him the more agitated.

He turned over, so he could lay on his back and released a heavy sigh. He knew he was only delaying things. Sooner or later, he would have to go back to college. He would have to see the faces of his friends and be confronted with the concern in their eyes. He would have to follow classes and work again, like any other student. Loki knew, sooner or later, he would have to return to society because life simply went on, whether he liked it or not.

The raven-haired man stared blankly at the white ceiling. His mind wouldn't give him a break. Voices kept echoing in his head, fragments of conversations kept repeating themselves in a dizzying way. His father and his mother. Odin and Frigga. Helblindi and Býleistr. Natasha and Thor. Coulson. They all talked to him and their voices blended in a confusing loud cocktail of words. He shut his eyes tight and clenched his teeth frustrated and nervous. The teenager wished his brains would stop taunting him this way. He opened his eyes again and realized he was already panting in cold sweat. If he would continue like this, he would have another panic attack.

Loki remembered Coulson's advice in these dire times and started concentrating in his breathing. _Breathe in. Breathe out. Let all thoughts go away. Breath in. Breath out. Slowly empty your head._ Slowly, the voices started fading, becoming more and more distant. The adrenaline in his veins slowed down and he released a few deep breaths. The noise in his head, the confusing thoughts finally vanished and Loki felt calm once again. He was learning to control his attacks more and more effectively.

The raven-haired man had asked Coulson why he kept having these episodes. Coulson told him it was reason struggling against emotion. In the end all his stress, anxiety and depression resumed to one thing. Loki had to cut himself loose from the past and build his very own independent life.

"Ha! Easier said than done!" Loki suddenly vocalized his frustrated thoughts. He opened his eyes, startled. His voice sounded too loud in the solemn silence of the room.

_But then, what's stopping me?_ Loki wondered as he stared at the white ceiling again. _Fear perhaps?_ Loki tried to answer his own question." _But what is there to fear then? The past is past. It happened and cannot be changed. The future then?_

"Fear of the unknown…" The teenager whispered low, a bit surprised at his own conclusion.

He did not like to admit he had fears, because he liked to think he didn't have them. Loki liked to think he was invincible and nothing could hurt him. But words would punch his soul again and again. His defenses were strong and for a while he would not feel anything. But when the walls around his heart finally crumbled, the pain was so strong that all his fears took hold of his mind. Loki was then like a frightened little child.

_I wish I could have control over my mind again. Have control over my life…But why shouldn't I have control over my mind and life? Why not take the reins of my life for once and for all? Do what I really want to do? And stop doing what others want me to do! Stop doing what others expect me to do!_

"Stop trying to please father!" Loki spoke out again, his voice loud and clear, revolt tainting it.

Loki fell silent. Not embarrassed because he was talking alone, not because of the awkwardness of his voice disturbing the silent room, not because he sounded like a mad man. No. Loki fell silent because he finally hit the nail. He finally understood the origin of his fears, of his self-created obstacles and limitations.

_Father._

The raven-haired man turned his head to look at the clock again. He made a mental calculation and jumped out the bed. He finally knew what he needed to do. He finally knew what he truly wanted to do. Shivering more from excitement than from cold, Loki headed to the shower. A nervous exhilaration swept over his body as he quickly washed himself. He smiled widely at the idea. He finally knew what he wanted and he was going to get it done.

The thought alone was tremendously liberating. An overwhelming feeling of joy filled his chest. Loki couldn't hold the powerful emotion back any longer. He laughed loudly like a madman, while thick tears mingled with the running water. Loki felt free.

…

Loki slowed down his run until he paced breathless as he watched students leave the class room. He stood a while panting in anticipation. And patiently waited for the person he wanted to talk to, to exit the room. He smirked amused when he saw a circle of loud chatting girls surrounding the man. He chuckled at the egocentric discourse that praised the man's genius mind which clearly marveled the fangirls. In the mist of the confusion of female faces and voices, their eyes met. Loki immediately straightened his back and smiled politely in greeting. It took some seconds for the older male to react.

"Loki Frost! I barely recognized you!" Tony Stark cheered, his arms widening and breaking the circle of young females while he walked towards the teenager. The girls quickly dissipated, bitterly disappointed and envious of Loki for receiving their teacher's unrequired attention. The raven-haired man wondered if they weren't used to their idol's sudden focus shifts yet. "I missed your presence lately, including today's class. Is everything alright?"

"I haven't felt too well lately, but I'm starting to get better." Loki said in a slight sheepish manner and Tony gave him a look that indicated he knew there was much more behind that justification, but decided not to insist. "I wanted to talk to you, Mr. Stark. If that would be possible."

"Please..." The teacher said with a smile while he put an arm around Loki's shoulders. "No need for all those stiffy nonsense formalities! Tony will be just fine." He guided Loki along the gallery a short while and then let go, so they walked side by side. "So, what is it you would like to talk about?"

"It's about the project."

"Ah, yes. Your and Natasha's ambitious project. I do like it. I do like it very much. So what about it?"

"I would like to expand its possibilities." Loki said and Stark suddenly halted.

He looked at the younger man with a thoughtful and grave expression Loki wasn't used to see. As for Stark, he saw a glint in the green eyes he hadn't seen before. But it stirred him up, because he sensed something great was going on in his pupil's head.

Loki then resumed his explanation. "Take it to a whole new level. Connect it to the Stark industries functionalities."

"You want to put your ideas in practice. That will require quite an investment, lots of time and energy." Tony Stark noted.

"I am perfectly aware of it. I've given quite a lot of thought and this is what I want." Loki spoke determined and Tony smiled.

He liked this attitude. The ambition for glory, the confidant and bold decision. The sense for risk and adventure were clearly Laufey Frost's attributes running in his youngest son's veins. Tony Stark enjoyed Loki's demonstration of unbendable sureness. He had always known the boy had it in him, but kept repressing it. He didn't quite know why Loki did it before nor why he now suddenly accepted his talents; but he had a slight feeling it was related to the Frost patriarch.

"So you are counting with my financial support." It wasn't a question but a clear statement. Loki nodded. "What about your father? Will Laufey Frost approve?"

"I can care less what my father will approve, think or say. I'm 18. Officially adult. I can do what I want." Loki haughtily said, with a calm confidence that agreed with Tony.

The head of Stark Industries was silent for a few moments, his fingers playing with his beard while he looked seriously thoughtful at the freshman. There was a clear major change in Loki. In the beginning of the academic year Tony Stark had met a scared, hesitant and reluctant boy. Now, a young man stood before him ready to take control of his own life and future. A wide smile spread on Stark's face.

"I have a proposal for you." Tony Stark said while he pated the younger man's shoulder. "I support your project, give you anything you need to get it done and if it succeeds we can work together in the future."

"You are offering me a job?" Loki asked surprised and Tony barked a laughter, squeezing the teenager's shoulder playfully.

"No. I'm offering you a partnership!" The older man's smile grew at the raven-haired teenager's utter surprised look.

He could actually see the thoughts processing in his brains. First the shock, followed by incredibility and finally the realization. Loki emitted what could only be a joyful laughter and repressed the huge urge to jump in the air and hug Tony Stark tightly. Instead, he remained well-composed and took the other's hand on his own to shake it happily.

"You have a deal, Mr Sta - I mean, Tony." Loki quickly corrected himself when Tony lifted his index as a warning. "I won't disappoint you!"

"I know you won't. Now, off you go. I'm a busy man with a busy schedule." Tony Stark said, shooing the freshman with his hand and Loki gestured a small wave before he sent himself away with a wide smile plastered on his face. The raven-haired man had barely made a bend when he heard a female's voice.

"A partnership, uh?"

"Natasha!" Loki blurted surprised. The redhead was leaning slightly against the wall with her arms crossed and a playful smile hanging on his lips. "You? Eavesdropping?"

"I don't eavesdrop." The short Russian told while she uncrossed her arms and took a couple steps towards Loki. "I like your new look." She told this time with an honest smile. Her eyes lingered on his green sweater with black jeans. She liked the way the clothing favored his eyes, just like there was no more guyliner and radical haircuts. "You look strangely innocent, if that is even possible." Her comment resulted in an amused chuckle from the young man and they switched accomplice smiles.

"It's nice to see you again." Loki sincerely said. He realized didn't care if or why she was snooping on them. It was just nice to see a friendly face again. "Would you like to drink something, a coffee? Do some catch up?" He invited her and her cherry lips drew a small smile. For moments he thought she would refuse.

"Sure. But I have to be away in one hour." She said and her smile grew larger. "I have a date."

 


	31. Celebrate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

Loki and Natasha went to a café close by the college and sat on a quiet corner. They hadn't practically talked on their way, and the redhead purposely didn't tell him who her date was, knowing the teenager was going crazy from curiosity. After they got their drinks, Loki finally put out the question he was burning to know the answer.

"Who's your date? Is it that Clint Barton guy?" The young man asked indiscreetly. Natasha lifted her eyebrow a bit surprised and chuckled softly in amusement afterwards. "You are not Barton's girlfriend then?" Loki deduced slightly confused.

"Never was." The beautiful Russian said. She could read the question marks on her friend's face and thought he looked both amusing and adorable. "He's a good friend, though." She took a sip of her coffee and pondered a while before deciding to reveal the truth to Loki. She knew she could trust him with a secret. She knew Loki too was a good friend. "Remember when I told you I owned him a debt?"

"Yes. And then you lied to me about some legalization bullshit." The raven-haired man said in an accusing tone and Natasha smiled. He was much more perceptive than she had thought. The Russian realized she had underestimated him and that was a mistake she could not allow herself to make second time.

"I did not know you then like I do now." It was not an apology or justification. It was a down-to-earth fact Loki would have to content himself with. He stiffed a sigh and nodded in forced understanding. "Barton saved my life." The redhead said afterwards. "Before I came to the States, I, uh... I was an agent of the Soviet agency for foreign intelligence. Well, I made a name for myself in the KGB. I have a very specific skill set. I didn't care who I used it for, or on. I got on radar in a bad way. Clint Barton, who's also a secret agent, was sent to kill me. He made a different call." Silent seconds stretched by as Loki stared wide eyed at the redhead, his mouth slightly agape.

"You – a spy?" Loki finally said, the shock and surprise at Natasha's revelation more than evident. "Wow! That is something I didn't quite expect, although, I must admit, I makes a lot of sense." Natasha's cherry lips curved upwards, but her eyes looked a bit sad.

"Anyway, I've had enough of that kind of life. It's not like I chose it. Somebody else chose it for me. Now all I want is to have a normal life." The little Russian confessed.

"Settle down, get married and have kids." Loki said teasingly and Natasha drew an amused smile. She chose not to tell him about the operation that sterilized her. That was a subject for another day. "I cannot imagine you as a housewife." He honestly said and Natasha laughed pleasantly amused by Loki's statement. "So if it's not Barton, who is your date then?" Loki returned to his initial subject, his curiosity not willing to give him a break. But Natasha wasn't going to give him the satisfaction quite yet.

"So you and Thor are finally together." The redhead suddenly stated and Loki froze for some seconds, not expecting the sudden change of subject and certainly not expecting her to know about their affair.

"What gave us away?" He quietly asked, attempting to not to show how shocked and scared he felt all at the sudden.

"Jane announced her break-up with Thor but refused to tell anybody the reasons why. Besides, Thor couldn't hide how affected he was by your personal situation."

"What do you mean?"

"He kept shifting from ecstatic happiness to deep concern and overprotectiveness when he was around you. Not to mention how miserably melancholic he behaved when you were away."

"That oaf!"

"The others might have not noticed anything yet, but it's quite easy to read the signs." Natasha concluded with a proud and confident smile while she sat comfortably with her back against the chair. Loki released a soft sigh relieved she was the only one in his circle of friends perceptive enough to draw out the right conclusions. He looked at the Russian for a while with a pensive expression.

"Bruce Banner." The raven-haired man suddenly said in a haughtily manner.

"What?" Natasha said, unable to hide her shock and Loki took pride in taking her completely by surprise. That was a rarity.

"Your date. It's Bruce, isn't it?" The way Natasha pursed her lips was answer enough for the teenager. "The others might have not noticed anything yet, but it's quite easy to read the signs, Natasha." The redhead lifted an elegant eyebrow as he quoted her words from earlier. "I must congratulate you for succeeding in piercing through that thick skull of his before Christmas. Seriously, I thought he would never get the hints."

"No, he didn't get them. I actually had to spell it out for him that I liked him and wanted to go out with him on a date." She explained and Loki barked a cheerful amused laughter. "Better get going. It's almost time."

"Have fun!" Loki cheerfully said while Natasha stood up.

"I will." She said before she headed to the door and exited the cafeteria.

Loki smiled feeling truly happy for her and hoping she would find some love and happiness with the distracted scientist. He was reminded of his own happiness with Thor. He knew the blond would be proud of his choice in working further in his project. Loki decided he wanted to celebrate this special day. The day he decided to cut his dependency strings with his father, the day he embraced his own independence, the day he finally understood what he wanted for his future. Loki paid for the drinks and left the cafeteria. He planned to make a stop in the supermarket before returning home.

…

Thor entered the apartment and was welcomed with enticing odors coming from the kitchen. He smiled amused. He was pretty sure that, besides that time he had the flu, Loki never cooked. But whatever he was cooking, smelled truly delicious.

"It smells divine!" Thor said as he walked towards Loki. He loved the way Loki had caught his black locks into a tiny tail and thought the apron around his waist made him feel unexpectedly hot.

"Hopefully it tastes divine." Loki said, while he turned half way around to meet Thor's lips. The blonde noticed a bottle of Loki's favorite red wine on the table.

"Are we celebrating something?" Thor asked curious. The raven-haired freshman turned to face him again, his cheeks pink from the warm steam and his eyes gleaming from joy.

"Today I had an epiphany!" Loki announced in an excited tone.

"An epiphany?"

"Yes, it's when you realize something important! Like a revelation."

"I know what an epiphany is." Thor said in a chuckle, unable to take Loki's misunderstanding as an insult, for the younger man seemed to burst out in sheer glee.

"I realized this morning that I've been hindering my life's choices because of my father. It's like I always have that thought in the back of my head that I have to do things to get my father's approval, when I'm sure he will disapprove everything I do in any other way! It's so contradictory, I know, but it was what I have been doing all this time." Loki explained while he stirred the contents of the pan. "So, this morning, I decided to stop worrying about my father and whatever I might do that will disagree with him and instead, just do what I really want to do."

"And what may that be?" Thor asked positively surprised with Loki's self-discovery and curious to know what the break-through was.

"I want to follow a career in IT. I want to create the world's best softwares, I want to develop environment friendly technology, I want to explore AI possibilities, I want to create my own company and build up a name!" The raven-haired man said in a contagious excitement and Thor laughed spontaneously. "Are you mocking me?" Loki asked suspiciously and the blond continued smiling while he walked closer to his friend, closing the space between them. He rested his hands on the freshman's hips.

"No, I do not mock. I am truly happy for you Loki." Thor admitted and earned a happy smile in return. "You know very well I always thought you should follow IT, but you always refused to even think about it. I am so glad you finally broke yourself free from Laufey, so you can truly follow you dreams instead of running away from them."

Loki stared at his best friend marveled with his words, his understanding and support. He lost himself completely in his ocean blue gaze and wonderful smile. His heart beat madly under his chest from excitement, from happiness and thankfulness to have a person as Thor by his side. The younger man had become quite speechless, so he did the only thing that made sense to do. He cupped the sophomore's face in his hands and kissed him with love and with gratefulness. The kiss was corresponded with hunger and Loki slowly felt his mind drift away in this sea of sweet senses. The sound of boiling water spilling from the pan woke the pair from their momentum and Loki quickly turned the heat down and lifted the pan's lid in the middle of curses and hisses. The blond barked a laughter when Loki barked accusations at him, telling it was his fault for distracting him. Thor sat down by the table still giggling and watched his friend save their meal.

…

"You should cook more times. It was delicious." Thor admitted while he rubbed his filled belly. Loki's lips curled up in pride.

"I enjoy more your cooking." The raven-haired man confessed and took a sip of the red wine. Loki smirked in joy at Thor's disappointment look, which he thought was his cutest expression. "But I guess I could cook once in a while." He released a chuckle at the manner the blond's face seemed to radiate from happiness. The teenager made himself a mental note. Should he ever want something from Thor, all he probably needed to do was to cook.

"So what's desert?" The sophomore asked in glee anticipation.

"Dessert?" Loki asked surprised. He had the feeling if he ate anything else he would explode and yet Thor, who ate much more than him, still had an appetite for dessert.

"Yes. A dessert is expected after such a magnificent meal." Thor teased as it became clear to him his best friend had not even thought about dessert. Loki's shoulders tensed a bit as e clearly tried to intelligently get himself out of this embarrassing situation. A slight smirk curved his lips, as the greatest idea occurred to him.

"Ah, well - What concerns dessert…" Loki coolly said while he got up. Blue eyes followed him curiously, as he walked towards Thor. "Let's just say I'm not very good at making sweet stuff. But…" The raven-haired man rested his hands on Thor's shoulders and sat on his lap. "…I can improvise, hum?" Loki pressed his lips on Thor's in the gentlest manner. "Did you like this?"

Thor nodded his head, his eyes already becoming foggy from excitement. The blond was speechless at his friend's advance, which made his heart immediately pump blood faster and hotter through his body, descending to his lower regions. Loki bended slightly over, their lips met again, but this time the freshman licked and took a small nibble on the blond's under lip. He lifted his head a bit, his green eyes flashing in triumph. "Or did you prefer this one?"

All Thor managed to give as an answer was a shaky gasp. Once again Loki's lips touched his lover's, slowly, sweetly, teasingly. The raven-haired man touched Thor's skin under the trimmed beard, ticking his nose and gave a lick behind the blond's ear. He earned a chocked moan. "The menu goes on, you know? Would you like me to present you some more flavors?" The freshman seductively whispered in the ear, his breath gentle and hot like a summer breeze. Thor was unable to produce any coherent sound, but the chocked groan was enough for Loki to understand.

The younger man licked Thor's earlobe, his hastened breathing stimulating all his lover's senses. Wet kisses, soft mean nibbles and tasty licks descended unhurriedly his neck, meeting the collarbone. The blond's breathing became deeper as his fever grew hotter. His hands travelled Loki's slender back, moving down to his hips and slid shamelessly under his pants and underwear. The black-haired man released a satisfied moan and locked his amused green eyes with the blue ones. Their eyes remained locked, as Thor rocked his hips from under his friend. Loki corresponded by following his rhythm, the swelling on their crouches growing, their erections meeting under the pants' material.

Their mouths met again, this time in a hungry passionate kiss, tongues working urgently, panting between their fastened breaths. Their eyes were darkened with lust and their hands clumsily undressed each other, impatient to feel the touch of their warm skins against each other. Loki released a chocked moan when Thor entered him raw and hot, pushing his strong erection up his body. Their bodies rocked in a mad dance, limbs entangled, fingers digging in the hair, fingernails scratching their backs, teeth nibbling their skins. They moved fast and erratic, their voices incoherent and loud, their minds losing themselves completely in the insane pleasure that consumed their bodies and hearts. Thor came undone with a wild roar and Loki felt the white hot pleasure hit him when he felt his partner's climax. They panted immobile, overwhelmed by the feverish sensations from just a few minutes ago. Thor planted sweet loving kisses under Loki's chin and the raven-haired man smiled, his eyes closed from exhaustion and contentment.

"How did you like the dessert?" The younger man lazily whispered against the blond's ear.

"I would have it every day." Thor admitted with a wide grin and relished the sensation of Loki's small chuckle against his neck. "Loki?"

"Yes?" The raven-haired man replied in a drowsy voice.

"When are you thinking to return to college?"

"Dunno…maybe tomorrow." Thor could feel Loki's breathing become lighter, his head resting on his neck. He knew he was in the edge of falling asleep

"Loki?" Thor whispered unsure his friend still could hear him.

"Mmmhm…"

"I think I am ready to tell our friends about us." The blond whispered. He waited a few seconds for a response but realized Loki was already fast asleep. He carefully moved under Loki, and lifted himself up, carrying his lover altogether. The teenager made a soft protesting sound in his sleep, making the blond smile involuntarily. He took his best friend to the bedroom, lied him down on the soft bed and covered his cooled body under the sheets. "Sleep well, my love."

Thor gave a kiss on Loki's cheek and received a small acknowledgement through a brief tiny smile. He stared lovingly at the teenager's sleeping face before he shuddered from a cold chill. The blond returned to the kitchen and dressed himself up again. And started tidying up the mess.

 


	32. Conclusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

The courage from the previous day seemed to disappear completely the next morning. The Fall Exams were starting that week and would be followed by Christmas holidays. Loki preferred to go to college only to make the exams, limiting contact with other students as far as possible. The euphoria from the previous day had died completely out, old anxieties and nerves returned fully. Although he wanted very much to face his fears, the raven-haired man was confronted with the fact he wasn't quite ready yet. His heartbeat rose disturbingly with the thought alone he would have to see the questioning faces of friends, colleagues and teachers. He figured out it was still early, but promised himself he would take the step after the holidays, in January.

"New year, new chances." Loki said in a nervous smile, while he cupped his fingers around his coffee mug. Thor had tried to convince his friend to come along to campus, but the moment he put out the question, a shadow crossed the freshman's features. His eyes reflected fear and his movements became tense and restrained. "I just need a little more time. What difference does it make anyway? Everybody will be busy the next weeks, best is to wait till after the holidays."

"I guess you are right." Thor agreed with some reluctance. "You shouldn't hurry things up, especially if you don't feel prepared."

The blond realized this was the right choice when he read the vulnerability behind Loki's grateful smile. The truth to be told, he was not that sure any more about telling his friends about Loki and him. It was not a question of fear or anxiety; but a question of priority. "Now that you mentioned the holidays are close…" Thor started and looked directly at Loki, needing to make sure they made eye contact. "I'm spending Christmas with my parents and I would like you to come too." Loki raised an eyebrow in disbelief. He shifted a bit uncomfortably on his chair and then chuckled sourly.

"I'm not going to my parents." The raven-haired man spoke with an edge of bitterness.

"I did not say you were going to your parents. You'll stay at my home." Thor clarified but noticed some hostility emerge in the green gaze.

"You do realize my parent's house is just down the street, don't you?" Loki stated the obvious. "The probability of us crossing paths is gigantic!"

"It's just for two days!"

"I'm sorry, but I do strongly prefer to stay with my brothers and far away from the two people that managed to slowly but competently ruin the mental state of my mind!"

"Loki, please! I just – I just want you to be there when I tell my parents about us." Thor finally blurted and all the anger and hostility disappeared from Loki's face. He stared back in genuine surprise and it took him some moments to process what was just told to him.

"You want to tell your parents about us?" Loki questioned perplexed, needing to certify he was hearing things properly. Thor nodded. "Do you think this is wise? I mean, you brought Jane there barely a month ago."

"My parents know we broke up."

"You are insane. Odin will kill us, you know that don't you?" Loki warned and Thor smiled, knowing his friend had already agreed in coming to spend Christmas with the Golden family.

"Good thing my mother will be there." They switched accomplice stares for a moment and then burst into laughter, all the tension from earlier vanishing completely.

….

It had been quite disconcerting to notice Loki gradually shift from his happy good mood to a restrained and silenced tension during the travel to their home town. There had been the typical amount of chatting, singing and giggling during the drive, but the moment Loki spotted their town's name on the traffic signs, he started growing more and more quiet, his long fingers discretely fidgeting his jumper, his eyes shining from nerves.

"It will be okay, Loki. Your parents have no idea you'll be there." Thor said when they entered the town, every street, house and tree becoming very familiar.

"I know. I know that." Loki weakly said, unable to hide his fears. "It's just, imagine if we…" He started but Thor interrupted him.

"God, Loki! We are not doing this again! Stop filling your head with all kind of possible scenarios! You are not going to accidently cross paths with your parents." Thor said exasperated. Loki had been doing this the whole week, trying to dissuade the blond's resolution without the desired results. The teenager gave an irritated and offended look. "Besides, I know you. If there is somebody who should be afraid of confrontation, it's your parents, not you. Because when you are pissed off, you are like a fucking dragon or a snake spitting fire and poison altogether!"

Loki pursed his lips, so they formed a tense line on his face. He bit his tongue, not willing to prove Thor's point, because he was already thinking about quite some nasty things he could angrily retort. But his irritation didn't last long because he saw Thor's house. As soon as the blond parked the car, Frigga stepped outside, her smile radiating her happiness and love for seeing her boy again. The dark-haired man remained seated in the car and watched mother and son greet in a warm embrace. His heart skipped a bit when the kind woman gestured him to exit the car. He stepped out hesitantly and slightly shy, his heart longing for some motherly love. The reason why the air got stuck in his throat when she hugged him warmly, like if he was her own son. He returned the hug by wrapping his arms around her and caressed her back gently.

"Oh, just look at you. You look so handsome." The woman said while she brushed a black lock that was hanging close to the eyes. "Come. Let's not linger in the cold."

"Ah, I see the boys have arrived." Odin spoke as they entered the living room. "Thor, you look good. Healthy and strong as always." The Golden patriarch complimented. He turned to Loki. "Well, haven't you gone through a transformation? You finally got rid of that awful look."

"It is always nice to see you again, Odin." Loki sarcastically said. He was going to handshake the man like they usually did and was surprised when Odin pushed him to a half hug and pated his back friendly.

"How are you?" Odin asked and Loki suddenly felt vulnerable and exposed. He licked his lips unsure.

"Getting better. One step at the time."

"Good! Very good!" The older man said, sounding truly satisfied. He then turned back to Thor and the blond knew a strict inquiry would follow.

…

The family sat at the table ready to celebrate Christmas Eve. Thor and Odin had remained in the living room and had talked mostly about college, wanting to know if he had passed his exams. They had heard in the background the sounds of busy cooking and happy chatting. Frigga had always treated Loki like her own son, giving him undivided attention and spoiling him a lot, sometimes even more than Thor. The reason the blond wouldn't be surprised if Loki considered Frigga more as a mother than Farbauti. He smiled at the thought but quickly woke up from his musings with Odin's voice.

"I suppose you were the anti-social animal you always are during exam period." The older man spoke to Loki. Of course the patriarch had his own inquiry formulated for the teenager. Frigga gave her husband a scolding look, Thor looked horrified and Loki arched his eyebrow.

"Obviously. How else would I pass with straight A's? I refuse to fail and repeat exams like Thor does." The freshman arrogantly said.

"Thank you, Loki." Thor mumbled sarcastically, earning a satisfied and victorious smile in return. The blond was quite sure this was Loki's way of revenging for not giving up the idea of spending Christmas at their hometown. The truth was, he only had to repeat two exams and all grades were quite good, at least for his standards.

"Thor told me you are working on a project for Stark's Industries." Odin continued his questioning, ignoring the stare contest Thor and Loki were engaged with.

"Yes, I am." Loki answered, breaking eye contact with his friend. "And if everything goes well, there will be a future partnership between Tony Stark and I."

"You're stopping with Graphic Design and follow IT instead, I presume."

"No, no. I have a few IT classes and they are way too easy for me. It would be excruciatingly boring if I would. I want to do something that's new for me, so I'll graduate in Graphic Design. And I will work on the project aside."

"And what does your father think about it?" Odin questioned. Thor glared at him but Loki, who obviously had been waiting for that question, reacted coolly.

"I haven't spoken with him since Thanksgiving. And to be honest I don't give a shit what he thinks about it."

"What about your mother?"

"I'm not in speaking terms with her either."

"Can't blame you for that." Odin concluded his interrogatory and took a fork with steak to his mouth. Thor discretely touched Loki's foot from under the table to get his attention. They sat opposite each other and the younger man lifted his eyes to meet the blue gaze. He understood what the blond wanted and gave a subtle nod.

"Mom, dad. There is something important I have to say." Thor announced, his throat drying out, his heart hammering under his skin. He had been waiting for the best opportunity to talk and this was it. He swallowed nervous before he carried on, for Frigga and Odin both stared at him intently and curiously. "Loki and I – ehm…we are together - in a relationship."

Frigga accidently dropped her fork on the plate. The sound it produced while it collided with the porcelain was terrifyingly loud in the awkward and tense silence that immediately installed itself. Thor stared nervously at Loki, whose face indicated he was already in the defense mode. Frigga placed her fork next to the place in a fidgety manner and looked from her son to Odin and then to Loki, her eyes filled more with fear than shock. As for the Golden patriarch, he seemed frozen for moments and Thor was sure he had even stopped breathing. After some seconds of absolute paralysis, he blinked his eye a few times. The single blue orb darted to Thor, who gulped in anxiety. Then it darted to Loki, who looked like he was preparing himself to fight a lion.

"You finally got him in your clenches!" Odin suddenly scolded Loki, who glared back in return, giving him quite a dark look.

"Father!" Thor begged in a diplomatic manner, but the older man ignored him, his sole eye piercing his son's blue orbs angrily instead.

"What are you going to do if you want to start a family in the future, hé?" Odin asked Thor in a challenging tone. The blond opened and closed his mouth a few times without knowing what to respond to that.

"Should we come to that point, there is always adoption." Loki coolly said and Odin's eye darted to the raven-haired man.

"Haeeeeeerg!" He angrily growled while he stood up and pointed at Loki accusingly. The freshman actually flinched on his chair and stared back in shock.

"Odin!" Frigga scolded, she too standing up to look directly at her husband. "You do not growl at people!" The Golden patriarch blinked twice and then sat down, mumbling something that sounded like an apology, probably realizing how uncivilized he had sounded. Frigga's intervention had succeeded in calming down her angry husband. Thor sighed of relieve and Loki felt his courage return.

"At least I come from a wealthy family. I won't be like a goat in a banquet table."

…

"I can't believe you actually said that to my father!" Thor exclaimed while he let himself drop down on the bed. Loki joined and lied next to him, giggling uncontrollably.

"I could not resist." He admitted. "Oh my God, the look on his face!" Loki laughed at the memory.

Odin had stared back at him speechless with a look of confused horror. Thor had felt all his blood rush up to his face. He was quite certain Odin would finally slap Loki. And then Frigga barked a loud laughter. The sound of her spontaneous giggling was so pure and crystalline that it broke the ice. A small chuckle escaped Odin's lips, Loki had his most mischievous expression on his face and Thor laughed of sheer relieve. Once that was settled, the Golden patriarch seemed to accept, or at least tolerate his son's sexual orientation and dinner went on in a friendly and carefree manner.

"Merry Christmas." Thor whispered and then grabbed Loki by the waist, rolling over so he could hover his lover. He pressed his lips on Loki's and they kissed leisurely.

"Hum. Merry Christmas." The raven-haired man said while he licked his lips. "I must confess, I'm quite expectant about my Christmas present."

"Would you like to unwrap it now?" Thor seductively whispered against Loki's ear, his voice hoarse from lust, making the younger man shiver from anticipation.

"Very much."

Clothing was hastily removed between hot kisses and entertained giggles. And then there were three loud knocks on the wall added by Odin's authoritarian voice behind it telling them to behave themselves. Thor and Loki were silent and frozen for moments. They locked their gazes, surprise giving way to amusement and shared accomplice smiles. They continued kissing and touching silently, afraid to stir Odin's wrath. Some things never really changed.

…

"Look who is back!" Fandral exclaimed in a cheerful manner while he stood up. The blond walked a few steps to meet Loki and gave a warm friendly hug. The younger man gave a shy but sincere smile and looked over the cafeteria's table where his friends were already having lunch. They looked truly happy to see him again and he was relieved not to read the traces of concern he had expected to find in their faces.

"You got yourself a new look while you were away." Sif stated in a complementing way, as she followed her friend and greeted the freshman with one kiss on each cheek.

"Yeah, he looks like a normal person now." Steve Rogers said while he patted Loki's back. "A bit less oddness is always welcome."

"Has Darcey already seen you?" Sif asked while she sat down. After greeting Bruce and Hogun, Loki too sat down.

"Yes. I had the huge luck to bump against her quite literally this morning when I went to get coffee from the machine." He sarcastically told. "Which I don't recommend you, it tastes like mud. Anyway, Darcey kept following me everywhere and I couldn't get rid of her. The worst part was when I threatened her. She got even more excited! The woman is nuts and way too persistent."

"How did you escape from her?" Fandral asked while he giggled at the recount.

"Thor." Loki stated. "Apparently he's more frightening than I am."

"Speaking of which, where is he?" A female voice was heard behind Loki and he turned around on his chair already knowing who it was. Natasha gave him a rare honest smile and a soft squeeze on his shoulder. She then walked to Bruce and the couple greeted with a quick meeting of their lips. Loki smiled internally, happy to see things had evolved positively between them.

"He came across a teacher and had a question. He should be here any time soon."

"Speaking of the devil…" Hogun murmured while he pointed to the cafeteria's entrance. The group saw the tall blond walk towards them with a wide warm smile, his arms stretched in a welcoming gesture.

"Happy new year, friends!"

It was needless to say that the moment Thor reached their table, the party was on. It was in this kind of moments that it was obvious how the blond was extremely popular and loved among his friends. Warm hugs and friendly pats were followed by questions of how the holidays were and wishes for a successful year. Although Loki had been surprised with the warm welcome he himself received; he did envy a bit Thor's popularity. After a while, blue eyes met green and the blond took a seat next to his best friend. Thor could read the questioning and anticipation in Loki's gaze. He knew he was ready.

"Friends! I – Loki and I have news." Thor announced in an enthusiastic way, but Loki could pick the edge of anxiety in his loud voice. They exchanged gazes and the younger man gave a small encouraging nod with a gentle smile. "We are together."

A strange silence that only stretched for a few seconds installed itself among the friends. Loki repressed an amused chuckle as he could read in his friends faces they were trying to figure out what "together" meant.

"Together in what?" Fandral asked quite quickly. He had said it in a giggle, but there was a slight nerve in his voice. Captain shifted worriedly on his chair and Sif had a look of frightened anticipation. But if Thor noticed any of the tension, he didn't show it, because he answered his friend's question with the same cheerfulness from earlier.

"Together as a couple, of course!"

Fandral's jaw fell, Steve Rogers murmured something that had to do with God and madness, Sif's eyes widened scarily. Natasha stifled a giggle and apologized silently when Loki glared at her.

"You are kidding, right?" Bruce Banners asked in a nervous giggle. "Right?"

"I would never joke about something like this." Thor said in such a serious tone that everybody knew it was for real.

"But Thor…you?" Fandral's question was filled with incredibility, as he obviously was still trying to process the revelation.

"It's not that surprising. They were always extremely attached to one another." Hogun spoke grimly.

"Still-shit, I mean, okay we all knew Loki played for both teams,... but Thor?!" Fandral continued, still unable to believe in this new reality.

"Why Fandral, are you jealous?" Loki mischievously asked and Thor sat back with a wide grin, while his blue eyes sparkled from amusement.

"Hell, no! You can have him all to yourself." Fandral quickly said, appaled by the idea.

"Well, you both look happy. And that's what matters, right?" Sif concluded who seemed to come out of her state of shock, unlike Bruce and Captain who still seemed uncomfortable about the whole situation.

"Hey, if you get married, I want to be your best man!" Fandral said and Thor barked a laughter as Sif and Hogun both glared at him at the same time.

"Married? With who? What's going to be in the Menu?"

Volgstagg asked as he had suddenly appeared, holding his plate filled with lots of meat and a few potatoes. The moment he arrived and put out the question, everybody started to laugh (with the exception of Steve Rogers, who murmured "this is going to be very disconcerting"), so the large man laughed along, having no idea what he was about to hear.

**The End**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be one final chapter for the Epilogue :))


	33. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Marvel or any of its characters

 

**EPILOGUE**

**2 years later**

" _Are you ready for this_?" A voice asked Loki, who was adjusting his tie around his neck. His hands smoothed his black Armani blazer a few times and he took a deep breath.

"Never been more prepared." Loki answered with a confident smile. "Wish me luck, J.A.R.V.I.S."

" _Good luck, Mr Frost_."

Loki walked a few steps and entered the door opening that led to a stage. He ignored the many eyes with unknown faces that followed his steps, just like he ignored the incessant flashing of lights. Instead, he walked coolly and met Tony Stark who was clothed in an expensive tuxedo. He turned slightly so they could shake hands.

"Ladies and gentleman. I present you Loki Frost, my associate of «Technological Intelligent Friendly Energy Corporation», or as I like to call it, T.I.F.E.C. Why complicate things, right?" Tony Stark proudly announced. There was an explosion of flashes of cameras in the room and then several journalists lifted their hand to make a question. Stark pointed at a young woman, giving her permission to speak.

"Mr. Frost, how do you contemplate the fact that your product might become a liability to the Frost Company?" The young woman asked. Tony Stark gulped and cursed internally. He should had known better than let the hot reporter make a question. Yet, Loki smiled charmingly and approached the microphone.

"Liability is such a strong word." He said in a subtle disapproving tone and yet, never losing the kindness in his voice. "No, I prefer to believe that competition is the key to evolution. The market is free and it is the obligation of all companies to procure the creation of better products and services for both society and nature."

"And does your father Laufey Frost agree with you?" The woman insisted for Stark's personal despair.

Even though Coulson decided Loki didn't need more therapy since last year, Laufey Frost always remained a sensible subject. If the woman would continue pressing on the matter, then it was Loki who would become a liability to her. Tony Stark had come to know his protégé quite well, this last two years, as they worked a lot together. Despite Stark loving Loki's wittiness and good sense of humor, he often compared the young man to a time bomb or a volcano about to burst. The raven-haired man knew how to hide his anger through fake charm and then he could elaborate in silence the most intricate plan to get back at anybody that pissed him or hurt somebody he cared for.

"I believe that is a question you should ask my father, not me." Loki said, his smile being one of dangerous charm. Stark could feel the alarm bells ring and decided to end this small "discussion" right now.

"Now ladies and gentleman, allow me to show you the marvels our new technology will bring to the world. I present you - The Future." Stark announced in an entertaining way, while he gestured to a wide screen behind him and Loki.

He gently guided Loki out of the stage, his hand resting on his pupil's back. It disturbed him how the green gaze remained fixed on the pretty reporter, who was absolutely oblivious of the young man's anger. "Those were good answers, Loki."

" _Very diplomatic, sir. Well done._ " J. A. R. V. I. S agreed.

"I hate that woman." The dark-haired man hissed.

"Come on, let the girl be. You won't win anything by hurting her." Tony said in a relaxed tone, while his eyes followed the images on the wide screen, presenting the new product.

"Who said I was going to hurt her?" Loki retorted upset. "But I would enjoy revenge." He whispered the last part.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing." Loki innocently said and Stark gave him a wary look. The presentation was reaching its end.

"Behave yourself, boy." The older man warned and Loki almost gave him a sheepish look. "I'll go alone this time."

Loki snorted as Stark reappeared on stage, his arms open wide while a great ovation was given in his honor. Of course Tony Stark wanted to go alone this time. He had, after all, a disproportionate large ego and was addicted to being in the center of attention. The raven-haired man listened to the man's cocky discourse with an amused grin. It was always fun to watch and listen to Tony Stark.

…

"Congratulations on T. I. F. E .C." Natasha Romanoff said while she raised her glass champagne.

"Thank you. It's just a pity you didn't stay on the project till the end." Loki said before he took a sip of his champagne.

"As much as I was enjoying, I had to make that call. I do not regret." The little Russian said while her eyes followed Bruce Banner who was talking to Steve Rogers and Tony Stark.

"How is he?" Loki asked. 10 months ago, Bruce Banner had injured himself during an experience on gamma energy. Natasha had dropped the project right away so she could be him her sweetheart, who was having a hard time, suffering both physical and psychological transformations.

"He's learning to control it. I manage to calm him down. Lullaby him, actually."

"In my opinion, your work on anti-electron collisions is unparalleled. And I'm a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster." Loki and Natasha simultaneously turned around looking grim at Tony Stark for his comment. Bruce Banner merely stared at his friend with a look of unbelief. "You really have got a lid on it, haven't you? What's your secret? Mellow jazz? Bongo drums? Huge bag of weed?"

The eccentric genius asked, hoping to find a way to enrage the scientist for he was extremely curious about the "other guy". But his attempts were fruitless because just in a few seconds Natasha went to rescue her boyfriend by graciously linking her arm to Bruce's while she gave Tony a murderous glare; Pepper came from nowhere and introduced him to a group of Asian business men who were potential sponsors for the project; while Steven Rogers scolding voice was heard in the background, giving a speech about morality and human rights. Tony Stark turned around to face the Asian men feeling rather overwhelmed and dizzy by the short but intense moment.

"Mr Frost." Loki turned around only to recognize the reporter from before and didn't even bother to hide his sigh of annoyance. She noticed, of course, and looked a bit taken aback for a moment, but she recovered quickly by placing a kind smile on her pretty face. "I would like to know if there would be a chance for us to finish the interview." She asked in a seductive voice and Loki resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"I'm afraid I'm a very busy man with a very busy schedule. Besides, I highly doubt _that_ could be called an interview." The dark-haired man coolly said, not hiding any trace of arrogance in his speech. The woman looked truly surprised.

"I do not understand."

"Allow me to explain to you. Journalism procures objectivity, accurate information and neutrality; it does not attempt to create a new soap opera around the personal lives of public figures."

"I beg your pardon? My question about your father was legitimate, he owns a software company and…" The female reporter quickly defended herself, but Loki cut her by lifting his index in the air in a halting gesture.

" Not. the. personal. sphere. " He whispered, his green eyes becoming cold as ice while he spoke each word slowly and clearly. The woman's eyes widened in confusion and she opened and closed her mouth a few times, not sure what to say.

"Loki! There you are! I was looking for you everywhere!" Thor's deep voice suddenly filled the space between the raven-haired man and the reporter. "Excuse us, Miss." He apologetically said, smiling and guiding his friend who still looked pissed off at the young woman. "What do you think you are doing?" Thor whispered as they walked through the crowded room, the blond searching for a quiet place.

"I want to see her suffering." Loki spoke with his teeth clenched and Thor shook his head in disapproval.

"You are doing nothing of the kind. If you want to be a leader of a company you have to stop with your tricks, personal vendettas or whatever other crap you have in mind." Thor told Loki while they stepped outside.

"Please, you know I'm too clever for that." The raven-haired man said in a nonchalant tone. He looked around and took in his surroundings. "The gardens? How romantic. What's your plan? To mellow my temper by telling me how lovely I look under the moonlight?" He teased and Thor grinned.

"I had something else in mind, but that's not a bad idea." The blond said while he placed his large hands around Loki's thin waist.

"So, what did you have in mind?" Loki murmured seductively, while he allowed Thor to pull him closer.

"This…" The blond whispered and he closed the distance between them with a tender kiss.

"Hum, yes, that will certainly do the trick." Loki whispered back with a satisfied smile.

"Have I told you how proud I am of you?"

"Not today."

"No? And how lovely I think you look under the moonlight?" Thor said resulting in an amused laughter coming from the younger man. "Or how much I love you?" He sealed these words with a kiss, gentle and sweet and Loki felt himself melt in his lover's arm. They departed their lips and held each other with a warm embrace.

"I love you." Loki whispered in Thor's ear. "I could stay with you like this forever."

"So why not?"

"Hum, I think I would lose the feeling of my legs after an hour." Loki smiled at the loud cheerful laughter that his lover emitted, loving the way his body shook against his skin. They locked their gazes for a while and their faces came closer when…

"Ah, there is our football champioooo-oh, excuse me, I did not mean to interrupt." Tony Stark apologized. Both lovers shot daggers with their eyes at the older man who awkwardly turned from them to a young man who stood behind him.

"Ehm, maybe I should do this another time." The young man said, sounding rather nervous. He had a professional photo camera between his hands.

"Nonsense. We already ruined the moment anyway!" Stark dismissed, for the young man's discomfort and the fury from the two lovers. "Thor, this young man is just in the beginning of his career as a reporter and he is a great fan of yours. You don't mind if he takes a few pictures of you, do you? I must say, this is the perfect setting, with the flowers and the moonlight and stuff."

"Yes, sure." Thor reluctantly said. After all, Tony had indeed ruined the moment.

"Actually, I would love to make a picture of you three together." The young man, who actually looked like a kid, asked.

Tony immediately placed himself between his friends, his arms around them and pressing them closer to him. After a second or two of awkward discomfort, the trio posed properly for some nice shots. After Stark left, the reporter took photos with Thor alone. Meanwhile he made casual but clever questions to the blond about his career as the new football start of the season. Loki watched them from a safe distance, guarded and silent, observing intently the young reporter. The boy struck him as a bright person and had, beyond doubt much more capacity in captivating his interviewers than most of the journalists he had come across until now. "Mr. Frost, excuse me." The young reporter called. "I would like to make some pictures of the two of you, if that would be fine."

"Uh, sure. Why not." Loki hesitantly said and he could actually feel the heat reach his cheeks.

Thor and Loki stood stiffly next to each other. This was actually the first time they were being photographed by a reporter as a couple, since they had only decided to reveal their affair to the public some weeks ago. The reporter smiled a bit at their discomfort and started talking about talent shows to break the ice. Thor and Loki grew relaxed as the formal photoshoot gradually turned into an informal conversation.

When the reporter finished and looked at the result of his pictures, he smiled satisfied. They had come out pretty nice with the night scenery. But what he liked the most was the way he managed to capture the love, care and tenderness Thor and Loki exchanged in their looks, smiles and gestures. And concluded, he would be the luckiest man in the world if he would find love like those two had.

THE END!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everybody that has been reading this story, sending kuddos and writting comments. It has been a great pleasure to wright it and is always a privilege when others enjoy what one writes. 
> 
> Loves,
> 
> DTA


End file.
